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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and Facebook

128 replies

3rdrockfromthesun · 09/07/2017 19:09

I know I am probably being U but my MIL has just announced my engagement on Facebook!!! It only happened last night and I didn't want it on Facebook just yet! I am fuming and am posting here to stop myself ringing her or even worse putting something catty on Facebook

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 09/07/2017 21:41

"Literally any thread involving a MIL is shouted down by the obsessive MILs-can-do-no-wrong brigade"

Utter, utter bollocks.

Mils can do loads of wrong. So can anyone. But anyone else is cut some slack. Mil's never are. Have a look at the beginning of this thread as a case in point.

VladmirsPoutine · 09/07/2017 21:43

Onhold Exactly.

And posters on this thread want to gloat how well they are doing by making sure their MILs are the last to know any news. As if it's some sort of achievement.

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 09/07/2017 21:47

@laurelstar poor MiL? You wouldn't think that if you knew the whole story. She's a vile, manipulative woman who put her kids in the middle of years of abuse to ensure she remained in favour

AlmostAJillSandwich · 09/07/2017 21:51

Back in 2009 my cousin, who i hadn't seen or spoken to in 10 years, announced my engagement to my grandmother the day after i got engaged. I hadn't even told my bloody parents yet, but my (abusive, controlling, manipulative) EX had insisted on posting something on my facebook, and she'd seen it as god knows why she was on my friends list. Cue grandmother calling my dad!

Some people have absolutely no respect for other people, it was quite clearly YOUR news, for you to tell who you wanted, when you wanted, without having it announced for you!

vikingprincess81 · 09/07/2017 21:54

Oooooooh boy!
My MIL and I get on very well. The reason we get on well is because we have a mutually respectful relationship. I know her son is still her son, and she knows he's my husband. At times we've had to speak up and make clear what the rules are when it comes to the kids, which she respects and complies with, and we respect the fact she's a retired woman with a life of her own, not on 24/7 call to look after our kids, and are very grateful when she does.
There's a lot to be said for mutual respect, but sometimes that means you have to find your backbone and have an assertive,respectful, adult conversation. That works both ways. We wouldn't rush to cut her out or not let her see the grandkids without a very good reason (which in 13 years she's never given us, and I don't expect her to) and of all the parents who are NC, it's actually my dad!!! Just to even out the DiL are evil posts Wink
Ooh, yeah. And I have a son - I plan to the same sort of MIL she is, as I reckon we've got the balance just right.
Anyway, I think a quiet word would do the job OP, and maybe make it crystal clear in future that you don't want these sorts of things shared until you have already Wink

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 09/07/2017 22:01

I like my mil-I just hate her love of Facebook and announcing everything on their the second it happens. We have relatives that don't use fb, but have friends/family that do and may "spill the beans" before we get the opportunity to, should it be posted on fb before we've had the chance to speak to people.

RibenaMonsoon · 09/07/2017 22:02

What vikingprincess81 said!

I love my MIL. She's an amazing lady, sometimes we have the odd boundary issue when it comes to DS but it's because she loves him so much! We always hash it out and are fine again. I won't hear a bad word said against her.

If I ever become a MIL I shall treat any DIL with the respect she deserves as my sons choice of partner. It's really not that difficult. You aren't suddenly a complete bitch just because you are a MIL. But that shouldn't suggest that there aren't Mils out there who are horrible people.

In this case it was a bit rude to post your news before you did. Just tell her to take it down as it wasn't her news to tell. Especially if she already told you as much.

ConstanceCraving · 09/07/2017 22:11

. But that shouldn't suggest that there aren't Mils out there who are horrible people.

Of course there are. Just as there are horrible DILs.

GivePeasAGo · 09/07/2017 22:29

Yanbu op. My brother went to announce my pregnancy only a few minutes after I'd told him. I saw him frantically typing and said "you aren't putting it on fb are you?" And told him to pack it in when he said yes.

He wanted the attention. I wanted none. Thankfully doubly so I caught him as I miscarried my poor baby.

MammaTJ · 09/07/2017 22:37

I am a MIL, there is no way I would do this!! It is out of order!

Your DF needs to tell her this and in such a way she will never do it again!! If he cannot man up enough to do this, then you are in for a lifetime of hell!!

Onhold · 09/07/2017 22:40

A lifetime of hell because his mum made one mistake?

ollieplimsoles · 09/07/2017 22:52

My sister has a lovely mil, im envious of the mutually respectful, supportive relationship they share. My own mil is awful, her trangressions are too many to list here. But going into a relationship with dh, i was egar to get on with her so much, i hoped we could really be friends. Til she took me aside on my then boyfriend's birthday and told me to tell him to drive me home because she had invited family over for a party and wanted it to be 'just family'.
I did as she asked and dh drove me home, unfortunately for her, he didnt go back...

icecuube · 09/07/2017 23:06

My MIL announced my pregnancy on Facebook, including the scan picture. We had asked her to not post anything on Facebook beforehand, she said in her Facebook post she had kept it quiet long enough and we should be grateful she didn't tell sooner. (Told her at 8 weeks, shared scan photo with family and friends only at 12).

Persemillion · 09/07/2017 23:09

I like my mother in law very, very much. Do you know why?

She has a life of her own. She doesn't live through her children's lives. Wonderful woman.

Tiredstressed · 09/07/2017 23:17

I can understand that you might not have wanted it on Facebook yet but unless you made it clear to her that you wanted to put an announcement up, she wasn't to know and probably wouldn't consider that you'd be upset about it. I'd just bear it in mind for future news.

LightDrizzle · 09/07/2017 23:32

"It's her son who has got engaged too" "Since when has getting engaged been supposed to be secret?"

FFS, even in these days of social media, most people want to tell family and loved ones special news in person or over the phone. People can be very hurt to find important things out via Facebook. If they'd got engaged on a couples holiday, are you sure MIL, FIL and her parents would be cool about finding out about their child's engagement on Facebook because their fuckwit friend posted it night-of, before they'd had chance to phone home?
When I got engaged, we waited 5 days before putting anything on Facebook as we wanted all family and close friends to hear it personally from us, and that can take longer than you might think.
MIL uses Facebook, it was reasonable for the OP to suppose that when she had explicitly been reassured that MIL wouldn't tell anyone, that would include telling EVERYONE on social media.

laurelstar · 10/07/2017 12:49

All the posters advising that OP goes on the warpath over this minor incursion might want to consider that OP's fiancé might not keep being so supportive if he feels his fiancée is criticising his mum (she's not actually OP's MIL yet).
Aren't you feeling too thrilled about the proposal and planning your wedding to get all bent out of shape about this spreading of happy news?
Enjoy your wedding planning & don't pick fights with your fiancé's family. They could be your best support in your life ahead.

rogueantimatter · 10/07/2017 17:28

I agree that it's very wise to try to get off on a good footing but I think it would be possible to bring this up without "going on the warpath" . It's a bit late now, but you could have said something to MIL very roughly along the lines, of

"It's so lovely that you're pleased for x and me. It means a lot to me that you approve of our engagement. I'm actually feeling a bit silly because I forgot to tell you that I wanted to tell some people in person, so would you mind taking the post down? I hope you don't mind. It completely slipped my mind to mention it to you. "

What do other MNetters think

FWIW It's probably a bit oversensitive of me but I felt quite put out when my MIL posted a group photo of DH, me our DC and some of his relations with a comment about the changeable weather and how we had had a long lie so had missed some of the weather. I'm sure most people would think nothing of us having a long lie while on holiday, but I personally hadn't had a long lie and I just would never ever post sort of intimate stuff like that about anyone except myself. I hardly ever post anyway Don't usually have news Grin

ethelfleda · 10/07/2017 17:38

ollieplimsoles and icecube what horrific stories!! Poor you!!!

I'm luckily the same as Persemillion as in I get on very well with MIL and she has her own life and would never dream of doing anything like this!!

ollieplimsoles · 10/07/2017 18:44

It means a lot to me that you approve of our engagement

Id edit this out, doesnt matter if she approves or not, op isnt marrying her.

MissJC · 10/07/2017 19:40

Yeah you need to tell her straight! My SIL posted my birth on FB within about 2 minutes of DD being born. I rang her and told her to remove it immediately and a few other choice words (whilst being stitched up).

Some people are just peckers.

RibenaMonsoon · 10/07/2017 19:52

Constance...thats exactly the point I was making. Perhaps the double negative confused you.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/07/2017 20:04

Facebook fucking sucks which is why I got rid years ago. I had to have a very clear chat with my MIL after she repeatedly posted pictures of me that I didn't want posted and had asked her repeatedly not to post. She said to me, "What's the big deal?" The deal is I DON'T WANT MY PICS ON FUCKING FACEBOOK. Sorry. Rant over. Your situation brought back the rage!

Aquamarine1029 · 10/07/2017 20:07

Oh god, just wait until you have a baby or suffer from piles. The whole damn world will know.

fabulous01 · 10/07/2017 22:07

I would never become friends with mil. Why not respond to her post with something to suggest more news... it would sort her out
Or just block and defriend

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