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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask OH for more money...

101 replies

HannahMontannaBeachTowel · 12/07/2017 12:30

I am currently on maternity leave and only receive Mat Allowence.
OH is working full time with plenty of overtime.
We pay half for food, bills, mortgage and car (we also have his work car). We have separate account we just put half on each of our cards. OH does tend to pay for takeout (every fortnight or so).
However I pay for DD's nappies, formula, wipes, new clothes ect out of my money. Also in the week I often do top up shops which adds up to about another £30 a week.
Would it be unreasonable for OH to leave some money at home for me to use during the week to buy the top up shops with?

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 12/07/2017 14:01

We've always taken the view that we aim to have the same each left over, regardless of who earns the most . And a lot of the time that has been me. That always seemed the fairest way to do things.

I echo the people who've suggest doing a joint budget. It's the only way.

thereallochnessmonster · 12/07/2017 14:03

Why on earth are you paying for all that, OP?

Even if your dd wasn't planned, you still had 9 months to talk about money when the baby was here and how you would manage things!

It's insane for you to be paying for stuff from your savings when your dh could just step up and pay a bit more!!

In this situation I'd say all money should be family money. You shouldn't have to ASK for money to support yourself and your dc.
It's his child too.

Have you spoken to him about it??

WindyTriller · 12/07/2017 14:05

DH earns 80% of our household income. A couple of years ago we sat down and worked out the total bills including food shopping and everything DS1 needed such as nappies, formula, clothes, activities etc. We then set up a joint account and each month after we get paid we each have a standing order which goes into it. DH's is for 80% of the bills and mine is for 20% of the bills. So we thererfore each pay a fair proportion of the bills based on our income. It works really well for us.

I am on mat leave now with DS2 and will shortly go onto nil pay so going on the basis of paying a fair proportion of the bills based on earnings DH will pay 100% and I will pay zero. Once I go back to work it will revert to 80% & 20%.

EmmaJR1 · 12/07/2017 14:07

Not unreasonable at all! I'm on mat leave right now and I pay nothing towards the household bills also my DH pays for all the shopping that includes all the baby stuff and any toiletries or treats I might see when shopping. If I do top up shops he pays me back.

You're 1/2 of a partnership and as such what's his is yours.

HellonHeels · 12/07/2017 14:12

Shocked by this thread.

OP you should leave him and put in a claim for child maintenance. That would give you a lot more money than he's currently providing, which is next to none.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 12/07/2017 14:21

I'm not shocked by this thread at all. They appear daily. Yet another woman not having her contribution respected and being open to financial abuse.
It's so depressing.

Op you must sort this pronto.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 12/07/2017 14:23

If he refuses to share all the money to start with, you could try a 'house account' from which mortgage, bills, baby costs and food come out of.

But I'm really shocked that the father of your child is expecting you to use up your savings to buy nappies while his income is unaffected.

Why don't you try to work out a realistic family budget and then sit down with him and explain that family costs are shared. If he does carry on being a dick then @HellonHeels is right - he'll have to pay far more towards his child if you leave him.

LeakyLittleBoat · 12/07/2017 14:27

He treats you to takeaways? What a prince he isn't.
I can't get my head around a married couple with a child still acting as if they're dating. You're a family, the money that comes in should be family money but, if you insist on separate finances, then inequality of income should be addressed with a proportional payment toward all ALL baby expenses, unplanned or not she's his child, and towards all joint household expenditure such as top up shopping.

Lostin3dspace · 12/07/2017 14:38

Speaking as a victim of long term financial abuse which got worse over time, this happened to me. My now ExH expected me to continue to contribute equally to the account. I also bought a lot of baby related items, particularly clothes, out of my maternity allowance. I was angry about this, and there were arguments, but he refused. He also treated himself to a holiday, and a big ticket item (motorbike) and tried to pretend he couldn't see the problem with it when I exploded.
Fast forward, during the marriage, he also stole my bank details, helped himself to my income for bills without my knowledge or consent, signed up for mortgages 'for me' etc.
You can guess how smoothly the financial settlement went. He is still financially abusive to this day; he just has less levers (the children, unfortunately)
So, nip this in the bud. Lay down the law, or leave and claim maintenance. If this is deliberate, then you will save yourself a lot more grief and financial loss. If not, he should come around if the message is forceful enough. Good luck.

cordeliavorkosigan · 12/07/2017 14:40

That setup is totally unfair to you and you shouldn't accept it for another minute.

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 12/07/2017 14:48

Totally unfair to make you pay half when on mat leave and much reduced pay. I know it's dramatic but I find it outrageous that he would even suggest such a thing.

And before OP says it, no, he is not a great dad or a good father. He is taking the mick.

It may be that it hasn't occured to him if he lives under a rock and is incredibly dense but the current setup needs to change or your (justified) resentment will kill your relationship.

choli · 12/07/2017 14:58

Is your name on the mortgage and on your home as well as his? If not, he is just using you as a way to get half of his bills paid.

lemureyes · 12/07/2017 15:11

AttilaTheMeerkat,
I forgot to add that I actually manage finances between both of our accounts. So while money is in his name it is actually family money. So any money he gives me goes into my account so I don't have to worry about having enough. So I manage any savings etc between us.

I only have cash because a job I have is paid in cash and my husband doesn't get chance to go to the bank because he works so many hours so can't get to the bank. Plus our electricity bill is not expensive in the slightest so I don't mind paying it.

I decided to use my maternity pay to buy things for the baby because anything left between us will be saved for a house.

I am perfectly happy with the set up we have and it is no way controlling. May seem like it when I write it down but it really isn't, he would never let us go without anything.

Also my bank account is not suffering because of this arrangement.

Original poster
HannahMontannaBeachTowel · 12/07/2017 15:14

We are both named on the mortgage.
I know it was wrong. I just don't know how to broach the subject without causing a row and a lot of upset.

OP posts:
Foniks · 12/07/2017 15:17

Sit down by yourself and work out what percentage of his income will be most helpful, then tell him you'll both put whatever % of your own incomes into a joint account for the household and DD.

He's one of those people who just see it as "I paid £100 she paid £50" instead of looking at how much that person is truly contributing according to what they're paid and can afford. They actually think it's unfair. If you work it out as a percentage he'll (hopefully) see that really it's fair on both of you instead of just seeing the amount.

There is no reason you should be paying most for the child he had a hand in creating. Don't let it slide now, because it will get more difficult to change things the longer this goes on.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 12/07/2017 15:21

I know it was wrong. I just don't know how to broach the subject without causing a row and a lot of upset

If you don't you will face years of resentment

DJBaggySmalls · 12/07/2017 15:32

It sounds like he has rejected his child. Its financial abuse, you can call Womens Aid for a chat if you need some support and advice.

Rubies12345 · 12/07/2017 15:34

Why won't he pay for half the nappies, formula etc? If you were separated he would be forced to pay child support, so why will he not pay for things if he lives in the same house as her

PurplePeppers · 12/07/2017 15:35

YABU and massively too.
Why on earth is your DH, the FATHER of this child, not pays at least 50% fo what it costs to have a child?
Why on earth are you paying the same amount than him whilst on ML and not at least in proportion to your current income?
Why is it ok for you to dip into your savings whilst he is building his?
Why should be resentful or cause an argument if you ask for a fairer system re payments?

You are acting as if this baby was your responsibility. From the fact she was accident to the fact you are earning less and there are most costs going in.

Stop it. You are both responsible for the situation, both responsible to have brought that child in the world. Both responsible for the loss of income. Both responsible for the added cost. And that means both responsibel to handle the situation in such way that you are all confortable with it. Not you depriving yourself from things, struggling to buy clothes and food and nappies for your (together) baby. Not you worrying about th slack of money whilst he is relaxing in the knowledge that after all, that wasn't so bad was it???

You NEED to have a chat with him. But first of all, you NEED to be convinced yourself that this is OK to ask him to review your arrangement and get a better, fairer arrangement until you go back to work/have more money etc...

PurplePeppers · 12/07/2017 15:38

Tbh bar the fact that if you don't actually chnage the system, you will be th wine stressed out etc...
It's worth remembering that I ftou were to separate, all the savings etc.. would go into the pot. There wouldn't be his and you savings. So you using your savings to be able to live on whilst he is building his actually makes no difference at all.
Bar making him feel better about the situation, like he is 'better' and 'safer' because he has more savings.
The reality is that they are both yurs and would be shared 50/50.

Also agree about CM. In a really bad world, i would hope he would be paying at least that into the pot.

SonicBoomBoom · 12/07/2017 15:40

He seems to be under the misapprehension that the DD he was 50% responsible for is just your responsibility.

Why?

Maria1982 · 12/07/2017 15:44

Like windy above we contribute to a joint account based on our earnings - he earns twice what I do just through being in a different industry! (Same years of experience etc).

It is completely unfair for you to dig in to your savings to carry on contributing half when you're on maternity leave! She may have been unplanned but she isn't just your responsibility

The fact you worry about raising the subject worries me as well- you should be able to raise things without fear of being shouted at. It may be an uncomfortable discussion, as he should realise how unfair he has been so far, but I hope you can both take it calmly and work through it.

Quartz2208 · 12/07/2017 15:48

why would helping out with his child cause upset?

BewareOfDragons · 12/07/2017 15:48

Just show him the thread and the responses.

If he honestly thinks he is still doing right by you and your child after reading this thread, then you should seriously consider leaving him. Honestly, with 'support' like that, you'd be better off on your own with your DC. At least then you'd get working tax credits and he'd have to pay you more support towards his child.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 12/07/2017 16:07

@HannahMontannaBeachTowel
"I just don't know how to broach the subject without causing a row and a lot of upset"

It will cause you far more upset if you don't tackle it now. Don't leave it like this or he will continue to abuse you. It will get worse as he gets away with it without challenge.

Please take heart from what you read on here. He's not behaving well. he's treating you and your baby badly. He's not fulfilling his role as parent.