Step Daughter Dilemma

[betteroffwithouthim]

To set the scene a little I've been with OH for almost 3 yrs since DSD was 10. I was not the reason for her parents' split they'd been separated for a year when i met him. I've tried and tried and tried everything to have a good relationship with her but it just hasn't happened despite having a very good relationship with her brother aged 17. We have a polite relationship but are not close and she does her best to stay away from me when they visit 2 or 3 times a week and EOW.

Anyway to get to the reason for my post. I've just been having a clean up and although I rarely go in her room I thought it could benefit from a dust and Hoover. On top of her bedside cabinet I've found an old tissue box crammed with used sanitary towels. There is a bin in both of our bathrooms which are emptied regularly and if she was too embarrassed to put them in there, there is the outside bin.

Her dad would not be comfortable having a conversation with her about this. You may flame us for this but it's simply not an option, he'd just refuse.

Would AIBU to contact her mother (who I've never spoken to) to ask her to show her how to hygienically dispose of her sanitary pads?

At that age I'd have been absolutely mortified to have someone actually speak to me about it; I'd have preferred them to say nothing even if it was obvious they knew. But I was extremely anxious about that kind of thing, more than most, and thinking about it now, I don't think it actually helped that it was treated like a taboo subject. That probably made it more embarrassing. I remember often feeling ashamed that my room was dirty or smelled: in some ways it would have been nice if the adults (dm, dd, dsd, dsm) had shown that it's pretty normal for a teenager's room to be like that. I only really "forgave" myself for the stupid things I did as a child/teenager when I had children of my own.

Tricky, though.

I think if you handle this right and just get her the bin and have a very quick breezy chat with her then you may actually begin to form a lovely and respectful bond with her. Good luck x

I know it's been said and you've made a decision but I just wanted to be another our to say, she's probably embarrassed at her dad and step mum's house. Nothing to do with her not knowing.

A bin in her room with all the things she needs, I wouldn't say anything to her mum or dad.

I don't see why you can't mention to her that you've put a bin in her room with some bin bags, just tell her she can use it for whatever she needs as either you'll change it or she can take it to the wheelie bin.

Good plan, OP. Sounds great. :)

*But you are not the person to do the 'right thing'. You are in her eye's her dad's partner.

Her mother probably now wonders if she knew her partner at all. You probably know the real him.

Her parents will do the right thing. They did after all see her at birth and brought her up.*

What are you talking about. ^ That has no relevance whatsoever.

I was the same raven - I didn't even tell my mum (or anyone) that I'd started my period, just grabbed some pads out of the bathroom drawer and learnt to use them with a bit of trial and error. Looking back, I'd have really liked someone to give me a box of pads / tampons and tell me they could answer any questions if I had them - just to normalise the whole thing really.

Just get her a bin for a room and say something like 'I'm just popping this bin your room for when you need it!'. No need to mortify her.

I was similar at her age, I found periods and puberty deeply embarrassing and awful.

I replied a few pages back, but I've just realised my own DD has no supplies in ( I use a cup) and I need to rectify that when I go to Tesco on the way home. FWIW, there are books that may be worth having in your bookcase too - although DH and I are very open probably too open because I want to draw diagrams! sometimes teens don't want to ask/speak to a grown up. My ds is 9 and he's transfixed when I tell him how things work, BUT my dd is older and suffers from chronic embarrassment at everything I say Just let her know the option is there to talk to you if necessary, and have the supplies in a place she can easily access them.
www.amazon.co.uk/Whats-Happening-Me-Alex-Frith/dp/0746076630?tag=mumsnetforum-21
www.amazon.co.uk/Whats-Happening-Girls-Facts-Life/dp/0746069952/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_img_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=AWBBA5KWJ8PGAZ14X0ZG&tag=mumsnetforum-21
I have both books and would even if I only had girls/boys - it doesn't hurt to know what the opposite sex is going through too.
Good luck OP! You're doing just grand!

Get some little baggies too.