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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step Daughter Dilemma

86 replies

betteroffwithouthim · 14/07/2017 10:44

To set the scene a little I've been with OH for almost 3 yrs since DSD was 10. I was not the reason for her parents' split they'd been separated for a year when i met him. I've tried and tried and tried everything to have a good relationship with her but it just hasn't happened despite having a very good relationship with her brother aged 17. We have a polite relationship but are not close and she does her best to stay away from me when they visit 2 or 3 times a week and EOW.

Anyway to get to the reason for my post. I've just been having a clean up and although I rarely go in her room I thought it could benefit from a dust and Hoover. On top of her bedside cabinet I've found an old tissue box crammed with used sanitary towels. There is a bin in both of our bathrooms which are emptied regularly and if she was too embarrassed to put them in there, there is the outside bin.

Her dad would not be comfortable having a conversation with her about this. You may flame us for this but it's simply not an option, he'd just refuse.

Would AIBU to contact her mother (who I've never spoken to) to ask her to show her how to hygienically dispose of her sanitary pads?

OP posts:

GreatFuckability · 14/07/2017 12:24

As the child who's step parent barely spoke to me, its up to YOU as the adult to change that. talk to her.

Elendon · 14/07/2017 12:25

As the mother of two girls trust me, do not mention it. Clear it up and then leave a bin for disposal. There was many a time I cleared it all up and never said a word, except to say they really should be starting to clean their own rooms up.

I clean my son's room too. He's a teenager and his sheets are ripe sometimes. I would never mention it to him. It's all part of teenage life. I do ask him though to clean his room out.

missiondecision · 14/07/2017 12:26

Don't try to hard, or take it personally, just let her know you are there if she needs you. A conversation about why you found will not help.

missiondecision · 14/07/2017 12:26

what not why

WashingMatilda · 14/07/2017 12:29

I'm a stepmum too OP and have a SD the same age as yours with none of my own. We have a great relationship, but I think that's mainly been from me letting her take her time with me, showing her I care about her and being very clear I'm not trying to replace her mum who loves her very much. It's a difficult age and couple that with yours starting her periods must be awkward for her.
Stepparenting can be a thankless task I agree, it's odd to me though why you would even consider telling her mum, that sounds quite cruel to me and your OH sounds pathetic

Elendon · 14/07/2017 12:31

Oh and just to add my children do not think of their dad's partner as their stepmum. She is his partner and they are very happy together and that's it. They enjoy her company.

Frouby · 14/07/2017 12:32

I would buy the bin and liners and also a few packs of san pro. Just leave them on her bed for her. No need for a conversation she will get the idea. Maybe a couple of other toiletries too. Some make up wipes and a new toothbrush. If you have to say anything just say 'have been to Wilkos today, they had some good deals on toiletries so picked you a few up while I was there. And the little bin was on sale, lesve it in your room but remember to empty it before you go home so it's nice and fresh when you come again.'

My dd is 13 and been having periods for about a year and still gets flustered asking me for pads or telling me she doesn't want to swim etc. And we have a really close relationship. Don't embarrass her more. And she will absolutely appreciate a bin and pads for use at yours. And maybe chocolate too.

Looneytune253 · 14/07/2017 12:33

What?!?! If he's not willing to discuss it with his daughter (and he should be) then it's HIM that needs to speak to the mum not you!? Wow!!

Pistachiois50pmore · 14/07/2017 12:35

I wouldn't even mention periods tbh. If I was her, I'd like a breezy and cheery: "Oh by the way, I just realised you didn't have a bin in your bedroom so I got you a new one. I've put it in the corner and there's a pack of bin liners next to it. It's not a recycling one so you can just put whatever in it and knot the top when it's full. Thanks darling!"

HoHoHoHo · 14/07/2017 12:37

I'm not sure why the op is getting a hard time here.

Op I'm in your position - dp has kids i don't. I'd probably mention it to dp because i think as a parent he should know as its a sign that hos daughter is embarrassed about her body but as him not to mention it and buy her a bin. If it continued me or him would ask her to use the bin.

His eldest is 10 and i brought her some sanitary towels (i use a cup) and left them in the bathroom. I had an awkward 2 minutes when I showed here where they were and said she could use them of she needed to. She said she didn't need them yet so I said she could use them in the future if she needed to and that was the end of it. A bit awkward but I'd rather that than her starting her periods at ours and not knowing what to do.

PinkCrystal · 14/07/2017 12:39

Both my girls have left pads about. I just point it out to them and explain it's not acceptable to leave them in the bathroom etc. It was unintentional but careless over and over. However my DD and DH are very open about periods. I made sure of this as my own father was not approachable about these things and I once had to ask for pads when my mum was away. Was excruciating. Hence me making sure we were all open about periods. Dd 3 brothers don't bad an eyelid either if there is talk of periods.

I would get your DH to talk openly about periods and disposal. Make sure she has disposal bags and a bin handy. Leave packs of pads visible in the bathroom or toilet to normalize it.

MagdalenNoName · 14/07/2017 12:39

Why is everybody so embarrassed about periods?

Particularly if the father is useless, I think a little more directness is in order. Such as:-

'I've bought a), b) and c). Hopefully you'll find these useful when you're having a period. If there's anything else you need or would find helpful, please ask.'

It is, after all, a natural part of growing up.

deeedeee · 14/07/2017 12:41

yeah the more I think about it, the more I think that you shouldn't ever mention you found them.

The mortification you feel as a teenage girl is horrifying and it does totally feel like the end of the world. If she's finding it hard to interact with you anyway you don't need to make a situation where she will be mortified.

I agree, just tell her you've realised that you didn't put a bin in her room, you're sorry, there's one there now. and that's that.

YourFace · 14/07/2017 12:42

I'd get them out and make a trail out of them from her bedroom to the bin outside. That should give her the message you want to deliver.

Failing that I would just put them in the bin and not mention it. She'll notice eventually they have been disposed of and that might deliver the same message in a more gentle manner.

Either way, don't forget to wash your hands afterwards.

Poor love. Imagine being young and on the blob and you can't discuss it with other your dad or your step mum. Reminds me of my own childhood.

Original poster

betteroffwithouthim · 14/07/2017 12:45

Elendon - I am their step mum and their father's partner. Not sure what your point is really? They call me by my Christian name and I wouldn't want to be called anything else. I'm not trying to be their mum they have a perfectly good one. I think I'm a good role model and do my best to make their time with us as nice and comfortable as possible. Just because their parents split when they were children and their father found a new partner does not make me worthy of criticism.

OP posts:

Minkyfluffster · 14/07/2017 12:52

I wouldn't say anything and would just buy a bin, put it in her room with a liner in it ready for use.

MackerelOfFact · 14/07/2017 12:53

Definitely don't mention it! Just get her a bin, as others have said. I suspect she just forgot to take the box (which isn't that different to a bin, really, is it?) outside.

This reminds me of when I was staying with my aunt once when I was about 15. I had accidentally left a used pad in my knickers when getting dressed. She went into my room a bit later to collect clothes to wash, found the used pad still attached, and gave me a lecture about proper disposal of pads and how disgusting it was for her to have to find it. I was mortified but at the same time a bit like "WTF were you doing going through my dirty clothes anyway? I didn't ask or expect you to!"

marymarytoocontrary · 14/07/2017 12:55

Why isn't her father talking to her? And "he's not confortable with it" is not a good reason.
I'm not very comfortable with plenty of the shitty bits of parenting but then I guess that penis gets one out of a lot of that, hey?

Shiftymake · 14/07/2017 12:56

I have a dsd and I brought her these scented colored nappy bags, and showed her where the pads are with if you need them, help yourself. She thanked me and the same problem, although we have a more open relationship, has stopped. She used to hide them in random places.. the look on my face when picking one up before realizing what it was is something I am thankful for not being caught on camera. Don't make it a problem, just show her the solutions and its ok and nothing to worry about.

Hawkmoth · 14/07/2017 12:57

"Periods are normal but you need to clear up your own."

We had a similar stashing issue which stunk the house out before it was discovered.

Focus on the practicalities, stop with all the sensitivity. It happens to us all! it's important that they know how to deal with towels and leaks without fuss... get the sheet in the wash, bin the knickers etc.

Mari50 · 14/07/2017 12:59

Why is everyone communicating by telepathy and code?
So many people saying they wouldn't say anything- why not?
Personally I'd buy some bags for the used sanpro and a bin and just casually mentioned that I had and just to put any waste in the bin and I'd deal with it. No big deal but an acknowledgement that it's needed.
I'd hate to think of my DD going to her dads house and not knowing what to do with her sanpro and hiding them out of embarrassment. I'd also hate to think her dad's partner communicated by just leaving things around and not even talking to her. I'm shit at communication and even I don't do that.

wibblywobblywoo · 14/07/2017 13:06

little bags Epsom salts etc Would a 13 year old even know what Epsom salts are let alone what to do with them? Anyway.....

OP pretty bin plus bin bags is the way to go "DSD I realised you haven't got your own bin so I've popped one in your room, hope I picked a nice colour!"

Elendon 5 posts? To say what? Maybe a personal drum you are banging there against step-mums?

Livelovelaugheveryday · 14/07/2017 13:09

Hiya
This must have been disgusting to find! And I wouldn't be pleased with it either I'm not a step parent but this could be the breakthrough for you!
Get the little bin as suggested and the liners buy some pads tampons hygiene wipes ect and pop them in her draw and when she next visit ask if you can have a little chat and tell her what you have done for her and that if she needed anything else to let you know an you'll be happy to help this chat could actually bring down that Barrier as as silly as it sounds you both have this monthly problem in common I also believe you being the adult you really should be making that move I have an amazing relationship with my step mother and this is something she has done for me as a young girl and it put me at ease and made me more comfortable in her house please try this
Good luck xx

Original poster

betteroffwithouthim · 14/07/2017 13:18

My DP probably is at fault for not wanting to talk about this with his daughter but I'd have been mortified if my dad had started talking to me about it at any age! I'll buy the bin and bags and a few nice bits for a basket inher room and tell her they're there for her use. She's not stupid she'll know the tissue box has gone and why the bin has appeared. I won't embarrass her by talking about it. Thanks for all your advice.

OP posts:

MagdalenNoName · 14/07/2017 13:41

I do think there is something that any responsible adult has to take on about modelling good communication.

My husband and I took my teenager stepdaughter and her friend on holiday. They were about 14. Stepdaughter's friend bled all over the sheets. Stepdaughter then came up with ridiculous fabrication about them having picked blackberries and rolled all over the sheets.

I'd not anticipated such accidents - and felt it wasn't a brilliant thing to have happened. Spouse ended up spending a very boring time at the campsite laundrette.

It seemed very important to tell the girls that a) it was obviously about having a period at night and nothing to do with blackberries b) fruit juice could have been soaked out, but we needed to launder the sheets and c) if they needed any additional supplies I had tampons with me.

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