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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder why people tolerate adultery

83 replies

emilybrontescorset · 16/07/2017 09:19

I'm just wondering why people make excuses for their oh cheating.
Why would you accept this level of betrayal,
Are people really happy once their partner had been caught cheating on them and if not why not leave?
I'm just curious really.
Im friends on fb with a woman whose dh cheated at least twice with a work colleague. She was heartbroken and her family do not speak to her dh after all the Iain he caused her. They advised her to throw him out and offered help and support to her.
She forgave him after she insisted he move jobs. Does that really solve the issue?
I see her regularly posting about how great he is blah blah and must of her posts involve pictures of the two of them, usually with her throwing her arms around him.
Great if she is truely happy but I can't help but think bats not the case.
My ex dh cheated on me and finally I am in a much happier place several years down the line being away from him.
I have a new dp whom I love very much and who is more like me than any other partner I have had.
I don't have any issues with what my ex did . I've moved on and feel much more like the real me than when I was in the awful situation of discovering his affair.
Just wondering why anyone would stay when in my opinion happiness is available around the corner without the burden clinging onto a cheater brings.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 16/07/2017 10:52

I think part of the problem is that it used to be normal for couples to be faithful to each other and now it's normal to be unfaithful. This is fine,if that suits you but then you get people like me (there's no way on earth I'd have sex with someone who was sleeping with somebody else) in the minority so who do I partner with?

LadyB49 · 16/07/2017 10:56

I felt OP was using the situation of her friend just as an example for a general discussion on the subject, not to discuss that particular situation in depth.

ie What would you do if ??

CoughLaughFart · 16/07/2017 10:58

It's the family who need to take a long hard look at themselves here. It must have been hard enough for your friend to forgive adultery, without the very people who should be supporting her reminding her of it every day by refusing to speak to her husband.

If he fucks up again, she will need someone to turn to. It would be hard enough without feeling like the very people who she should be able to rely on most will probably turn around and say 'I told you so'.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/07/2017 11:00

I was recently in a situation where a stranger (who turned out to be a lying troll), told me my husband was having an affair. As I started investigating it, I realised I actUally didn't want to know if he was, because then my (and my dcs) lovely life would have to change.
Until i was in this situation, I never thought I'd turn a blind eye to it, but it's made me realise that I might.

MimsyFluff · 16/07/2017 11:01

If my DH cheated on me it would be over, yes I love him I'd probably want to forgive him but I have DC who I wouldn't want to think that cheating was in anyway normal and set a good example for them. Plus it feel really dirty to even think of him having sex with someone else, the disrespect that he could risk catching something and bring it home to me and DC!

Scholes34 · 16/07/2017 11:03

You certainly can't judge someone else's relationship. Having said that, though I do find myself somewhat Hmm when people are very public about their lovey doveyness on Facebook and the like. I do wonder what they are trying to prove to whom, but I choose to keep those kind of opinions to myself.

Changesorter · 16/07/2017 11:05

Infedelity can be got over. I'm with my beloved husband for 20 years. 5 years in he strayed one time. It exposed issues we both had that needed working on. It was a horrible time but each day we CHOSE each other and made it work. We are so far from it now it barely registers. And i trust him absolutely

Groupie123 · 16/07/2017 11:30

Ultimately it all comes down to self-esteem. Some women are strong enough to trust their feelings and leave, others aren't. I don't understand how anyone could stay with a cheater and ever expect to trust them - I view cheating as a basic lack of respect.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/07/2017 11:33

Not for everyone groupie. Some stay because sex isn't a priority for them, nothing to do with self esteem.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 16/07/2017 11:37

Some people don't see it as an issue.

I find MN has some very juxt opposed opinions on sex - on the one hand "its only sex" and then there are those who would merrily dissolve a relationship and uproot children over a bit of drunken banter using the "emotional affair" excuse.

Deceit would annoy me more than the sex. But I'm very pragmatic about such things. IMHO clandestine relationships should be conducted discretely, like they do on the continent.

buggerthebotox · 16/07/2017 11:47

This has happened to me. My partner of 30 years was caught in a relationship with another woman. It was a relationship, not a fling.

groupie it has taken every bit of strength and courage I had to remain in the relationship knowing this; I could have left but actively chose not to. The main reason was that I didn't want dd' s life to be turned upside down by a man she has always adored.
The other reason was that I knew he was indifferent- or seemed indifferent- to whether I stayed or went so I stayed out of stubbornness.

I'm not sure I'll ever forgive him and I'll certainly never forget.

These situations are too complex to call.

youaredeluded · 16/07/2017 11:47

People who take back cheaters generally have low self esteem. Some I guess do it 'for the kids' or because they like the lifestyle their DH provides. Most do it because they are scared they won't find another man, and would rather be with one that fucks around then be on their own. Sad isn't it?

buggerthebotox · 16/07/2017 11:48

deluded sorry but that's bollox. It's rarely that simple.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 16/07/2017 11:49

Most do it because they are scared they won't find another man, and would rather be with one that fucks around then be on their own

Massive gender stereotyping there of women .... and of course women never cheat do they?

sevensisters7242 · 16/07/2017 11:51

I have zero respect for women who take their partners back after cheating. I find them pathetic that they would put up with that.

Winterview · 16/07/2017 11:57

I wouldn't end my marriage over it. I don't think monogamy is particularly natural or realistic. We're programmed to desire more than one sexual partner over a lifetime.

Marriage to me is more than sex. We married out of love but also to raise a family together, to give our children the upbringing we want for them. I wouldn't throw that away for a one night stand (which could be a meaningless few hours of pure physical indulgence).

prioritymail · 16/07/2017 11:58

I think part of the problem is that it used to be normal for couples to be faithful to each other and now it's normal to be unfaithful
OMG, is it really? I've never planned on cheating and would be devastated if my OH did!

lollipopclock · 16/07/2017 12:01

I think it's a matter of priorities. I couldn't put up with adultery and it has always been a dealbreaker for me. But that has led to a very difficult path of being a single mum, relying on council housing and benefits, which some people would find more intolerable than an unfaithful relationship. I have colleagues who have taken back cheaters but at least they continue to have a decent standard of living and they aren't on their own when it comes to dealing with the dc. For me I prefer to be on my own than with a cheater/abuser but it's really hard to raise children alone so I don't blame others for not wanting to do it.

Sofabitch · 16/07/2017 12:04

I know people that have stayed with serial cheaters. Not just one off flings but repeated multiple affairs.

I guess they decided that what they get from the relationship is more than they would loose.

I personally find it all very sad. But I can understand

Whitecup · 16/07/2017 12:09

Tolerance is subjective and should always allowed to be. You can choose to think less of someone because they choose to stay with a cheating partner but you can't say they HAVE to leave. You don't know every issue in someone else's marriage. You can either support the decision the person has made to stay knowing you go home and close your own door at night or choose to walk away from that person because you feel they are weak willed/ advocating something you don't agree with. Neither should anyone who has chosen to repair a broken marriage not be able to publicly show their love for their partner because it doesn't sit comfortably with you- just ignore it and be happy they are happy. Some people leave and some people stay, it's not a moral obligation that every cheated party leave their spouse and unless its your OH that should the third party then really you shouldn't worry about their choice- they'll soon see for themselves if they've made the right decision.

Original poster
emilybrontescorset · 16/07/2017 13:55

Some very good points.
I'm always surprised by the number of posters outraged over a partner visiting a sex show or similar.
Lots of posters say they would leave if their oh so much as glanced at porn etc but then state they are perfectly happy for their oh to have multiple affairs and be in love with another man/ woman.
Maybe it's age and the stage I've reached but i think good sex is important.
I don't want it with anyone else other than my dp.
I suppose being willing to not have a significant other accounts for a lot.
I was happy to be single before I met dp.
I still had lots of great sex though.
People don't have to be in a committed relationship for that.
I do get that some people are prepared to sacrifice certain things In order to get other things. E.g. Forsake being the top priority so long as you keep the nice house and car and lifestyle which a marriage can bring,
My ex mil made huge sacrifices to stay married.
Unfortunately her dcs think she made the wrong choice as their childhood was absolutely dreadful and they are estranged now.
I think a lot of people just settle rather than only committing with someone who is completely right for them.
I know that's easier said than done though and I'm quite happy with my life now but I do understand the dilemmas people face.

OP posts:
Original poster
emilybrontescorset · 16/07/2017 13:57

I also had to speak to my mum when she was ranting about my ex.
Yes he had done a bad thing, yes it caused a lot of pain but if I can let it go then I asked her to do the same.

OP posts:
FoodGloriousFud · 16/07/2017 14:05

I'm with you OP. You wouldn't cheat on someone you truly love and I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't love me and was the kind of person who had those kind of 'morales'.

ReinettePompadour · 16/07/2017 14:07

Adultery has always been prevalent throughout history. Its probably more common than a 100% monogamous relationship. Having researched my family tree there isn't a single generation without an illegitimate child or bigamous marriage in it. I dare say pretty much everyones family tree is most likely the same.

Its really nothing to do with you though how your friend lives her life.

NorthumbrianGirl · 16/07/2017 14:17

I think that different relationships have different boundaries.

I've always thought I would probably cope if dp cheated on me (he hasn't to my knowledge so this is untested), it wouldn't be worth throwing away what we have over. But there are lots of things I would end a relationship over that are probably not a big deal to others (like smacking or voting tory).

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