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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask OH for more money...

101 replies

HannahMontannaBeachTowel · 12/07/2017 12:30

I am currently on maternity leave and only receive Mat Allowence.
OH is working full time with plenty of overtime.
We pay half for food, bills, mortgage and car (we also have his work car). We have separate account we just put half on each of our cards. OH does tend to pay for takeout (every fortnight or so).
However I pay for DD's nappies, formula, wipes, new clothes ect out of my money. Also in the week I often do top up shops which adds up to about another £30 a week.
Would it be unreasonable for OH to leave some money at home for me to use during the week to buy the top up shops with?

OP posts:
ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 12/07/2017 12:42

Not unreasonable at all. I'm surprised youve been able to half anything on mat pay!

I'm on mat leave ATM and my DH and I pay money into a joint acc where all bills and household items (including for baby) get paid out of. We then have around £200 each left for ourselves. He pays in over 5 times more into the account than I do but it's fair as we end up with the same amount of "spending money".

You shouldn't have to struggle if he has plenty, you're a family and should be equal.

Cocochops · 12/07/2017 12:46

Agree with above poster can't believe you are still paying half of everything with a reduction in your pay. Think you and oh should go through bills a work out fairer cobtribution to joint bills for you and then you will be left with more of your maternity allowance and won't have to ask for more money.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 12/07/2017 12:48

Did you not have any conversations before your pregnancy about how to manage your finances while you were mat leave? I'm amazed you've been coping. And why on earth are you paying for everything for your DD out of just your money?

Parker231 · 12/07/2017 12:48

Why do you not have access to all family money?

Original poster
HannahMontannaBeachTowel · 12/07/2017 12:49

Thank you. Luckily i had savings before DD was born so money for bills comes out of that. Fortunately I get paid full wage from July 21st as I work in a school and can get paid over summer.

OP posts:
NellieFiveBellies · 12/07/2017 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AceholeRimmer · 12/07/2017 12:51

Yes why is it not the family pot!? I don't get this arrangement at all.

HipsterHunter · 12/07/2017 12:51

This is so crazy!

Why on earth would you still pay half whilst you have reduced income because you are CARING FOR HIS CHILD?

The number of people who don't discuss this before getting pg astounds me.

Original poster
HannahMontannaBeachTowel · 12/07/2017 12:53

Hipster DD wasn't planned Confused

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 12/07/2017 12:54

Good God this needs to be addressed now. You are earning far less because you are at home caring for his child. Obviously he contributes to that. Ideally you have equal access to money and no nitpicking.

Explain you are now on a much reduced income and need to sort out the finances going forwards. Do not ask for cash handouts. That utterly demeaning.

MagicMoneyTree · 12/07/2017 12:56

Ok, she wasn't planned, but you had 9 months to talk about it before she came along. Wouldn't it be fairer to pool all your money, use it to pay for bills, essentials, etc and then agree a budget each for "spends" ? And I would class food top ups, nappies and things for DD as essentials, not spends!

DixieFlatline · 12/07/2017 12:57

DD wasn't planned

They tend to come with enough advance warning for a discussion to take place, surely?

JigglyTuff · 12/07/2017 12:57

So because your DD wasn't planned, he doesn't have to pay for her? I think the CMS might have something to say about that Hmm

HotelEuphoria · 12/07/2017 12:57

How much does he pay into your account for the child minding and presumably the cooking, shopping, house work and laundry you are doing for him at the moment?

Or is that a 50/50 split too?

Janeinthemiddle · 12/07/2017 12:58

Definitely NBU! he needs to pay for his child.

Original poster
HannahMontannaBeachTowel · 12/07/2017 13:00

She only came with a few months warning Shock but yes that is not the point we should have discussed it beforehand. I have spoken to him about family money before but he dismissed it. I worry he'll say I've wasted my money or just bring up occasions when he's treated me such as paying for meals out ect.

OP posts:
Justhadmyhaircut · 12/07/2017 13:00

Hope you bill him for childcare and housekeeping cost. .

WillRikersExtraNipple · 12/07/2017 13:01

People raise children like this? He's not supporting his child in anyway.

MagicMoneyTree · 12/07/2017 13:04

He can still treat you out of his spends - that doesn't have to stop ;)

HattiesBackpack · 12/07/2017 13:05

OP don't feel bad, my 1st was unplanned and it wasn't until my Maternity Pay finished and I stopped having a regular income that it even occurred to me that me and DH needed to share finances!

Have an honest chat about what you need - so money to cover your expenses, for example mobile, baby bits, grocery money, and 'walking around money' (i.e. Pocket money), i think being honest and realistic here helps, dont leave yourself short.

crazypenguinlady · 12/07/2017 13:09

I don't normally comment on these types of threads but you really need to try and sit him down. It's unfair to expect you to not only pay half for other stuff as well.

I'm on maternity leave and only receive SMP. DP covers all household bills. Our money isn't joint but it works for us (with my agreement!) As I'm not always the greatest with money management where DP is. However is very generous and if I need anything, I just say to him or for e.g. simply tell him if we need anything for the baby and he buys it without question. My money goes towards a loan I had before I met DP, the running of my car and odds bits if we need anything or for the baby etc.

Ask him honestly how would he feel if Only receiving a small income and you were on a decent wage but was expected to pay half for anything, and stuff for the baby? I hope you get it sorted OP as it's really unfair on you.

InDubiousBattle · 12/07/2017 13:10

You need to sit down and do a proper budget with him. One that reflect the childcare you are doing and your reduced income. As you say you're on mat leave I assume you're going back to work? How will drop offs/pick ups work? Who will cover childcare?

Tbh the only time when I've seen a system of separate money work is when both parties earn more or less the same and do more or less the same childcare....ie very rarely!

Him dismissing family money would be a major red flag to me. Are you married or planning to be?

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 12/07/2017 13:13

Wow. Do you really want to be with a man and raise a child with a man who won't pay for his child and instead might throw it back in your face that he paid for dinner at some point?!

You need to sit down with your figures and have a proper conversation about budgets and plans.

blackteasplease · 12/07/2017 13:14

You have taken a massive pay cut to stay at home and look after your child? He carries on as normal. You have to dip into savings. He doesn't. You also pay for child related expenses on top. He isn't pay for this, just the odd treats.

Can you see this is unfair OP?

Either it's all joint or he pays in significantly more than you, as a matter of course, not as a favour to be lorded over you. Or you bill him for childcare and house keeping.

His excuse about you saying he has wasted money doesn't make any sense.

Also being the one paying for "treats" rather than basics as a supposed contribution on his part is a good trick, because he gets to be the one in control of what treats are bought putting him in a position of power over you.

Bear2014 · 12/07/2017 13:23

This should definitely be a non issue and there should be a joint account card or similar that you have access to to pay for yours and DD's essentials when on mat leave. You don't have to turn it into 'begging for money' or a confrontation - I would keep it quite light and ask if he thinks it would be easier if you set up a joint account, both paid in what you could afford/a percentage of your income each month and then everything gets paid out of there.

If you don't have access to any family money and have to ask every time you need anything or rely on treats, then that is not right. At worst, it is financial abuse.