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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want mil to show more of an interest in ds

101 replies

Fortunatepiggy · 12/07/2017 11:34

On holiday with in laws because we thought it would be nice to encourage them to spend more time with ds who is 5. Back story mil never really shown much interest. FIL slightly better. Live in separate countries so don't see each other often. When we FaceTime mil never comes to the iPad. Perhaps had too high expectations but MIL has spent most of the week in her room reading a book or on a sun lounger reading a book. Even when I've tried to encourage engagement with ds through an activity or a game she has declined or played for a few minutes before handing over to dh or fil. Dh and I may as well have been on hols on our own! Yesterday ds drew something quite impressive and she didn't even look up. I asked her to watch him when I went to the loo and when I came back she was reading her book and ignoring him. Feel so sad for ds and dh. Dh and I have had to stick ds in front of the iPad to get any sort of break even to shower or go to loo! Am I expecting too much? Should add mil has health issues to be fair which make her tired but seems to be able to have energy to shop etc when it suits her perfectly well!

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/07/2017 16:35

No YANBU OP, it is not wrong or entitled of you to want your DC to have a good relationship with their grandparents. Unfortunately in your case, you MiL is not interested. Plan the rest of the holiday with you, your DP and your DC in mind and leave your in-laws to their beds and books. That way you may salvage some good memories from it.

And don't feel guilty about any future holidays/fun times where the in-laws are not present.

Original poster

Fortunatepiggy · 12/07/2017 16:38

Wow! Some interesting opinions on here!

Why did you book a villa with a pool when your ds can't swim? Where's your dh when you're "happily" cooking? There are four adults and one five year old, why is MIL exclusively expected to fill in for you?

I booked a villa with a pool because adults and Small children even those who can't swim enjoy splashing and learning to swim in pools!! Jeez!

My dh has been cooking too lots and getting mil drinks and driving to the supermarket to get provisions etc. You will be suggesting I LTB next I'm sure!!!
Mil is not exclusively expected to fill in for me it would just be nice for her to act interested in her one and only grandson and watch him/ interact with him on the one occasion I have asked her to when I need a wee!

OP posts:

FaFoutis · 12/07/2017 16:42

There are plenty of grandparents who are not interested in their grandchildren these days. This generation of grandparents are nothing like the last.
It's sad but you can't force it. Their loss - and they lose much more than a relationship with grandchildren. Members of my family who have behaved like the OP's MIL can now go to bollocks.

squoosh · 12/07/2017 16:46

Once, when left alone with ds, who was I think 7, I overheard her struggling for conversation and coming up with, "Do you have a good wine department in your Waitrose?"

That's funny, but also a bit sad.

MissionItsPossible · 12/07/2017 16:49

I am just at all the people that think it's okay for a 5 year old to be playing near a pool while the OP is inside and therefore won't be able to hear him.

I'm not saying that the Mother in Law would neglect him or not save him if he fell in the pool but if she's not watching him and then he falls in you'd all be berating this OP for putting her child at risk.

FurcoatnoNicks · 12/07/2017 16:49

I do hope answer was "fair to middling"

Original poster

Fortunatepiggy · 12/07/2017 16:53

And whoever said my ds presence is not a great gift to bestow... well sorry I disagree ... dh and I work hard and quite frankly would have spent a well earned and expensive week off on our own or with my parents so I do expect her to act like she actually wants to be with us/ds

2014. I do think you might be right and she might be depressed. Her and fil relationship doesn't seem great from observation but I had hoped spending time with ds might lift her a bit. Clearly not. Oh well as you say lesson learned .. never again!

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 12/07/2017 17:05

I think you're wrong to be focusing on your DS only. You see her behaviour as deliberately ignoring and avoiding your DS, when she actually is like that with everyone. DS is just sadly part of everyone.

Now this could be because she's depressed,introverted or just plain rude, but i doubt it's the last one.

Catsize · 12/07/2017 17:05

My mother is like this. It's shit. It hurts. And it accentuates the fact that my father has died even more. He was brilliant with them. My mother is like a spoiled child around my son in particular. He doesn't gush over her, not least because seeing her alone is a constant reminder for him that my dad isn't there. She gives him (age 5) a hard time over it. I now see how I was brought up and get where a lot of my issues stem from!!

RebelRogue · 12/07/2017 17:15

OH's mum is the same. She's not close to any of her kids. No interest shown in DD either which was to be expected. His sisters were in uk two christmases ago so we all met up,including his mum,his dad didn't even bother to show up. It was awkward and uncomfortable as fuck. She barely said hello to OH, no hugs no how are yous despite not seeing him for 4 years. Only talking was part of general discussion. No interest in DD.
It was even more awkward when DD,nearly 4 at the time, said "That's not my grandma, my grandma(my mum) has black hair and is at home!"

You get what you put in a relationship.

Scrumpington · 12/07/2017 17:31

That's so sad Rebel. Sounds like she resents ever having become a parent. But even people who regret parenthood generally still have some affection for their kids.

Original poster

Fortunatepiggy · 12/07/2017 17:32

At the beginning of the holiday ds was being adorable and unprompted was taking her stuff like her book and her glasses to be helpful but now he's realised he's not getting anything back he's stopped bothering. He asked why she didn't come in the pool earlier and then he said I know she's tired and reading her book. It's sad but hopefully he will be completely oblivious and not miss a relationship he's never had.

OP posts:

belmontian · 12/07/2017 17:40

As hard as it may be to accept you need to stop trying to facilitate ways for your MIL to engage with your ds, she has made it clear that she isn't very interested. The fact that she tries for a few minutes before handing over to her DH implies that perhaps it is just too much for her? You do say that she has health issues, I am nearly 40 (so still relatively young) and this year have had health issues making me very tired. Some days I cannot be bothered to engage with my own dc. YANBU in wanting her to be more interested but I think YAB a tad unreasonable to expect it.

GreenTulips · 12/07/2017 17:50

Can you tnot go out for a few days s hey have to fend for themselves - andyo eat out?

QueenArseClangers · 12/07/2017 18:06

I'd start by doing the same to your ILs by ignoring them, not catering for them and fucking off out for the day.
Then continue that by ignoring them when they expect to be cared for in their dotage.
What rude, selfish fuckers they sound OP. It hurts when your child is rejected by someone who should love them and at least be civil enough to be kind.

belmontian · 12/07/2017 18:09

Queen the OP said that her FIL is fairly interested/involved.

GloriaV · 12/07/2017 18:25

I can't believe people are saying it's ok to leave a 5 year old by the pool while you go to the loo...... MN is unbelievable sometimes

snowdancer · 12/07/2017 18:45

If you have spent years holidaying with only YOUR parents, then MIL may well be resentful that it's only just come around to "her turn".

She may have forgotten how much work 5 year olds are, if she hasn't been a regular hands on Gran.

It all depends on if you actually care if she has a good relationship with your DS. If you do, foster it as much as possible. Suggest your DH & DS spend time with her.

But to invite her for the first time, expect her to know what you want from her, and then criticise her for being inadequate smacks of hypocracy.

snowdancer · 12/07/2017 18:47

...hopefully he will be completely oblivious and not miss a relationship he's never had.

...and never will, by the sound of it.

GreenTulips · 12/07/2017 18:50

expect her to know what you want from her

What like help with food/ shopping etc and watch DS while Shen nips to the loo? Not disappear all day reading?

No way!! She's rude!

Lymmmummy · 12/07/2017 18:57

Can sympathise that she is not as you had hoped

But you can't change her and the learning lesson is don't go on holiday with her again - you don't enjoy it she isn't interested in fully participating so just a hassle for you - you tried did you bit - but it's time to move on

Ragwort · 12/07/2017 18:58

It's just frustrating when we did this for them. - But did they want to come on holiday with you, did you all discuss it with them?

Quite honestly I wouldn't want to go on holiday with my DS, DIL & DGC (hypothetical as I don't have a DIL or DGC ). Maybe they felt 'obliged' to accept your invitation without really knowing how to say 'no thank you'?

Eggandchipsfortea93 · 12/07/2017 18:59

Why did you book a villa with a pool when your ds can't swim?..., why is MIL exclusively expected to fill in for you?
Its irrelevant whether the OPs child can swim, it wouldn't be sensible to leave ANY 5 year old by a pool unsupervised, even if they can...and I love the idea that you shouldn't go anywhere with a pool if a child can't swim....
This post is working so hard to make the OP the bad guy - she was very clear, and didn't suggest at any point that she expected much at all from the mil, but feel free to make up something to accuse her of!

Blossomdeary · 12/07/2017 19:10

It sounds as though you are trying to manipulate your MIL into how you think she should be and what you want of her in relation to your son. She is who she is. I guess she is not unpleasant or cruel, and she probably loves your son in her own way. But please don't feel disappointed in her - she does not have to fulfill your desires.

If you invited her on holiday she probably had different expectations from you; but that does not make her bad.

Go with your parents next time.

MrsJAMMFraser · 12/07/2017 19:14

OP, YANBU. I would want my MIL to engage with my DS on a family holiday. Ignoring one member of the party is pretty hurtful; even more so when it's your own GC.

Also on a family self-catering holiday you make an effort to muck in (be it childcare, cooking, shopping or cleaning). She doesn't get to lounge around like lady muck whilst you wait on her hand and foot. Go out for dinner just the 3 of you tonight and leave her to it.

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