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Being a decent SAHP ?

112 replies

MommaGee · 17/07/2017 14:27

So a SAHP with a 2 yo IMO should be able to:
Look after and entertain said toddler, keep on top of the day2daY housework (lunch, washing up, keeping the floor swept, toys etc) , have time to teach them animals, colours etc each day, get a load of washing done and a load on the line, and cook a proper dinner every night.

So why can't I?

Shopping half put away. Washing in the machine. Washing up and sides half done. Living room a bomb. Bedroom not ventured near since 8 am.
He's currently in the pushchair pretending he might nap. I'm having lunch.

He won't sit still including when he has his tube milk so I end up following him around with his pump. He's pretty good on his o2obut can get in a knot and a mess with it. He climbs on EVERYTHING so needs to be within my sight and would prefer me to be in the same room watching him, cuddling him or playing with him.

As I tidy up one set of toys he has something else out. His toys being accessible in the living room is the only place we have for them and I like him being able to play freely with them. But all of that is a lane excuse isn't it because everyone else manages. I have WOHP friends in very prestigious jobs with lots of stress and they manage.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm depressed and that's whyti find it hard to get going and do stuff but then I think maybe that's an excuse for being lazy.

DH is great and does his fair share and doesn't say anything but I just feel like I don't want to move if were in the house besides supervising the toddler

So not sure what my aibu is - to be so useless? but know tough love is over here

OP posts:
ingeniusnonsense · 17/07/2017 14:31

He's tube fed? On that basis alone, sit down and have a brew!

Llanali · 17/07/2017 14:31

Firstly, not everyone does manage it.
Secondly, not everyone is coping with a child who sounds as though he has additional health needs.
Finally, everyone is different. Cut yourself some slack. If it bothers yo and you want to do more, there are some organizational tips to help, if you want them.

ingeniusnonsense · 17/07/2017 14:32

By the way very few manage it. I have a 20 minute blast through and that's it. It's good enough.

ingeniusnonsense · 17/07/2017 14:33

And sweetheart, depression isn't an excuse for lazy.Flowers

MamaBear001 · 17/07/2017 14:33

It's a handful and we always think everyone else is swimming along and they just aren't!

Pat yourself on the back your doing brilliantly. Being a mum is about enjoying the good days and getting through the not so good days!


claritytobeclear · 17/07/2017 14:37

I had a thought today, that is,

'Work in progress is always messy.'

The thing is your work is not done.

MommaGee · 17/07/2017 14:41

Yup ingeniusnonsense and o2 so he's literally a walking trip hazard! That likes to climb. He's a climbing trip hazard haha.

How does everyone else do it though? I thought once we'd been home long enough solidly to get into a routine (6 months solid and counting whoopp) it'd be fine but he's like a tiny (not so tiny) destroyer.

I don't think being depressed is an excuse to be lazy before I offend anyone but sometimes I'm not sure which one I am.

I try to do a 20 minute blast before DH comes home but I need to get dinner on then too so whilst in doing the latter not-so-tiny destroyer is undoing the former

OP posts:
SpaghettiAndMeatballs · 17/07/2017 14:41

Nah - I didn't manage it at all - especially at that age when you really can't trust them to be left alone in a room - so they have to come everywhere with you, so you'll be trying to hang some washing out, meanwhile they're pulling the washing out of the basket and getting it dirty again, or wandering around the garden picking up stuff or prodding stuff they shouldn't, or trying to climb up and down the steps and you have to watch to make sure they're not going to take a tumble etc. - so what should take 10 minutes takes 30 minutes and you're frazzled by the end of it.

You just have to turn off that bit of your brain that worries about the stuff you should be doing, and live in the moment. Do what you can, and don't worry about it. As they get older, hopefully it gets easier (or at least the actions turn to words.. mind you, if you get a chatter box that's pretty nerve frazzling by the end of the day too!)

ingeniusnonsense · 17/07/2017 14:44

You have to live like a slattern. I'm a stay at home mum and we have a cleaner. I would rather sell my organs than lose her. I am a devoted mother but I'm a bit crap at organisation so I cut myself some slack, and I think you should too.

TBH, it's a victory most days if I've got my bra on.

Shantotto · 17/07/2017 14:45

Does everyone do it though? I sure don't! DS will be 2 on Monday and I feel like it's a huge achievement if I've done a load of washing, a miracle if I hang it up!

I can't imagine doing all the housework and making sure DS doesn't cause himself or something else some serious damage.

I try and cook or at least Prep but that's rare. I think of doing a quick blast before DP is home but what's the point - it's wrecked again as soon as my back is turned.

MommaGee · 17/07/2017 14:46

He's non verbal so reasoning with him is frisking hard - what's up? Uh uh ahhhhh. Erm ok then!

And no bra so far (I was at least decent for the Asia man haha) lol

OP posts:
SheepyFun · 17/07/2017 14:48

Bear in mind that most children of WOHP are cared for outside the home (by a childminder or nursery) meaning that the home doesn't get anywhere near as untidy. Plus they're fed outside the home, so that's one less thing to tidy up.

In short, so long as your son is safe, cared for (fed/changed etc.) and mostly happy (he'll have at least a few tantrums whatever you do), then you're doing well. I've learnt to set the bar very low, which has done wonders for my mental health.

MommaGee · 17/07/2017 14:48

Maybe knowing I'm not the only one helps. Sleeping through would too. It doesn't help being tired because we have 1 or 2 get ups a night so I never sleep a decent block. And now I'm watching cbeebies and talking to you lot when I should do the washing up

OP posts:
MrsOverTheRoad · 17/07/2017 14:50

I remember the toddler years as a blur of backache, exhaustion, worry and insecurity, coupled with shock.

It's fine OP...fine. Have a rest. I used to just try to do the washing up/food and go for a short walk to the park daily...that was all I could manage and some days not even that.

Sleepthief84 · 17/07/2017 14:52

I have days where I get nothing done and DD isn't tube fed and doesn't have any additional needs. Cut yourself some slack. Some days I seem to manage everything with ease - last week I had a day where I managed to clean all of downstairs, do the washing, cook dinner, rearrange the sitting room and get us both up, fed, bathed, dressed etc as well as having time to play. Other days we slob around like a pair of tramps in an untidy house and we all end up having a freezer dinner. What I find helps on a 'good' day is to be up, showered and dressed promptly. It sets my days off to a good start and makes me feel more organised which sort of sets the tone for the day.

justkeepswimmingg · 17/07/2017 14:55

OP being a SAHP is bloody hard work. Do not be hard on yourself. My DS (2) is currently watching despicable me 2 (previously watched despicable me 1), just so I could have a quick clean of the kitchen and have a little time to myself. The washing up is still in the sink, and the floor is only half clean. The living room is a complete and utter bomb site. Let's not even discuss upstairs Hmm. DS refuses to nap so TV is my savour to housework. I won't be tidying up the living room until DS is in bed tonight.
I'm currently pregnant, and struggling big time, and I've learned to just lower my standards.
I understand what you mean about finding the time to do the 'learning' side of things too. Those orchard games have helped my DS become more vocal if that helps.
Also.. well done OP, you sound like you're doing great. Glad to hear your DS is doing well health wise SmileFlowers.

ps. Sod the washing up, and have a brew.

AvoidingCallenetics · 17/07/2017 14:58

I used to have a playpen, so I had somewhere safe to put dc while I did stuff that I couldn't do with a baby running around. It meant I could do things more quickly as I didn't have to keep stopping. I varied the toys in there, so it was interesting.
Also did cooking when dc were asleep.
But honestly, so much depends on the kind of baby you have. Some are quite happy to sit and play happily while you do stuff but others are not and if you happen to have one who needs attention all the time, it is normal to not be able to do much else!

Tootsiepops · 17/07/2017 15:00

Me and my 20 month old are sitting watching CBeebies in our pjs. It is too hot to bother doing anything.

I'm a sahm and my daughter goes to nursery two mornings per week and we have a cleaner and I still get fuck all done.

I've only had a bra on briefly today when I had to go and meet our builder Grin

I contemplated starting dinner, but if I'm honest I think it's going to be a dominos pizza night.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

MommaGee · 17/07/2017 15:00

Oh what the orchard games? We technically have SALT but vaguely as she's meant to be for feeding not talking. Seeing talking lady August

OP posts:
OMGtwins · 17/07/2017 15:07

What's this dinner on the table nonsense? And all this list of "shoulds"... Where does that come from? I am a WOHP and my wife is a SAHM. Our twins are now nearly 4 and some days she's done nothing but take them out, do a bit of educational playing and kept them from hurting themselves. That's quite enough for anyone and I really struggle to discuss the same with them. And that's without any additional needs.

Cut yourself some slack, perhaps go to your GP for a chat about how you feel, and tackle the dinner and any jobs (second the lowering of standards, a bit of muck is good for kids, that's how I like to think of it!) as a team with your DH (who sounds lovely from the little bit you've written about him not minding) when DC is sleeping if possible. Broken nights are also brutal, we felt like death until ours started sleeping through, at about 2 and a half years old.

Be kind to yourself OP x

PerpetualStudent · 17/07/2017 15:07

I'm home at least part of the week with 2 yr old DS & I think this is a V tough age - maximum mobility and willfullness, mimimum common sense and ability to follow instuctions!

I tend to do the absolute mimimum of housework during the day (literally only what's necessary to put food on the table and keep the flat safe!) Then have a proper blast once DP gets home and can take over, or once DS is in bed. I'vr come to the conclusion trying to do any remotely sustained task with a toddler underfoot is impossible and leaves everyone frustrated.

And my golden rule is never tidy the toys part way through the day - recipe for madness! I encourage a 'tidy up time' before bathtime to get DS taking some responsibility, and again I just do the rest once he's alseep.

You are not lazy, toddlers are a special brand of demanding at the best of times!

MommaGee · 17/07/2017 15:12

He is good and if (when) dinner isn't cooked he'd never comment. He'll do it or distract toddler. Just what I thought I'd be able to do as a SAHM back when I was going back to work

I know I should talk to GP but honestly what can they dim. I can't won't take anti depressants, cab have sleeping tablets because of waking up and can't get childcare for counselling. So I can sit and wing but teats all.
Summer holidays all our groups stop which means the adult support I get through the one group and play therapy goes AWOL too.

I thought about getting MIL to come over one day a week for a few hours so I could blitz upstairs and the kitchen but it just makes me fele5like a failure. It not her. She's lovely.

OP posts:
MommaGee · 17/07/2017 15:13

DH does the halfway tidy up. I think it ruins his creative flow 😅

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 17/07/2017 15:14

Very minor thing, but think how you can take the pressure off for evening meals - batch cook / make slightly larger quantities to bung in the freezer for the following week, do "cook in the bag" type stuff like this where you can shove meat and veg in together for 45 min, have one or two easy nights when dinner is a jacket potato and beans. Honestly, it does not matter.

OliviaTheFox · 17/07/2017 15:16

I've managed to get dinner done for DP coming once in the last fortnight.
I'd love to do it daily I had images of lovely cooked from scratch food every day. Ha fucking ha. Not with a 2 year old to chase and she's in everything, can't turn my back for a second.

Look you may feel it but you are not alone. And that makes no difference because I still feel I'm the only one who doesn't cope and all other sahp must be amazing.
I've even cried about this to my DO this week as I felt I wasnt coping.
He tell me I'm being stupid and I'm great.

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