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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DH should get a job instead?

124 replies

EvilGreedyWife · 14/07/2017 14:34

DH set up his own company beginning of the year. I was just asking about how much he has made in first 6 months (has been busy, enough work to do, I can't say he's been just sitting there doing nothing), and it means he could pay himself just about 1/6th of his previous salary per month. This is less than minimum wage in this country and would barely make a dent in our outgoings.

I earn a decent salary but we also have high mortgage and other expenses, and it's getting quite tight - in fact Dhs main topic of conversation has been money recently and how we spend too much and have too little.

My opinion is that this is clearly not sustainable. He should forget about the company and concentrate on finding a job, he could easily earn 8-9 times that. Trouble is currently there are no opportunities in our area - he would need to commute for about 1-1.5h one way (or stay over and commute weekly).

So my opinion: he just needs to suck it up and do it until something comes up closer to home. Especially as he does not see his company income drastically improving, ever.
His opinion - I'm U expecting him to do this, he would have no life, no hobbies, never see the kids. I'm especially U as my own job is a comfortable 10 min commute away.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Kursk · 14/07/2017 14:44

I think that it takes at least a year to 18 months for the company to become fully operational. I would say it's too early to call the business a failure.

Earnings will increase over time. I would cut back the family finances and mark on the calendar a discussion in 6 months time for a business financial update.

PrimalLass · 14/07/2017 14:46

Could you move closer to where he would have a job?

SonicBoomBoom · 14/07/2017 14:46

He could get a job part-time as a compromise.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/07/2017 14:48

YANBU

He's the one moaning about lack of money. How is proposing to improve the situation?

When he started the business did you agree to review it after a certain period?

He can't have it both ways, bitching about it but not considering any changes.

fourquenelles · 14/07/2017 14:50

How hard is he actually working to get the business up and running and, one hopes, growing?

Has he a business plan that he has run passt a financial adviser or bank?
Is he networking? Going to breakfast meetings? Checking what his competitors are doing? Or is this a "hobby" business?

Reason I ask is that I am a little concerned that he would have no life, no hobbies, never see the kids if he had to commute. Six months into a new business he shouldn't have hobbies or much of a life or, to be honest from my experience, see much of the kids.

MommaGee · 14/07/2017 14:51

Why can't get get a different job earning above minimum wage that would enable him to live at hike with his family?

Could he get something part time so he can continue to grow the business.

Yabu to expect him to give up on family life for money. Hibu for not contributing sufficient financially for the family to be afloat

makeourfuture · 14/07/2017 14:53

If the spouse isn't completely on board, it will never work.

astoundedgoat · 14/07/2017 14:55

If he is putting in heaps of work in a start-up that will get seed funding of 500k in 4 - 6 months and give him an exit of 5m in 5 years, then crack on!

If he is putting in heaps of work in a lifestyle business that will allow him to hire an assistant in the next 4 - 6 months to do the grunt work and allow him to focus on growth and have a good salary while he's at it, then (cautiously) crack on!

If his company income is not likely to improve, then it is a waste of time. It's only a "company" if it is making enough for him to employ somebody to do the day to day work. If he is doing everything himself, then he is a sole trader, and basically just has a job. If that job pays less than minimum wage for the hours he puts in, then he just has a shit job, and needs to buck up and start contributing properly to the household again.

Do you work in your immediate area or do you commute too? If commuting, would he have to commute to the same place and would it not be better for your standard of living for you both to live there? I've just moved to London from a (lovely) town from which many people commute for 60 - 90 mins to work in London, and on the whole I would far prefer to pay more to live in London and all the opportunities it offers AND have my whole life within walking distance, than commute. There are bugger all opportunities for me in the town we just left (unless I had a bump on the head and fancied halving my salary).

If you're lucky enough to have an excellent job in the city you live in, then I can see how he might feel a bit stuck. Uninspiring job with low pay in home town, or great job/great pay but 2 - 3 hours a day commuting.

What does he do? Can it be done remotely?

Original poster

EvilGreedyWife · 14/07/2017 14:57

Kursk that's the thing, I don't really see it happening. It's a certain type of service, he charges by hour and he says he's busy and has plenty of work. His business plan foresees that in ideal cinrcumstances he would earn about 1/2 of his previous salary (1/3 of what he could earn as employee). He himself admits that he does not see the income increasing significantly.

Primal wouldn't make too much sense, as I would have to commute then instead. And living somewhere in between would mean that both of us are far from very young kids. To complicate matters further, it would mean moving to a different country with much higher house prices.

Sonic part time jobs in his area are not common - and he would have no time for the business then, so would need to shut it down anyway. Which he does not want to do.

Anne that's exactly that. Yesterday I snapped when he was moaning about some bills and taxes and how we will manage. I asked what his solution was, he was hurt.

OP posts:

InvisableLobstee · 14/07/2017 15:00

I don't think he should have to do something he hates with the long commute. Can't he improve his business plan? Why can't his company make any money?

user1476869312 · 14/07/2017 15:01

It depends a lot on what his business is (You don't have to give exact details) and why there is so little money coming in. There are some areas of work where clients take a long time to pay, for instance.

Also, him having said that he 'doesn't see it improving' - coukd this be hi feeing miserable (given the current economic and political climate he may have a point) - or did he not discuss that aspect with you before he set it up?

Could he get a part-time local job, such as bar work or shelf-stacking or something, that would bring in a few extra pennies but would allow him time to get on with his hobbybusiness as well?

Kursk · 14/07/2017 15:02

When you first discussed the business idea did you not set a target of income of x by y date?

LemonBreeland · 14/07/2017 15:04

He needs to either go back to his old industry and suck up the commute, or change jobs to get something more local. Especially as he admits he won't ever earn a decent wage from it.

My DH ran his own business for 8 years, he worked 6 days a week and I earned more in a clerical job doing 16 hours a week. We were broke and it was shit, but it was what he wanted to do. My friends think I'm a saint for putting up with it as long as I did.

Original poster

EvilGreedyWife · 14/07/2017 15:07

astounded that would be a no to all of your questions. That's the thing - he basically wants to do the same work he's always done as an employee, just as self-employed and his own boss. He has some clients through his prior companies that he's working with, but he has no plans to grow, get investments, hire employees etc.

I work 10 min from home - would not make sense to move.

OP posts:

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 14/07/2017 15:12

For me it depends on whether you can manage financially on what you have now.

If you can, even if it means a cutback or two, then I do think he should give the business a little longer to be profitable (in a living wage sort of way!)

If you can't manage & are basically getting into debt for his business then, no, YANBU. Lots of people would love the quality of life that can come with being self-employed (presumably if you earn enough to hire someone else), but you can only go down that road if you can afford the first 12 to 18 months of potentially earning peanuts.

Original poster

EvilGreedyWife · 14/07/2017 15:14

Honestly in my opinion the business idea is crap. He does certain kind of engineering, but as a single person, he can of course only accept relatively small packages to work on. He's not miserable or depressed. I think his opinion is that it's all going great - plenty to do, clients all happy etc. I just don't seem to get through to him that this is not really enough.

OP posts:

Syc4moreTrees · 14/07/2017 15:18

Can't you work out some cost saving measures? You really don't sound all that supportive. As others have said, businesses take time.

user1486915549 · 14/07/2017 15:21

If he has plenty of work but hardly any money coming in then he hasn't worked out his costs properly and is charging too little.
Does he actually have a company or is he a sole trader ?
A common failing when going self employed in a previous field is not charging enough to make it worthwhile.

HipsterHunter · 14/07/2017 15:22

So he is earning 1/8th of is previous salary with no plan on how to increase that when you have young children and high mortgage costs?

Yeah he is a dreamer! The time to jack in your job is not when you have a young family.

What was the plan before he did this business? How was the earning gap going to be bridged? Is this his plan for ever? What about saving for his retirement etc?

You need to have a conversation when you are both calm.

Having this business rather than a job means we are [x] worse off a month.
How can you increase the earning potential of the business?
Can the earning gap be bridged?
What does this mean for the family? He is happier but at what cost financially and also emotionally for you with basically only one earner.
Possible to agree to put the business on hold for a few years whilst the children are young?
Accept he doesn't want to commute or stay over. Look for a solution.
etc

Original poster

EvilGreedyWife · 14/07/2017 15:24

yes there are probably places where we could save. If it was the question of some tougher times before the business takes off, I would be supportive. But that's the thing - there's no plan for the business to take off. That's the plan - he will go to the office, do his calculations, earn a little money. While he has potential to make several times as much, as an employee.

OP posts:

SonicBoomBoom · 14/07/2017 15:25

I see, so he thinks he should be able to have a pleasant hobby job while you shoulder the stress and financial burden of keeping everyone housed, fed and clothed.

How much does he do with regards to childcare and housework, out of interest?

Original poster

EvilGreedyWife · 14/07/2017 15:28

thanks Hipster this is very useful. Yes I need to get a list of questions on paper, either for him to convince me he has a plan or me to convince him it's not working

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/07/2017 15:29

He was hurt when you asked him what his solution was because he didnt want you to point out the obvious....that he isnt earning enough. In his head all is rosy, you can just about manage financially and he gets to play at being boss. When you point out the reality then his carefully constructed house of cards starts to fall apart.

He is the one who changed your situation so he needs to be the one to bridge the earnings gap. It is not a situation of your making so not one for you to solve and he needs to have that pointed out.

WankYouForTheMusic · 14/07/2017 15:30

Hmm, difficult one.

I think you are BU to say he should get a job, but he is BU to assume it's fine to earn fuck all because he likes a pottering job. The current situation would be acceptable if he were in the process of building the business up to something more lucrative, because that can take time. But if he's just not doing that because he doesn't feel like it, then he doesn't get to offload all the responsibility for making that work financially onto you.

I would also be interested to hear how household stuff is split. If, as part of this low stress self-employed gig he has, he's around more, has more energy to do family and home work... that might put a different slant on things. Is he?

Original poster

EvilGreedyWife · 14/07/2017 15:30

Sonic as housework is concerned, he is really hands on and does about half. He's otherwise a lovely husband and father.

OP posts:

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