Single Mums - I don't know how you do it!?

[ChildishGambino]

Today was hard. It started off as good as every other day (she's so sweet in the mornings) but it was sooooo hot and DD was hot and was cross and needed attention all day and I think I have laryngitis and have lost my voice. Tonight she started looking sleepy. I fed her and got her into bed. Then she shit herself. I got poo on my arm and I cried. I was absolutely knackered by the time bedtime came and I was hoping to sneak out for a drink with my friend. DH arrives home and says he's tired and stressed and explains his day and, yes, it was worse than mine. He goes to the pub with my blessing - even though I've spoken to precisely three people today, I wanted to be on my own and read my book, 'Cows' by Dawn O'Porter if anyone is interested. It's really fucking good.

My AIBU is to wonder how the hell does anyone do this on their own, with no break, even at the weekends and why do we not respect them more?

To all the single Mums, I am I awe....

My friend is a single mom and she struggles.

The father hasn't seen the child since he was born and he's now 17 months old.

She's been in tears to me on MANY occasion about how hard and isolating she finds it, in fact a few months ago she even said she wanted to put him up for adoption because she can't cope anymore.

She always picks herself up again though because she has no other choice. I really, really feel for her though because she does find it hard.

I agree with jane. And I also have had snowflakes thoughts like gin

But really please don't go round telling single parents you don't know well how much in awe you are. I'm sure you mean it genuinely, but it can be perceived as patronising and somewhat insulting. It's as though people think that as a single parent you should automatically not be coping, or have lovely dc, or a career, and must be amazing to have risen above your natural inclinations to act like a daily fail stereotype.

People adding 'and you're on your own too!' on the end of a sentence that would otherwise be a minor compliment is also in the same vein. I hate it.

On the other hand, one of the most lovely, genuine compliments I ever had was a best friend randomly saying 'how the fuck did you do all this on your own?' when her dc was a few weeks old and her dh was at home doing his fair share.

I'm not doing that Lurked and that's partly why I put it here instead of telling people I know or putting on Facebook how fucking hard today was and my thoughts. This is nowt to do with the dailyfail.

Anyway, I'm off to sleep. Still in awe of anyone who did or does this alone, and hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Agree Lurked! IME you mainly get it from older professional men at parties, desperately trying to show how liberal and non-judgemental they are: "I have SOOOO much respect for single mums - I don't know how you do it!" Maybe this is how they flirt these days? Either way, it's really patronising and sort of puts you in the position of having to disclaim the compliment.

I'm a separated mum of four under 10. I struggle with not having a second pair of hands when the house looks like a bomb site - bad weather when kids are indoors, arts and crafts, friends over, birthday parties, several jigsaws on the floor. I struggle when the school rings me at work to say a child is sick and needs to be taken home. I struggle when a child is ill and I'm taking all the decisions. I struggle when it's ME that's ill and I'm trying to hold it all together while working out how ill I am. I struggle to ask for help when I'm really stuck and am dithering over whether it's easier to ask a mate than ring the kids' dad.

I do feeling proud and I am glad though embarrassed when people say 'you're great doing this on your own' because I actually think I am a bit . But I don't want to be told I'm awesome or a superwoman because I am neither.

Separating was a huge life upheaval for me and I am grateful to the people who acknowledged it and quite unforgiving of people who pretended they didn't know and/or found it easier to ignore me than deal with any potential awkwardness.

why do we not respect them more?

Personally speaking, I respect people as individuals and don't treat people as one homogenous group simply because they share a particular trait or situation. I think I would feel patronised if I were a single mother receiving this sort of praise.

Yes, it can be hard work being a single mum. It can be hard work in all sorts of situations though (coping with disabled or terminally ill children, caring for elderly relatives, multiple births, dealing with cancer, to name just a very few particularly difficult situations), so I would feel uncomfortable singling out single mums for praise simply because they are single.

We should just accept that we are all individuals, coping with our own individual difficulties, and should respect and support each other on an individual basis.

I know you didn't op, I just meant that because in rl plenty of people do, it's highly possible someone would mistake your meaning.

Yy fetchez. At a work gathering with different areas and departments it was mistakenly assumed that I was in a relationship with female colleague. No idea why, other than I wasn't married and she's gay, ergo we couldn't just be normal female friends. With the added bonus that my dd is dark skinned. It was hilarious watching a group of middle aged, middle class adult men fall over themselves to prove how open minded they were. Like liberal bingo.

One of my married friends recently told me he thought I was an awesome single parent and had no idea how I did it. I could have kissed him, it was such a lovely compliment (we were drunk mind so a bit honest with each other). I think it's nice when someone compliments my parenting/survival skills.

I'll happily take your awe childish so thank you for the appreciation / compliment. I'm a single adoptive parent (so in theory I guess a single parent by choice - though it doesn't feel like much of a choice when your only option to becoming a parent is to do it on your own!).

I'll freely admit that I find it really hard. The sheer bloody relentlessness of having to do everything and never having any 'me time'. However, I wouldn't swap it for the world. My DD is fabulous, best thing I ever did was get the chance to be her mum and I think she feels the same - at least most of the time anyway!

I do get what others say about it being easier on your own than with some useless twonk of a husband though. That would certainly have been the case with my ex.

I do it because I have to because I care.

I don't have to worry about being punched at the same time so that's a lot better than being married to a poisonous shitbag.

I know! It's unbelievable to me sometimes. Those days when I'm knackered or sick or just need a moment to myself, DH is there to take over... and I'm still always tired! To do it alone, I'm sure they've got some superpower they're just not telling the rest of us about
And the ones I'm closest too, they never complain either really (aside from normal mum talk moans), they just get on with it and their kids are well looked after.
They need to be honoured a lot more I think. I know loads say they just do it because they have to, but realistically they could just do the bare minimum and use the rest of the time for themselves, but no, most are as involved with their DC hobbies, games, days out etc as anybody else.... they're like toddlers, just somehow have the energy. Honestly don't think I could do it.

In some ways it's easier though. Nobody to answer to. You decide everything for your kids and don't need anybody else to agree. You decide your DC schedule and don't need to think of anybody else's schedule. You make all the big decisions without having to discuss and agree with somebody. You decide what school they go to, what clubs they do etc. You cook what you and the DC like. When it's finally bed time, you don't need a catch up chat or anything with anybody, you just wind down in your own time.

I think there are pros and cons for both, but I still think single parents are amazing and don't think I could do what they do. It's bloody hard enough to raise children with two adults doing it, let alone being run ragged with nobody to hand over to.
And then some will go to work on top of that! Exhausted just thinking about it.

I split with XP 7 years ago this month. He played Disney Dad like a pro, but finally fucked off completely 18 months ago.

To be honest DS and I have never been happier or closer. DS learned the truth about his wanker of a father (I had never badmouthed him until DS came to his realisation, and even then I only ever stated the facts) and I could stop being the buffer between DS and XPs irresponsibility.

I do what I do because I have to. I know a lot of women who aren't happy with their DHs - more who are unhappy than are happy. Women who say they can't stand their H, or he does drugs, or drinks or is financially irresponsible. But I live in an area where appearance is everything and it's far better to have the perfect family and be 'naice' than it is to be in a happy relationship. Unfortunately I'm too stubborn to have allowed myself to stay with my (physically, sexually, emotionally, financially) abusive XP for the sake of appearances. I have to bite my tongue at coffee mornings because every other thing I would say would be LTB.

So I know the grass isn't greener. I just focus on being happy in my own life. I don't think I know anyone where I would genuinely say "I want to trade lives with them". Yes, things are tough as a lone parent, particularly when I'm disabled and have a child with SN, but what else would I do?

And for the record, I have multiple chronic illnesses. Illness is allowed as a single parent, you just have to do it differently - have a duvet day, make a pillow fort on the bed and watch Netflix on the tablet with them, throw a sheet over the table, give them snacks and let them drag all their stuffed toys in there whilst you feel like death lay on the sofa etc. I taught DS how to use the toaster and microwave at 7, so I now get lie ins at weekends. If he wasn't so anxious I'd have taught him how to make me a cuppa by now (I was doing it for my DPs at 9, DS is 10). He is learning to help around the house, he does all the hoovering so far. I'm visually impaired so he knows to be my eyes around the house and has done for many years. When kids grow up around it, they adapt. Considering his DF was such an arse he is very different!

I swapped the relentlessness of it all with a heckler for just the relentless of it all and it felt like a holiday.

Mine were older when exH left (5 DCs aged 5 to 16 back then) but they all needed meals and all sorts of other support.

We were all much happier and not on edge all the time once exH was no longer living with us.

It's really interesting to think about. I read a lot of threads on here from women who are unhappy with their DH and want to leave but feel they can't for various reasons - financial etc. I always wonder how they do it and think that they must struggle a lot more than I do.

Childish, thank you 😊.
Some find singleparentdom easy, I don't particularly. I have 3 with no reprieve (every other weekend) and no family help. No financial help, so that's hard but things are getting better. The dcs are getting older by the day although sometimes I think I can't take it anymore and am on my knees with stress and the relentlessness of it all but I find the strength and carry on. I'm self employed and will be returning to my degree at some point. Being a single parent is my driving force because I want to provide for my children.
I too feel proud of myself. Everything my kids have is because I provided it for them. I get complimented by the school on how happy my kids are and they are all doing well. There's no way my kids are going to be statistics.
The saddest part for me is my kids don't have a dad but that's the way it is and I'm teaching them how to deal with it and be robust and selfishly that I have no one to share they joy of my kids with but hey, I'm an adult, I deal with it.
When shit hits the fan and life throws yet another curved ball at us and I don't know what to do I pray to God for help and then I look at my little kids faces and love them so much and I say to myself "you know what? Despite all this shit, I'm happy.". We've got nothing but each other but that's all that matters.
So thank you for the post, it's nice to know that actually some people out there do get it.💙

What they said! Exhausting as it is I love being single. It's a million times better than being married to an abusive bastard where you did all the parenting/chores etc anyway. At least this way I'm free :)

Out Of interest, if we DIDNT do it...

What would happen?

I can't explain why threads like this make me irrationally angry.

My mum raised twin girls from four months by herself. She is my hero.
I struggle daily with one daughter and a husband who is very hands on.

I think there is a difference between a single parent and those who share parenting.

Many single parents have a relentless task.

Some of those who share parenting seem to have an easier time than some who have partners.

I have two friends who have split with their partners. They get a huge amount of time to themselves. Kids staying with their father 2 or 3 nights a week, my friends are able to go camping, clubbing, weekend festivals etc.
Not something many of us

... are able to do.

*Many single parents have a relentless task.

Some of those who share parenting seem to have an easier time than some who have partners*

I agree with this in part. I used to have shared care which gave me a couple of nights child free time a week, but the nights they were with me were relentless with no-one to fall back on. They're with me the whole time and in some ways it's actually easier because we're in a better routine and the kids are actually much more relaxed and settled. It's relentless but calmer because they're not between to houses with two sets of routines and rules. They've said themselves they find it less stressful because they're not settling in to one home just to leave and go to the other.

Single mum here of 8 year old little girl. I have been single ever since my fiance finished it with me when she was around 9 months old, just before I was due to start back at work so I guess I have mainly only ever known parenthood as a LP.

Sometimes I beat myself up and feel I am not a good parent, I suffer the most financially.

I have to say though I have immense respect for all mothers, whether single or not. Its hard regardless at times, nothing can prepare you for it, even though it is rewarding in other ways.

It's the hardest job on earth. It it's the loneliness that is the hardest. Especially as I don't have any friends. Just look forward to going on Mumsnet & Youtube once DD in bed! X

Notsuch Seriously? Wow. Of course it's hard. I presume your kids see their father and so you get a break? I think that makes a difference also. My daughter doesn't see her father (his choice). So my daughter is around me 24/7

Thanks posters - at least I didn't get any overnight