To think there's no point in getting a job?

[WildBelle]

This will probably be long...sorry!

I have just graduated with first class honours from a very good university. I've been so focussed on studying for the last 4 years that I haven't really thought too much about what I'm going to do at the end of it, but now that time is here and I need to make some decisions.

I'm a lone parent of two dc, the eldest of which has ASD (fairly certain the younger one does too but not diagnosed). I have PTSD and depression, which means sometimes I'm fine and sometimes I can't get out of bed for days on end. My youngest DC is 7, and they go to different schools. I also have an elderly dog, who has never really had to be left on his own and if I do ever have to leave him for short periods of time, he becomes very distressed and cries pitifully until I get back.

I live rurally and there are quite literally no jobs around here. My childcare options are limited to 8am-6pm during the week, which gives me an hour max for commuting, which would be long enough to get me to a reasonably large town, which without putting too fine a point on it, is a bit of a shithole, with not many (if any) graduate job opportunities.

I've been self employed for the last 12 years, and my business is profitable but doesn't make anywhere near enough to live off without the support of tax credits. At the moment I work 16 hours a week, but could potentially work quite a lot more than that (I work from home and so easy to do when the kids are in bed).

I don't think working full time would be an option for me at the moment. I have the dc 100% of the time, and have very little other family support. If I worked full time, my DC would not be able to do any of the clubs or activities that they currently do, and God knows what I'd do with the dog. There are no doggy daycare places nearby, and to be honest I think he'd struggle going somewhere like that as he is such an old boy. My eldest would have to walk herself to school and back every day in all weathers (it's a considerable distance) and with her ASD it's enough of a challenge getting her to go to school at all. She's had two fairly long periods of time over the last two years where she's completely refused to go to school, and it was agreed by professionals that she should take some time out. I have no idea if/when this will happen again! I also think I have to be realistic about my own mental health, and I think jumping in at the deep end, into full time work, would be a bit much.

So the way I see it, I have three options:

1. Part time work. I found a job today which is £21k pro rata for 21.5 hours a week. It would be a push to get there (it's about 30 miles away) within the limits of my available childcare. I also did the maths and realised I would be worse off financially than I am now, receiving full housing benefit and tax credits, once I'd paid tax, travel expenses and extra childcare. And again, I have the problem of what the bloody hell to do with the dog.

2. Go back into education. I could apply to do a 1 year masters + 3 year Phd, and as I got a first I may be able to get a studentship, where they would pay me to do it (I think it's £16k a year). Not sure what I'd do at the end of it, but it might be a positive use of time whilst the kids are so reliant on me.

3. Carry on as I am. I am managing financially, though I wouldn't say we were well off by any means, with what I receive in benefits and what I earn from self employment. I could put more hours in and really try to get my business earning more. I would be much better off financially doing this, even on what I'm earning now, than being in part time work. But I would like to move away from welfare ultimately. I suppose the question is whether I do that now, even though it will leave me worse off and create all sorts of stresses around child and dog care, or whether I leave it for a while until the kids are a bit older and more independent.

Sorry, it's probably all a bit muddled, I am getting people asking me all the time what I'm going to do now I've finished uni and I get quite stressed out by the question because I really don't know what would be best.

You're right laGrosellla, people make 'jokey' remarks about me being on benefits and I get paranoid about what people think of me. And I guess I want the best for my DC and to be able to give them all the opportunities I can, but there's only one me and that one me isn't always functioning too well tbh.

It's 5 years now since I got out of that relationship and after lots of therapy and work on myself I've come a very long way. I had a book published about what happened to me, and I threw myself into education as a means of distraction. But I still sometimes really struggle and that makes me angry with him and with myself because it still feels like he's winning sometimes.

Indegox - No completely unrelated.

Indogox - I could but then I would have to pay tax on all my self employed earnings, as my tax free allowance would be eaten up by employment, and would mean that it maybe wouldn't actually be that worthwhile doing it at all.

Yep cos that would be awful to actually have to pay tax rather than take handouts/credits from the rest of us ......

What's the degree in? What sort of jobs are possible?

Quizqueen - did you miss the bit about my long term mental health problems and my DD's disability?

"Why should I work full time so you can work p/t and claim benefits, take your kids to classes and stay home with your dog! The welfare system is so wrong."

This kind of heartless comment is why it took me so long to silence my extremely critical inner voice after I left my abusive x. I had psychotherapy and the therapist asked me why my critical voice was so judgmental. She thought I should have a more forgiving and a kinder inner voice obviously but I had internalised every judgmental comment I'd read on internet fora. After an abusive relationship you'll be susceptible to that.

A lot of the time people just have no comprehension of how difficult it is so don't go inviting their judgment. Don't lay your life out and invite random internet sprites to judge.

Blackstars - I'm more than happy to work and pay tax, but for that particular business losing 20% of the profits would make it quite pointless, I have enough on my plate as it is without working for what would be practically nothing. I would be far better off just getting a full time job rather than doing that, which as I've explained in my OP would be difficult right now for lots of reasons.

rollonthesummer - it's in social sciences.

Wow, you had a book published! [congratulations]
That's amazing! I wrote an short story about a woman who was being abused and her neighbour who was single and free and the contrast between their two lives. Unpublished. I called it Silencing the Judge. The judge was in my own head. I was very hard on myself. Now I'm better at tuning out the criticism. I know the obstacles I've faced and they don't just melt away because others who have not sat down with a calculator to see if they could make your life work snip and gripe at your difficulties.

And the ridiculous thing is, I don't think I was that judged in real life. The most hurtful comments were all on line from total strangers. I'm sure that anybody who genuinely knows your life and what you've been through and sees what you've been through and rescued your children from will know that you're focused and a good role model to your dc.

OP if it is possible to complete a degree it is possible to work.

My job involves working with women with depression and post trauma - and many work .

You seem to have a "can't do" attitude about this .

I'd love a degree in Social Sciences! I admire you OP.

What sort of jobs have you considered applying for?

Thanks Grosella, I have friends tell me that I've done/am doing really well, and most of the reviews for my book are really positive and quite often express surprise that anyone could go through that and still be sane, but I'm not very good at handling praise and don't really believe what they are saying.

NoMud - During my degree I went to definitely less than 50% of my lectures (also missed two entire semesters over the three years) because of my MH problems. It wasn't such a big deal because if I'd been too scared to sleep the night before and been awake all night, I just wouldn't go in, and catch up on the reading. If I had an employer relying on me to be there whatever happens, I think I would find that really hard.

If paying tax on your business earnings would make it pointless then it is not a sensible/viable business, is it? More a money making hobby, surely?!

It's better to work and earn the same amount as you would in benefits than rely on benefits. I think it's something often taken for granted really - the feelings that come from self provision and being out there in the world being an adult

(From a single mum to a severely autistic, learning disabled now 18 year old son who can knock ten bells out of me, student, business owner and dog owner suffering from depression, seriously isolated and without family help, so I know what it's like!!!)

"My job involves working with women with depression and post trauma - and many work"

Some can make it work but it depends. I remember a woman with one neurotypical child making me feel that I was throwing obstacles in my own path because she managed to make working work with her one easy child, when I couldn't make it work with two dc (one with an ASD). Horrible attitude. Every body is different. Everybody has a different set of circumstances, different advantages and different disadvantages. That attitude of ''others have done it so you ought to feel bad that you haven't managed it'' is really unprofessional and really unkind from somebody who works with post trauma patients

OP I have to check out now because this thread reminds me of a time when I used to haul myself over hot coals on line, I used to summons the judgmental to take a pop at me.

rollonthesummer - I have been looking and considering anything! I think I'm on a hiding to nothing finding a job which directly relates to my degree, as there are so few jobs nearby.

TripTrap - tbh yes it has been more of a sideline really, I only started that business when I moved here 4 years ago, and have been studying full time since then, so it's been done on a very part time basis. I would like to give really going for it a try and see if it can become more profitable, as that would be my easiest option for sure at the moment.

It sounds like you could go for something like the part time job and then if you find you really can't manage it, come back to the benefits/business. I think you'd feel much better if you were self sufficient, and you're also much safer under a Tory government if you're not reliant on benefits. I think that if you got a good workplace and working situation you'd be amazed by how much being in work could help your mental health (speaking as one who knows).

Move, clearly the obvious option.

You mention no family support so that's no reason to stay. You live far from DC school, far from crap town, far from any dogcare issues.

I think moving is fine, plenty of children move around. It will be better in the long run for child to see mum work hard and be happy.

Or can you not work full time at your business? Why would you currently only do that part time when you can do from home? Is it to stay under 16hours for relevant benefits?

Congratulations n your degree 🥂💐🎂

Please try to ignore the critical & nasty posts, they're not worthy of your energy.

Given that something like 95% of us take more out of the system than we ever put in, I think people banging on about 'their taxes' paying for your lifestyle choices are pretty stupid. However, if we are playing that game...I work full time & pay plenty of tax - I'd far rather 'my taxes' went to someone like you, with MH issues & a disabled child, who genuinely needs help than some layabout who just can't be arsed working & sits around in his joggers scratching his arse all day.

I think you should do a combination of 2 & 3.

Working full time would not be good for you, your DD's or the Old Boy . Your DD's need you, especially your eldest. It's virtually impossible to get any kind of wrap around care for children of her age, especially with LD's. You have got yourself & the girls out of a DV situation, you have PTSD & I'm sure the girls saw & heard things children shouldn't.

Do what heals you all 💐

Thanks Wilbelle, I think I'm nearly as afraid of being trapped in commuter hell in a blah job for a shit wage and having no time for myself ever. It's a form of slavery and I was a slave once before. I'd rather be poor-ish and free-ish. I know it's all relative and I know I'm lucky that I'm not right up against the wall financially

Un-fucking-believable. So you're not happy to do that but more than happy to allow someone else to do it to fund your lifestyle? This has got to be a windup?

If you can make a go of your business that's probably a good option as you need to be able to work on your own terms.

Congratulations on your book and your degree and absolutely ignore the judging both from yourself and others. I struggled for years as a lone parent doing jobs I hated and ultimately losing them every time I had an mh relapse. The only reason I can work at all now is because I found a disability positive employer who I can work part time and flexibly for but most jobs are not like that.

You will still have the benefit and knowledge of your studies and you may surprise yourself at how that adds value to what you do but at the moment it absolutely makes sense not to countenance using it directly if it would mean working ft. Would the part time job allow you flexibility at all? Might be worth contacting them anyway just to see.

Make sure you get DLA for your DD, claim carers allowance and push for a referral for your youngest. Option 3 is the best for your MH and your family right here and now. Any big changes may really unsettle your child with ASD.

You really don't need to justify yourself or have approval, nor do you need to push yourself into a breakdown or crisis. As bad as it is Universal Credit will recognise your caring responsibilities and it will be a long time before it is fully rolled out.

Good luck.

Then perhaps try growing your business (what is it, by the way?) and find part time employment. Or, to see how you manage, how about some voluntary work? That way you can see how you cope, what you enjoy and pick up some references and experience on the way?

Tbh, no matter where you live, I can't imagine there are masses of jobs directly related to a Social Science Degree, so you'd either need to be looking at further study anyway or, doing what others do, and recognising transferable skills and opening up your job search

Option 3.