Single Mums - I don't know how you do it!?

[ChildishGambino]

Today was hard. It started off as good as every other day (she's so sweet in the mornings) but it was sooooo hot and DD was hot and was cross and needed attention all day and I think I have laryngitis and have lost my voice. Tonight she started looking sleepy. I fed her and got her into bed. Then she shit herself. I got poo on my arm and I cried. I was absolutely knackered by the time bedtime came and I was hoping to sneak out for a drink with my friend. DH arrives home and says he's tired and stressed and explains his day and, yes, it was worse than mine. He goes to the pub with my blessing - even though I've spoken to precisely three people today, I wanted to be on my own and read my book, 'Cows' by Dawn O'Porter if anyone is interested. It's really fucking good.

My AIBU is to wonder how the hell does anyone do this on their own, with no break, even at the weekends and why do we not respect them more?

To all the single Mums, I am I awe....

Oh it's just shit sometimes isn't it Carter. It's nice to hear someone recognise that now & again.

cherry as explained numerous times upthread, it's not about whether you mean it genuinely or not. It's about how it can be perceived that way. Hence why several of us have jumped on the suggestion of going around saying this in rl to single parents you don't know well.

It also ignores the real difficulties in being a single parent. It's not about daily chores in the early years. It's about knowing that one income is it, not just till dc are older. Explaining to your child why their father isn't around, without either outright lies or the truth that he is a massive twat. Knowing that if you were to die your child is effectively an orphan, and worrying about who will raise them.

I don't find it patronising at all. I don't see any othering or implicatin that single mothers have attributes that others do not.

I think the OP has a good idea of the relentlessness of it all and so do many other women who are sahms because quite often a husband or partner is not going to be the one who pulls his weight, bears the mental burden of family organisation, or thinks of himself as 100% a parent. Several women here have pointed out that having a partner living with you actually makes life a bit harder. There are tradeoffs in both situations.

For my part, I often see mothers out and about with multiple young children, schlepping a baby along too, and probably not getting much sleep, and I think 'hats off to her'. I did it myself two decades ago but it still amazes me. I am not othering anyone, nor am I patronising anyone in my head or glossing over the difficulties, the inequalities that exist in a lot of homes, the way society and the workplace are not set up for single heads of families, etc.

Op - thank you.

I take the points other posters are making but I find it very very hard and I think until you're in the position, even if just for one day, you just don't get it.

I love my DC very much and love watching them develop and become their own people. But I am exhausted, stretched for money, feel the pressure of being the only provider for everything - so thank you

I think the OP has a good idea of the relentlessness of it all and so do many other women who are sahms because quite often a husband or partner is not going to be the one who pulls his weight, bears the mental burden of family organisation, or thinks of himself as 100% a parent. Several women here have pointed out that having a partner living with you actually makes life a bit harder. There are tradeoffs in both situations.
Well, my ex was an arse and I don't miss him. BUT, sahm with a working husband doesn't know what it's like, as she isn't also shouldering the task of financially providing for her DC's present and future, and her own! I haven't got anyone else earning me a pension, that's all on me.

Anyone claiming they understand what it is like to be a lone parent because they are a sahp and their dp works is demonstrating that they have not got the slightest clue what it is like to be a lone parent. Tell me you know what it's like because your dp is an arse who stays in bed 24/7 for years on end and you'll have a point.

Are we trying to compete here?

Who wins when women turn on each other?

Hugs you sound like you have had a rough day. You are doing awesome. Enjoy your book.

I also second your sentiment my oh is useless but I'd be an absolute failure as a single mum.

It's not competing, it's recognising people have different lives and not trying to pretend every women's struggles are the same. Cos they're not.

If you're worried about the consequences of women turning in each other, the answer is don't try and shut up other women yourself with blyth comments like "are we trying to compete here?"
How about really listening to that person and letting them have their own voice, rather than faux sympathy/shut the down with put downs

Everybody approaches their individual circumstances with unequal strengths and weaknesses, so of course everybody's struggles are not the same.

But you can't insist that every single mother has a worse time of it than women with a partner. There are downsides to each situation.

Personally, I had a partner who made my life miserable. No amount of income would have changed that. No lack of income changed the fact that I was far happier when he was gone. I still had to deal with post divorce efforts by hi to put me in prison (long story) but I didn't have to deal with him on a daily basis and that was worth all the scrimping and anxiety about money.

How about really listening to the OP and really appreciating her thoughts, which were posted in good faith? She has had more than her fair share of put downs, putting her in her place, and general nastiness...

And all the single parents had the pressure of the relationship, the split and the added pressure of being a single parent.
Whose really competing here?

My comments aren't directed at OP, those are up thread. My recent comments are to you.

I am a single mum in the truest sense, no family nearby, ex-husband cut off contact with DS (now aged 6, he left when he was 2), inlaws intially very supportive have now cut off too. I am also nearly 48, DS has autism. I also have an 18 year old daughter. This is the second time I have been a single parent but this time it's much harder given my mum has died in the interim and my dad moved far away and remarried. I often find it really hard...but there's a big but. I am SO glad it's just me, I've got a good routine going, nobody else to answer to, DD is largely off doing her own thing. There are many many times I wish there was somebody else to share the load but in all honesty, my ex was the shittest father in the history of the world and he would never have coped with DS's autism, was a serial cheat, a totally inadequate human being, so in that regard, I am better off doing it alone. We manage. You get used to it. It's largely a good thing for us.

math smell has put it far more eloquently than I could.

I wasn't making it a competition, just responding to the claim a sahp understands what it's like. It would be like me claiming I understand what it's like to have disabilities because I had a cast two years ago and therefore had all the mobility problems. Completely ignoring the fact I was otherwise well, it was short term and I was on full pay, so in fact not anything remotely like having permanent disabilities.

So you are making it a competition then. You are saying all single mothers have it far worse than all sahms with a partner despite hearing from many single mothers who appreciate the upside, and ignoring the fact that living in relationships with men can sometimes get so intolerable that women end up in the role of single mothers.

yeah math that's exactly what I said .

Thanks for explaining about bad relationships, I'd never thought of that myself, like many I decided to leave a wonderful relationship and have no further contact with my child's father to become a single parent just for a laugh. Oh and to start competitions.

It shows an amazing lack of basic comprehension to think anyone who points out the two situations aren't comparable because they are different must be competing. Nor do I assume every sahm is a down trodden victim who just hasn't left their abusive relationship yet.

I think this when my DH is away with work for the week. Single mums deserve so much respect. I simply think they are super human!

It shows an amazing lack of basic comprehension to think anyone who points out the two situations aren't comparable because they are different must be competing.
I completely agree ^^

I'm a single mum to 4 one with asd, I don't find it easier on my own like some people say

Ever heard of financial abuse, Smell and Lurked?

Single mothers are not the only ones pinching pennies and wondering how they will survive financially.

Clearly it had not occurred to you that many single mothers are single because life with a partner was intolerable. It's not all roses on the other side.

Many single mothers would never risk taking on a partner again after their previous experience. Many would choose a life where at they at least had some control over how they dealt with problems and some hope for the outcome, over life with another grown 'adult' putting hurdles in their path.

Many say they have never felt loneliness quite like the loneliness of a miserable relationship with someone who was emotionally, psychologically, sexually, verbally and/or financially abusing them.

math yes, you're right, I'd never heard of abuse. As I said I left my dd's father for shits and giggles. And have raised her to teens without another serious relationship so I can win competitions on who has it hardest.

Clearly sarcasm hasn't occurred to you.

When exdp left I had three under the age of 8 and dd has Sen.

I was forced to move from rented house to rented house. It was hell on earth. I went from being comfortably part time to back to work full time and on more than one occasion had to go to a food bank. I even stole food.

One Mum in the playground brayed at me how she didn't know how I did it and I almost lost my shit
.
I did it because I had too and no one else would it's not a choice and it's not want I wanted for my dc.

However I would rather have been alone than continue to live with a man who thought nothing of fucking someone else behind my back.

Also when someone's husband goes away for the week with work and they post on Facebook 'single Mum this week!' Makes me want to kill them.