To want mil to show more of an interest in ds

[Fortunatepiggy]

On holiday with in laws because we thought it would be nice to encourage them to spend more time with ds who is 5. Back story mil never really shown much interest. FIL slightly better. Live in separate countries so don't see each other often. When we FaceTime mil never comes to the iPad. Perhaps had too high expectations but MIL has spent most of the week in her room reading a book or on a sun lounger reading a book. Even when I've tried to encourage engagement with ds through an activity or a game she has declined or played for a few minutes before handing over to dh or fil. Dh and I may as well have been on hols on our own! Yesterday ds drew something quite impressive and she didn't even look up. I asked her to watch him when I went to the loo and when I came back she was reading her book and ignoring him. Feel so sad for ds and dh. Dh and I have had to stick ds in front of the iPad to get any sort of break even to shower or go to loo! Am I expecting too much? Should add mil has health issues to be fair which make her tired but seems to be able to have energy to shop etc when it suits her perfectly well!

YANBU to want MIL to show more of an interest but not everyone is enamoured of small children as you. What was she like as a mother to DH, hands on? hands off? And lets face it - if she was too hands on we'd be having and interfering MIL thread instead

She obviously doesnt like small children once, despite having some of her own a long time ago. She isnt interested and you cant make her be.
at least you know not to book a holiday with them again. ( maybe she realises you just wanted a baby sitter and is not playing that game on purpose and just wants to relax?)
let her go to the shops on her own too, little kids rarely like shopping!

Sounds like you want her there as childcare. Does your ds have some SN that he needs to be watched while you shower?

If they are from a different country it's possible they have different expectations. In many Asian countries for example it's quite normal for adults to ignore young kids until they need to be reprimanded.

Good point @hirples. My dd is 5 and doesn't need to be watched while I'm in the shower. If SEN is the case then it's possible she has deliberately removed herself from the situation because she doesn't know.

He's 5, he really doesn't need interacting with every minute of the day like this. So what if she was reading whilst you went to the loo?! What do you do at home?!

Young kids can be very hard work and if they aren't tour own, really irritating. Grandparents are still human beings who can be bored playing with small children like the rest of us. It doesnt mean they don't love your son.

It was their holiday too, and they were entitled to relax however they saw fit.

No but we are in villa with a pool so I need him to be watched by someone if I shower.

I get that she might not like small children but I wanted her to build some sort of relationship with her grandson. She spends all her time at home in her room reading books so I suppose that's just what she does but I thought it might be a bit more of an incentive for her to cone out of her room to spend time with and engage her only grandchild

You are right though lesson learned! We only did it because we have holidayed with my parents for the past few years and felt guilty and that in laws were missing out or might feel resentful.

Didn't expect childcare at all. We went with my parents last year who are the complete opposite and very engaged with ds and we didn't go out together once even though they offered but I suppose I had hoped when we are all dripping wet from the pool mil might offer to dry ds or sit with him whilst I cooked everyone's tea but maybe that was expecting too much!

And we are all from Britain just different countries so no issue there

We go on holiday with pils. They don't watch or entertain the kids at all, it's their holiday too! They would look at a drawing and join in conversations though and generally be pleasant and chatty. But not actually do any childcare.
Could you and dh watch him when the other had a shower?

Just to add not all piks would be bothered if they didn't get to go on holiday with the grandkids. They can be very noisy /tiring / for old people whose idea of a good time is a week reading a book undisturbed!

Yes 2014 that's what we have been doing if we need showers but dh was in the shower and I needed the loo so I asked mil to watch him because of the pool

I get that they don't need interacting with all the time but she barely interacts with him at all and it makes me sad

YABU to expect her to spend her holiday entertaining a small child (not everyone likes kids, especially when they're not their own), but YANBU to wish she was more interested. It's a shame, but not all grandparents enjoy being hands-on and you can't expect them to.

Some grandparents aren't interested in their grandchildren which is quiet sad but that's their choice I guess. Don't let it ruin your holiday OP.

Quite*

Just focus on the FIL instead. My MIL was brilliant with the DC when they were little, FIL totally uninterested. Sounds like you've just got the reverse of this.

My mother hasn't seen my kids for 6 years. My sister visited once, 9 years ago. Seriously just be happy she wants to hang out with you!

And she is relaxing all the time. She hasn't lifted a finger dh and I are making dinner and drinks and lunch for everyone and cleaning and washing up so it's not like she is doing that stuff instead!

It's just frustrating when we did this for them. I guess we need to just treat it as an opportunity that we have provided to let her get to know her only grandson better and if she doesn't embrace it that's up to her!!

Better lay off the vino tonight as I might say something! Have been biting my tongue all week😡

You have an idea of what she should be doing and she isn't living up to that expectation. TBH, she doesn't have too. I don't mean to sound harsh and I totally get your point l, but that's what it comes down to. My SIL has no interest in my children and it has really grated. But these days I accept it as her loss. She is the one who won't have a relationship with her niece and nephew. You reap what you sow.

My father is the same. I just remind myself how I plan on giving him the same level of attention he gives my children as he ages. Fuck all.

I'd be disappointed too. 5 is a really fun age although my dd still doesn't have a great attention span and mostly likes running round.

It's important to keep an eye on little ones around a pool so I'd be upset mil didn't bother. Give her the benefit of the doubt and make it extra clear this time. When you return ask her about how he was etc to drill it into her she should pay attention.

I'd certainly do less if you feel like you're doing all housework and cooking. Ask how they'd like to divide things up.

She may be happy to be in the presence of your ds but no interest in playing with him. It's sad to me too but it may change as he gets older. My mil never engages with the dc either, 3 and 5 but she does at least watch and comment in a nice way. I don't think she really likes young children and never even wanted to hold dc as babies.

Poor DS. But lesson learnt and you don't need to feel guilty about going with your parents now.

Exactly just don't go away with them again. Stop fussing around getting her drinks and cooking. Go out for dinner or get a takeaway.

Her loss, but you are expecting childcare to which you are not entitled. And I use that word in its Mumsnettian sense.

But you didn't "do it (invite them on holiday) for them". You did it because you felt guilty. You did it with your own preconceived ideas of how granny should behave (watching/interacting with your ds, running round fetching drinks, cooking, cleaning) and are "sad" that actually when granny is on holiday, granny would sooner relax with a book.

Where is your criticism of FIL not preparing meals etc?

I wouldn't want to go on holiday with you to entertain your DS either.

And you can leave a 5 year old long enough to shower.