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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not unpack his suitcase?

124 replies

BroomHandledMouser · 15/07/2017 14:01

We went away in June for four nights abroad. DH has yet to unpack his suitcase Confused

I've just returned from a friends house, and whilst I was talking about when to redecorate the room I mentioned that DH (the lazy bastard) hadn't managed to fully unpack his suitcase.

She was horrified and asked why I hadn't done it for him. I said that DH is a big boy and can do it himself.

She then remarked that he works all day I laughed and said we don't live in the 20's anymore. He works most weekends and sometimes late evenings, so I said he could do it when he had 5 minutes.

I work for DH but at home sorting invoices/payroll/etc. Now I'm looking st this case thinking shall I?

AIBU to leave it to him to sort? Am I satans sporn for not helping him out a little?

OP posts:
Longdistance · 15/07/2017 14:48

Hell would freeze over before I'd unpack my Dhs case. He's big enough and ugly enough to do it himself.

Yanbu.

Iikkiilloo · 15/07/2017 14:49

I'd unpack it for him happily 🤷🏻‍♀️ It sounds like he works really long hours. It's not about being his mother it's about the both of you working as a team.

Having said that, if I were him, I wouldn't dream of not unpacking it myself. 🤔

ZippyCameBack · 15/07/2017 14:51

We usually unpack together when we get home and fling all the dirty clothes in the wash. Things other than clothes can be left in cases for months, until someone needs them.
I don't think there is any job which is so consuming that it means a person can't be expected to put their own stuff away after a holiday. I'm also a bit surprised at how many people seem to think that OP should be more grateful to her (much more important) husband. There seems to be an assumption that only paid work matters and she otherwise does nothing of value.

Thumbcat · 15/07/2017 14:57

YANBU. There's a bag in the corner of my living room that has toys in it belonging to my 9 year old DS from a holiday in May. I might move it to his room eventually but I'm not unpacking it for him.

tangledup123 · 15/07/2017 14:58

I think your attitude is a bit shit. He's working extremely long hours, which fund your lifestyle and your holidays, and you resent taking 5 minutes out of your day to stick his dirty washing in the machine. I thought marriage was supposed to be a partnership?

JemmyBloocher · 15/07/2017 15:01

He's not a child. He can unpack a suitcase. Nevertheless it's not your problem if he doesn't, you're also not his mother.

peachgreen · 15/07/2017 15:01

I'd do it, given you work substantially less hours than DH - but then my DH would do the same for me if the situation were reversed. I wouldn't have done it for my ex because he would never have done anything like that for me! I think that's what makes the difference.

LIZS · 15/07/2017 15:01

I thought same VeganVera! I did unpack our holiday bags, mainly to extract washing, by which time there was little else left apart from shoes, medicines and books. I don't when dh goes away for work though.

GirlcalledJames · 15/07/2017 15:01

If OP does all the housework and childcare, she too is working seven days a week plus evenings, probably with the occasional night shift too. She probably works from home to enable her to do more around the house rather than to have an easy life.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 15/07/2017 15:04

I'd do it for my dh, who works longer hours than I do, drops dc3 off in the mornings, makes the dc's packed lunches every morning, brings me a coffee in bed most mornings, does probably 30-40% of the cooking, 90% of the food shopping (I hate it), deals with cat litter trays most days and shares the cleaning. So although I buy all his clothes (I know) and do most of the thinking/organising/knowing what is happening when/medical appts/pretty much all finances and budgeting/all present-buying and social stuff, he goes above and beyond in so many other areas.

I wouldn't do it for a dh who I felt didn't respect what I did or took it for granted. Some neglect of stuff like that in a busy work phase I would overlook/forgive, but I would not do it if I felt the assumption was that that was what I was for.

Iikkiilloo · 15/07/2017 15:06

If OP does all the housework and childcare, she too is working seven days a week plus evenings, probably with the occasional night shift too

I get this but generally that's a lot less work than a 'proper' job. lotscof exceptions though that would make the work more even - health issues, SEN, multiples, caring for aging parents etc etc

firawla · 15/07/2017 15:08

Op my dh has a half unpacked suitcase up in our room too, it's been there about 3 weeks. He also works quite long hours but not weekends, and has had time to do it really but not got round to it. I'm not doing it, I have enough kids to run around after. Hoping he will get it shifted today. I've packed and unpacked for him in the past, but these days I find myself busy with all the kids, so I ask him to do one or two things and then come along to find him watching sky sports instead or something! It wouldn't do them any harm to do a few things for themselves

ConstanceCraving · 15/07/2017 15:10

The OP hasn't mentioned any dc.

dataandspot · 15/07/2017 15:12

If the op will wash and dry and iron the clothes why should she unpack it?

He's not infirm or a baby!!!

Fl0ellafunbags · 15/07/2017 15:14

DH has an unpacked suitcase in his wardrobe. It's been there since September 2015 when we moved house. I'm not sure he realises that there's anything in it.

JungleInTheRumble · 15/07/2017 15:15

I unpack my partners case if he doesn't get round to it and I'm putting a load of laundry on or tidying or whatever.

It's give and take though. If he was lazy and uncaring I'd probably feel less inclined to unpack his case. As it is, he does a lot for me so I do a lot for him. It makes us both happy.

Moussemoose · 15/07/2017 15:15

OP I hope you wipe his arse for him. If the poor baby is doing proper work outside the home and you are only working 30 hours a week plus all the housework.

He is far too busy doing man stuff. Ladies know your place. Unpack.

ConstanceCraving · 15/07/2017 15:16

Doesn't sound like he's arsed either way tbh.

ConstanceCraving · 15/07/2017 15:18

Man stuff? What bollocks. Paying the mortgage and everything else do you mean?

C8H10N4O2 · 15/07/2017 15:18

The OP isn't just working 25-30 hours a week - that is just the commercial work. She also does all the household stuff 7 days a week or doesn't that count as 'work'?

I get this but generally that's a lot less work than a 'proper' job

Seriously? Running a home and family (with or without kids), doing all the 'wife' work isn't a 'proper' job?

elevenclips · 15/07/2017 15:19

I think that's grim, it must be festering. Has he forgotten or does he not realise that dirty sweaty clothes will wreck the inside of the suitcase. Rank.

I'd unpack it right away because it's disgusting. He might be a lazy sod but why would you sit by and allow a suitcase to get manky when it'll probably have to be replaced out of family money?

Moussemoose · 15/07/2017 15:21

I'm sorry have I stepped into the 1950s?

ConstanceCraving · 15/07/2017 15:21

Nah. Being at home isn't the same as working full time, most weekends and some evenings. Not in any way, shape or form.

I should know.

Naicehamshop · 15/07/2017 15:22

Every single time I come on these boards I read posts from women who complain that their dhs are lazy around the house, don't take on the mental load, don't step up and look after their own children... giant man-babies in fact. Then I read posts like this, where women are told that they should be unpacking their dh's suitcases for him, and that they are unfair and even a bit slutty for leaving all the dirty clothes in there for so long... Confused

Do you not see the correlation?? Treat him like a child and he will behave like a child. There is nothing wrong with helping each other out, the problems arise when one partner does all the low level grunt work because the other person can't be bothered or thinks that that work is beneath them.

It will take him 5 minutes to do it. Leave him to it.

Nikephorus · 15/07/2017 15:22

Just leave it there for him to unpack; he will get the message. You aren't his servant.
I guess when it comes to paying for the holidays DH won't need to bother contributing towards OP's then? He'll be chuffed - he can cut back all the hours he works. I'm sure he won't mind doing half the jobs round the house then because he'll have loads of time on his hands. It'll be a shame for OP of course - she'll have to go out and get another job to pay for her part of the holidays, and she'll not get the time at home anymore. But hey, at least he'll be unpacking his own suitcase Hmm
I do wonder about some posters on here. Does it never occur to some of you that marriage & relationships involve give and take? One person does some things while the other does other stuff? If one goes out and works 7 days a week while the other stays at home & only works part-time there, then that person takes up the slack at home so the equivalent workloads are about equal?