Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step Daughter Dilemma

86 replies

betteroffwithouthim · 14/07/2017 10:44

To set the scene a little I've been with OH for almost 3 yrs since DSD was 10. I was not the reason for her parents' split they'd been separated for a year when i met him. I've tried and tried and tried everything to have a good relationship with her but it just hasn't happened despite having a very good relationship with her brother aged 17. We have a polite relationship but are not close and she does her best to stay away from me when they visit 2 or 3 times a week and EOW.

Anyway to get to the reason for my post. I've just been having a clean up and although I rarely go in her room I thought it could benefit from a dust and Hoover. On top of her bedside cabinet I've found an old tissue box crammed with used sanitary towels. There is a bin in both of our bathrooms which are emptied regularly and if she was too embarrassed to put them in there, there is the outside bin.

Her dad would not be comfortable having a conversation with her about this. You may flame us for this but it's simply not an option, he'd just refuse.

Would AIBU to contact her mother (who I've never spoken to) to ask her to show her how to hygienically dispose of her sanitary pads?

OP posts:
PutThatPomBearBack · 14/07/2017 10:45

Why can't you tell her yourself?

formerbabe · 14/07/2017 10:47

Can't you tell her dad and he can approach her mum to discuss it with her?

Original poster
betteroffwithouthim · 14/07/2017 10:48

I can't tell her for the reasons in my message. We have a barely speaking relationship.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/07/2017 10:48

OMG, you assuming the mother hasn't already shown her how to hygienically dispose of her sanitary pads, is going to go down like a lead balloon Grin

My teenagers know how to put their dirty cups in the kitchen, but it doesn't stop them from leaving them in their bedrooms.

Just mention it breezily to your stepdaughter. Ask her if she'd rather have a bin in her room.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 14/07/2017 10:49

Honestly I would buy her a bin, leave it in her room with a roll of little bin liners and casually say you saw the tissues and bought her these, tell her tie up the bag and pop it in the bin outside regularly. Don't ring her mother and make a big issue out of it, just be nice and breezy so you don't embarrass her but at the same time you deal with it

ConstanceCraving · 14/07/2017 10:49

No don't contact her mum. Just talk to her. She's obviously embarrassed disposing them in the bathroom.
Maybe get a bin for her room and ask her to empty in outside once a week.

Bigbiscuits · 14/07/2017 10:49

Just chuck it in the bin.

I wouldn't mention it unless it becomes a habit

At least she didn't try and flush them away.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 14/07/2017 10:50

Poor girl. Perhaps at home she has a bin in her bedroom and so didn't know what to do at yours. It's appalling that her dad won't talk to her about it, but if he won't then you need to. Just explain to her when she's next there where she can put them, or put a bin in her room for her own use if that is what she wants (but for god's sake tell her that's what it's for). It doesn't sound like a hygiene issue, it sounds like a lack of communication from her parent and step-parent issue.

Original poster
betteroffwithouthim · 14/07/2017 10:50

I'm not assuming her mother hasn't had this conversation, but she obviously needs to have it again if she has.

OP posts:
chowmeinchick · 14/07/2017 10:51

She obviously embarrassed. Definitely do not contact any one else about this, brining more people into this is unnecessary.

Either have a nice, friendly chat with her about what to do or buy her a bin for the bedroom. Not difficult.

Original poster
betteroffwithouthim · 14/07/2017 10:52

Thank you no cabbage for your non judgemental message.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/07/2017 10:52

Honestly, I think you should chill out.

Just buy her a bin for her room.

If it happens again once she has the bin, then have a re-think.

ConstanceCraving · 14/07/2017 10:55

You posted in AIBU OP. You will probably receive some judgemental replies. But so far I don't think you have Hmm

HipsterHunter · 14/07/2017 10:56

You don't need it to be a big deal, I get you don't have much of a relationship but could you buy a bin for her bedroom and say "DSD, I've put a bin in your bedroom so you can use it whilst you're on your period. I've put a pack of bin liners next to it. It would be super helpful if you could empty the bin [every few days] into the wheelie bin. Thanks"

Also, you DH.... total cave man for not being able to discuss "wimins issues" like "please use a bin for your sanitary products". I see he isn't squeamish enough to put his dick inside omens vaginas and ejaculate out his sperm which some woudl argue is even more gross.

astoundedgoat · 14/07/2017 10:56

Do you think it might have been her first period, or at least her first away from home, and she simply didn't know what to do beyond acquiring some pads?

Good advice above. Cute small covered bin for her room (like not an open waste-paper basket, with a roll of liners, and next time she comes to stay, casually tell her you got this for her room, and if she wants to change the bag herself, just to tie the old one shut & pop it in the landfill bin outside or wherever. No need to mention why - she'll presumably "get" what to do next time.

Justhadmyhaircut · 14/07/2017 10:58

She stays in your home. . You are an adult. . Talk to her ffs!!

Orangetoffee · 14/07/2017 10:58

Put a bin in her room and if that doesn't work get your OH to tidy up after her if he refuses to talk about it with her.

MumsOnCrack · 14/07/2017 10:59

I'd leave it - really. My DSis doesn't have a bin in the bathroom so I sometimes have to stash them in my bad but I'd be mortified if anyone went through my bag and found one. I know this is slightly different but the key here is that you're going to make her feel disgusting. Please don't.

MuvaWifey77 · 14/07/2017 10:59

Whatever you do don't call the mum. Just mention it to DSD yourself. I have the same sort of relationship (barely existent now) with my step daughters ... don't make a big deal out of it.... I know you mentioned you don't talk to her much but it won't kill to Just say it to her ... as awkward as it might seem. Good luck

Jenna43 · 14/07/2017 11:05

I wouldn't say anything to her mother. Just put a bin in her room then if it happens again you could speak to DSD herself maybe.

Jenna43 · 14/07/2017 11:05
  • yourself
Original poster
betteroffwithouthim · 14/07/2017 11:06

I think she's been having periods for about a year. Thanks for your advice I'll buy a little covered bin and have a super descreet chat with her. As for the judgers I'm used to it as a step mum on here lol! But amongst all the judgement those who are better give good advice. I'm just a step mum without kids of my own trying to do the best job possible.

OP posts:
DirtyChaiLatte · 14/07/2017 11:06

I'm going to be the judgemental one and say that you sound as though you blame her for not having a close relationship, and because of this you have no qualms about making a pretty minor situation into something potentially embarrassing for your SD.

Pigface1 · 14/07/2017 11:09

I remember when I was a young teenager and learning to cope with having heavy periods, when I used to leak, I used to hide bloodstained knickers behind my wardrobe. I didn't know what else to do - I was just too embarrassed to approach my parents. It obviously continued for a while and there was quite a pile there. My dad found them one day and made a huge authoritarian speech about it, with my mum there, told me I was disgusting, and lectured me extensively about hygiene. It didn't occur to them to question why I hadn't come to talk to them about it.

Anyway, I know it's weird but I get why she's doing it - especially if her dad is how your OP hints he might be. I really would advise making as little of it in the first instance as you possibly can (17 years later I'm still shuddering at my dad's speech!) I think obviously dispose of the box. Then as PP have suggested, buy a bin for her room (one of those bathroom ones with a lid) and some liners, and just breezily mention it. Then see what happens. If the problem persists then you may have to try a more direct approach.

EssentialHummus · 14/07/2017 11:10

Thanks for your advice I'll buy a little covered bin and have a super descreet chat with her.

This sounds fine to me. "When I was your age I felt really uncomfortable disposing of private things/pads in the bathroom, here's a bin for your room if you want it, bags are in the kitchen, would you be OK to empty it yourself to the outside bin (?) when it gets full?"

Swipe left for the next trending thread