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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not unpack his suitcase?

124 replies

BroomHandledMouser · 15/07/2017 14:01

We went away in June for four nights abroad. DH has yet to unpack his suitcase Confused

I've just returned from a friends house, and whilst I was talking about when to redecorate the room I mentioned that DH (the lazy bastard) hadn't managed to fully unpack his suitcase.

She was horrified and asked why I hadn't done it for him. I said that DH is a big boy and can do it himself.

She then remarked that he works all day I laughed and said we don't live in the 20's anymore. He works most weekends and sometimes late evenings, so I said he could do it when he had 5 minutes.

I work for DH but at home sorting invoices/payroll/etc. Now I'm looking st this case thinking shall I?

AIBU to leave it to him to sort? Am I satans sporn for not helping him out a little?

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 15/07/2017 15:30

Does it never occur to some of you that marriage & relationships involve give and take?

Mostly it seems to involve trivialising 'wife' work which operates in elastic time and can be endlessly extended to include every minor task the WOHPartner doesn't want to do.

I am amazed at the number of posted here who accept the idea that the OP only works 25-30 hours a week of 'real' work and that unpaid work doesn't count.

Naicehamshop · 15/07/2017 15:32

Yes Nike - marriage is about give and take, but it's not about treating a grown man like a child. I'm sure the op does do a lot for her dh; she probably cooks, does laundry, shops... but she doesn't have to run around after him and baby him. I think we all know that it's not that he doesn't have time, he just can't be arsed.

ConstanceCraving · 15/07/2017 15:34

He's not asked her to unpack has he? The OP posted because her friend was appalled she hadn't done it for him.

teaandtoast · 15/07/2017 15:38

I wouldn't unpack it. He's not a child.
I would be washing and drying the contents when they (finally) appeared. That's enough.

BareGrylls · 15/07/2017 15:39

This is MN. No-one on MN ever does anything kind, caring or helpful for their partner or a child old enough to do it themselves. It would make you a submissive unfeminist drudge.

Naicehamshop · 15/07/2017 15:42

That's a ridiculous remark, Bare. I'm sure the op does a huge amount for her dh but that doesn't have to include babying him.

FFS.

Iikkiilloo · 15/07/2017 15:44

C8H10N4O2
Seriously? Running a home and family (with or without kids), doing all the 'wife' work isn't a 'proper' job?

Hmm I knew someone would say that. If you read my post I did qualify this statement - I know in some circumstances that running a home along with part time work is as much work as a paid job. I have worked and I've been a SAHM with four DC under 5 and there were plenty of times I found being a SAHM harder than when I worked. However from the OPs post it sounds like the DH works extremely hard and that GENERALLY speaking that being the SAH parent is less work than a 'proper' job.

ConstanceCraving · 15/07/2017 15:46

Unpacking his suitcase is not babying him.

Naicehamshop · 15/07/2017 15:50

Unpacking a suitcase is not babying him.

Of course it is.

MrsChopper · 15/07/2017 15:51

So you call him lazy despite the fact he works, often late and weekends. Sorry, but the amount of time it must have took you to start this thread, read and reply to messages, you could have had it emptied and put the clothes in the washer! Hmm

BouncyHedgehog · 15/07/2017 15:52

If he'd asked nicely in a 'could you do me a favour' kind of way it would be one thing. But the fact he's just left it seems to be assuming that OP will just do it for him. It doesn't matter how much either of them work- this isn't stuff around the house that needs doing, it's HIS suitcase, HIS stuff. If he wants it done, he should do it himself or ask.

ConstanceCraving · 15/07/2017 15:53

No it isn't. It's being part of a team. If I worked every day, most weekends and some evenings my H would unpack for me. It's give and take.

RebornSlippy · 15/07/2017 15:56

The irony is in the time it took to talk about this with her friend, to post here and to read and reply, the case would have been unpacked 10 times. So, as the OP has already admitted herself, it's not a time issue.

So what is it? Is it a principle she holds as in 'his case, his problem'? Or is it a point she's making 'I do enough around here already, he can do it himself'. Or is it a lack of kindness 'fuck him, I can't be arsed doing him a favour'.

Some of you are digging way too deep here, turning it into a feminist issue or a Work out of home vs Stay at home argument.

It's none of the above in my opinion, it's very simple. OP has a lot more time on her hands. The stupid case has been lying for WEEKS. He's working around the clock. She isn't. She has time. He doesn't. She should empty the bloody case and get on with her life!

And I'm laughing to myself here at the value put on working in the home. Yet this task is deemed below all others for some reason! Is there a pecking order in household chores? You can't have it every way.

Why does everything have to become such a major thing around here FGS?

Iikkiilloo · 15/07/2017 16:00

And I'm laughing to myself here at the value put on working in the home. Yet this task is deemed below all others for some reason! Is there a pecking order in household chores? You can't have it every way

Well said.

MrsChopper · 15/07/2017 16:01

To be honest I'd hate to be in a relationship where something so trivial becomes such a big thing! Agree with Constance, you're meant to be a team.

ConstanceCraving · 15/07/2017 16:03

If he'd asked nicely in a 'could you do me a favour' kind of way it would be one thing. But the fact he's just left it seems to be assuming that OP will just do it for him.

No it does not. It sounds like he can't be arsed unpacking and will do it when he gets a spare 5 minutes.

DoubleCarrick · 15/07/2017 16:06

@RebornSlippy I'm not selfish in the slightest, neither is DH. DH wouldn't unpack my suitcase either. However, he would make me a cup of tea and put dinner on while I unpack the suitcase if the situation were reversed.

I'm amazed by the responses on here to be honest. Half the threads people complain about "wifework", the other half berates women for not helping out.

RebornSlippy · 15/07/2017 16:10

The clue is in what you wrote DoubleCarrick. I see it as 'helping out'. Not wife work, not babying, not anything but just that. Doing the guy a favour when he's working long hours. A favour to you or me might be a cuppa as, like you, I'd prefer to sort my own case, but to this man, a favour might be just simple as emptying the poxy case. It doesn't need a title, it's literally emptying a case.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 15/07/2017 16:12

He works so much, of course I'd unpack it for him. I think it's really mean of you to not.

C8H10N4O2 · 15/07/2017 16:12

However from the OPs post it sounds like the DH works extremely hard and that GENERALLY speaking that being the SAH parent is less work than a 'proper' job.

But the OP is not a SAHM - she does all the 'household shite' and also works 25-30 hours a week.

IME when women talk about doing all the 'household shite' they have reached a threshold over lack of shared tasks/appreciation.

Unpacking a suitcase may be a 5 minute task in which case why on earth would the DH not do it? Unless he just assumes the OP will clear up after him do every tiny thing around the house that he doesn't fancy.

I wonder how many bookshelves have been put up in the OP house?

ConstanceCraving · 15/07/2017 16:15

Why do you see unpacking as demeaning Double? Surely it's just helping each other out as is making a cup of tea or putting dinner on?

Why all the fuss about the case?

MargotLovedTom1 · 15/07/2017 16:18

It's not about the big man doing the important man's work AT ALL.

If the OP was a man with a female partner who worked seven days a week, sometimes 70 hours a week to his 25 hours working from home doing her admin, and he posted that she was a lazy cow because she hadn't unpacked a suitcase, then I'd same to him: I'd unpack the suitcase.

Notreallyarsed · 15/07/2017 16:18

I'd do it for DP but then he does a lot for me (as well as the general stuff we both do). Mind you if he dumped it and expected me to do it I wouldn't Grin

Notreallyarsed · 15/07/2017 16:19

Not that he would!

Iikkiilloo · 15/07/2017 16:21

C8H10N4O2

But the OP is not a SAHM - she does all the 'household shite' and also works 25-30 hours a week.

I did mention the fact she does part time work in my post Confused. We haven't got all the info but if the DH is working evenings and most weekends then I wonder how his working hours compare with the OPs.

I'm not sure why you are so disparaging of household chores. I don't find it demeaning to do housework but it sounds like you do 🤷🏻‍♀️ For all we know the OPs DH could consider his job pointless 'shite' that he forces himself to do to earn money for his family.

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