To think that it's not rude to not reply to a message for a few days

[poppp]

I'm not yet 30 and I feel like I was born in the wrong generation!!! I don't get all this instagram and Facebook stuff, I have no bloody idea what snap chat is! I HATE people posting pics on social media of my child and get the most bizarre look when I ask them not to post it. I noice that friends/family seem offish or sometimes mention well you never replied to my text, especially via WhatsApp as they can see that I've seen it! I'm a slow responder, it's not that I never reply it's just that I don't have my phone attached to me at all times. Or I get further messages asking if I saw their text... yes I saw it, you can see the sodding blue ticks to confirm that yes- I've seen it! AIBU to think it's pathetic to think I'm being rude because I take a few days to reply sometimes? I know it's not the norm, but is it really that offensive?!

Just answer the dratted message. If you're too busy to reply fully - explain that. People who don't respond then whine are way too precious imo.

It's fine not to read straight away, or even the same day.

However once it's read it's polite to reply! It's just a lie to say you don't reply for a few days because you don't have your phone glued to you, if you've read the text! You clearly had your phone when you read it!

Reply to say "I don't know, will think and reply when I know" or "bit busy just now, let's catch up in person next week" but don't pretend not replying to something you've read is virtue signalling that you aren't permanently glued to your phone!

You're not be unreasonable. It's no different from e-mail and people don't expect immediate responses to those.

I deleted WhatsApp and will never have it again because, in my opinion - and circle of participants - they just come across as really needy when they demand instant replies. If you need an instant reply, ring me - or just text a question - but don't text me for a 'chat'.

There's a big difference between not replying immediately because you are busy or whatever and ignoring someone for days. Anyone with even a basic grasp of etiquette would realise that ignoring someone for a period so long as to preclude convenience as a reason without even a cursory explanation is going to come across, quite rightly, as rude, and it really doesn't matter if you're ignoring a text, a voicemail, a letter or anything else,technology doesn't excuse bad manners.

Crazy, people who don't immediately answer texts aren't precious, or necessarily precious. This whole idea of "oh it only takes a few seconds" is dependent on someone having the phone close to hand, preferably staring at it. Many poeple have their phones on silent for periods of time - whether because they're working, or having a conversation, or spending time with their kids, at the gym or busy looking out a goddamn window dreaming of that actor from "Versailles".

OP I'm with you on this. In fact you're more 'online' than me as I don't even have what'sapp. My phone is a basic one, not a smartphone.

I think there is the assumption that everyone has a smartphone and that they're glued to it, and that we all have the same habits. If I get a message at 12 and dont reply until 5, for example, that may be because my phone is in my bag and I haven't needed to use it. It wouldn't occur to me to check it for messages (unless I'm not with my son in which case I like to be contactable at all times).

I look at Facebook maybe twice per week as I'm member of some social groups. Never use it for messages.

I appreciate everyone is different though, and its just important to set expectations. E.g. Everyone who knows me knows I have a Nokia brick and 'late' replies don't mean rudeness. I'd hate to be so contactable and have the expectation of speedy replies all the time.

I have all notifications etc turned off. All people who mean anything to me have been told that I regard the phone as being there for my convenience and not their's. If it's urgent phone the house phone, otherwise I'll reply when I can - even if I've read it as maybe just a quick glance to check it's not important- but if it is then they should've phone me

Yes, it's rude to read and ignore for a few days. Remove whatsapp and stick to texts or change your whatsapp settings.

How long does it take to reply to a message? It's seconds even if just to say 'can't talk now, get back to you later'. So yes I do think you are being quite rude

This isn't about having your phone on silent or not seeing a notification or even about being unable to reply during working hours, it's about reading a message and choosing not to reply for DAYS. Of course that's rude.

I would feel weird about someone sending me a message, reading it then not responding for days personally. It's rude imo.

Thank God I'm not the only one op!

I'm 31, and I feel exactly the same as you - in fact I could have written this very same thread.

I was at university a few weeks ago and we're only given a 10 minute break to divide our 3 hour lesson. The café is quite a walk away, so you really have to be definite as to whether you wee, get coffee or check your phone. Our break had just started, and as I picked up my bag to go to the café, I received a text. I read it and put my phone back in my bag and headed for the door. The 19 year old student who I sit next to said to me, 'mate, what about that text?' I honestly didn't know what she was getting at and said 'what about it?' She looked absolutely stunned, and told me there's a '10 minute rule' - you're meant to reply within 10 minutes of receiving a text apparently.

I told her that I thought the 10 minute rule was ridiculous, and that I feel so very sorry for her generation if this is the type of pressure they feel they are under. In every single class and lecture, she keeps her phone either in her hand or on the desk, and she constantly does snapchat, instagram and Facebook throughout. I think it shows appalling manners to our lecturers, and a shocking attitude to her studies, and if I were one of her lecturers I would have to say something to her. She is not the only student of that kind of age to be doing so either.

Selfies, and constant and efficient messaging etc must really take its toll and highly pressurise them. Fuck all that shit. I have a few real friends, you know in that old fashioned thing called real life, and they regularly wait several days for me to reply to texts. I think a huge problem nowadays is that people are messaging people who are Facebook friends etc, and not really true friends - the ones who would actually physically be there for you when the shit hit the fan, and they cannot be seen to 'lose face' amongst these almost virtual people.

The "10 minute rule" is rudiculous- and I suspect it was just in that particular person's social group. But there is a big difference between 10 minutes and a few days.

I think this is one of those "I feel superior to you because I don't do [insert popular thing here]" - in this case reply to texts.

People often mistake rudeness for superiority.

It's not about superiority. How can superiority apply to messaging? I don't 'do' Facebook. I don't feel superior because of that, I just don't get it, don't like it and don't do it. Pretty much in the same way I feel about mushrooms. I don't like them, don't eat them.

Nobody's looking down on people for replying quickly so why is it acceptable the other way around?

I think that people tend to fall into the 'birds of a feather flock together' thing so generally this isn't really an issue for most, just an observation on life, technology and what it means to this generation as opposed to the former generation.

Although phones in use during lectures is just plain rude. There's no doubt about it. It's like trying to have a conversation with somebody who is looking at their phone; not worth the effort and I'd walk away.

@Argeles I completely agree with you! It is rude to permanently be on your phone. I find it really sad that when we go to a meal with the extended family, most of them are on their phones at the dinner table. IMO it's rude to be on your phone and barely make eye contact when someone is talking to you. Yes I'm slow to reply to messages which some people find rude, but I'm also extremely sleep deprived getting up with my little one every 2 hours in the night and I want to spend my free time relaxing.
The chit chat is pointless IMO because when we catch up the conversations are based around what we've already discussed via text.
..... I should probably just move to a log cabin in the middle of nowhere with no signal!!!

There are some people out there that really don't check their phone that often. But there are many others who do have their phone glued to their hand 24/7. And you usually know which type of person each friend is.

If I send a text to a friend who I know is constantly on their phone, and they don't reply for days, I know it isn't because they are too busy. I can see that they are posting on Facebook, texting others on messenger, etc. I don't exactly get annoyed but it does show me where I am in the pecking order.

Similar thing with my sister, if I text her something like "do you want to catch up this week" or "can we talk about organising mums bday present" she won't reply, and will later say she was too busy. However if I text her "I've got that $50 I owe you" or "still need help painting your house this week?" then she isn't too busy and replies within seconds. Very coincidental.

It let's me know where I stand with her for sure.

I know it's not the norm, but is it really that offensive?!

Yes. Why can't you reply when you read the message? I can't stand people that don't reply once read. Unless its my sister with kids as she has a legitimate reason as to why she might not be able to respond instantly.

I'm an instant responder and don't see why - even if your phone isn't perma-attached - you can't reply when you read a message. What possible reason could there be for waiting a few days to reply?

It's incredibly rude imo.

As others have said there's a big difference between instant response and no reply for days. I'm certainly not one to be glued to my phone, I don't do FB, instagram etc and often wouldn't see a message for hours but if you actually open and read the message why would you not respond at least same day?

I think your comment that the chitchat is pointless is a bit telling. It's not so much you don't have time as you simply don't want to. You're entitled to feel that way but accept that family and friends may feel hurt when you ignore them because it does suggest you're not interested in them.

I really hate this demand for instant gratification that seems to be the norm. If I need to contact someone urgently, I telephone them, if there is no answer I will leave a message regarding the urgent nature of whatever, if I am just checking in, requesting information, or something similar I will text/whatsapp, and expect to get a response whenever is convenient for the recipient, be that minutes, hours or days, not immediately. Surely, that's the whole point of this technology? The message stays there, it doesn't disappear if it isn't responded to immediately.

I think people over about 25 have a different attitude to these things than those under about 25. Don't forget those of us above a certain age grew up before the Internet / emails / mobile phones / Facebook etc existed, and therefore can live without them, and can go for days without these things without it affecting our lives. At work I can easily go for weeks without checking my emails, and when someone says to me 'have you seen my email' I just say back 'no, what was it about, and you could have told me to my face like you are now'.

Replying later in the same day- fine.
Replying the next day with an apology- not great but ok.
Replying a week later- just not ok. It's incredibly rude to keep someone dangling like that- you may as well have an auto-reply saying "you are not important to me and will wait until I'm really, really bored".

In answer to the question how busy can you be, answer is very. I can pick up my phone, see a message, think "must reply to that when I've finished this call/meeting/contract/email" or whatever, then not recall it again for three days. It's called having a stressful professional job plus middle aged memory loss and it's no fucking joke. But it's not rudeness.

What nonsense some people are spouting.

It's not rude not to read a message immediately, or not to check your messages for days.

It is rude to have notifications set up so people see that you have read their message but then CBA to reply for several days, if you do it regularly rather than occasionally forget. It says "my time is more important than yours, I have seen that you have asked me a question but I am busier than you and you are not worth ten seconds of my time, so you can wait" in the same way being regularly very late to meet friends does.

This "oh those of us over 25 understand deferred gratification" and "some of us aren't glued to our phones" charade is just that - if you are not glued to your phone you won't be checking messages then choosing to ignore them for a few days, you will not be checking them til you have time free to check and reply, be that once per day, once per week or once per month. Deferred gratification is about deferring your own gratification, not refusing to reply to other people's communication.

I was 25 in the early 1990s, it doesn't stop me seeing that allowing people to see that you have received their message and choosing not to answer for several days looks like a deliberate snub or power play!

By all means get a basic phone, or just delete whatsap and let people know you are going low tech - or just use a messaging system which doesn't have read receipts! If people can assume you haven't seen their messages at least it doesn't look as though you are actively choosing to ignore a message you have allowed then to see that you have read for several days!