Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

WIBU to add two hours to DB's journey?

98 replies

ncbacktoblack · 22/07/2017 13:31

My DB is a fair bit younger than me but we are very close. This is going to be long but all relevant so please tell me the best thing to do!

He's is coming home today after completing his 4 year uni course. Uni is about 300 miles from home and we live rurally with bad public transport (he doesn't drive).

Our nearest train station is 3 miles away, but he chooses to go to one 10 miles away because it's 'easier' and has always just expected my DM to pick him up. He doesn't ask, just tells her where he'll be and what time.

He doesn't tell us in advance, even though he buys his ticket weeks in advance. Today we have just heard 'Train will be in at 7pm'. DM and I both have plans (it is Saturday night after all). He hasn't texted me at all to let me know, I only know through DM.

If he doesn't get picked up he will have a 15 min walk, a bus journey that will drop him at 20:30, and then a 30 min walk up a very steep hill with a heavy case.

If he'd gone to the train station 3 miles away he would have a 10 min bus ride and 5 min walk home. But he doesn't like it because the train journey is 'too long'.

WIBU to just leave him to make his own way home? I feel mean, but I'm so so fed up of his entitlement. He never asks for a lift or says thank you, and he's fast developing into one of these men I see so often on mumsnet who ignore the 'mental load' of running a house i.e. just standing there looking gormless until you ask him to do something. But that's a whole other thread!

He could get a cab too for £25ish. But he's bemoaning having no money despite me lending him a lot just 2 months ago so I doubt he'll do that.

What should I do?

OP posts:

Ilovetolurk · 22/07/2017 15:56

It all seems a bit mean if he has made a 300 mile journey. I would turn out for my DS in that situation.

I would have rung him to find out what train he was getting too so that I could help with all his stuff.

Heaven forbid he should get too entitled though

horsefeathers · 22/07/2017 16:02

22 is old enough to understand that when you're asking a favour, a bit of advance warning plus a please and thank you is the minimum requirement. I did lots of luggage-laden train journeys as a student, and yes it's knackering. But that's partly why you ask properly for any help you need, to make sure people are actually in a position to give it. If my dad had been out when my train got in, due to me not asking for the lift until the day itself, I'd have been walking home with my bags and serve me right.

rollonthesummer · 22/07/2017 16:09

He hasn't actually asked you to pick him up. I would do nothing. If he rings tonight asking you to get him-say you are out and have been drinking.

When he has to get the bus/long walk up a hill or expensive cab home and moans to you about it, tell him he hasn't asked you to get him and shouldn't presume you wanted to go and get him. Had he asked politely and gone to the station most convenient to you, that would have been different.

You and your mum have done yourself no favours by pandering to him. Stop now.

llangennith · 22/07/2017 16:11

My DS used to do this when at Uni. Infuriating! He changed once he entered the world of work and flat-sharing and is now a responsible and considerate husband and father.
However annoying and inconvenient it was I always picked him up at end of each semester. Stay out of it OP. It's between your DB and his parents.

Nikephorus · 22/07/2017 16:14

He's not fucking Odysseus.
Brilliant!

WomblingThree · 22/07/2017 16:17

Enchantedflamingo I'm actually not one of those who thinks at 18 you leave them to fend for themselves, however, I wouldn't have accepted that crap when mine were 14, let alone 22. If you want a lift, you ask in advance, you don't mess people around, and you bloody well say than you. It's just basic manners.

bigbluebus · 22/07/2017 16:21

My DS (20 -and with ASD) can be 'entitled' with the best of them but even he is capable of getting himself home from somewhere if we are not available to fetch him. He recently returned from a short break in a European city and got himself back from the airport 50 miles away as I couldn't go and fetch him (DH had given him a lift on the outward journey). He also managed to get himself a taxi whilst away one evening when sitting in a restaurant and it started to rain sideways. He asked the staff in the restaurant to call him a cab back to where he was staying.

Your DM needs to reply that she is not available and when he then asks you, you should do the same. He needs to make his own arrangements if he can't learn to negotiate an arrangement that suits others he is relying on.

timeisnotaline · 22/07/2017 16:40

First - He's not fucking Odysseus.
Genius
2nd ignore ignore. If my mil had once suggested my sil could at least ask if it's convenient before booking flights home from a weekend away at midnight over an hour away (there is a much closer larger airport) because it's cheaper and mum would do anything for her she might be less entitled now. Things he could have done in order of normal behaviour to slightly less spoilt -checked if a lift would be ok and a convenient time before booking, checked if a lift would be ok before booking, booked and asked for a lift, appreciated someone making the effort and said thank you - note this last one is just what you expect of people , not really manners, and he doesn't even do that. Repeat - ignore ignore ignore. You have plans. He has two options which is pretty good really - public transport and taxi.

Original poster

ncbacktoblack · 22/07/2017 18:28

I got a call from him when he hit his connecting station in London. He actually asked me to check buses as he wasn't sure how to get home. I explained the 10 mins walk, 45 min bus and it still would only take him 2 miles away from home (and actually goes past the nearer station). He started to panic a bit so I suggested he get to the station 3 miles from us and DM would collect him from there (as that's where she is tonight), drop him at home and go back out.

He decided to pay extra for a ticket that would actually take him to the nearer station . I'm ordering us a takeaway for when he gets in. Poor lamb has had a traumatic day

OP posts:

BlessYourCottonSocks · 22/07/2017 18:31

You have plans. That prevent you picking him up from a station 10 miles away at 7pm.

That's it.

horsefeathers · 22/07/2017 21:34

Sounds like a happy ending! He won't be wandering the streets 10 miles from home in a state of bewilderment (poor poppet), but he's had a bit of a kick up the bum and will hopefully remember this next time he wants picking up from somewhere.

My family didn't own a car for most of my teenage years and I swear it did me a massive favour. I would never set out without knowing how I could get from door to door under my own steam. Even if you think you're getting a lift, shit happens - flu, flat tyres, miscommunications. A local taxi number or two and a vague idea of bus routes is fairly essential, I'd have thought. Presumably this is the area he grew up in? How did he get around as a teenager?

Original poster

ncbacktoblack · 22/07/2017 22:01

horsefeathers I totally agree with you. I didn't learn to drive til my late 20s and never relied on lifts. DM would always moan and always be late and I didn't like inconveniencing friends. DB on the other hand is a bit more of a lift freeloader and will at the very least try and grab lifts part of the way before getting the bus/train rather than walk

OP posts:

Ceto · 22/07/2017 22:03

It all seems a bit mean if he has made a 300 mile journey. I would turn out for my DS in that situation

Did you not read the bit where his mother offered to collect him from university? It's totally his choice to make the 300 mile journey, and his choice not to tell his family what his plans were until the 59th minute of the 11th hour.

Ilovetolurk · 23/07/2017 20:20

I am perfectly capable of reading thank you. No need to patronise

They knew what day he was arriving. With a 300 mile journey he was always going to arrive late afternoon/ evening. The 11th hour would have been calling from the station.

In our house we look forward to seeing our DC when they return from uni and would keep the evening free. Actually we would have offered to pick them up as the DM did but failing that I would have called to check time of arrival and collected.

CockacidalManiac · 23/07/2017 20:24

In our house we look forward to seeing our DC when they return from uni and would keep the evening free.

Really can't read this sentence without hearing it in the voice of the Dentons.

GreenTulips · 23/07/2017 20:27

but failing that I would have called to check time of arrival and collected

So no incentive for them to call you with the information then? What if they said 'I'm thinking about Wednesday I'll let you know' and then didn't?
What if they suggested X station rather then Y station even if Y would be better for the person doing the favour?

Seriously - he's a grown man not a baby and if he wants lifts he needs to give the full information rather than expect silver service

EdmundCleverClogs · 23/07/2017 20:28

CockacidalManiac

Tazerface · 23/07/2017 20:32

SO what do you do when said DC doesn't tell you when they're planning to get back? Just wait on tenterhooks by the front door, shoes on keys in hand just in case they need picking up?!

TeacupDrama · 23/07/2017 20:33

actually he was originally coming wednesday, then Saturday today is SUnday maybe if he had come Wednesday they may have been able to collect him 10 miles away but initially they were expecting earlier in the week so there would eb no probs making plans for sunday evening as he would have already arrived if he had stuck to when he said he was coming

Vonklump · 23/07/2017 20:34

I came back to this thread to see if the OP had collected him. Result, OP!

Ilovetolurk · 23/07/2017 20:40

As i stated I would call and ask.

Some of us still have use of a telephone believe it or not

Ilovetolurk · 23/07/2017 20:41

This thread is a prime example of creating an issue out of nothing

GreenTulips · 23/07/2017 20:44

My kids are younger teens - I won't answer a pick up request unless there's a please attached!! They've worked this out all by themselves - they also know if they want lifts hime to ask in advance - then text time/place etc

I'm doing them a favour not the other way round - no please / no lift

How else will they learn to treat a person who's doing them a favour with respect?

Flip

1 2 3 4