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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step Daughter Dilemma

86 replies

betteroffwithouthim · 14/07/2017 10:44

To set the scene a little I've been with OH for almost 3 yrs since DSD was 10. I was not the reason for her parents' split they'd been separated for a year when i met him. I've tried and tried and tried everything to have a good relationship with her but it just hasn't happened despite having a very good relationship with her brother aged 17. We have a polite relationship but are not close and she does her best to stay away from me when they visit 2 or 3 times a week and EOW.

Anyway to get to the reason for my post. I've just been having a clean up and although I rarely go in her room I thought it could benefit from a dust and Hoover. On top of her bedside cabinet I've found an old tissue box crammed with used sanitary towels. There is a bin in both of our bathrooms which are emptied regularly and if she was too embarrassed to put them in there, there is the outside bin.

Her dad would not be comfortable having a conversation with her about this. You may flame us for this but it's simply not an option, he'd just refuse.

Would AIBU to contact her mother (who I've never spoken to) to ask her to show her how to hygienically dispose of her sanitary pads?

OP posts:
PineappleScrunchie · 14/07/2017 11:11

Have you considered that her father's attitude is why she hides them in her room?

Jenna43 · 14/07/2017 11:14

Have you considered that her father's attitude is why she hides them in her room?

Not in a million years would my father have dealt with this issue.

PurplePeppers · 14/07/2017 11:15

Dont talk to her about it as 'Ive found some used sanitary towels in your room. This is not hygienic. Please put them in the bin in the bathroom' type of conversation.

Just buy her a bin and tell her that you though she might need one. Put a plastic bag in it and ask her to empty her bin (I'm assuming she does that normally?). Or do it yourself but don't mention the pads.

vikingprincess81 · 14/07/2017 11:20

May I suggest you provide a stash of pads/tampons etc for her too - perhaps to keep in her room/a bathroom cabinet, as well as the breezy chat about the bin?
If she's only been having periods for a year, she may not be regular yet or ever! and may be caught short. If she knows dad won't talk about it, then a very quick breezy chat from DSM might be appreciated.
'Hey DSD, I've popped a bin and liners in your room, and there are pads etc in the bathroom/on your bed/top drawer (wherever you can go without rooting in her drawers) in case you ever get your period unexpectedly while you're here. Oh, and if you could empty your bin/leave it tied at your door once a week/fortnight/millenia that would be fab, thanks! Fancy a cuppa?'
And move on. It lets her know she can talk to you if needed, but you won't push it.
Can't be easy being a SM, and I think it's good you're asking for advice on how to deal with stuff (not meant to be patronising at all!!) I reckon that shows you care about the family, and that's important Grin

Whodoesthis17 · 14/07/2017 11:24

Pleased don't call her mum.
If she is doing this it means she is already upset at having a period at your house, the best thing you can do is buy the bin and put it in her room, as her to put her makeup tissue's and bits you can recycle into the bin and tell her you will empty it after she has visited.

The reason you don't have a good relationship is you will always be the OW in her eyes, there is nothing you can do to change this, believe me I tried, now at 8 years going past and where I can talk to the grown up child I asked her why,, I was told I meant her dad ddin't visit, or spend enough time with her, I asked her how much time and she said he didn't live at home, and though she knew her parents had parted it was easier to blame me, and there was nothing at all I could have done to make it better.

ravenmum · 14/07/2017 11:24

When I was that age I took a friend of mine on holiday to my dad's house for two weeks. During that time she had her first period. She knew her mum would be sorry to have missed the big event, so saved up all the blood-covered panty liners to take home with her at the end of the holiday. Made perfect sense at the time :)

She might feel uncomfortable about you knowing when she's had her period, and hide it. And carrying every single pad through the house to the outside bin, separately? You'd be worried someone would see it, every time. Perhaps her plan was to take the full tissue box out at the end of her period. Or perhaps she is just a yucky teenager like I was at that age!

Goingtobeawesome · 14/07/2017 11:25

Don't put the bin liners in the kitchen. Give her her own roll to keep in the bin. When she empties the bin the roll is underneath ready to remove one from.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/07/2017 11:31

I wouldn't even have the chat with her - she'll probably be horribly embarrassed. I'd just leave a bathroom bin (with a lid) and a pack of the little individual, scented bags you can buy in her room and leave it at that.

puddingpen · 14/07/2017 11:31

I think if I were you I would do as pps suggest and buy her a bin for her room but then mention it in a way that makes it clear she has done nothing wrong, e.g. "I was hoovering your room and I noticed you were having to put your rubbish on your bedside table so I got you a bin. Silly me for not getting one for you before." That way, if she was just really embarrassed and didn't know where to put them (see dad's mentality above) you will not embarrass her further and if she is just gross or (even worse) doing it on purpose (hope not - it doesn't sound like your relationship is as bad as this) then you have let her know she hasn't got to you.

Wormulonian · 14/07/2017 11:41

Don't, don't, don't call her mum or ask DH to have a word. Just get a bin for her room and line it with a bag - it is no big deal. Try to remember how you felt when you were 13. I wouldn't even "have a word" - it won't help your relationship. Be kind.

Original poster
betteroffwithouthim · 14/07/2017 11:51

Thanks again for all your great advice. I'm going to follow it and buy a little stash of pads for her drawer just in case. Baby steps and fingers crossed for improved step relations. I'll never be someone she chooses to be with but we can make the time she's here as pleasant as possible until she's old enough to decide when and where she wants to see her dad.

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 14/07/2017 11:52

BTW, for all bins but especially this one, the best place to keep the roll of liners is in the bottom of the bin under the bin liner. Game changer.

Lexieblue · 14/07/2017 11:56

OP how about you get a little basket or box for the bathroom, fill it with selection of pads, tampons, little bags Epsom salts etc with a new little bin next to it and next time dsd is around casually say to her you've put a little box together in the bathroom for you both to use whenever you need?

Elendon · 14/07/2017 12:00

For the first 10 years of her life she has known only her mum and dad. Her world has been shaken by the divorce and this new partner that her father has. Cut her a bit of slack and please remember that she is closer to her mum than you will ever be with her. You are just her dad's partner, and she may well enjoy your company. I remember my aunt having a discreet discussion with me regarding the disposal of sanitary products when I was 13. Even though I was very close to her, I was mortified. Tread carefully.

Elendon · 14/07/2017 12:01

I like Lexieblue post.

Original poster
betteroffwithouthim · 14/07/2017 12:03

I wondered how long it would be before someone mentioned how she'll be closer to her mum than I'll ever be, thanks for not disappointing Elendon. I'm also aware her mother knows her father better than I ever will and all the usuals 😂😂. I am extremely kind to her at all times, hence the reason for the post trying to do the right thing.

OP posts:
SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 14/07/2017 12:08

Don't even have a chat, just buy a couple of small bedroom bins with lids and mention to DD that you saw these in the sale and thought they matched the room or whatever. Plonk one in her room and empty it like you do the other bins.

It's not about being a step-mum, it's about remembering that it's fecking awkward being a teenage girl and just avoid embarrassment at all costs. I doubt she shoved the used sanitary towels there just to be difficult.

You can deal with this without even addressing it directly. Job done.

Monkeyface26 · 14/07/2017 12:10

I'm a stepmother & have 2 dds. I wouldn't have a chat so much as make an announcement. If you try to engineer a 2-way discussion it is unlikely to go especially well. She knows she shouldn't have been hiding them away really, she was just embarrassed and she will be even more embarrassed if she has to talk to you about it or if she thinks you have been discussing it with either parent.
I would frame it as an apology "I am so sorry dsd. I should have put a bin in your room to give you some privacy. I have put one in there now and if there is anything else you need, just ask or text me". In this way, you haven't 'told' her what do in future, or blamed her, which are the two things that stepdaughters dislike most!

Elendon · 14/07/2017 12:11

But you are not the person to do the 'right thing'. You are in her eye's her dad's partner.

Her mother probably now wonders if she knew her partner at all. You probably know the real him.

Her parents will do the right thing. They did after all see her at birth and brought her up.

deeedeee · 14/07/2017 12:12

Poor girl.
I completely agree, just put a discreet covered bin in her room for her, and tell her that you thought she might need a private bin that she can empty herself in private. and don't mention the pads you found.

grannytomine · 14/07/2017 12:12

Don't call her mum. With the best possible intentions you might cause WW3.

Maybe83 · 14/07/2017 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FooFighter99 · 14/07/2017 12:17

BetterOff I'm a step mum to a 17 year old DD and have been for 10 years, I know how difficult those early teen years are. Don't take it personally that she's a bit cool towards you, at 13 she probably acts exactly the same way with her mum as she does with you! But also, don't give up trying to have a relationship with her, she will come around eventually and will be glad you kept trying.

It is possible to have a fabulous relationship with a step child as evidenced by your relationship with her brother Smile

missiondecision · 14/07/2017 12:23

Oh jeez don't mention it, you will embarrass her, Take the box away and get her bin.

Venusflytwat · 14/07/2017 12:23

I'd put a bin in her room. Make sure you also put a roll of liners in there so she can discreetly tie it up and take it home with her if she can't bear the thought of you emptying her bin.

Good luck, it sounds like you're doing the best you can in a tricky situation.

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