To think there's no point in getting a job?

[WildBelle]

This will probably be long...sorry!

I have just graduated with first class honours from a very good university. I've been so focussed on studying for the last 4 years that I haven't really thought too much about what I'm going to do at the end of it, but now that time is here and I need to make some decisions.

I'm a lone parent of two dc, the eldest of which has ASD (fairly certain the younger one does too but not diagnosed). I have PTSD and depression, which means sometimes I'm fine and sometimes I can't get out of bed for days on end. My youngest DC is 7, and they go to different schools. I also have an elderly dog, who has never really had to be left on his own and if I do ever have to leave him for short periods of time, he becomes very distressed and cries pitifully until I get back.

I live rurally and there are quite literally no jobs around here. My childcare options are limited to 8am-6pm during the week, which gives me an hour max for commuting, which would be long enough to get me to a reasonably large town, which without putting too fine a point on it, is a bit of a shithole, with not many (if any) graduate job opportunities.

I've been self employed for the last 12 years, and my business is profitable but doesn't make anywhere near enough to live off without the support of tax credits. At the moment I work 16 hours a week, but could potentially work quite a lot more than that (I work from home and so easy to do when the kids are in bed).

I don't think working full time would be an option for me at the moment. I have the dc 100% of the time, and have very little other family support. If I worked full time, my DC would not be able to do any of the clubs or activities that they currently do, and God knows what I'd do with the dog. There are no doggy daycare places nearby, and to be honest I think he'd struggle going somewhere like that as he is such an old boy. My eldest would have to walk herself to school and back every day in all weathers (it's a considerable distance) and with her ASD it's enough of a challenge getting her to go to school at all. She's had two fairly long periods of time over the last two years where she's completely refused to go to school, and it was agreed by professionals that she should take some time out. I have no idea if/when this will happen again! I also think I have to be realistic about my own mental health, and I think jumping in at the deep end, into full time work, would be a bit much.

So the way I see it, I have three options:

1. Part time work. I found a job today which is £21k pro rata for 21.5 hours a week. It would be a push to get there (it's about 30 miles away) within the limits of my available childcare. I also did the maths and realised I would be worse off financially than I am now, receiving full housing benefit and tax credits, once I'd paid tax, travel expenses and extra childcare. And again, I have the problem of what the bloody hell to do with the dog.

2. Go back into education. I could apply to do a 1 year masters + 3 year Phd, and as I got a first I may be able to get a studentship, where they would pay me to do it (I think it's £16k a year). Not sure what I'd do at the end of it, but it might be a positive use of time whilst the kids are so reliant on me.

3. Carry on as I am. I am managing financially, though I wouldn't say we were well off by any means, with what I receive in benefits and what I earn from self employment. I could put more hours in and really try to get my business earning more. I would be much better off financially doing this, even on what I'm earning now, than being in part time work. But I would like to move away from welfare ultimately. I suppose the question is whether I do that now, even though it will leave me worse off and create all sorts of stresses around child and dog care, or whether I leave it for a while until the kids are a bit older and more independent.

Sorry, it's probably all a bit muddled, I am getting people asking me all the time what I'm going to do now I've finished uni and I get quite stressed out by the question because I really don't know what would be best.

I do get DLA for dd, but only mobility at the lowest rate. I probably should have appealed but at the time had so much going on with my degree and everything else that I just accepted their decision. So I don't think UC would recognise my extra caring responsibilities as according to DLA she doesn't need any extra care!

Thanks Annie, that really means a lot. Yes the kids have been through the mill as much as I have and I owe it to them to give them as much stability as I can now.

Yes I could work more than 16 hours a week in my business, which is what I intend to do from now on and see if I can make some more money that way. I couldn't work any more than that while I was studying.

My business is selling books on Amazon

As someone who has had depression for over 15 years I really can't read any more cimments on this thread. It's making me really anxious and stressed.

All you people commenting about the OP considering staying on benefits, I hope one day you too suffer from depression and know how debilitating it is. Don't you think she'd rather not be in the situation she's in, but be free to work full time doing a job she enjoys?

I know that there are days on end when I can't get out of bed; no employer would accept that. I used to sit crying at my desk ... there was nothing I could do about it, it's not a choice, it just happens. Life feels unbearable and the very thought of having to get washed and dressed and talk to people would keep me awake all night unable to sleep, therefore exacerbating the problem.

OP, be there for your children and your dog. The time will come when you can work full time and you're ready for it. You risk making yourself more ill at the moment.

Meant to add when I was banging on about my own experience that I absolutely wouldn't wish on anyone the experience of doing a job that isn't suitable when you add an mh diagnosis and lone parenting into the mix, much less with a child with additional needs. You are right to be cautious.

But the longer you wait the harder it will be to work for anyone else ;) Give it a go, go and look at www.do-it.org.uk You'll boost your confidence if you get out there :) You can also choose when you do it, so your dog is left for minimal time.

You could also register on Borrow My Doggy, for walkers/sitters/company for him. But do realise it's probably the amount of time you spend at home that has caused his separation anxiety - something I'm hoping to prevent with my woofter!!!

Userwithoutname - you hit the nail on the head there, I would love nothing more than to not be in this situation, though at the same time I'm so grateful that I'm not where I was 5 years ago. It's so frustrating I could scream.

I've just studied sociology for 4 years and know that the 2 routes out of poverty for lone parents are full time work, or repartnering. Neither of those things look likely to happen.

Thanks TripTrap, I'll check out that site. I have looked into Borrow my Doggy before, but because I live in the arse end of nowhere, there aren't many likely borrowers. I might have more luck posting on the local FB page, if there was a retired person who didn't want a dog full time but would like to babysit mine that would be ideal. He is more than happy to sit on a sofa and be cuddled! Although with that arrangement if the said person was ill or away, I'd be stuffed. It is like having 3 children!

Ask for a suppersession re the dla, I find it highly unlikely that a child with asd who has needs great enough for low rate mob would not also have extra care needs.
Use the cerebra guide and the special needs boards on here. Pm me if you need help.

Little bird and amt- as I fellow PhD you are spot in re your advice regarding taking on a 3+1

Thanks, I did use the Cerebra guide when I first did the forms. I guess I'm worried that they will reassess her and decide that I'm entitled to nothing, as I'd be really fucked then.

If you don't think working full time is an option then I definitely wouldn't be doing a PhD. As that is more than full time.

Take some time out recover and look at your options.

Sorry re typos. I do wish you success in whatever route you take but a PhD is such an additional drain ❤️

Instead of a masters and phd are there any professional qualifications that would lead to a specific career which you would be interested in studying?

I think that your third option looks like the best one. My marriage broke down when I was half way through a degree - for a career change in my late 30s - and that meant that my son had to move house several times in quick succession. He has Asperger's and did deal with all the changes very well, but it was important for him, and for me, to be settled, for a time at least.

I used to live in a similarly sized big village/small town, and my next door neighbours there borrowed a dog. A youngish couple who both worked full-time they had the dog at weekends, and then some weekday evenings as well. So you never know, BorrowMyDoggy might work - worth giving it another try.

That would give you more freedom to do some volunteering/part-time work/ building up your business.

You've been through a lot in the past few years, and achieved a tremendous amount in that time as well. Don't feel that you have to fit a certain mould or way of life just because others expect it of you.

Option 3 is your best bet. Don't feel too despondent - look at what you have achieved over the past 5 years! Full time student, business woman, writer and mum. So start thinking about where you want to be in the next 5 years. Your DC will grow up and become more independent. Heck, they may support a move in the future, for college/jobs/hobbies. DDog won't be around forever, so enjoy him now but don't discount longer periods away from the house. If you have a local newsagent, try an ad in the window - can be surprisingly effective for local dogsitting. Above all, safeguard your health.

I have read the whole thread and all your replies OP.
I have a feeling that you want to feel like you are doing something worthy and going up in some way. This might feel more intense as you are trying to cope with very stressful responsibilities.
In my eyes, you are doing fine right now (option 3). But only you know what is best for your long term mental health and satisfaction. You write option 3 in that order precisely for that reason I think.
So I would suggest this: if sociology related PhDs can be done with flexible working options and work from home options, try and get a taste for it. You can terminate at MPhil if it becomes too much. I know quite a few people in fiercely competitive STEM fields who are doing their PhDs with these options simply because of the nature of the work involved. You can't do an experimental science PhD this way. That's not the end of the world though.
In contrast to other posters, I would say this: there is a good chance that enrolling in a PhD and the pressure of it (plus the money and flexible hours) might push you out of depression. It will most certainly introduce you to philosophical and mental challenges and that is draining for sure. But it could also have an opposite effect (just as exercise boosts your energy, no matter how counter intuitive that seems!).
So I would say go for it! Take plenty of time to research options, talk to as many people as you can. Find about the best options available near you and what those options will lead you to once you finish it. After a thorough research, if you feel up to it, go on and do it. Because of you feel up to it afterwards, you are definitely the sort of person who thrives under the kind of pressure a PhD can give. But remember, good planning is the key here: plan, network, talk and plan some more.
Good luck. You are a star already.

Thanks for the replies, some have been so lovely I've felt like crying. Valentine, you are spot on about what I'm feeling right now. I do feel a pressure to 'do something with my life', and I loved studying so much, having a focus was exactly what I needed. I'm feeling a bit lost now that's gone. I spent the last year at uni having an internal panic that it was nearly over.

I have a good relationship with many of the teaching staff at uni so plan to speak to some of them and get their input on whether I should apply and the best way of going about it. Going back to the same uni would be my only option as it's the only one near enough (luckily it's also very good).

I do think if youre well enough to manage a great degree you are probably well enough to work. you seem to be putting obstacles in the way to justify staying at home. move. yes the dc would be unsettled but they would eventually adapt. the dog... well I'm sure you could do something.
I really think the benefit system is screwed... it should be a safety net for when you're in dire straits not a lifestyle choice

Another thing to mention when you are talking to the teaching staff at the university is that you are open to part time work. I know of several people who have been employed as research assistants and tutors just by speaking to their lecturers at the right moment.
Very best of luck to you, OP

In contrast to other posters, I would say this: there is a good chance that enrolling in a PhD and the pressure of it (plus the money and flexible hours)

I'm sorry, but have you read the research on the effects of doing a PhD on mental health... its dire reading.

The university will have many roles. Carers guidance, support, many of these are part time. I'd definitely check those out.

I'm in a similar boat Op I've jist completed a degree. I think that if your have time and are patient the right job will come along.

You can always do option 3 short term whilst waiting for optiin 1 to work out. Possibly with a fledible contract. And work from home options. Have you looked into social policy work ? Editing? Your degree cam take you in lots of directions.

How old are the children? I am just wondering what all these people saying get a job expect you to do with your children in the school holidays and inset days. Unless they are old enough and capable to stay at home where do they go with no family support. I am married with 4 children youngest just about to start secondary school and I would not be able to work even part time as I can not and will not leave them home alone in the school holidays. However I can further my education as it's school hours only ready for when I am able to get work. I feel you should if you want to and can carry on with your education. I believe this is the best for your mh as you will feel like you are achieving something and improving yourself ready for work.

Congratulations on the first OP! I'd do the masters and reevaluate at the end of that.

Firstly congratulations on your degree, a massive achievement. I am very surprised at all the posters telling you to move, normally posters are all for people staying where their support network is. I think you need to look at what is positive and works and make sure you hold on to that - e.g. Where you live, the happiness of your children etc. If you move these things could quickly become an issue, so why change them. The benefit system is there to support people, you are working and claiming, for now. Don't think about what others are doing/thinking, it's none of their business. Focus on working towards a place where you are able to find job that works for your family. If everything is stable at home this will be easier for you to do. Good luck x

Look into commuting/work from home jobs. There are actually legit ones that are not scams. If you do a search online, you will find some. Perhaps you could use your degree in some capacity for a telecommuting role. There are more and more opportunities for this as times are changing. It seems like working from home may be ideal for you given your personal situation.

^That was meant to say telecommuting - not commuting! :)