Single Mums - I don't know how you do it!?

[ChildishGambino]

Today was hard. It started off as good as every other day (she's so sweet in the mornings) but it was sooooo hot and DD was hot and was cross and needed attention all day and I think I have laryngitis and have lost my voice. Tonight she started looking sleepy. I fed her and got her into bed. Then she shit herself. I got poo on my arm and I cried. I was absolutely knackered by the time bedtime came and I was hoping to sneak out for a drink with my friend. DH arrives home and says he's tired and stressed and explains his day and, yes, it was worse than mine. He goes to the pub with my blessing - even though I've spoken to precisely three people today, I wanted to be on my own and read my book, 'Cows' by Dawn O'Porter if anyone is interested. It's really fucking good.

My AIBU is to wonder how the hell does anyone do this on their own, with no break, even at the weekends and why do we not respect them more?

To all the single Mums, I am I awe....

I'm a single Mum and yes its hard. However I also think its easier in some ways. My rules, my decisions etc. I'm just sad that my DS has no male figure in his life and hope that this doesn't affect him as he grows up (he is 4 currently).

I think the blanket "single mothers are awesome" is patronising because it implies that you're somehow different, special or have more abilities than other women. It's the same thing that parents of disabled children often hear too. It's othering, because it assumes the speaker is setting themselves into a different category and that your situation must therefore be less than ideal and also less than their situation. Which is not actually how many single parents feel - as seen here many of us feel liberated and empowered by our status. I find that it implies that the speaker is sooooooo lucky to have their partner around and feels sorry for you for not having one, but lots of woman prefer not to have a man around! I don't feel like I lost anything, I've gained a lot instead. But I don't express pity at married friends for having to cohabit with someone ("And you have to live with a man! Poor you, I don't know how you do it...")

A heartfelt compliment from a friend about your own particular life situation and how you handle it is different, because that's complimenting you as a person.

I think the blanket "single mothers are awesome" is patronising because it implies that you're somehow different, special or have more abilities than other women.

Sorry to have offended you.

"And you have to live with a man! Poor you, I don't know how you do it..."

Actually quite a few of my friends have said this IIRC. And then we've both laughed because we know it's true.

But feel free to feel patronised if you like

TBH, I find the most pathetic thing ever to be the mums who post all over FB for example their undying gratitude to their own parents, their friends and H's parents for pitching in to help H with the kids while Mummy goes on a 2 day business trip, also having batchcooked 15 meals.

A bloke would literally say, I'm off tues, back friday, will miss you etc etc

I would never have the slightest respect for a father who didn't say, "don't worry, I have got this, I'll sort out pick ups etc, good luck at your meeting!"

I agree with fifthkey.

Othering is dangerous.

I am a single parent. I have disabled dc. I do not have super powers. I was not 'chosen' by God or whatever. I have not arranged my life circumstances to scam the benefit system and rob tax paying nuclear families. My personal and financial business are my own just as they were when I was a married parent.

I am as human as the next mother, I get tired and make mistakes. I do the best I can and do it willingly because I love my family and they fill me with pride every day.

The biggest challenge in my life is loneliness which is caused by othering and our current societal need to exclude and scapegoat.

We have no choice.

I hate that a lot of people assume I'm on benefits and don't own my own home.

I was a single mum for a few years & routine was the key to success. I had everything running along like clockwork so on a day to day basis it was fine, mostly lovely (occasionally lonely).

It got hard when either Inor my child was sick because you just want to rest but you can't, but those times always passed.

Sometimes I think it was easier back then too, it was my house & my rules and life was really simple!

Now I'm married & have two more children & it's much more work living with a man at times, but for those occasions when you're ill, it's a blessing to have someone take up the slack!

I think it's hard for all parents, we all do our best.

Goodness, I didn't know I had to feel bad for feeling patronised. Guess as a lowly parent I should take all the headpats I can get, right? Just think how it would feel if you were continually told "wow, I couldn't do that! You're amazing!" for breathing, or walking down the road, or making toast. It's not amazing. It's hard work, but lots of people work hard. It is not some superhuman feat. Don't pity us. Don't applaud us. Tell individuals if you think they've done something great.

I agree with Fifthkey. Instead of being 'in awe' it would be much better to push government for better access to affordable childcare, family friendly working policies, reintroduction of Surestart centres... basically all the stuff that would level up the playing field

This is bulllshit. I'd had a particularly difficult day and couldn't imagine how it could be harder. I used my imagination and complemented a whole sector of society who are put down and unappreciated and now all I'm getting for it is shit. Wow. I'm going to ask for this to be deleted. How can something to genuinely meant turn out to be a fucking insult?!

You're not getting shit and nobody is taking it as an insult. We're just asking you to think about how it feels to be on the receiving end of what you intended as a compliment, and to see that it's complex. It's like the way we assume saying someone looks thin is a compliment, but really it could be for all sorts of reasons, and upsetting for many. The person would probably smile and say thank you, but it doesn't mean it wouldn't create difficult feelings in them.

So ignore I say to my Mum that she's incredible and I cannot believe what she did for us, that's patronising?

To tell another woman I admire her is patronising?

Fine.

I said quite clearly that if you compliment an individual for what they've achieved, that's great and not patronising at all.

I used to think this about single parents! Then I became one! It's relentless!

Well I appreciate the sentiment OP. It is hard at times and a virtual pat on the pack never goes amiss. However I have to agree with others, It would be better if people could turn their sympathy into action and get behind the campaigns and petitions to ensure children of lone parents don't end up in poverty (25% currently do). We need massive changes in ensuring absent or non resident parents support their children for starters. We are getting nowhere as there isn't enough support. There is a lot people could be doing to assist the most vulnerable people in society, our children. It feels like lone parents are at the bottom of the pile at the moment.

Thank you OP.

I'll take the compliment. It's not patronising at all. In fact as a single mum of 2, one of which is disabled and with an violent ex who has isolated me, I need all the support I can get

It was far easier being a single mum in full time work than it was to have my cocklodger of a husband hanging on

op don't have a tantrum because people are politely explaining why it often comes across as patronising and insulting.

The inference is that you, as a respectable mother in a relationship find it hard sometimes, therefore you are in awe that we, the supposedly inferior single parents can cope. It doesn't matter whether you meant it like that, but use your imagination again and think why that might not be gratefully received.

Surely it's acceptable to suggest that being a single parent might be a fuck load tougher than with someone else? I don't care if you don't gratefully receive my astonishment that someone can do this (very hard job) alone.

And I didn't say anything about you being inferior.

I do it because i have to. I get added "omg how do you cope with a toddler and a dog?" because i have ddog as well as ds but ive managed from day one albeit theres been hard days along the way the 2 of them keep me going

I am in the very lucky position of having a good dad around so have nights off every so often/ am able to work long shifts while he does wraparound care etc. He's also fab with maintanance, never late and whilst it's not a fortune it certainly helps and he often buys bits willingly e.g. Swimming goggles, a birthday card for a party, Milk or whatever that I've asked him to pick up.

Honestly? I have a great life. Never in a million years would I want to go back to living with him, for a while he may be a great, fantastic even, parent, he was a shit partner.

I adore being able to do whatever I want with my girls in the evenings, laying in bed late, eating a rubbish tea if I'm exhausted, having games evenings, leaving mess around and no one to have to tidy for except myself. It's great! And whilst of course it's not easy... I'm not a natural parent... it's much much easier than when I was living with DP.

I fully recognise I'm lucky in my position though. If ExDP was a shit dad I'd be stuffed. I couldn't work (nurse/ 13 hour shifts/ nights etc and no family locally), worked be tired and stressed and miserable most likely.

I should add it's my children's dad that around btw, not my own! It reads very oddly 😂

I didn't take it as patronising at all. Thank you for recognising how hard it is. It is relentless & so tough. Especially with a child that continually refuses to sleep. It goes beyond exhaustion & yet you still need to get up & get out to work/school. No one ever offers to babysit just so you can get a rest. They offer so you can go out which is the last thing you want to do because your so tired. It's not worth the hangover either with no one else to amuse the child. It's not all bad . Iv just had a particularly shitty week & your post just made me feel a bit better.

trees are you me?! You have described exactly my week, and how the OP's post made me feel. Spooky...