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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be v concerned about this - DD and boyfriend

76 replies

tactum · 18/07/2017 08:05

DD Y9 (nearly 15 but always quite young for her age) has just got her first boyfriend. He's been in her class and friends with her since y7 and they seem happy and within a large group of secure friendships.

He came over on his own for the first time last week - big school catchment area, rural, so meet ups are very arranged and involve parents dropping off etc. I have been having chats with her about boundaries etc and very specifically stated I wanted all doors to remain open so I could bob in and out. He was here for 4 hours and said about 3 words to me. They spent their time in the lounge watching tv and a couple of times the door was shut. I made an excuse to go in both times and opened it.

After he left I told her I wasn't happy about that and we'd agreed it in advance. I said if agreements weren't respected in future it would be a problem. She maintained nothing happened and she hasn't even kissed him properly yet. I was also a bit peed off that they hadn't popped into the kitchen for a drink so I could have a bit of a chat but hey ho.

Can I just say I have never snooped on her at all, but this morning emptied her blazer pockets to wash it and came across a scribbled note between her and her friend in a class and didn't stop myself from reading it. DD said that BF had expected her to touch his dick when he came round and her friend had told her to go for it - that was said in a jokey way so I don't know how to take that. I am pretty shocked to be honest. I may be being completely naive.

I am also pissed off that this kid thinks he can come round to my house, make no attempt to be polite really and then ask my daughter to do that in my house.

I may be coming across as naive and victorian, but I'm all new to this and floundering. I don't know how to handle this - I know I probably shouldn't have read the note, but now I have how do I handle this? I feel she is way too naive to be thinking about this and am now also set against him and don't know how to get over that if he is going to be a fixture.

Please be a bit gentle with me as I'm all at sea. But I really don't know how to handle this! Is this just completely normal and AIBU for having an issue with it? Surely not?

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 18/07/2017 08:10

Can't say much about the note and expectations but I woudnt get too worked up about His lack of communication with you. I'd be surprised if many 15 yr old boys want to make small talk with a middle aged woman who is probably pretty invisible to them.

putonyourdancingshoes · 18/07/2017 08:11

Re the boy not chatting...perhaps he was nervous/shy around you. Maybe he will come round.

With the whole no doors closed thing, stick to your guns, if the doors do not remain open he doesn't come round. Your house your rules etc.

I'm a bit torn on the letter front...to confront your DD on the actual context of the letter will probably be mortifying for her so maybe just a firm reminder if your expectations of her regarding sex and safety. She is 15 and still underage!

Fl0ellafunbags · 18/07/2017 08:13

Fifteen in year nine?

StormFrontage · 18/07/2017 08:13

So she's still only 14?

I'd go mad inside my head at that, probably rant at OH. And I'm pretty liberal. I don't expect 'Yes Mrs Patterson' all day, but I couldn't take that level of disrespect of my daughter, me, and our home.

But I'd be very nice and supportive to DD. Talk to her. Explain the lad is taking the piss, and she's worth more than that.

Bobbybobbins · 18/07/2017 08:14

I agree with the previous posters - stick to doors open, don't mention that you have seen the letter but be vigilant and speak to your daughter again about boundaries. There is a good video where consent is discussed with a cup of tea as the metaphor (not saying that your daughter is in this position but it's such an important message). When I was that age, my boyfriend would have rather not come round than been forced to make small talk with my mum!

Original poster

tactum · 18/07/2017 08:14

I said nearly 15 - she's v old in the year, so early autumn birthday.

OP posts:

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 18/07/2017 08:16

StickThatInYourPipe · 18/07/2017 08:18

The note reminds me of the notes me and my friends would send to each other to be billy big bollocks, 99% of the time if was just rubbish

onlyhumanafterall · 18/07/2017 08:23

I would definitely talk to her about boundaries. At her age she will find it hard to know how to say no especially if he is pushing her as the note and door closing suggests. I would be absolutely explicit without saying you saw the note ie no touching genitals.

I Work with young people and have to deal with situations where girls younger than their daughter have had sex or got pregnant and don't want their parents to know.

onlyhumanafterall · 18/07/2017 08:24

Younger than your daughter I mean

WingsofNylon · 18/07/2017 08:25

You have discussed your expectations. Now focus on her choices, discuss consent and talk about positive statements she can use to express what she does and doesn't want. Ultimately, if she wants to be physical with this boy you can't really stop her. All you can do is dry to equip her with the knowledge and confidence to make up her own mind and not be cajoled.

The not talking this is normal and fine. I don't see the connection. If he had been chatty and polite to you it still wouldn't give him the right to expect her to touch him.

AtHomeDadGlos · 18/07/2017 08:28

I wouldn't be worried about the note or the BF coming over. Better to have them in your house as you can set the rules. I also wouldn't let on that you discovered that note. It was probably bravado on his part and silliness on her and her friends. It's perfectly normal for teenagers of that age to be thinking about sex and discussing it (albeit in immature ways). Crickey, it was only 150 years ago that 14 year olds were being married off and having children (I'm not advocating this obviously).

Just have a conversation with her about peer pressure and not feeling forced into doing anything she doesn't want to do. During this chat clearly explain the importance of not photographing or allowing photographs to be taken of anything. Touching his cock lasts all of a few seconds, a photograph of her doing so lasts forever.

HurtleTheTurtle · 18/07/2017 08:29

The not talking this is normal and fine.

This.

Can you imagine talking to someone's mother after you've just asked their daughter to touch their dick?

I would discuss relationship boundaries, consent and communication in relationships with your daughter, educate her so she is confident making her own choices and defending her boundaries if needs be.

AtHomeDadGlos · 18/07/2017 08:30

And as others have said, a nervous teenage boy will never hold down the best conversation with his new GF's mother. Especially not if he's hoping to have her daughter toss him off.

Hellothereitsme · 18/07/2017 08:31

Most Teenage boys do not make small chat with middle age women I'm afraid. They grunt that's about it.

Keep the doors open your rules.

lanouvelleheloise · 18/07/2017 08:32

I'm sorry, I don't mean this to sound harsh - but your DD is not a little girl any more. She's much older than you think!! I honestly think you're taking the wrong approach here, in trying to police her sexuality by popping up like some crazed Victorian jack-in-the-box at every moment to see what she is up to! She's just going to feel that as prohibition, and to stop trusting and speaking to you as a result. And she has every right to begin to explore her sexuality in her own way at her age - attempts to stop her from doing this are not only likely to fail, but send the wrong message about shame and wrongness.

I think your focus should be on empowering her to make the decisions she wants to make, and not to feel pressured by whatever boy she is into going any further than she feels comfortable with doing. Emphasizing that she has a right to say no for herself is important - she needs to learn to own the right to make her own choices, not to be held in check by your rules and regulations. Boys are going to be coming at her from all angles from now on, and she needs to feel she can make her own choices from a position of power, not to be negotiating peer pressure alongside parental disapproval.

PoisonousSmurf · 18/07/2017 08:38

Get the little runt by himself and make it very clear to him that if he lays one finger on your daughter that you will make sure that his jewels will need more than a polish to be useful anymore.
I'm going to be a scary mother in law aren't I?

Miserylovescompany2 · 18/07/2017 08:38

Oh the joys of peer pressure! At 14, I had my first real boyfriend who was 2 years older. (I know a very different scenario) The pressure to take things to a higher level came from my peers not the older bf.

I would continue to set clear boundaries. I wouldn't mention the note because you need to leave the channels of communication free from obstruction.

Maybe a chat regarding her right to say NO, might be in order. Just because this person is your boyfriend doesn't give him a free pass to pressure you into doing things etc..

AChickenCalledKorma · 18/07/2017 08:39

My daughter is similar age. In your situation i would stick to my guns about keeping doors open. And I would be taking my daughter out one to one as much as possible, to find some good opportunities to talk. The lack of communication from her boyfriend wouldn't worry me. But I'd definitely be discussing consent, boundaries and whether she's happy with how things are going . And also the age of consent and the risks around photographs, especially if the relationship doesn't last.

WingsofNylon · 18/07/2017 08:39

lan said exactly what I was trying to say but far more eloquently. Shift focus from your rules (which can still be there) to get feeling strong in her own choices.

thereallochnessmonster · 18/07/2017 08:40

I honestly think you're taking the wrong approach here, in trying to police her sexuality by popping up like some crazed Victorian jack-in-the-box at every moment to see what she is up to! ... And she has every right to begin to explore her sexuality in her own way at her age - attempts to stop her from doing this are not only likely to fail, but send the wrong message about shame and wrongness.

Yes, but perhaps not by giving her bf a hand job in the livng room when her mum is at home!!

Agree with pp about talking to her about not being persuaded into doing anything, talk to her about boundaries and only doing what she feels comfortable with.

But I agree with you - it's your house! Why should you be made to feel uncomrtable by your d and her bf? It's a minefield, OP...

NukaColaGirl · 18/07/2017 08:42

I think I'd be focusing on bodily autonomy and consent and making sure she knows she absolutely does NOT have to touch his dick or do anything else if she doesn't want to.

caffeinestream · 18/07/2017 08:43

He's 14/15yo - he's not going to sit in the kitchen with you and have a cup of tea and a chat!

I agree the door should have remained open but I think your expectations of a 14yo are a little too high!

SuburbanRhonda · 18/07/2017 08:44

I'm going to be a scary mother in law aren't I?

If you're behaving like that when your children are married, no, you won't be scary, you'll just be an embarrassment.

Original poster

tactum · 18/07/2017 08:56

OK OK I get the not chatting bit, I honestly do. And if he had been charming and chatted away that wouldn't have meant he had more right to ask anything of her obviously!

I do have convos with her about choices and being comfortable with whats going on, saying no etc and she has been relatively open I think.

One of my main concerns is she is only the 2nd to get a boyfriend in her big group of friends, and the rest on them seem a bit 'invested' in it and excited for her. I fear more that them egging her on or being excited for her will set the pace ifyswim.

And btw I wasn't jumping up like a victorian jack rabbit at all. We had agreed doors open and that wasn't kept to - both times I went in I was calling her name before I walked in the room, not trying to pounce on them and catch em at it, can't think of anything worse.

I have also had an honest chat with her about how this is for me - not putting anything on her. I have just made it clear that I am excited for her entering this new phase of her life and want her to enjoy it. But also just as it is new to her this is also new to me - I am trying to feel my way through this as well as her, and we need to find ways to make everyone feel comfortable about what is going on. I'm not trying to lay down the law, but feel our way forward through this minefield. I am definitely not -my house my rules no discussion- but she knows if I am not comfortable with stuff at this early stage then that will be an obstacle. Does that sound ok?

OP posts:

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