To think there's no point in getting a job?

[WildBelle]

This will probably be long...sorry!

I have just graduated with first class honours from a very good university. I've been so focussed on studying for the last 4 years that I haven't really thought too much about what I'm going to do at the end of it, but now that time is here and I need to make some decisions.

I'm a lone parent of two dc, the eldest of which has ASD (fairly certain the younger one does too but not diagnosed). I have PTSD and depression, which means sometimes I'm fine and sometimes I can't get out of bed for days on end. My youngest DC is 7, and they go to different schools. I also have an elderly dog, who has never really had to be left on his own and if I do ever have to leave him for short periods of time, he becomes very distressed and cries pitifully until I get back.

I live rurally and there are quite literally no jobs around here. My childcare options are limited to 8am-6pm during the week, which gives me an hour max for commuting, which would be long enough to get me to a reasonably large town, which without putting too fine a point on it, is a bit of a shithole, with not many (if any) graduate job opportunities.

I've been self employed for the last 12 years, and my business is profitable but doesn't make anywhere near enough to live off without the support of tax credits. At the moment I work 16 hours a week, but could potentially work quite a lot more than that (I work from home and so easy to do when the kids are in bed).

I don't think working full time would be an option for me at the moment. I have the dc 100% of the time, and have very little other family support. If I worked full time, my DC would not be able to do any of the clubs or activities that they currently do, and God knows what I'd do with the dog. There are no doggy daycare places nearby, and to be honest I think he'd struggle going somewhere like that as he is such an old boy. My eldest would have to walk herself to school and back every day in all weathers (it's a considerable distance) and with her ASD it's enough of a challenge getting her to go to school at all. She's had two fairly long periods of time over the last two years where she's completely refused to go to school, and it was agreed by professionals that she should take some time out. I have no idea if/when this will happen again! I also think I have to be realistic about my own mental health, and I think jumping in at the deep end, into full time work, would be a bit much.

So the way I see it, I have three options:

1. Part time work. I found a job today which is £21k pro rata for 21.5 hours a week. It would be a push to get there (it's about 30 miles away) within the limits of my available childcare. I also did the maths and realised I would be worse off financially than I am now, receiving full housing benefit and tax credits, once I'd paid tax, travel expenses and extra childcare. And again, I have the problem of what the bloody hell to do with the dog.

2. Go back into education. I could apply to do a 1 year masters + 3 year Phd, and as I got a first I may be able to get a studentship, where they would pay me to do it (I think it's £16k a year). Not sure what I'd do at the end of it, but it might be a positive use of time whilst the kids are so reliant on me.

3. Carry on as I am. I am managing financially, though I wouldn't say we were well off by any means, with what I receive in benefits and what I earn from self employment. I could put more hours in and really try to get my business earning more. I would be much better off financially doing this, even on what I'm earning now, than being in part time work. But I would like to move away from welfare ultimately. I suppose the question is whether I do that now, even though it will leave me worse off and create all sorts of stresses around child and dog care, or whether I leave it for a while until the kids are a bit older and more independent.

Sorry, it's probably all a bit muddled, I am getting people asking me all the time what I'm going to do now I've finished uni and I get quite stressed out by the question because I really don't know what would be best.

Can't you move?

I don't have experience of your situation as such, but based on what you are saying I think you should go with option 3 for the time being until your DCs are less reliant on you (or at least until you can tell for sure how much they need you and when).

I personally have bad experience of doing (or trying to do) a PhD just because I could. It's a big commitment, your heart really needs to be in it. Personally I feel that unless you know why you are doing the PhD, i.e what opportunities there are at the end, I wouldn't do it.

Are there any courses, short term or even online, which could offer some career options and maybe improve future job prospects?

I'm surprised you did a degree as a single parent (which can't have been easy) with no idea how you might use it. What is the degree in?

I just finished a PhD. It's incredibly difficult to do when you're alone, rather than with children and responsibilities. You also must WANT the PhD and research, rather than doing it because its available. It's incredibly intensive and emotionally draining.

I'd suggest number 3 until you can find a better job opportunity. What was your degree in, if you don't mind?

Would you get support elsewhere in the country and if so what are job prospects in that area of the country?

Personally - if you have the time to further your education now and the inclination then I would do that with a view to an industry or role and then move to wherever the jobs are in that afterwards if you are happy living where you are for now or move nearer to support while completing the masters and phd

I have no advice, but would like to congratulate you on achieving your degree. Well done. How on earth did you manage it under the circumstances?

I think if you're dependent on working tax credits then it shouldn't be a long term thing you're reliant on. I'd move somewhere bigger with the option of part time work.

Definitely don't do a PhD if you don't think there'll be any use in it.

I think you've put yourself in a difficult situation getting a dog and living rurally. As a lone parent you need decent childcare and work available so that would be a priority in choosing where to live.

I think your most sensible option is to go with your second choice whilst you are able to.

I think it is a fantastic opportunity to do a PhD and you will have more freedom when the dc are older and perhaps your choices will be better.

Can you move? I'm not sure how healthy it is for you to be so isolated.

I can't move no, we had to move 10 times in 10 years before we moved here almost 4 years ago, and now DD1 in particular is very settled here, and has made friends which is very difficult for her. I think I'd be massively messing with her mental health if i moved her yet again, she's been to 5 schools as it is.

I'm also veering towards option 3, although I'm aware that once I get moved to UC, which could happen at any time, that particular bubble will burst, so it's not a very stable plan.

I absolutely love the subject I studied, and feel quite passionate about it, and also really miss studying. I have an idea for a research proposal and I would love to be able to do it, although like I said I don't actually know what I'd do at the end of it. I'm also aware that by then I'd be in my forties with no work experience other than self employment since my early twenties.

Lonicera - thanks, and I have no idea really! It was quite stressful at times to say the least. Uni were very supportive of my situation and were good at giving me extensions when I needed them which really helped.

I'm not really isolated, I live in a very small town of about 3000 people, and I have slowly made some friends here, as have the DC. The thought of starting all over again somewhere else seems like too much, we got this house because I was a victim of DV, and we feel really settled here now.

The dog...well he was foisted upon me 13 years ago and so there's not much I can do about that now. I love him to bits though, he's got me through some pretty dark times.

We also moved to this area because my DM is nearby, and although she's not the keenest Granny in the world, some occasional help/respite from the DCs is better than none at all.

As a fellow single parent to two children one with an ASD I know it is incredibly hard to make it work. I worked part time then stupidly left for a ft job and it was a nightmare really. Manager awful. Paid a pittance. Kids neglected! I started outsourcing laundry and ordering takeaways and was no better off. Mind you I'm not as educated as you are so in my last job I was earning a pittance and we were all under so much pressure. Kids homework unsupervised etc... Now I've been unemployed for five months, job hunting the entire time and feeling some shame at my lack of success. However, life is easier, house is tidier, kids are happier. I'm feeling very cross and exasperated that Society judges me when 'Society' won't give me a job or make working worthwhile (I don't mean financially, I mean, it would make our quality of life so stressed). I'm reading a book a mn-er recommended called ''How to be free'' and I'm changing direction. I'm no longer trying to Tony Robbins-style awaken some fake giant within me so that I can prove something. I just want to be allowed to work part-time and if I can get a part-time job at some point I will be relieved we are managing just (which we are) and if I take on a job it will be because it adds to our lives. Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself. Everything is a bit harder when you're a single parent. Everything is harder again when you have a dc on the spectrum. If you can get by without making your lives harder for a few years then don't fight it if it's the easiest thing.

I think you've put yourself in a difficult situation getting a dog and living rurally. As a lone parent you need decent childcare and work available so that would be a priority in choosing where to live

Yes, I agree. It sort of feel as though you've surrounded yourself with obstacles to stop you from working?

Can you get a part time job and carry on with your self employed work?

Thanks LaGrosella, it is bloody hard isn't it?! Really hope it works out for you and you find a job that fits in with your life soon.

Indogox - I could but then I would have to pay tax on all my self employed earnings, as my tax free allowance would be eaten up by employment, and would mean that it maybe wouldn't actually be that worthwhile doing it at all.

My x was abusive too and I'm sure people thought that when I was telling them that I couldn't have an au pair as I was living with my mother and my mother wouldn't look after the kids if I worked so it was going to be full on childcare costs. I think people underestimate the post traumatic stress that permeates your thinking after getting away from an abusive man. I put a lot of pressure on myself by ALWAYS seeing myself through the lens of the MOST critical person. Like I would actively try to dwell on what the least understanding person would think of my not working and berate myself as though that were what the whole world might think.

If you have some support from your mother and if you had an abusive relationship to recover from, I will advise you to lower your bar. I bet you expect too much from yourself.

rollonthesummer - I haven't intentionally done this, it's just the way it worked out. I didn't plan to get a dog (or kids now that I think of it), but they are here now and I have to make the best of it. Living rurally...I grew up in the countryside so it's what I'm used to, and moved here when I was extremely vulnerable after a very abusive relationship to be near my DM.

Thanks Wilbelle, I think I'm nearly as afraid of being trapped in commuter hell in a blah job for a shit wage and having no time for myself ever. It's a form of slavery and I was a slave once before. I'd rather be poor-ish and free-ish. I know it's all relative and I know I'm lucky that I'm not right up against the wall financially.

Why should I work full time so you can work p/t and claim benefits, take your kids to classes and stay home with your dog! The welfare system is so wrong.

After an abusive relationship I think it is sensible to move to where you have support. I think that is far more important than throwing yourself straight back in to the rat race.

Is your business related to your degree subject?

ps I don't think that all employment = ''rat race''. I would like to work if I can fit it in around two DC who need me and there is only me.