To wonder why people tolerate adultery

[emilybrontescorset]

I'm just wondering why people make excuses for their oh cheating.
Why would you accept this level of betrayal,
Are people really happy once their partner had been caught cheating on them and if not why not leave?
I'm just curious really.
Im friends on fb with a woman whose dh cheated at least twice with a work colleague. She was heartbroken and her family do not speak to her dh after all the Iain he caused her. They advised her to throw him out and offered help and support to her.
She forgave him after she insisted he move jobs. Does that really solve the issue?
I see her regularly posting about how great he is blah blah and must of her posts involve pictures of the two of them, usually with her throwing her arms around him.
Great if she is truely happy but I can't help but think bats not the case.
My ex dh cheated on me and finally I am in a much happier place several years down the line being away from him.
I have a new dp whom I love very much and who is more like me than any other partner I have had.
I don't have any issues with what my ex did . I've moved on and feel much more like the real me than when I was in the awful situation of discovering his affair.
Just wondering why anyone would stay when in my opinion happiness is available around the corner without the burden clinging onto a cheater brings.

There's lots of factors. Financial dependence, for some. Low self-esteem - some think they cannot ever get a partner who doesn't cheat on them.

But yeah, like you, I don't really believe they are happy.

You've said "after all the iain he caused her"
I hope thats not an outing name in this situation OP, might want to edit otherwise and i can delete this.

That should be pain he caused her.

I took someone back once. It was a mistake of course but at the time I convinced myself that something - albeit a broken painful something - was better than nothing.

What a judgemental OP.

What goes on in others relationships is absolutely none of your business.

It is possible to forgive, move on and be happy.

HTH

There are tons of reasons and each situation is different

Could be

Self esteem

Dont want to throw away a long relationship for a mistake

Financial dependence

Dont want a drop in standard of living

They cant stand the though of being alone

They believe it was genuine fuck up and wont judge a partner who has been great for one bad thing

They genuinely believe it wont happen again

They dont want to split the family

They dont want others to know

Panic

They dont want to 'lose'

I cant find it in myself to judge people who forgive infidelity. I am 99% sure i would diych dh if he cheated but until you are in that siutation no one can say what tgey would do.

Even if you ditched a partner for cheating once, you nay not ditch another partner for cheating. Every relationship and situation is different.

Lots of reasons.
One partner interested in sex, one not. Totally happy otherwise.

Girlonatrain- everyone judges just
Look at threads on here criticising people for the slightest thing such as wearing leggings.
Of course it's her decision what she does I know that.
However posting statements and lovey dovey photos of your adulterous husband who has cheated more than once to your knowledge, just seems to smack of trying to convince yourself that all is great.
I hope he doesn't do it again, I was told she was inconsolable when she found out he had been continuing the affair and I felt nothing but sympathy for her.
Fwiw her family are well off and offered to provide financially for her if she dumped him.
She choose not to but her family cannot forgive him( their choice).
I've seen this before with people being overtly lovely dovey after their partner has committed adultery and usually the relationship breaks down.
Of course it doesn't directly affect me, although I've been asked for advice in the past and it's heartbreaking to witness.
I think what had got me thinking was that I bumped into some old friends who I knew through my ex h and the husband told me that his wife no longer speaks to my ex. I said that it's perfectly possible to be friends with both of use, water under the bridge and all that, but her husband d said not in his wife's eyes it isn't.

People can forgive.

Everyone is different.

Try judging a bit less.

So what. Maybe she is deluding herself l.

Maybe their marriage is loads better.

Why judge her? She has been through something traumatic. She has chosen her path. Let her get on with it.

She is choosing what she thinks is the right thing, at the moment. That may change.

I think that relationships also change over the course of a lifetime. Some things happen 25-35 years on which people don't understand who are still in the early years of a marriage.

It's similar to how the parents of young children don't really know how they will react to the problems they will face when their kids are 21, 18 and 14...

I also agree there is lots of reasons, splitting a family isn't an easy decision, it's not always as simple as you cheated and it's over.

However on saying that, I genuinely don't understand where the husband is forgiven. The marriage continues and the wife maintains an almost venemous hatred for the other woman and chooses to blame her whilst forgiving the husband. That I simply don't understand, for me the biggest sinner will always be the one you married.

I think it's tragic what so many people put up with, standards are very low in many relationships.

It's sex, it's not such a massive deal that its worth throwing a whole life together away for, while there are kids and a family life. That's just my personal view, for me. I've seen too many people move on, and just end up either cheating or being cheated on once again. If I didn't have the kids, I'd rather just live by myself and have half casual hookups. As it is, I just took a lover outside my main relationship. He makes me feel better about dh's adultery. Obviously this sounds a bit fucked up but it works for me. Things I would leave a relationship for are different, like alcoholism or violence. We all have different red lines.

I spent time in an industry where it seemed pretty much every man high enough up the ladder had someone on the side. From what I saw there was some weird understanding that sex with a n other person was a mechanical thing whereas their wives and families were their loving home - that the two were very different. The wives were kept "in the manner they were accustomed" and I'm sure some must've been than happy that someone else was dealing with their husbands' needs (!)

It isn't just a physical thing though is it.
Your partner chose to spend time with someone else.
Time they should have spent with their dc or wife or parents or whatever.
When they could have been with their child they put someone else first, sneaking around and enjoying themselves.
Spending family money on the ow or om.
That's what I couldnt forgive.
It's not just a physical act, unless you are paying a sex worker, it's far more than that.

Every single relationship is different, every adulterous situation is different and all people are different.

Unless you know the exact circumstances behind the situation (which you are unlikely to unless you are one of the parties) then of course you wouldn't be able to understand.

I suppose it depends on your sex life as well.

Why do you even care. She's happy. It may last. It may not. Who cares. I'd never get this twisted over someone else's relationship.

I put up with it for 5 years because I really loved my husband but the time came when his evident total lack of respect for me hit home and that was the the end of our marriage.
Adulterty erodes your self respect, your self esteem and eats away at the love between you until there is nothing left.
If my husband was a good husband and cared about me he would not have done this to us. There are only so many times you can forgive until something snaps unless you have agreed on an open marriage.
I deserve better.

In my case it was because I just could not believe it were true. He was the last person I ever thought would betray me and I convinced myself he was having a mental breakdown and the adultery was just a symptom of this. As it happened of course, our marriage failed anyway and he left me.
However I don't think I am happier now. The split has affected our children badly and I have lost at not only him but also his family, who had become my family as I have very little family of my own. That is a big problem with divorce after a long marriage. The split not trust only of the couple, but also the wider family. It was this as much as him that it didn't want to lose.

Perhaps it's easier to judge from the outside too, like my friends I mentioned have.
I was surprised that my friend( who I initially knew through my ex h) felt so strongly. It really doesn't bother me if my mutual friends speak and socialise with both of us, I'm in a much happier place now.
I did have friends telling me they would never speak to my ex again, that's their choice.
Like I said perhaps from inside the marriage it's easier to move on.

If my wife had a one night stand with someone else, I wouldn't be delighted, but there are far more hurtful things she could do. Would I risk an otherwise happy 10 year relationship off the back of a ill-judged one off bunk up? No.

Even a full blown affair I would be more upset by the lies and deceit than the actual idea of sex with someone else, but don't think it would necessarily be a deal breaker and if they were willing, I'd want to work on the marriage rather than storming out the door never to return.

For some people an affair is a red line, that would end a marriage, for others less so.

You can't judge anybody else's relationship. People have different priorities.

I've always said that I wouldn't let a drunken shag break the massive network of relationships that make up a family. And lust can be a very powerful if short term thing.

That's why a friend came to me when her DP cheated several years ago. They had been together since 18, he was going through job insecurity and was losing his looks in a way. Hence a fling. It was effectively a mid-life crisis and they went through counselling individually and as a couple.

Nearly 10 years on and they're stronger than they ever were and really appreciate each other, rather than just being habit.

Why throw someone you love out 'on principle' when they act totally out of character? If they have some sort of breakdown and it manifests itself in sex rather than blowing the family fortune on a sports car.