To ask OH for more money...

[HannahMontannaBeachTowel]

I am currently on maternity leave and only receive Mat Allowence.
OH is working full time with plenty of overtime.
We pay half for food, bills, mortgage and car (we also have his work car). We have separate account we just put half on each of our cards. OH does tend to pay for takeout (every fortnight or so).
However I pay for DD's nappies, formula, wipes, new clothes ect out of my money. Also in the week I often do top up shops which adds up to about another £30 a week.
Would it be unreasonable for OH to leave some money at home for me to use during the week to buy the top up shops with?

We have always had one joint account. Over the years one of us has earned more than the other and vice verse plus we have both had periods where one didn't work. We have a budget for the bills and recurrent expenses, save some and only discuss large purchases. We're fortunate enough that there is normally enough spare for standard spends like clothes, haircuts, nights out etc. I can see the sense in both partners having a savings account each, but not his money/my money etc.

I was in this situation over ten years ago. I desperately wish now that I'd been able to get and act on the advice I posted earlier. I stumbled along, keeping the peace, choosing to trust in the hope of a better relationship. It didn't happen, and to realise that my financial abuser probably never loved me, but saw me only as a means to procreate and use me as a credit facility is quite galling and I am very very bitter about the total financial waste of my entire adult life.
I think he actually consciously played a long game in order to acquire property he wouldn't have been able to without me.
I hate him now. I only deal with him in writing.The only reason I don't wish death on him is his children would be upset.

Please don't allow your situation to develop into mine.

Also have a unplanned DD.

When we moved in together, which was after dd was born. We printed out all bills/essential outgoings and all income.

I don't like the idea of all in one pot, so we have a joint account for all bills, food shopping, petrol other essentials. I'm only getting child benefit and mat pay and not going back to work as I start uni in September. So my boyfriend puts enough in the joint account + extra for variables. Then what he has left is split equally three ways, me, him and joint savings. He transfers it online as soon as he gets paid.

Get a your incomings and outgoings together, keep receipts for your DC's things if it might help and sit him down and say, what are we going to do about money now.

Will you be going back to work? Will he be paying 50% of childcare if you do? Does he do 50% of housework now and will he do 50% of childcare/drop off pick ups etc, if you go back to work?

When you say you pay half on your card, his do you do it? Is it transferred into another account? How about saying I can't afford X and Y this month as DC needed (whatever you've bought recently) and I've not enough money left!

OP - don't bother working out percentage contributions and all this. Does he realise that most people just pool all their money and then budget from that? You both have access to the joint account and that's it.

How can you cope with this attitude? What does him buying the odd takeaway have to do with anything? I just can't believe this.

It probably will cause upset to challenge this because it's a situation that's benefiting him at the cost of his partner and child.

However, it's so worth doing.

I'm writing this assuming there's no issues with whether he wanted the child, and that you are not in an abusive relationship (although I'd honestly say what you are experiencing is unfair and that you're worried about raising this makes me question whether this is part of a larger pattern of control?).

You need a budget. Start adding up the household bills. Use a budget template such as provided by money advice service and money saving expert. Have this info on hand when you talk to him. You need to explain that the current situation is unsustainable. The carrot is that by dividing your responsibilities more fairly and working together, you can improve your family finances and plan for stuff you both want to do. Right now he is living with a partner who is unhappy and struggling. He could help to make this situation better, for all of you. (This is actually the bit I find so stupid about his behaviour - he is actually making his own life more difficult). Each of you has more than a financial contribution to help the household run. Right now, you're caring for your child. That is your contribution. If you paid someone else to do it, it would cost a lot more than it would for him to support you.

The classic way to work out a bill split, if you're not comfortable with a joint family budget, is to work out your total household income is and how much each of your incomes are as a percentage of that. Then look at how much your total monthly bills and food are. Each of you should be contributing to that in the same percentage as your household income.

So say your monthly incomings are £3k, for the sake of easy maths. You contribute £1k and he contributes £2k. You contribute 33% of household income, he contributes 66%. Say your bills are £2k a month (again, give me easy maths!). He would put in £1320, you would put in £660. It's still slightly unfair as he would end up with more disposable income than you but it might be a start as you move towards more equitable family budget. If you are able to joint budget it means you can pool resources to save for things like holidays, refurbs, retirement etc etc . But I wouldn't start with a joint budget right away as there's clearly some other issues going on.

Still, there's a possible way for you to illustrate to him why your current arrangement is not sustainable. You are currently probably contributing 100% of your income or more to living expenses. Your savings should not count as income in this scenario.

My situation is similar - on mat leave while DP works full time. Our joint bills including childcare and kid costs are £2000 a month, split dependent on our incomes which at the moment means he pays 78% of the joint bills. This still leaves him with a lot more disposable income than me, but I am managing. If the disparity in income goes on for a long time i would look at splitting disposable income equally, but at the moment I have some savings which he does not so I feel we both have access to what we need. Tell your OH that you are struggling every month and look at what you are both putting in and have left, I think it might shock him.

Write up a budget. List everything it costs to run the home, including the baby's needs.

Then sit DH down and say:
"I've been working out how much we need for essentials each month. Look - here is the list. Looks a lot when it's written down. Now, I've stupidly been taking money out of my savings to pay for things, which obviously isn't fair. The adult way of handling this would be for us both to put our income into a joint account, take out an equal amount each for 'pocket money' and both have access to the joint account for family expenses. I've looked into good bank accounts and this one seems to meet our needs. Shall we go in on Saturday to set it up?"

Why would it cause a row to discuss family income and expenditure? Does your OH not realise you are not working and therefore have no income?

I just don't know how to broach the subject without causing a row and a lot of upset.

Wow. There's something seriously wrong with the whole relationship if this is how you feel.

The conversation should go like this:

You: Hey, DP, why am I paying half the bills and mortgage when I'm earning less because I'm on maternity leave, having just given birth to our beautiful daughter?

DP: God, you're right, that's a bit unfair isn't it?

You say you pay half but you don't! He doesn't pay half towards his daughter's expenses so he is paying less than half!

Oh I missed in your OP when you say you're paying for your daughter.

So he doesn't think he has to pay for his own child then?

Sympathies. My dh pays all the bills but still has far more disposable income than I do. He's like your dh, very old fashioned and still kind of sees it as 'his' money. Unfortunately I never could adjust to not having my own income anymore when I became a sahm and started racking up a credit card bill. Now I get moaned at because I'm struggling to clear the balance every month. Ironically I probably use it to buy the kids more stuff than myself. He has offered to help but not without a lot of complaining. I didn't ask, by the way, it's my mess and I'll try and sort it out.

The worst thing is he's just inherited a large amount of money and wouldn't even let me see it. We're having some work done on the house and every time I get an invoice from someone I have to get dh to pay it because I can't access any of the inheritance. Mind you after he saw my credit card bill he probably doesn't trust me.

I was a SAHM for 10 years, returned to work part time then full time and am now retired. From the outset we pooled our income, deducted the bills, allocated each other an equal amount of 'spending money' and put anything left over in savings. I can't see how anything else is remotely fair.

you should maybe invoice your OH for the childcare you provide whilst he is at work without without worrying about childcare.

How are you going about childcare fees once you are back to work?

I am a SAHM, I do not contribute any money. We have a joint account and it is OUR money. No questions asked.

Fucking hell. I know it's easy for me to say and don't get me wrong my dh can be a bit of a twat in many ways but I don't know how people can continue in a relationship like some I'm hearing on here. Makes me bloody sad. My dh just got a pretty large sum of money from a relative and the first thing he said was "now we can get your teeth fixed and all of the stuff that's been sitting in the UK for years shipped over."

For me at least being a tight ass is a trait that would be a deal breaker.

MsAdora,your situation sounds just as bad. So he has to HELP to pay back expenditure spent on the family? Whilst he keeps his spare cash? For better for worse, for richer for poorer and all that shizz. It's meant to be a partnership.

bizarre and complicated arrangement... we pay all our money into joint account and each take out 500 for ourselves and all joint expenses - house, baby, meals out together etc from joint funds! we are equal and my staying at home with baby to enable him to work - just as valid a contribution!

yep, show him how much he'd be paying for FT childcare. the knob!

Msadora why are you with such a financiallly controlling man I suspect you would be much better off divorcing him

If you can't have a conversation about how you are both now committed to being a family and budgeting as a family then you really have to think whether you have a future together.
It sounds as though he may be in denial about what fatherhood means, maybe?
Does he have a parent or older friend who can explain to him that he is supposed to be supporting his partner and child financially and needs to man up?

I left my DD's dad over this, he was a controlling prick who always used to go on about money, I had to live on £80 a month cb which he moaned about when he got above 50k telling me he didnt want me to have it. I have narcolepsy & cannot work at the minute he refused to support me at all while he was buying a lotus sports car and buying houses, I live in a flat now he pays me £400 a month and its great he doesn't get to tell me what to do.

Fuck that! Livid on your behalf! Are you living together? If so, all money should be pooled and used as family money! You are not solely responsible for paying for your child. If not living together can you claim child maintenance?

If you were separated he would pay you money for your child and by the sounds of things you would be better off. Why do people in 2017 still take the attitude that a man should control the family finances and a woman should just have to live with what he decides? Please have a firm conversation with him now and explain that you will not be contributing half to the bills etc. Have a figure in mind and explain that you are keeping back the rest for your child. It's none of his business whether you have spent your savings or not. I would also make a plan for when/if you go back to work so that you both know where you stand. Even if you go back full time there will be childcare costs etc. Who will pay these?