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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Single Mums - I don't know how you do it!?

124 replies

ChildishGambino · 06/07/2017 22:07

Today was hard. It started off as good as every other day (she's so sweet in the mornings) but it was sooooo hot and DD was hot and was cross and needed attention all day and I think I have laryngitis and have lost my voice. Tonight she started looking sleepy. I fed her and got her into bed. Then she shit herself. I got poo on my arm and I cried. I was absolutely knackered by the time bedtime came and I was hoping to sneak out for a drink with my friend. DH arrives home and says he's tired and stressed and explains his day and, yes, it was worse than mine. He goes to the pub with my blessing - even though I've spoken to precisely three people today, I wanted to be on my own and read my book, 'Cows' by Dawn O'Porter if anyone is interested. It's really fucking good.

My AIBU is to wonder how the hell does anyone do this on their own, with no break, even at the weekends and why do we not respect them more?

To all the single Mums, I am I awe....

OP posts:
Smellbellina · 06/07/2017 22:33

I wish I knew some single Mums IRL I could talk to and tell them this!
Please don't

PodgeBod · 06/07/2017 22:34

Op I completely agree. Dp was ill tonight so went straight to bed and it made me realise how much I look forward to him coming home. I really don't think I would cope doing it every night. My sister is about to become a single mum and I've already pledged lots of support to her because I think it's a really brave thing to do.
It's really shit that society doesn't appreciate single parents at all.

MumazAZ09 · 06/07/2017 22:35

The best part is having the freedom to make my own choices about how to raise DD (family have plenty of opinions, of course, but, at the end of the day, it's just DD and me when everyone else has gone home). The worst part is having all the responsibility and all the guilt!

bigtastyplease · 06/07/2017 22:35

Have to agree with ploppy !

Original poster
ChildishGambino · 06/07/2017 22:37

Smell - I don't mean the feeling sorry for myself but the 'wow, you're awesome' bit.

OP posts:
BitchQueen90 · 06/07/2017 22:44

To be honest, I pretty much did everything by myself even when I was married to exh because he would rather come home from work and relax and play xbox than help with childcare.

I actually find it easier as a single parent because exh has contact days so I actually get a break every fortnight! Plus I don't have to justify what I'm spending money on, etc (being a SAHM when I was married I always felt guilty spending money).

I guess it depends on whether you have a supportive DH. I was used to doing everything by myself right from the start.

Routine is key in my house, I have a day off work on Mondays so I spend that day batch cooking meals for the week to save time. I get about 6 hours sleep every night and I'm tired a lot but honestly I can say hand on my heart I love being a single parent.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 06/07/2017 22:44

I've never noticed any difference. I was a brilliant mum when I was married and I'm still a brilliant mum now I'm a single parent. I don't find being a single parent hard, it puzzles me that people do but maybe I just had a really crap husband at the time.

Smellbellina · 06/07/2017 22:45

I"m not awesome! I'm a parent, same as you. We each do as we want/need to. That's it. We love them and do our best. Saying you couldn't do it etc is condescending to both of us!
A bit of shit on your hand is all part of it. You get used to it. I did sit and look at the poop on my hand the other day and think "huh, anyone elses poop I'd be the other side of happy"
And than I got a wet wipe.

Starlight2345 · 06/07/2017 22:46

Thank you mostly these threads descend into my life is harder than yours at some point..

Parenting is tough full stop.. My life is far easier than living with my abusive EX however not as easy as it would be with a supportive partner.

I have had a virus for the last 2 weeks finally clearing..My house is not as clean as it usually is, my patience level lower. Like most we all do the best we can.. Give yourself a pat on the back for getting through a difficult day OP.

Smellbellina · 06/07/2017 22:47

maybe I just had a really crap husband at the time.
Ha I do think that makes for an easier transition. Crap husband, good father is maybe easiest of all?

Original poster
ChildishGambino · 06/07/2017 22:51

Smell - yes, normally I would think exactly this lmao! I think I'm ill and it's making me feel shite (no pun intended!) ha!

A bit of shit on your hand is all part of it. You get used to it. I did sit and look at the poop on my hand the other day and think "huh, anyone elses poop I'd be the other side of happy"
And than I got a wet wipe.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChildishGambino · 06/07/2017 22:52

Thanks Starlight

OP posts:
theabysswithin · 06/07/2017 22:52

Echoing what others have said -- people vastly underestimate the stress a bad or even just a not that great father puts on you. Being a single parent is tiring and you generally have less money but its far, far better than being in a bad partnership where the (usually male) partner isn't pulling his weight.

I dare say my life would be better if I had the perfect marriage to the perfect father, but to be honest he would have to be pretty bloody perfect for my life as part of a couple to be better than it is now.

I have less money and less "me time" than I would if I was married. But I am totally in control of my home, my budget, my daughter's schooling, her food habits, what she watches on TV or reads etc. I don't have endlessly to over-compensate for someone who isn't pulling his weight on the domestic or financial front. I don't have to constantly apologise to people because he's cried off some event for reasons he won't explain. I don't have to second guess what he's going to want to do or not do at weekends. I don't have to provide endless one-way emotional support or suffer the brunt of someone else's shitty moods.

If you've been in a bad or even a sub-optimal marriage, being a single parent is a bloody breeze.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 06/07/2017 22:56

Single mum to 17 month old ds, always have been and no dad on the scene for the weekend breaks or maintenence payments. It's hard. Tbh the thing in finding more and more frustrating is the way friends and acquaintances just don't seem to understand that not only am.i single parent now but I'm also a single parent and I work full time, I have no family close by so I can't always be flexible. I'm getting guilt trips from my friend who is getting married as I'm hen do but can only go for one night of her 2 night hen do that I can't fucking afford. I'm getting grief from the other bridesmaids for not having enough money to go to the day event and told to stop stressing after they wanted me to pay for 3 crates of prosecco and food for 2 days even though neither of them were prepared to sort it.
If I can't find a babysitter I can't go out but people just don't get it. They also only ever offer to take him.so I can "go out and enjoy myself" but all I want to do is sleep. I've booked a day off next week just to sleep while.ds is at the childminder and I'm not even the least bit ashamed.
Despite all.my stabby rants I love the bones of ds and his little.happy face in the morning just incredible.

BitchQueen90 · 06/07/2017 22:57

I often see a common theme among us single mums - crap unhelpful exes. Maybe if I'd had a supportive DH I might have found being on my own more difficult. As it is, I find it liberating being by myself.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 06/07/2017 22:59

Im aware that most of my post is gibberish but it's been a long day...

Original poster
ChildishGambino · 06/07/2017 23:01

Moustache - that's shite I would expect more understanding from my friends

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 06/07/2017 23:02

I can't explain it but threads like this make me feel like I'm being patted on the head. I was/am a single parent since DD was 9 months old , worked , went to uni etc etc. Sometimes it was hard to do it alone , sometimes it was easier to do it alone.

Original poster
ChildishGambino · 06/07/2017 23:02

Morning smiles are awesome but the knackeredness is hard - especially when ill

OP posts:
Original poster
ChildishGambino · 06/07/2017 23:08

Creme I'm not trying to pay anyone on the head. Wtf!? Just suddenly wondered how anyone (male or female) does this on their own, no weekends off, no illness allowed. I really don't think I could.

This isn't meant to be patronising in any way.

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 06/07/2017 23:09

@DontTouchTheMoustache I have grown up in the same situation..

One thing I have learnt is when I do break they are all shocked and never realise as I paint on my smile on no matter what is going on.

I think moaning about your bad day with DC to partner is one thing I don't want to moan about my day to other people so sometimes it all gets too much..Then I bounce back you have no choice

CremeFresh · 06/07/2017 23:12

You just get on with it , there's no choice and you would be able to do it too if you had to. Smile

Original poster
ChildishGambino · 06/07/2017 23:15

My point is that today I properly cried and wasn't sure I could do it.

OP posts:
eeniemeenieminiemoe2014 · 06/07/2017 23:20

to be fair for the first month I cried most days thinking I cant do it.