The problem with this kind of black and white thinking is that it only takes account of one opinion, which is that people cheat purely because they want a quick shag and there is no consideration for the partner or children in this thinking. When actually very few relationships are that black and white, and while there are rarely reasons to cheat there are almost always factors which lead to someone ending up having an affair.
The other problem is that on MN especially people unanimously accept that the cheated on person is a victim, doesn't matter if there were issues in the relationship which may have led to a partner meeting someone else, the instant that partner cheats anything which happened beforehand is forgotten and the cheat might as well have murdered a newborn baby given the reactions on here.
My ex husband used to have me followed, put bugs in the house to record my every movement, took pictures of me naked when I was asleep which I never knew about until we split, told me in the early stages that as I liked vigorous sex I would probably like to be raped one day. He prevented me from making friends, put obstacles in the way of me going back to work after having children, made sure I was isolated as far as possible. If I'd posted about my marriage on here at the time I would have been told to ltb and been encouraged to call Women's aid.
But because I ended up meeting someone and cheating once everything that my ex did has become irrelevant. Even though meeting someone else gave me the strength to leave my abusive marriage I am still the one who was in the wrong. I have been called a cunt, a slag, been told that all the talk of an abusive marriage was just excuses to go out and find a quick shag.
There is no justification for having had an affair. It is without doubt the most regrettable thing I have ever done in my life and I can absolutely say that I would never do it again. But I refuse to be branded a slag and a cunt because my marriage had become unbearable to the point that I had a sudden realisation that life isn't supposed to be like this at a point where someone gave me positive attention.
Many women come on here after discovering that their partners and husbands have cheated. And for many this will have been a shock discovery and they will quite rightly kick their partners to the curb. But for many who come on here for support after the discovery there will have been issues in the marriage which they will have contributed to which, while not a justification for an affair will have been symptomatic of the reasons why an affair has happened.
In some cases it will be possible to look at those issues and to rebuild the relationship off the back of those. Inevitably though for some there will be no way back, and in some cases such as my own, the realisation will be that the marriage is over and that there is better out there.
Ironically my H would have taken me back. He even listened to the issues which were prevalent before I had the affair, and he went to counselling in order to become a better person. However for me the marriage was over. The affair certainly didn't yield a new relationship as I didn't leave for the OM and have in fact not spoken to him since. But it did make me realise that I would be better off on my own than with a man who had so little respect for me that he would violate me even in my sleep.
And when I decided I wasn't going back he ceased his counselling because in his words "well any new relationship would be with someone else."