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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH should get a job instead?

124 replies

EvilGreedyWife · 14/07/2017 14:34

DH set up his own company beginning of the year. I was just asking about how much he has made in first 6 months (has been busy, enough work to do, I can't say he's been just sitting there doing nothing), and it means he could pay himself just about 1/6th of his previous salary per month. This is less than minimum wage in this country and would barely make a dent in our outgoings.

I earn a decent salary but we also have high mortgage and other expenses, and it's getting quite tight - in fact Dhs main topic of conversation has been money recently and how we spend too much and have too little.

My opinion is that this is clearly not sustainable. He should forget about the company and concentrate on finding a job, he could easily earn 8-9 times that. Trouble is currently there are no opportunities in our area - he would need to commute for about 1-1.5h one way (or stay over and commute weekly).

So my opinion: he just needs to suck it up and do it until something comes up closer to home. Especially as he does not see his company income drastically improving, ever.
His opinion - I'm U expecting him to do this, he would have no life, no hobbies, never see the kids. I'm especially U as my own job is a comfortable 10 min commute away.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 14/07/2017 15:31

He rents an office? That is a money pit for a start! Most new businesses start working from home, why cant he do that?

deffoncforthis · 14/07/2017 15:31

YABU, it can be a long time before a start-up is paying handsomely or even break even in most cases - whether it is meant to grow into a megaororation ASAP or not. I take it you did the cursory research to understand this before he started.

The time to decide you couldn't live with that was six months ago. Not now when he has - you both have - been invested in doing it for this long. Unless it is a particularly unusual and dramatic failure, I'd say buckle up.

deffoncforthis · 14/07/2017 15:32

*megacorporation

TheFlis12345 · 14/07/2017 15:33

An hour is not a long commute, plenty of people travel for longer just within London, and they manage to have lives and see their family.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/07/2017 15:33

Deff I take it that you have not read the OP's post where she says that he has admitted he will never make much more than he is now?

WankYouForTheMusic · 14/07/2017 15:35

Right, if he's only doing 50% this isn't a scenario where his work situation means he earns less but also facilitates him doing more for the family. Ok. Wanted to get that clear. If him doing this meant eg he could do all the school runs, that would need factoring into the discussion.

Is there any reason he can't charge more to clients than he is now?

May50 · 14/07/2017 15:39

YANBU. I was in exactly the same situation as you with Partner with 'hobby' self employed business, for nearly a decade. Tried discussing but always fell on deaf ears. It broke the relationship because he just didn't care about the stress on me, and refused to even work part time for some money. He didn't contribute anything into household pot (or help with housework either!) we are now separated. He needs to realise it's not acceptable long term (ok for a short while if things will pick up but it doesn't sound like he things it will).

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 14/07/2017 15:40

Aside from the lower pay (which being so much lower and little hope of rising is worrying in itself), it appears your DH has not considered how to fill the quite significant gaps caused becoming self employed.

Holiday pay, sick pay, NI contributions, pension contributions, consistency of pay - has he thought about any of these or have a plan to address them?

Even if he were just about managing to cover costs, when you're self employed you need to be making about 130% of your costs to have the slightest chance of being able to take a week off for Christmas without missing the mortgage payment.

I think you need to have a serious conversation about this, and if he is really set on continuing then he can't just expect you to cover the shortfall. It sounds as if his earnings are directly linked to the hours put in, so he needs to be working 50, 60, 70 hour weeks as necessary to share the financial burden of running a home. If he's not willing to do that then he can't be self employed.

user1476869312 · 14/07/2017 15:44

Yeah, it does sound as though the business is for his benefit and having a negative impact on the family, which is not fair. He has a wife and kids and he cannot just disregard them.
Try to approach it in terms of finding some kind of compromise, OP - he needs to be contributing to the family, but it isn't all that fair to insist he takes a job he hates, either.

yamadori · 14/07/2017 15:47

If he has plenty to do and is busy, then how come he is earning so little?

WankYouForTheMusic · 14/07/2017 15:47

I think it would be reasonable to look at how far costs can be reduced without having a significant impact on everyone's quality of living first of all. It sounds like he has a point there. Then think about how much he would need to earn to make a fair contribution.

Original poster
EvilGreedyWife · 14/07/2017 16:00

WankYou I might be unreasonable here, but my thinking is that why should I lower the quality of life of our family and DC because DH is only using 1/8th of his earning potential.

OP posts:
indigox · 14/07/2017 16:06

Are you paying all the mortgage/living expenses?

Original poster
EvilGreedyWife · 14/07/2017 16:15

yes

OP posts:
KeithLeMonde · 14/07/2017 16:24

I don't understand how you managed to get into this situation without discussing it at the time he decided to set up the company. Did you not talk about how much he might be earning through self-employment and how it would affect your family finances?

Didiusfalco · 14/07/2017 16:35

That's not sustainable then. If you're not on board then he can't just opt to put the majority of the financial burden on you. The conversation shouldn't therefore be how you're going to cut back, but how he is going to earn more money so you don't have to.

indigox · 14/07/2017 16:38

In that case he's been massively selfish. Choosing to drive his family into financial troubles so he can follow a pipe dream which is never going to be financially successful whilst he lives off his wife? YANBU.

Jaxhog · 14/07/2017 16:48

You need to have that dreaded 'money' talk. Tbh, you needed to have that talk well before he started his business.

If he's serious, he should have a business plan with a cash-flow forecast. He should be agreeing the financial targets with you, along with any changes in your household budget. Agreement should be by both of you, not him telling you.

Anything else and he isn't running a business - he's just pratting about.

sirfredfredgeorge · 14/07/2017 16:54

why should I lower the quality of life of our family and DC because DH is only using 1/8th of his earning potential.

Because you'd be destroying his quality of life, so you're asking him to make all the sacrifices - your words were

he would have no life, no hobbies, never see the kids

That is not a balanced family, it's one where sometimes it's necessary, but it doesn't sound absolutely necessary here, just a few adjustments. Of course we can't really say if there's a sensible compromise somewhere in between or what, as we don't know enough, but no putting all the sacrifices on one person in a family is not good.

IHateUncleJamie · 14/07/2017 17:03

Tricky one, OP. Have you switched things round to think how you'd feel in your DH's situation? You would probably ask for more time, which seems reasonable.

I do think renting an office if not strictly necessary is a waste of money at this stage. Could he be based at home?

Re the 1-1.5 hr commute - that's really not unreasonable, as pps have said. It's quite normal here with people commuting into London.

But I think if you force your DH to give up his business and make him do a job he hates, that's not reasonable after so short a time. If he is pumping unnecessary money into his business that he doesn't need to, he needs an appointment with a small-business advisor to help him be as efficient as he can. How about that as a compromise, and review things in 6 months?

coffeeslave · 14/07/2017 17:05

I'm with TheFlis12345 - 1 hour commute is not enough to warrant staying over for a week! My commute within London is 45 minutes and that's a short London commute! I've commuted 1h 20mins within London before.

Bluntness100 · 14/07/2017 17:11

How did you end up in this position? Did he resign or lose his last job?

Original poster
EvilGreedyWife · 14/07/2017 17:17

Just to be clear, the job we're talking about is exactly the same, just being employed v self-employed. so it's not his dream career versus something he hates.

the statement that he would have no life is his. His job requires regular hours only so in my opinion, while the commute of course takes a big chunk of time currently free, it would also leave plenty for family.

Ihate I hear what you're saying, that's what I have issues with. If he had a plan and could show me how his income will grow, I wouldn't mind. But he doesn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
EvilGreedyWife · 14/07/2017 17:18

Bluntness the previous company closed down.

OP posts:
WankYouForTheMusic · 14/07/2017 17:23

WankYou I might be unreasonable here, but my thinking is that why should I lower the quality of life of our family and DC because DH is only using 1/8th of his earning potential.

Well, hence the 'reasonable' part. And that looks different for every family, doesn't it? So eg for some people having a few days in a caravan instead of two weeks in the Med is a perfectly acceptable downshifting, for others that two weeks is the highlight of the family's year and not something they're willing to give up. It's middle ground.

So I don't think the family should be on, say enforced economic vegetarianism, no holiday, £10 for Christmas gifts etc just because one person wants an easier life. Nor do I think one person should be forced to deal with a lengthy commute, when the other isn't, for the sake of luxuries. And ten hours a week is a substantial chunk of time, however far other people commute. I don't think DH has any right to expect you to pick up all the financial slack for his choices, but I also don't think it's ok for you to expect him to have a harder life than you, ie a lengthy commute where yours is short, for the sake of inessentials.

Neither of you should be expecting the other to do more than you're prepared to, in order to have extras. Whether that extra is a higher standard of living or a hobby job. It sounds like you're both doing that, at the moment.