Calling all Female Main breadwinner

[Imariamani]

How do you feel about your role being financially responsible for the family ? Are you happy with it, no choice or resent it ?

Journo?

I'm moving into this role after 4 years part time. I'm totally fine with it. Should I not be? Pretty dumb and vague question.

I break down in tears daily and never really trust him not to put his dick in the salad crisper.

I will start off with my own story, I think I fall in the category of resent it, atleast starting to, I feel guilty that I feel this way as DH is generally a good husband, helps around the house, kids etc. DH has worked probably 6 months of our 5 year marriage, i have had to spend a lot of money supporting him with various things, we have hardly any savings, since he has cost me a lot of money on various things, we will probably never buy a house on my single salary. He is not the 9-5 type according to him, he started one business and didn't really pursue it much and gave up, he has various business ideas nothing concrete just really doing nothing. I just had a baby awful caserean and back at work after 6 weeks, so i am a bit peeved. He is very hands on with managing "our" money, and for example recently vetoed me sending our son to bilingual nursey because "we" couldn't afford it. I find the breadwinner role exhausting, especially since I'm not earning loads, quite frankly considering giving him the boot because of it. We otherwise have a good relationship.

AGAPINTHEMARKET I am sorry if you find the question dumb, you were under no obligation to respond. Thanks.

No choice. Only breadwinner.

It's not 1917. It doesn't matter if you have a vulva and income ffs.

I'm a single parent therefore the main breadwinner and I love it. I love being self sufficient. Knowing that if I want something then I work for it and earn it and no one can take anything from me because I've paid for it. I also love that I'm the one who is responsible for bill s and mortgage because I know I won't let myself down.

Sounds like you have a cocklodger
which is a very special - and unfortunate - subset of those who are the only breadwinner

You belong to that unlucky subset
No wonder you are fed up.
If you LTB, you'd still be the only breadwinner - but maybe less work to provide bread to fewer people.

I've mostly been the higher earner, and so long as we have both been working it's been fine. dh did a long time of SAHD and after a while I really resented it (it was good for our children and I wouldn't have wanted to be at home, just went on too long). I felt all the responsibility sat on me, with him having a fun time at home (children at school so not very hard work) while I was doing a job that I didn't particularly like but felt I had no choice in and stressing about money. Felt much more equal again once he went back to work, and we went from counting the pennies to enjoying life a lot more.

So LTB, and put your DS in bilingual nursery.

Is he really generally a good husband? It's well known that the bar for that tends to be set rather low. A lot of women automatically parrot that he is a good husband and father, and only after further conversation they divulge that they are exhausted of doing the job of two adults virtually alone.

If your roles were exactly reversed would you consider yourself a good wife? And if he's not working, how come he only "helps" around the house and with the kids? Surely that should be his primary role? Think carefully about what he contributes to the family - is it anything an au pair couldn't do?

I am working hard to be, because my husband is just happier not working and I see his depression worsen when he works. So as soon as I can make both our salaries, or mine and a half, he'll stop working

I am, mostly out of choice. We emigrated time my home country and had to wait for DH to get the legal right to stay. Now he has it he can work but we've got into a routine between us. Although we are moving into both of us working from home.

It can be stressful but it was the same the other way round when DH was the breadwinner. Mostly I love it and enjoy throwing people off when they expect it to be the other way round (maybe a little too much). But I admit that I have a very good husband. He does all the child and home stuff while I work.

I was the only one earning money for over six years (out of a ten year relationship.) I didn't mind at first but grew to resent it as my husband became increasingly controlling over money, spent my savings, did fuck all at home (when we had one) and didn't bother looking for work as he had a voluntary job, (I work part time and don't earn much.) He finally got a job last April and in September I took total control of my own money, and in November asked to increase my hours and got them. We're in a funny situation at the moment as we live with his parents and are saving up to move out, only he's not. And I'm figuring out how I can get a divorce as I am fed up. He nearly quit last year because he was stressed, which I got a lecture about from his friend who is ten years younger than me and lives with her parents, because apparently living with a cock lodger while doing a crap job that makes you miserable so you can survive isn't as bad. We're still married, but our relationship has broken down and his friend can have him. (Notes, we both pay rent, but while I buy and cook my own food his mum does all that for him. I say cook loosely, I live off salads, pasta and soup, he eats junk food which I can't stand. Him controlling the money ended up with me having to ask permission to buy even the most basic things and he tried to stop me from having my own phone, a cheap PAYG. His mum pays his phone bill too, and he has a fancy iPhone.) This turned into a much longer post than I intended.

I am the sole breadwinner but it is complete role reversal. DH does everything you would expect of a SAHM. Both have equal access to money but neither are big spenders. We budget together and have the same long term goals. I like having him at home so that childcare isn't a worry and when I return from work there is minimal housework to do and my dinner is made.

OP, sorry to say that it sounds as if your issue is not with being the 'main breadwinner' (after all, quite a few women do earn more than their partners). It sounds more that your DH is a drain rather than an equal partner in your relationship.

Please look at what you have written - he 'helps around the house' (only 'helps', when you work full time outside the home?); he 'has worked probably 6 months of our 5 year marriage' (why? because he has been running the household/looking after your kids? - or because he can't/won't get paid employment?); 'I have had to spend a lot of money supporting him with various things' (why?); ' he has cost me a lot of money on various things' (why?); 'he has various business ideas nothing concrete just really doing nothing' (again, why?). And yet you say you have a 'good relationship'?

If someone else had written that post, would you think they had a 'good relationship' with their DH? Would you think that seems to be an equal partnership, or one where the writer seems to be running herself ragged while her partner seems to be doing little or nothing?

I wish you all the best in getting your head round all this

Like Kaniel I am the sole earner in my household but DH is the SAHP and does all the household tasks - childcare, laundry, cleaning, cooking, bins, diy, garden etc etc.

I'll do my share of household chores when home but dh normally gets it all done during the school day. He also does my business finances (tax returns, billing/invoices, letters) for which I pay him a small salary.

All income is family / joint / equal access and we have similar goals and spending patterns so no tensions there either.

I think OP is resenting her husband because he's a freeloading pisstaker rather than resenting her role as sole earner.

I am the higher earner. No i dont resent it. Why would I? Why would dh resent me if he was the higher earner.

It sounds like you dont resent being the higher earner. But resent him and his 'i am not a 9-5 attitude' and the financial restraints this puts in you and his control of the money.

Is he going to be a sahp? Because i eould resent dh if he became sahp by default because he couldn't be arsed getting and keeping a job. I would resnt that i had to go back to work so soon, that there was no discussion around it.

My dh has his own business and earns a wagem hebpicks the kids up from school everyday and does their dinner. He pulls his weight financially and in the home. He doesnt expect us to put his interests in front of the families.

This isnt about who earns whatm its about you not getting support from your dh.

Love it. Have always liked taking care of my family.

Yup main earner. Dp does me than just 'help' around the house mind you

Your h is taking the piss though isnt he? What exactly does he contribute to the house? He is incredibly lazy.

I am also a single parent and am completely self sufficient, I thank my much younger self for pursuing a career and sticking at it as I was able to separate from h last summer without any worry over money.

Me. Dh has a fluctuating disability, life overall is better if he's not in work though it's quite a fine balance. Ultimate aim is back to work, likely to move towards voluntary work in a year or so and i personally think that would be the right place to stop. We are lucky that we do ok on my salary, though life is more limited on one income. Dh at home does make working a lot easier. When he is well things are fine, i think work is a short cut to self estem and dh has to generate all that himself.

I'm very happy with it, we both work hard at jobs we're good at. Mine is better paid. Dh does slightly less hours so slightly more around the house. All money is shared so I don't think much about where it comes from.

4 months after DS was born DH jacked in a good job to become a SAHD and I went back to work. It was meant to be just for a year or so, but a decade down the line and it still works well so there's no particular reason to change it.

DH is a great father, heavily involved in the school/community, cooks etc - and most importantly means that I can do a job that I wouldn't otherwise be able to do as it involves working away a lot.

We paid off our mortgage a few years ago so the pressure is off me on that side of things, and I certainly don't resent the fact that he doesn't earn although I sometimes resent the fact that he doesn't do a lot of cleaning while I'm away... but I think it's a small price to pay.

If he didn't act like he was above working and did his best to earn what he could, I expect you would feel differently...even if you still earned more.