AIBU to think DH should get a job instead?

[EvilGreedyWife]

DH set up his own company beginning of the year. I was just asking about how much he has made in first 6 months (has been busy, enough work to do, I can't say he's been just sitting there doing nothing), and it means he could pay himself just about 1/6th of his previous salary per month. This is less than minimum wage in this country and would barely make a dent in our outgoings.

I earn a decent salary but we also have high mortgage and other expenses, and it's getting quite tight - in fact Dhs main topic of conversation has been money recently and how we spend too much and have too little.

My opinion is that this is clearly not sustainable. He should forget about the company and concentrate on finding a job, he could easily earn 8-9 times that. Trouble is currently there are no opportunities in our area - he would need to commute for about 1-1.5h one way (or stay over and commute weekly).

So my opinion: he just needs to suck it up and do it until something comes up closer to home. Especially as he does not see his company income drastically improving, ever.
His opinion - I'm U expecting him to do this, he would have no life, no hobbies, never see the kids. I'm especially U as my own job is a comfortable 10 min commute away.

AIBU?

LEM I don't think I understand your comment? I said that if I lost my local job, yes I would commute.
If you mean why won't we move closer to where he could work and I would commute instead - I believe I mentioned above that this would actually mean moving to another country, where living expenses are significantly higher, so that would not make sense from financial perspective.

Why don't you read the full thread, LEM? The op has already said that she would be prepared to commute!

Sorry - cross post.

Oh sorry I read earlier that she wasn't up for that. My apologies - especially as I find myself in a similar boat. I Concur YANBU

I agree he won't be able to suddenly put up his hourly rate with existing customers, but he could try to bump it up a little. What do his competitors charge?

Because he's working with old customers from his ex employer - will he have to work with just those customers for ever? Is there any chance of finding a new customer? In which case he could set a much higher rate with them from the outset.

Cursory Google found this guide to upping your rates with customers asa freelancer. www.talentedladiesclub.com/articles/raise-freelance-rates-complete-guide/

I honestly couldn't deal with this once you add in the fact that he complains about money and gets defensive when you state the freaking bloody obvious. And has no answer to the question of what if you switched to your hobby job. I didn't sign up to carry our family alone, not only by bringing in all the money but also to be expected to solve all the financial problems. What are you doing here? Your plan is never to contribute more than you are now which is NOT ENOUGH for the living standard you want. You could easily change this but you don't want to. I honestly can't bear to think about it when you refuse to be any part of the solution, what do you want me to do? Do you think I should cancel the cleaner and come
Home from work and do all the cleaning? Ditto the gardener? Are you proposing to do those or split them with me? Because I dont hear you proposing to do anything. Do you think I should get a night job and work 24 hours a day till I jump off a bridge because you won't work 9-5 plus a commute? What do you want from me? Because financially and life plan wise this family is not getting enough from you, you refuse
To talk about it and I've had enough.

Yes,there are other potential clients out there, but he's really not a salesman, and his capacity as one-man show is limited to small projects only.

We had a talk and agreed to take a look at his rates and hours quoted, as there seems to be an issue somewhere. He also agreed to apply for a job that was just posted, 1 hour commute.

Of course I'm not such a big fan of him commuting either, because most childcare would be on my shoulders and it would mean I need to give up my second hobby-job in it's current form. But hopefully at some point something will come up in our area again. I do appreciate the flexibility he gets with his own company but I'm very sceptical we manage to find the magic formula there to make him earn enough when self-employed.

I'm self employed. Mostly outreach, I work in Arts. There are a couple of quiet periods in the year - at which point I take myself off and do a bit of casual bar/events work via an agency. Its not brilliant money but as its not my career nor permanent work I truly dont care - its there for when I need a bit more to tide me over, put towards particular bill or a holiday, or just fancy a bit of extra money etc. Its about when things are slow, utilise your time wisely. I know a couple of friends who do same. Theres always something that can be done on p/t or casual basis. Your DH is being unrealistic because youre there to keep things afloat. If he doesnt have an up and out there mentality then self-employment isnt for him anyway. You need motivation, the clarity to know when youre starting out things may be a little slow, unless youve got a big contract you arent going to be working and generating an income daily. So a Plan B is essential. I wouldn't say he should give up self-employment if thats his thing. Just that he should in no way expect you to sub it. He needs to put things in place so money ticks over. Good luck OP hope you get this sorted as you'll get entirely fed up of him and situation otherwise. Why does he even have to be about "one role".

Also what fourquenelles said

I don't see why that commute is so unreasonable.

DH has a minimum hour thirty commute, each way, every day .... fact of life ... not great but it's really not unusual

The fact that it's not unusual in some areas doesn't mean a person is BU not to want to do it. Some people find it utterly exhausting, and for most of us it's a significant chunk of our awake time during the week. It also reduces the amount of time him and the kids could see each other. Personally I'd give up a cleaner, gardener, dog walker and a lot else besides before going back to spending 15 hours a week commuting.

The problem here is that it seems he doesn't actually even want to do that. He wants to keep those things whilst also pursuing the hobby job. It's really not ok to refuse to even discuss finances. Although based on the last couple of updates, maybe he's in the process of deciding that he actually would do the commute if it means he can keep the luxuries: which is also totally legitimate.

OP - I was a bit surprised that you agreed to start a business without seeing the business plan first. but then again, over two thirds of the start ups I have supported haven't had one and have just plunged in anyway. on very rare occasions these businesses do survive and thrive but they are massively in the minority to those with proper plans.

so, if I get this right, he had a job, company pension, paid leave etc. he left it (redundancy) and wants to carry on doing the same work on his own. but with no business plan, no marketing experience, skills or drive to do it and then he moans that financially things aren't what they used to be.

you have to get communication going with him over this. get your ducks in a row. show him income/outgoing figures and ask him to point to what you need to cut. just hoping he will take the new job or assuming he will get it isn't the way to go.

people are usually defensive when they are on dodgy ground.

what he needs to accept - and he isn't alone - is that some roles just don't pull in the money if you are self employed. if money isn't important that's fine. but clearly it is to you as a couple.

I'm sure he can get a job - if not this one then another. I just need him to give up on the business and start applying.

No Op. you need to sit down and be speaking to each other. not him getting huffy every time you ask him a question.

this would worry me more. the lack of communication between the two of you.

If he is working for ex clients of his old company is it possible that he could become an employee of one of these clients?

Yes in principle I of course agree mummy. But all relationships have their peculiarities and this is the area where we struggle, he feels I am always questioning all his professional decisions. So this time I decided to step back when he assured me he had it all figured out..

how his current clients don't have a need for a full time employee in his capacity

An hour 30 is a massive commute in my circles, just because some do doesn't at all make it the norm!

I work in a similar if not the same industry OP. He IBVU.

There are LOADS of self employed consultants. I'm employed, but I have loads of independent freelancing colleagues. He really shouldn't be failing to make money at this. My colleagues Charge themselves out at well over double my charge out rate (to cover costs, NI holiday pay etc) and do a mix of working out of their own office, working from home or working out of the clients office depending on their projects and their responsibilities at home. They don't just do small projects either but often come together to work on really big stuff.

He is being an utter fuckmuppet if he's failing to make this work TBH.

i dont understand how if he did the same thing but as an employee of someoneelse he would get many times more salary.

he must be massively undercharging or not actually doing much

You decided to step back when he told you he had it all under control... hmm.
I'd step right back up again if I were you!

If you don't I think you could find yourself in a very difficult financial situation in the months and years to come.

'He himself admits that he does not see the income increasing significantly.'

This, plus the fact that he is moaning about lack of money - YANBU.

OP - you are not questioning his professional decisions. what you are questioning is something which affects the whole household and family, not just him. No one starts a new business as self employed in isolation. it takes the full support and commitment of everyone in the family. but with that trust comes responsibility.

its not a relationship peculiarity it could end up being a deal breaker between the two of you couldn't it.

We are self employed and we have a business plan which we revisit every few months and we talk openly about the business, its direction etc. we have to to make it work. my dh doesn't see this as questioning his professionalism or vice versa. we see it as working towards the same goal.

having someone else look over your business plan whether its a partner or paid professional is invaluable because no one is perfect.

does he have a proper written and costed business plan or did he just ask you to leave him alone and trust him so its something you have never seen?

His 'solution' would undoubtedly be to give up the cleaner/gardener/dogwalker but it would be you that had to take on their work. Not him. Because his precious entrepreneurial cock would fall off if he actually had to contribute properly.

While there are people who make a success out of self-employment, there are many more (usually male) who like the idea of self-employment but expect someone else (usually their female partner) to pick up all the slack, both financial and in terms of domestic work, because They Have A Dream and their ego is what matters.