To want mil to show more of an interest in ds

[Fortunatepiggy]

On holiday with in laws because we thought it would be nice to encourage them to spend more time with ds who is 5. Back story mil never really shown much interest. FIL slightly better. Live in separate countries so don't see each other often. When we FaceTime mil never comes to the iPad. Perhaps had too high expectations but MIL has spent most of the week in her room reading a book or on a sun lounger reading a book. Even when I've tried to encourage engagement with ds through an activity or a game she has declined or played for a few minutes before handing over to dh or fil. Dh and I may as well have been on hols on our own! Yesterday ds drew something quite impressive and she didn't even look up. I asked her to watch him when I went to the loo and when I came back she was reading her book and ignoring him. Feel so sad for ds and dh. Dh and I have had to stick ds in front of the iPad to get any sort of break even to shower or go to loo! Am I expecting too much? Should add mil has health issues to be fair which make her tired but seems to be able to have energy to shop etc when it suits her perfectly well!

Ignoring one member of the party is pretty hurtful; even more so when it's your own GC.

Maybe OP can clarify this, but from her posts I understood that MIL is ignoring everyone equally?!

This reminds me of a thread about clearing up at the end of toddler groups - there were a group of posters who saw no reason why they should share the work, because they didn't want to, end of.

For those saying the mil doesn't have to help with anything - no, she doesn't.

But in both cases, those involved are being rude and a bit selfish, because they are repeatedly choosing not to bother, while others do all the work, when anyone with manners would want to do a fair share.
Its not an individual preference thing, or asserting your individuality and right to choose - its just plain rude.

I could have written this! It's sad, in our case I know it upsets my DH and I feel bad for my children who won't have that relationship. That said, if your parents are hands-on, your child won't miss out. It took my sister to point this out to me (my Mum lives to spend time with her Grandkids), but since realising this is true, I've found it easier to accept.

Hope you can enjoy your holiday regardless, OP.

No mil is not just ignoring ds she is pretty much ignoring everyone but I am particularly upset she is ignoring ds because she rarely sees him and he / I am trying to foster a relationship between them

Not sure how I am manipulating mil bloomsdeary?!

FIL had a bit to drink tonight after mil went to bed ( straight after dinner surprise!) and l mentioned that she was in her room a lot. He said that is all she does at home and she is in bed most days reading or watching soaps and they have no rship and he is quite miserable about everything. I asked if she is depressed and he said if she was he would never be able to get her to a counsellor anyway as she would not accept it, Feel quite sorry for him.

Not sure what we can do to improve the situation

Seems like a pretty hopeless situation

Fortunatepiggy I'm sorry that's sad. My mil only slightly interested in one of mine not the other 2 they notice. None of them are mad about her. She was just not interested in them so now she gets the same back. Her loss.

Disinterested in laws are very common I'm afraid. Ours see their grandkids about 2 times a year, maybe 3 .. that includes birthdays (I have 2 dcs and Xmas day) despite living 30mins by car. Really no skin off my back. I'll be doing the same when they are in a care home. They fully admit they have no interest whatsoever and can't be arsed!!

She definitely sounds poorly. If she won't get help and your FIL is suffering too I'd invite him to stay on his own. Bet it'll be a totally different atmosphere without her and FIL and DC's bond would grow.
Good luck with the rest of your holiday and I do hope MIL gets the help she needs

Yes she sounds very unwell, spending all her time in bed. What a shame she won't go to the gp, she could have a whole new lease of life

That's sad OP. Maybe DH could help FIL to either encourage her to get help, or to get out and do more himself. Your son must be bringing a lot of joy to FIL, focus on that (and my ddad and dm and their partners could only cope with our small children in short doses and rarely did anything with them - apart from the great 'I'll teach her to knit debacle of 2005').

It's incredible what a range of grand parenting style there are! Amongst my close work colleagues we have from the grandparents who do ALL of the family's childcare, to grandparents who see their grandchildren a few times a year......

Not liking children and not watching him for a couple of minutes near a pool are two completely different things.
I would have had words...

I am struggling to talk to her now to be honest because I feel like she is not doing anything to help herself. I'll be the first to admit I don't understand depression and I feel like if she can't be bothered with her family and grandson in a lovely villa in a lovely country then it's just not going to get much better than this. Their house at home is a tip because they are hoarders which is why we never visit

I tried to talk about face timing her just now and she said she would ask FIL to set it up on her phone. I offered to set it up she was dismissive and said her phone needed charging

She's got up for breakfast and now gone back to bed.

I think I will give up now!

Should add we obviously visit but don't stay with them. We book into a hotel nearby.

She sounds weary and fed up still no need to be rude to you all though how long has she been like this sounds like she leads a lonely life.

"I feel like if she can't be bothered with her family and grandson in a lovely villa in a lovely country then it's just not going to get much better than this."

That's not how depression works, OP. It doesn't matter where you are or what you're doing, you feel the same. She's unwell. Imagine she was in chronic physical pain - her situation changing isn't going to help (and in fact being out of her routine may well make it worse).

You're judging her very harshly but the fact of the matter is that she's ill. Quite seriously by the sounds of things. If it were me I would try and talk to her, sympathetically, about how she's feeling and try to encourage her to open up / get professional help, but if you freely admit to not understanding depression and already being impatient with her not doing anything to help herself, you're not the best person to do so.

I hope she finds some support and strength in order to get the help she desperately needs, but in the meantime I would recommend that you are as patient as possible and try not to take it personally.

I don't get everyone saying it's her holiday too, she wants to relax, she might not like kids etc. If that is the case, nobody forced her to go on a "family" holiday. Surely if you go on a self-catering Villa holiday, everyone mucks in?

I am going away with my family soon and dm's friend is joining us for a couple of nights. I absolutely "expect" that dm will babysit so I can spend a bit of time with my sister. In return I will "expect" to babysit her friend's young child so they can go off and enjoy a break too. Cooking and cleaning will be shared.

I would be mightily pissed off if any of my family came on a family holiday and expected to be waited on whilst ignoring my children!

Given that she spends all day in bed at home and isn't interested in fil either, then it does sound more of a depression/fed up with the world issue than specifically being anti-children.

If this is the case then there is nothing you can do. Some people deal with depression, very many choose not to, and even hotly deny anything is the matter. It is up to your fil (or maybe your dh) to try to encourage your mil to get help, but it sounds as if she is in the latter camp and I know from personal experience that no one will ever do anything they don't want to, whether that be giving up an addiction or seeking help for a condition.

People are different.

I would take the worst room,bed,plate ,mug or meal to have a chance to play,read,talk and be silly with my DGC.

My sister on the other hand would want to read on her bed and maybe when pushed ask about the wine dept. in Waitrose.She is adored too.

You just can't force it. My MIL complains that she doesn't see DD enough (we live in different countries) but won't get her ass on a plane to visit. Yet she goes to see SIL (who has no children) 2-3 times a year in a different country. PIL are retired and financially comfortable so MIL has no excuse. FIL comes here without her! I've told DH that DD will realize that one of her grandparents is never around and MIL isn't going to like what that feels like as she gets older.

Anyway OP your son is 5, he's old enough to understand which GPs are there for him and which ones are not.

Ok was starting to feel sorry for her.. but FIL invited some friends over for lunch who are also staying nearby and my god it was like a different woman. I have never seen her as engaged and chatty. She also even put one of the elderly blokes shoes on for him and was also sitting next to ds and trying to spoon feed him his lunch which understandably ds refused as he is 5.! Now feel it is all for show and she just can't be arsed with her family. They've gone now and she went to bed immediately!

Odd behaviour there with the friends! All for show it sounds like. I bet you will be pleased to go home ! All sounds a bit strange and strained.

She sounds so Odd 😕

She tried to spoon feed your FIVE YEAR OLD?!

I would have to say something to her personally i couldn't let it lie it isn't going to make it anymore awkward if you say something to her that show offyness would piss me right off.

If she is depressed, it might have taken a lot for her to put on a show in front of friends.
She may have a thyroid problem - it can zap away all of your energy