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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To send him to a premier inn?

108 replies

Orangeseed · 09/07/2017 02:19

DH has just stumbled in at 2o'clock having been out to a venue which shut at 11. Incidentally the venue is about 10 minutes drive away and it was a strip show he had been to watch.

I'm now 8months into a difficult pregnancy and feeling totally pissed off!

I've sent him to sleep in the spare room tonight but would I be unreasonable to send him to a premier inn tmw?!

OP posts:
bloodymaria · 09/07/2017 08:28

Good luck OP. I hope you posting this is indicative of you starting to take back some control.

Your DC will absolutely be fine when you split from their father, the best thing you can do for them is remove them from this toxic situation.

Puppelove · 09/07/2017 08:36

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LoKeKi · 09/07/2017 08:43

OP, you really need to make the decision to leave, and it has to be your decision, however, it should not be a rushed decision (unless you are worried for your safety and that of your children).

Do you have access to things like passports, bank statements and ID? It's worth, if you can safely, starting to make copies of these in case you do decide to leave.

Do you have somewhere you could go if you left?

You say that you don't want to raise your children in a "broken home", however, it's actually worse to raise them in a situation where the mother is being "broken" by abuse (physical or emotional); as you are pregnant you can probably get a lot of extra support that you would not be able to access if you weren't pregnant - are you under the care of a midwifery team, and if so, do they have a safeguarding lead in your area? It is well worth having a chat with them if you feel up to it, particularly if you are leaning towards leaving your DH.

I don't know why your DH was out for missing hours, and I think it's wrong to assume he was sleeping with someone unless there is other evidence, he has maybe just gone to another venue / club.

Have you got family near you, OP? And do you have a good support network still in place, in terms of friends, and contact with GPs and health care providers?

dollydaydream114 · 09/07/2017 15:01

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Buxtonstill · 09/07/2017 19:50

Admitting to yourself there is a problem is hard to do. Feel proud of yourself that you have done that. Don't focus on 'broken' anything. Concentrate on showing your DC that you are a lady who won't be pushed around. If you have sons you are showing them that it is not ok to treat a woman so badly. You have an absolute right to live your life without being controlled. You can do this! Please ask your midwife about referral to a women's unit xx

Orangeseed · 09/07/2017 20:02

So as expected his version is that I am being totally unreasonable he 'only went for A beer with his mate, what's my f**cking problem?!'

OP posts:
PumpkinSpiceEverything · 09/07/2017 20:06

I think it's best if you just ask him to go. Pack a bag, say I don't want to see you for a few days, go to a hotel. Clear your head, get whatever help you need, and reevaluate.

Buck3t · 09/07/2017 20:07

And how do you feel about that OP?

Butterymuffin · 09/07/2017 20:07

'My problem is there's one rule for you and another for me. You do exactly as you like, yet you don't let me go out to see friends or have any social life. I've had enough'. Tell him that and make your plans to go.

Orangeseed · 09/07/2017 20:13

He's refused to go because I'm 'the weirdo with the problem' I can't face unsettling the DC by taking them to hotel and I'm trying to save money to cover my maternity leave, so I'm in the bedroom avoiding him.

This is what he does, he does wrong then twists it to make out that I'm the problem.

OP posts:
Swanlake123 · 09/07/2017 20:13

Whilst I sympathise with the situation, the fact you have only been out twice in 11 years and who makes you account for where you are constantly, AND then you decided to have a child with them based on that astounds me.

You are foolish to agree to procreate with someone who clearly has no respect for you

Orangeseed · 09/07/2017 20:15

Foolish or not my children are the best things in my life and I don't regret any of them one tiny bit!

OP posts:
MaQueen · 09/07/2017 20:27

Woooaah...I was just about to say 'get a grip' he got drunk, and fell home late...it happens.

But, I am now shouting at the laptop Run...run for the hills and never, never, ever look back.

'Not allowed out with girlfriends'??? Fuck that for a game of soldiers Angry

Please don't kid yourself that you live in a family home (you don't, it is effectively a prison).

Please don't kid yourself that keeping living with your DH makes you 'a family' (it doesn't, you are just a mum and 2 DCs being abused by the father of your DCs).

Please don't kid yourself that 'you are doing it for your DCs' (all children deserve to grow up in a home with parents who are happy).

You have nothing worth staying for and nothing worth fighting for. And absolutely no reason to do either.

Nothing.

Buxtonstill · 09/07/2017 20:29

Wow, swan lake. Kick somebody when they're down.
Hope the OP doesn't take your nasty sneering to heart.

Swanlake123 · 09/07/2017 20:33

It's not sneering, it's stating the fact

I said I was sympathetic, which I am.

However, the OPs was comparing her social life to his, when realistically their relationship isn't normal

QuestionableMouse · 09/07/2017 20:39

Pack stuff you need now for you and the kids, wait until he's asleep and get out. Or do it tomorrow when he's at work. You're better than him and don't deserve to live with a bastard like he is.

stiffstink · 09/07/2017 20:39

What do you mean by saving for your mat leave? Are you expected to cover that yourself or will it be a joint effort?

NikiBabe · 09/07/2017 20:39

And yes northernparent I actually do have to account for every minute, if I'm not working I'm expected to be at home. In over 11 years of living together I have been out at night without him TWICE! That's in total!

Havent rtft but from this alone you stayed with him under those circumstances and are having yet another child to him.

TwoBusyCnuts · 09/07/2017 20:42

Please get yourself out of there and get help.
he will never improve.
you are being abused.

titsbumfannythelot · 09/07/2017 20:45

He is a total arsehole. You deserve so much more, and so do your kids. What an absolute wanker.

Orangeseed · 09/07/2017 20:46

Yes stiffsink I cover my maternity leave myself, obviously I get SMP but its a huge drop from my normal wage (I'm a slightly higher earner than husband)

OP posts:
Jux · 09/07/2017 20:49

Swanlake pointless comment, and unhelpful. Do you expect her to send them back?

OP, what is the house arrangement? Do you rent or own, whose nameis on what document?

When he goes to work tomorrow, ring Women's Aid and have a chat. See how normal they think your life is (not normal at all). Ask them to help you plan a safe disentangement.

When you have dc 3, I suspect things will get worse, as they did after dc2. It will go up a notch, as he will think that with 3 childen it wil be more impossible for you to leave and so he won't have to control himself even as far a he thinks he does now (and he thinks he puts up with sooo much already, honestly he does).

Orangeseed · 09/07/2017 20:51

I'm not sure why people are so shocked I have children, they are adored, funny, well cared for and provided for in time, love and money, its not like I'm popping out kid after kid and having them brought up in care!

And I know I will get shot down for this, but I do love him and my marriage vows meant something. I literally couldn't imagine ever being close to another man so my alternative is the rest of my life being lonely.

OP posts:
Orangeseed · 09/07/2017 20:55

House wise I'm lucky, on paper I own a bigger share of our family home and I own a rental property outright, I'm thinking I could move there but in law I think because we are married he could take half?

OP posts:
Jux · 09/07/2017 20:56

Actually, don't wait. Pack as much as you can - including financial docs, birth certificates, passports (not his though) - treasured thngs, irreplaceable things, etc hire a van, fill it up and go. Use your maternity savings.

Going back to work earlier than you planned is a million times better than living with him after you've given birth will be.

Yes, he is that bad. Yes he is.