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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to cover my legs?

114 replies

Rriot · 09/07/2017 16:46

I have a few events coming up over the next month or so where I'll need to wear a dress. I have recently (a few weeks ago) self harmed by cutting the outside of my leg, just below the knee. There are seven marks, which have healed but not faded and so are still quite raised and purple-ish. There is no way to pass them off as an accident- they are too uniform and it is obvious they have been inflicted deliberately.

I have a maxi dress I might be able to wear for one of the occasions but it will be way over the top for the others. I can't find a mid- length dress that will definitely cover them. I have considered make-up but I think that would draw more attention if it rubbed off on clothes etc and I'd be paranoid about this happening all evening.

I have other scars which are visible on my arms, I don't bother to hide these but they are years old and very pale so not as noticeable.

Would it make other people uncomfortable to see such obvious evidence of self harm not covered up? I'm not sure how confident I feel about it myself but I feel I shouldn't have to hide myself away because I have a mental illness. I have had people ask me about scars before in a matter of fact and tactful way and I've been able to answer/ have a conversation without coming away feeling ashamed but I worry that these are way more prominent and there will be family members/ friends at the events who are more likely to comment than relative strangers.

I'd like to just wear a midi length frock, maybe with some flesh coloured tights to cover a little, I'd feel very self conscious wearing a maxi dress when it would be clearly out of place for the occassion and I'm never comfortable in trousers.

Any thoughts/ advice? Is it unreasonable to leave my scars on show if it will make people uncomfortable?

OP posts:

SongforSal · 09/07/2017 22:53

Cover them. For about a month when my daughter was 14 she cut her arms. No mental illness nor problems. She is utterly embarrassed by it now and claims so many of her friends were doing it, that she did it to and has no idea why, other than that.

Original poster

Rriot · 09/07/2017 23:00

I'm sorry your daughter went through that Song and that she's self conscious about it now. I was that age when I first cut my arms, 15 years later I rarely think about it- the scars are pale and not obvious any more. I hope she gets to that place too eventually.

OP posts:

Runningissimple · 09/07/2017 23:06

I think it's fine to show them. I see people with self harm scars at sports classes I go to quite often. I would never ask as I think it's rude. I also am grateful to them for not feeling the need to hide them because it made me stop caring about the spider barons on my legs.

If you don't mind, I really wouldn't worry about anyone else's opinion. Maybe it normalises self harming a bit which is good if it reduces stigma.

Runningissimple · 09/07/2017 23:07

Spider barons!!!!! Veins!!

Original poster

Rriot · 09/07/2017 23:15

I have a little group of veins visible on my other knee Running. They shall henceforth be known as spider barons

OP posts:

SmileEachDay · 09/07/2017 23:16

Those dresses are gorgeous!!

You're going to look amazing xx

AlmostAJillSandwich · 09/07/2017 23:31

not RTFT so sorry if already been mentioned, but what abut a support sleeve type bandage? If anyone asks, you've just pulled your knee a little bit and are wearing it for support.

LightDrizzle · 10/07/2017 02:49

Definitely do whatever you are comfortable with.
Alas my mum is one of the minority of people who if she noticed them (had her specs on) would definitely ask you about them. She's a nightmare! It wouldn't occur to her that they might be from self-harm and she's super-nosey and insensitive at times. She's a bit deaf too so has a stage whisper. She has an awful thing where she's asks everyone in hospital waiting rooms, including CT scanner, what they are there for. She kept banging on about a man's lovely tan one time, and repeating he must have been somewhere nice on holiday whilst desperately trying to catch his eye and engage him in conversation. The poor bloke was clearly jaundiced and presumably very, very ill.
She doesn't mean any harm but I doubt she's the only one, so I'd prepare something to say to fob off nosy parkers.

SongforSal · 10/07/2017 08:47

Luckily no scarring Rriot, a few years ago at school, well I can only describe it as a 'craze' that the kids went through. About 20 of them!! Us Mums clocked on slowly (kids it turns out are very good at hiding stuff!) There honestly seemed to be no reason other than peer pressure. The whole situation was utterly bizarre!

Original poster

Rriot · 10/07/2017 09:22

I can understand that Song when I was that age there were a few people in my wider circle of friends who sort of glamourised it (put pictures on social media and compared cuts at school). I hid mine away and was ashamed.

I'm glad it wasn't a sign of anything more troubling with your daughter and she's not been left with scars.

OP posts:

callmeadoctor · 10/07/2017 10:15

Lovely dresses, although I would say they are very dressy (and you didn't want something as dressy?) They are both quite formal. (Still lovely though

shakingmyhead1 · 10/07/2017 10:30

Both dresses are lovely
you dont have to explain to anyone if you dont want to, you also dont have to hide it But...
if you do get concerned just slap a big old dressing on it and say you tripped up the steps and have a graze on your leg, nothing serious you just didn't want to knock the scab off and risk getting blood on your new pretty dress, no one will give you the "Look" and you wont make anyone feel uncomfortable, least of all yourself! ( although they might think you are a bit of a klutz )

Ineverpromisedyouarosegarden · 10/07/2017 10:50

You could try this https://www.salonskincare.co.uk/covermark-leg-magic-fluid-trial-kit-light-3x10ml?gclid=COCihPu3_tQCFdAV0wodTuwDBg it's designed to cover scars on legs.

wornoutboots · 10/07/2017 11:03

when I was asked about my cuts I tended to say "oh... oh! yeah, that was just something stupid. Aaaaanyway! that's boring but I do love your hair/dress/shoes/the way the place is decorated...."

and anyone who persisted I just looked in the eye and said "not something I wish to discuss with you. Take the hint!"

hope you have a fabulous time. I bet 90% of people won't notice anyway.

Original poster

Rriot · 10/07/2017 12:10

I'm not keen on putting a dressing or anything on it- I feel like that would just spoil the look of my outfit.

I think I'm going to get some makeup and experiment then see how I feel on the day.

I'm swaying towards just braving it, if I do it once and feel uncomfortable I can always cover up in the future.

The braver side of me is saying just to leave them as they are and answer questions honestly, "Sometimes I struggle with my mental health and hurt myself, but I'm ok and getting help".

In theory I might chicken out of being so frank though, does anyone have any ideas of what to say without completely lying?

Also what would I say if a child asked me? I think explaining self harm to a little one is a bit heavy handed and not my place to do.

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 10/07/2017 12:22

I don't think more than "i hurt myself/had an accident/ a cat scratched me" is needed for a little one.

I had a really nasty/ugly spot when i was 15,so put a plaster on it. I refused to say what it was cause i was so embarrassed. This unbelievable story about me getting in a cat fight with another girl came out and was blown way out of proportion. Apparently i won,so quite happy with that.

The "proper" scars were well hidden.

Original poster

Rriot · 10/07/2017 12:48

At least you won Rebel

OP posts:

dangermouseisace · 10/07/2017 13:14

I've got scars, for me it would depend on the event.

If it was a formal event e.g. a wedding I'd cover up.

If it was just a general party then no.

With new scars though…it's a bit different. You have a choice: wear and shorter dress and DEFINITELY be asked questions. Or wear a maxi dress/something else and have much less chance of being bothered by people asking.

I'd wear something that covered them until they had faded. I usually use that as 'let that be a lesson to myself to not do it again as look at the bother it's causing me!' But that's me, you are you and it is your choice.

Original poster

Rriot · 10/07/2017 13:32

Thanks dangermouse.

One is an engagement party, I will only know a couple of people there and I don't know them very well. I thought the blue dress would be suitable for this.

One is an evening wedding reception, this will be a mix of close and extended family, aquaintances and people I don't know. This is the one I might wear the long dress to, purely because its more fitting for a wedding but the venue and things are quite casual so still not sure.

I also have a dinner coming up with my in-laws which I don't need to be as dressed up for but I'm generally more comfortable in dresses, I thought I could wear the blue dress but accessorise it so its less dressy. In laws are lovely and I'm not worried about being judged by them at all, but it's their special day and i don't want anyone to be uncomfortable.

OP posts:

BeepBeepMOVE · 10/07/2017 14:02

The sally hansen leg stuff is amazing if you get the right colour. It has covered my spider veins, purple scars and some very dark bruises previously. Doesn't come off on clothes even when I've been out in the rain.

TBH, if I saw someone at an event with obviously self harming scars on display then I'd think they were attention seeking in my head especially "fresh" ones, different with years old ones.

Nabootique · 10/07/2017 14:13

I haven't RTFT but I just wanted to say that I also have scars and wear whatever I like and it has been very, very rare that anyone has mentioned them. I mean, say I wore something that showed them 50 times, I might be asked about them once. I think people just know not to when it's obvious. The times I have been asked I just tell them I used to self harm and that's the end of the conversation. You are more likely to be asked by family/people very close to you in my experience, if they don't already know that you used to self harm.

Original poster

Rriot · 10/07/2017 14:15

What would make you assume they wanted attention Beep? Would you think that of anyone else with visible scars or just someone who has self harmed?

OP posts:

SmileEachDay · 10/07/2017 14:24

To those of you saying "attention seeking": would you consider other 'public displays' of the symptoms of mental health difficulties to be attention seeking?
Consider the following happening in public:
Someone with anorexia not eating?
Someone with bulimia obsessively exercising?
Someone with Tourette's shouting or tic - ing?
Someone with OCD touching things a number of times?
Someone with anxiety having a panic attack?

All symptoms. As SH is. Are they attention seeking?

Groupie123 · 10/07/2017 14:45

It's not about what other people think, but about you. If you aren't comfortable showing them then there are a number of things on offer - I prefer 10 dernier nude coloured tights (the expensive gloss kind) to cover my varicose veins & I bet my purple marks look a million times worse than yours lol.

grannytomine · 10/07/2017 14:51

OP the dresses are gorgeous, you are going to look great and if people notice so what? My mother was self conscious for years about burn scars on her legs until one day she realised no one cared, hardly anyone noticed and if anyone was rude enough to comment then they were just rude.

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