to be v concerned about this - DD and boyfriend

[tactum]

DD Y9 (nearly 15 but always quite young for her age) has just got her first boyfriend. He's been in her class and friends with her since y7 and they seem happy and within a large group of secure friendships.

He came over on his own for the first time last week - big school catchment area, rural, so meet ups are very arranged and involve parents dropping off etc. I have been having chats with her about boundaries etc and very specifically stated I wanted all doors to remain open so I could bob in and out. He was here for 4 hours and said about 3 words to me. They spent their time in the lounge watching tv and a couple of times the door was shut. I made an excuse to go in both times and opened it.

After he left I told her I wasn't happy about that and we'd agreed it in advance. I said if agreements weren't respected in future it would be a problem. She maintained nothing happened and she hasn't even kissed him properly yet. I was also a bit peed off that they hadn't popped into the kitchen for a drink so I could have a bit of a chat but hey ho.

Can I just say I have never snooped on her at all, but this morning emptied her blazer pockets to wash it and came across a scribbled note between her and her friend in a class and didn't stop myself from reading it. DD said that BF had expected her to touch his dick when he came round and her friend had told her to go for it - that was said in a jokey way so I don't know how to take that. I am pretty shocked to be honest. I may be being completely naive.

I am also pissed off that this kid thinks he can come round to my house, make no attempt to be polite really and then ask my daughter to do that in my house.

I may be coming across as naive and victorian, but I'm all new to this and floundering. I don't know how to handle this - I know I probably shouldn't have read the note, but now I have how do I handle this? I feel she is way too naive to be thinking about this and am now also set against him and don't know how to get over that if he is going to be a fixture.

Please be a bit gentle with me as I'm all at sea. But I really don't know how to handle this! Is this just completely normal and AIBU for having an issue with it? Surely not?

I have a concern that in the near future she and he will meet away from your house to get a level of privacy that you are in no way inclined to give. I lived near a beach and that is where I first snogged someone and then a year or two later, had sex. And had sex often there because privacy was not available elsewhere.

I would mention the note but in a clear context of a proper, adult sex chat. And why its bad to be going that far at that age and she should do what she wants, not what her friends want. Consent and agreement are better for you and your daughter and will also be better for you both in the longer term. Why do you want to catch them/prevent them snogging? By making this relatively simple act a mountainous taboo, you are making sex something that she will never be inclined to speak to you about. Which is a shame really.

I know is scarey but you will know your daughter has already started the journey to womanhood. You can go on this journey with her or you can try and place as many odd road blocks as you want (all doors jammed open! No privacy etc.)