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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask OH for more money...

101 replies

HannahMontannaBeachTowel · 12/07/2017 12:30

I am currently on maternity leave and only receive Mat Allowence.
OH is working full time with plenty of overtime.
We pay half for food, bills, mortgage and car (we also have his work car). We have separate account we just put half on each of our cards. OH does tend to pay for takeout (every fortnight or so).
However I pay for DD's nappies, formula, wipes, new clothes ect out of my money. Also in the week I often do top up shops which adds up to about another £30 a week.
Would it be unreasonable for OH to leave some money at home for me to use during the week to buy the top up shops with?

OP posts:
eatabagofdicks · 12/07/2017 13:24

You may as well just be single. If he's going to refuse to help support you and your child then he is controlling you with finances. So he swans around in his money and leaves his oh to struggle. Good god. Honestly.

HipsterHunter · 12/07/2017 13:26

If he doesn't believe in 'family' money but expects you to lok after the baby and not earn money on ML whilst still paying 1/2, then give him a fuck off bill for every hour he is out of the house at work.

And bill him for half the god dam nappies etc!

There is a saying "listen when they tell you who they are"

He is telling you who he is. A horrib;le, selfish, mean person who is not a good partner or father.

AnathemaPulsifer · 12/07/2017 13:27

How on earth is it fair that you alone are paying for your DC? And decimating your savings to pay half of the rest of it?! No chance.

Nearly10to9 · 12/07/2017 13:31

However I pay for DD's nappies, formula, wipes, new clothes ect out of my money. Also in the week I often do top up shops which adds up to about another £30 a week.

Seriously why are you paying for everything for the child you both made??

Why do grown up women do this?

ThePants999 · 12/07/2017 13:33

If he doesn't accept the idea of "family money" then you need to charge him for the childcare you're providing.

Yorke00 · 12/07/2017 13:34

This type of post makes me feel so sad. How can he honestly think that it's ok not to pay anything towards the upkeep of his own child?! OP I'm currently in the last three months of a years mat leave and am not paying anything into the joint finances as all my maternity pay has finished. DP is covering everything until I go back to work, it would not have occurred to him to do anything else. While I was receiving maternity pay I paid a much reduced amount into the joint account. You shouldn't have to live like this- please sit down with your partner and have a discussion about the practicalities of your finances, but also about how this makes you feel.

Gothbaby · 12/07/2017 13:34

Of course! Its not like you are asking for shopping money/down the drain money. Its stuff for your baby! Me and mine have always gone halves on everything, but because I havent been able to get work or any allowance he is constantly saying if i need any money then to please ask him! And I would usually be a bit too proud and say its fine, but at the end of the day its 'our baby' so i see any extra cash i need to buy that isnt something to be too proud to ask for hahaha xxx

whatdoessheknow · 12/07/2017 13:36

Sorry I don't understand this set-up. You do live no with this man, right?

Does he not have a concept of supporting his child? You shouldn't have to be "asking" for anything.

What is wrong with him?

AfunaMbatata · 12/07/2017 13:39

The solution is simply have all money as one and take equal spends.

DonaldStott · 12/07/2017 13:39

I was going to say you are like a live in nanny, but at least they get wages!!!

What a horrible way to treat you. What an utter arsehole. How the fuck does he think you are managing? Why os the selfish dick not thinking, surely I should have LESS money.

If you split up, at least he would have to pay child maintenance.

What a prick. I cannot understand how you have put up with this.

Blahblahy · 12/07/2017 13:40

This makes me Sadand Angry.

There's a better calculator but I can't find it. This one doesn't actually let you add enough hours for somethings.

I probably do more than an average household as we grow our own food and cook everything from scratch but it said my salary would be $240,000. And that was missing off a lot of hours!

My dh didn't truly get how much I did until I left him at home with ds for a whole day. He barely coped with ds let alone the 1000s of other things I do to keep us all going.

Your partner is being ridiculous.

Blahblahy · 12/07/2017 13:40

Forgot link oops

m.interflora.co.uk/content/mum-salary-calculator/

Blahblahy · 12/07/2017 13:41

Oh and we have a joint account which all of our money goes in to. And when ds starts school i will still stay at home and still have access to all the family money. Because we're a family. A team.

lemureyes · 12/07/2017 13:42

I am on maternity leave at the moment and won't be returning to work. Me and my husband have an arrangement that he pays all the bills and food shopping etc. I have paid for bits and pieces for baby but not much as I have had a lot of things given to me from relatives. I pay for electricity as it's an old fashioned coin metre and I'm the only one that has cash (plus it's always good to say that I pay for one thing).

Once I finish maternity pay my husband has agreed to give me some money per month for bits and pieces as we won't be getting tax credits which would have gone to me for baby bits and pieces.

You need to discuss this with him and sort it all out. He should be giving you money for things you buy.

Quartz2208 · 12/07/2017 13:42

you have a mortgage and a baby he is being unreasonable. Yes she was unplanned but he played just a big a role in that as you did. HE needs to step up and take responsibility and pay more towards the running of the house.
Are you feeding him with the top up shops? You are not flatmates with separate food budgets
Otherwise why are you with him?

user1476869312 · 12/07/2017 13:42

Sit him down, discuss a fair family budget (the way to do this is that you combine everything coming in, work out what necessary outgoings there are (rent/mortgage, utilities like gas/eletricity, cable TV etc, food for all of you, things like nappies and clothes for the baby - babies grow fast and need new clothes fairly regularly, any other necessary expenses such as his travel to work/other work-related costs) - then split what's left as spending money. If he is resistant to this, start making plans to end the relationship, because a man who thinks that being the wage earner makes all money 'his' to be doled out to you as he sees fit, is a shit partner, shit father and likely to become progressively more abusive in other ways.

reetgood · 12/07/2017 13:47

Does he believe you're some kind of medical marvel, and the baby appeared with none of his participation? Is there some back story here re not everyone being on the same page re having a child?

This is a ridiculous situation and it boggles my mind that he thinks this is reasonable behaviour. You are a family, not two individuals. I know people may choose not to pool finances but you certainly need to be finding a more equitable way of sharing household responsibilities. Before we joined finances, my partner covered my rent for a couple of months when I was setting up a new business. His reasoning was that it was in our interest as a couple. Now my income covers up some of the gaps in his freelance gigs. We are an us, and if a baby doesn't reinforce that I don't know what will.

MagicMoneyTree · 12/07/2017 13:47

He should be giving you money for things you buy

The problem with this view is that it still implies that he is the one in charge.

What SHOULD happen is that they work out what gets spent, agree to a budget, and have access to that money each month.

reuset · 12/07/2017 13:47

You do realise this isn't ok, OP? Unfair to expect you to maintain half of the payments on maternity pay. You need to have a frank discussion, don't let him 'dismiss' you. Buying takeaway or treating you isn't a proper contribution to his child etc.

Blahblahy · 12/07/2017 13:50

Oh maybe also find out how much surrogate mothers get paid for the ballache of carrying a delivering a child. (Not you ds, obviously you were an angel Grin).

BloodWorries · 12/07/2017 13:52

I don't work due to health issues. DP does. I get a little in benefits (just over £400 a month). DP gets about £2000 a month.
All money goes into joint account, each month we both get the exact same amount of 'pocket money' everything else covers bills etc and any left over goes into savings.

We are a team, and although I'm not providing much at the moment I have done in the past and will in the future (health is slowly improving). He won't hold it against me just as I don't hold the past against him.

BloodWorries · 12/07/2017 13:53

As for you paying for all babies things, that's just crazy. Why isn't that a 50/50 split if that is how you agreed to doing things? She isn't just your child.

seventhgonickname · 12/07/2017 13:54

Don't dip into your savings if this deteriorates you may need it.
Buy stuff for the baby first,stock up for the month then when there is no food in the fridge because you have no money it might,just might occur to him that this isn't working.
You talk now and about what happens when you go back to work.No doubt you are doing all the cooking,cleaning ,childcare and that can't continue when you're back at work.If you don't sort this now you will resent it and having a second child will be out of the question.
Does he resent having your child or is he punishing you for the accident.
I can hear the crackle of tiny eggshells.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/07/2017 13:55

lemur,

re your comments-

" Me and my husband have an arrangement that he pays all the bills and food shopping etc. I have paid for bits and pieces for baby but not much as I have had a lot of things given to me from relatives. I pay for electricity as it's an old fashioned coin metre and I'm the only one that has cash (plus it's always good to say that I pay for one thing)".

I would re-negotiate this whole arrangement now with him because this is skewed totally in his favour. If you are not careful you will have no financial say at all in this relationship; it seems to be fast going that way now.

Why have you had to presumably pay solely for baby things; is this not his child and responsibility also?. Your last sentence in this post is sad on a number of levels; paying like this for electricity like is both very expensive and inefficient. Why is it you're the only one who has cash also?. You pay for more than one thing too and he also uses electricity.

re your comment:-

"Once I finish maternity pay my husband has agreed to give me some money per month for bits and pieces as we won't be getting tax credits which would have gone to me for baby bits and pieces".

Why isn't all the money joint and family money to begin with?.

He has agreed to give you some money like this; giving you an allowance is frankly demeaning to you and infantilises you. You are not a child but a fully functioning adult. It also gives him far more power and control in the relationship than you.

fruitbrewhaha · 12/07/2017 13:59

All our money is joint.
I find these thread incredibly strange and depressing.
Just pool your money and work out a budget.

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