To think that it's not rude to not reply to a message for a few days

[poppp]

I'm not yet 30 and I feel like I was born in the wrong generation!!! I don't get all this instagram and Facebook stuff, I have no bloody idea what snap chat is! I HATE people posting pics on social media of my child and get the most bizarre look when I ask them not to post it. I noice that friends/family seem offish or sometimes mention well you never replied to my text, especially via WhatsApp as they can see that I've seen it! I'm a slow responder, it's not that I never reply it's just that I don't have my phone attached to me at all times. Or I get further messages asking if I saw their text... yes I saw it, you can see the sodding blue ticks to confirm that yes- I've seen it! AIBU to think it's pathetic to think I'm being rude because I take a few days to reply sometimes? I know it's not the norm, but is it really that offensive?!

Argeles
Your post says it all! Thank you!

If you feel that you are ‘special’ and as such deserve an immediate response, why not add that as a footer to your msg?

My msg people always get a reply, but maybe not for days. The msg gets read pretty quickly in case it’s urgent. My answering is then appropriate to the urgency.

Which is why it’s often days…

Pecking order? Oh yes…

It all comes down to you being the way you are and them being the way they are. I'm a reply type so if I see a message and I have time to reply, I do. I ignore certain messages (like shit jokes from people I don't want to encourage :) ) on purpose. It's generally pretty obvious if I haven't replied- you're either not funny or I don't like you :) non or slow reply-ers are different. My sister is one. I used to think it was really ignorant but now I just accept- it's who she is. Incidentally she's that bad I now don't initiate contact at all - I just reply when she contacts me. Seems to work much better than me sending messages that go seemingly ignored and thinking she's an ignorant cow :)

Msybe I'm weird but I find phone calls intrusive and mostly don't answer them. I much prefer texting and whatsapp and whilst I don't expect an instant reply, anything over a day I find odd and a bit rude, especially if the message's been read.

poppp - I've really lost it with my DH in the past, as he would routinely check his phone at the dinner table, and I find it so rude and disrespectful. He no longer does this, but occasionally I will be in mid conversation with him, and he'll start checking his phone! I go completely silent and stare at him, he stops and apologises.

A good friend of mine often checks her phone when we're out eating or having a drink, and it always interrupts our conversation. She usually starts telling about what random people we went to school with are up to, thanks to Facebook.

I agree with you too, that we spend so much time talking about things we have text about, it drives me mad!

Maybe I should move to the log cabin next to yours and we can have proper real life, face to face conversations!

It's rude not to text back for days.

If I can't reply in depth ill send a quick message to say I'm busy but I will get back to them soon. I don't just ignore them for days. No one is so busy that they don't have time to answer a text for a few days.

If you want to ignore people for days make sure they can't tell you have read them. Otherwise it just looks like you are ignoring them. I never expect anyone to reply to me straight away, but if a few days went by regularly I wouldn't bother messaging them again because clearly they don't want to talk to me a great deal.

I only get messages from people I like enough to want to talk to though.

Crazy, people who don't immediately answer texts aren't precious, or necessarily precious. This whole idea of "oh it only takes a few seconds" is dependent on someone having the phone close to hand, preferably staring at it. Many poeple have their phones on silent for periods of time - whether because they're working, or having a conversation, or spending time with their kids

Except this thread is about people who had their phone in their hand as they read the message and the other person knows they have read it.

It's perfectly fine to message back a bit later to say you are busy and will get back to them. It's rude to make them wait for days when you had the time to open the message.

If you have the time to read, and have your phone in your hand, yabu not to reply. Your excuses about being busy only wash if you're too busy to use your phone.

When I get a message I will either:

1. reply immediately - if it's important/a direct question/time sensitive/I'm not doing anything else and so can do so then I will always reply straight away, mostly just so I don't forget.

2. Read and reply asap - if it's just general chit chat I might not reply straight away but I'll usually try to reply at a convenient time and I will usually try to mention that to the other person so that they are aware I will be slow/not replying for a reason. "Hey crazy day here, only just grabbed 5 minutes to reply. Anyway ..." or "Just on my break at work so can reply properly. Anyway ..."

3. Not read it till later - if I'm too busy or in the middle of something, I will leave any messages until I have time for them - but again I always try to acknowledge that when I do reply. "Hey busy day here, only just seen your message now. Anyway ..."

4. Read and reply later - sometimes someone will text me and I am either busy or it requires me to check my schedule first (eg receiving a text on Saturday saying "Coffee, Wednesday at 10?" might mean I need to check my diary before I confirm so I plan to reply later and then forget. I have a terrible memory but I make sure that when I do reply it always acknowledges that "So sorry, read your text yesterday and totally forgot I hadn't actually replied! Anyway, I have an appointment at 10 on Wednesday but how about 10:30?"

Just ignoring a message for days at a time is rude - it's one thing if you don't read it or you genuinely forget, but it takes no time at all to send "Super busy rn, will message you when I'm free. Ttyl" so that the other person isn't left hanging and they know that you have seen their message but it isn't convenient to chat, but you'll contact them when it is.

Fucks me off royally when people don't respond to my texts for days on end. Not if it happens occasionally, but if it happens all the time. The people who piss me off are the ones who always always always take DAYS to respond and actually don't even respond even then, unless I send ANOTHER text 3 days later saying 'did you get my text from 3 days ago?!'

It's just rude and ignorant, and the funny thing is, these SAME PEOPLE who can't be fucking arsed don't have time to text back, have a meltdown if I don't text back immediately, and are texting again within half an hour to see if I got the message, and then ringing me if I don't answer by the third text.

It is not about people who are busy and "not glued to their phones" so don't see a text! It's about having your phone, having time to read a message, and then choosing to ignore it for several days. It's the choosing to ignore that's rude.

I used to have a friend who would take days to reply to me but when I saw her, she would be glued to her phone texting other people. That's not the reason we're no longer friends but looking back I should've recognised sooner that it was indicative of her attitude towards our friendship.

OP, if people have noticed and commented on you not responding for days on end, are you really sure these messages are all "general chit chat"? If it were just general chit chat in a group on WhatsApp, they'd probably not notice you replying etc.

Or are the messages more like "fancy meeting up for coffee soon anyone?" and you just never reply?

I'd be irritated with you if it was stuff like that.

Why did you download the app if you're such a technophobe?

It's the choosing to ignore that's rude.
Nah! You’ve been prioritised as low priority – that’s what you perceive as rude.

And yes, some people really ARE busy, such that routine msgs have to wait.

Such is life…

I do think it's a bit rude to read a message and not reply for days, but how much really depends on the context of what they've said.

I have friends who are flakey and not great at communicating via text. That doesn't really bother me.

What does irritate me is the type of people (and I know a few like this) who will message saying something like 'hey, want to do dinner soon? Are you free in the next few weeks?' And I'll reply saying 'yes definitely, free x, y and z or let me know when you can do and I'll see' and then just don't get a reply. It's pretty infuriating!

For a general chit chat message it doesn't bother me if I don't get a reply for a while, but if I've asked something specific then I do think it's fairly rude to read and not reply within a reasonable amount of time - not instantly but appropriate to the question. It does just sort of say that you think you're more important than the other person.

I hate it when people read messages and then don't reply for days and days. Obviously I'm not expecting an immediate reply but if I can see you've read a message saying, for example, 'hows it going? Do you want to meet up soon, I'm free on X,y and z days next week' and then you take 5 days to message me back then yes I find it rude. It feels like you're waiting to see if you get a better offer and that you're happy to make me wait and keep several days free for you for whenever you decide you fancy getting back to me. It's infuriating. To be honest, even if it's just friendly chat I think you should reply within say, 24 hours of reading the message. I have had friendships dissolve/cool off because the other person never bothered replying to texts (long distance friendships obviously, where texting/WhatsApp is the main way we communicate)

Swimlyn that's exactly it. Priorities! Some prioritise real life interaction over messaging. Me for one!

Bloody hell mellon that sounds smug. Finding 2 minutes in 24 hours to reply to a text you have found time to open and read does not imply you are 'prioritising' messaging over 'real life interaction' at all. That's a bit of a false dichotomy too - is it 'real life' to commiserate with a friend about th death of their mother over text, because you know she won't be able to actually speak at the moment, as I did this morning, or should I have prioritised a little chat with my neighbour whose wife had broken her neck while away at her daughter's, and who I am chatting with online so she isn't too bored? Difficult, right?

Swim andMellon do you tell your friends when you swan up 45 minutes late to meet them in a cafe that you're late because they're low priority?

At least have the decency to change to something without read receipts soasnot to be so blatantly self important!

I'm not talking about group chats or stupid memes or jokes, which nobody needs reply to ever, but if someone messages you individually with something clearly requiring a response then you are an arrogant idiot if you have time to read but convince yourself you are too important to take 3 seconds to reply "really busy atm get back to you ASAP" or something similar on the same day!

Busy people are organised and set aside specific times each day to do stuff - on the other hand you get people who just like telling (or signalling to) everyone how busy they are and spend more time making sure everyone knows they are busy, busy, busy than doing anything concrete.

@elessar

What does irritate me is the type of people (and I know a few like this) who will message saying something like 'hey, want to do dinner soon? Are you free in the next few weeks?' And I'll reply saying 'yes definitely, free x, y and z or let me know when you can do and I'll see' and then just don't get a reply. It's pretty infuriating!

Agree with this. Pisses me off. Especially when you text them back within 2 minutes, and 4-5 hours later, they still haven't texted back!

It's like 'you texted me 2 minutes before I texted you back. You must have still be near your phone!'

So you end up texting them again and again, and then end up ringing them, (and they don't answer of course!!!)

Then when they do answer your text that says 'ok I can meet you on the 18th, 19th, 20th, or 21st; can you make any of those dates,' they text back with 'sure, the 18th or 19th is good.' So you are STILL not sure when you're going to meet them!

So you text back '19th then!'

NOTHING. For hours.

Another thing that rankles me is when people don't text back, and yet they keep putting posts on twitter and facebook. So they're on their phone, but can't answer my text!

Well it is offensive, it's ignorance isn't it. The fact that you think it's not offensive is ignorant in itself.

Delete Whatsapp then. Job done

And yes, I do think it's rude to not reply to a conversation for days if you've actually read the message

has no idea what this has to do with social media

I read and then forget to reply. Sometimes for days, and sometimes permanently.

It's not rudeness - it's distractedness.

If it was urgent I would have replied straight away.

If people know me then they'd presumably be okay with it. And if they aren't okay with it. Oh well.

YANBU to not be permanently attached to your phone. YABU not to reply to messages quite quickly that require an answer, especially if for making plans. I hate when I can see someone has read a WhatsApp and doesn't bother replying for a few days.

I think you're making a mistake, OP.

You think that not replying to messages sets you apart from other people your age. But actually I think it's very common for young people to be shit when it comes to communicating.

It's a bit selfish. Not trying to be horrible - I was like you too. But I do try harder now, as it's just lazy and a bit shit be a bad communicator.

Also think it has something to do with low self-esteem - some sort of you maybe doesn't understand that others are impacted by your actions? Any truth to that?

No YANBU. I have some friends who I know won't reply for days, others who will reply within minutes. Depends also on the nature of the message.

To make things easier just turn off your read receipts. If after a few such instances your family and friends aren't realising you're not an instant replier then they are the ones being rude IMO.

Yes, generally, I think it's rude. To not reply to most texts. Some don't require it, most do, to at least acknowledge receipt, keep the lines of communication going.