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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Calling all Female Main breadwinner

103 replies

Imariamani · 06/07/2017 02:00

How do you feel about your role being financially responsible for the family ? Are you happy with it, no choice or resent it ?

OP posts:
anchor9 · 06/07/2017 07:38

wow OP i would chuck him hard. 6 weeks???? why did you have a child with this man????

LogicalPsycho · 06/07/2017 07:48

OP if you are out working as the sole household income, with a 6wk old baby at home, no direct access to the cash that you earn, and your H is sat on his arse at home deciding what you can afford from the income you earn, then you aren't a Breadwinner OP- you are a slave. Flowers

Brokenbiscuit · 06/07/2017 07:50

I never really give it much thought tbh. I earn much more than he does, and that's just how it is. He works just as hard as I do, so no resentment from me.

anchor9 · 06/07/2017 07:51

I am a SAHM currently and that is my choice. i would absolutely resent having to spend my time anywhere other than with my baby! reading this makes me want to go and give my DP a big cuddle and maybe a blow job for being happy to be the sole (financial) provider!

lionsleepstonight · 06/07/2017 08:01

I'm the main breadwinner, and DH does work full time, but just doesn't earn as much as me. But I was totally aware that this would be the case when we got together.
The main thing is he works hard and contributes, nor does he dictate how our money is spent.
I couldn't be with a man who wouldn't work to provide for my family.
You are the sole breadwinner, not the main one. Big difference.

drinkingtea · 06/07/2017 08:07

I agree you're not "the main bread winner" you're supporting a parasite.

You'd be "The main breadwinner" if prior to having children you'd both worked close to full time, but for whatever reason (either because you were on a higher salary, or had better long term career prospects, or because he was more temperamentally suited to childcare) you'd decided between you that he'd be a stay at home dad.

Being the main bread winner is fine and fair in the second situation. Your situation is incredibly unfair and unsatisfactory and needs changing.

Cacti · 06/07/2017 08:11

Both me and DP work full time, I earn more. He was the SAHP for our DS until he started school whilst I continued working.

I don't resent it, it made sense for the one who earned more to remain in employment. DP loved staying at home with DS but was itching to go back to work by the time DS was 4.

Over time I've kept moving into better paid employment but when I reach a plateau and DP catches me up, I would like to go part time for a few years so I can spend more time with DS.

I liked DP being at home but I'm glad he's happily in a job.

Heratnumber7 · 06/07/2017 08:23

In principle I don't mind it. Equality and all that.
However, it's not what I signed up for. I signed up for a marriage where we both earned and had a lifestyle appropriate to our income.
DHs inability to find a job after being made redundant means our lifestyle is compromised.

peukpokicuzo · 06/07/2017 08:29

There's a big difference between a woman being the higher earner and working longer hours in a partnership of equals, and a woman being a doormat with a cocklodger problem.

I earn about twice what my DH does due to our skillsets having different market values but all money is household money and we both work similar hours and put in similar amounts of time to household tasks and the mental load of running the home and caring for DC.

You sound like you have a cocklodger as previous posters have mentioned. Get rid.

JennyBlueWren · 06/07/2017 08:34

I would have loved to be a SAHM (at least for the first year) but DH was made redundant (with a decent pay off) just before DS was born. I went back to work at 6 months and he's been a SAHD for 2 years. As I had exclusively breastfed for 4 1/2 months it was a bit of a transition and I would come home to two exhausted boys. Now though DH is the favourite and the one needed for cuddles and they have their routines and ways of doing things.

Handily I'm a teacher so my DH gets a break in the holidays and I get to "play at being mummy". I like that I can be flexible about hours I work so if I need to stay late for a meeting or to catch up on stuff I can stay as late as I like without worrying about childcare. Similarly my DH likes to get out for bike rides on the lighter evenings so we try to arrange a couple of days where I aim to get home earlier.

LemonBreeland · 06/07/2017 08:41

I am the main breadwinner in as much as I earn more than DH and I work more hours. However that is totally different to the OP, who frankly has a cocklodger.

We haven't always been this way, it just happens that our current situation is this. We have been on the opposite side. Whoever works less hours does more of the housework etc. but nobody takes the piss.

Temporaryanonymity · 06/07/2017 08:41

Lone parent so I am the only breadwinner. I sometimes resent it as my above average salary is sufficient for our needs, but with a partner it would.be extremely comfortable. Ah well, at least I don't have a cocklodger sucking me dry....

Actually, I do have a "friend" of many years. We have a FWB type relationship. He joked the other day that he would marry me if i got the promotion I have applied for. I did ponder how nice it would be to have another adult around the house for a second, and then pulled myself together....

streetface · 06/07/2017 08:47

I earn more than my husband. It makes me feel secure. I hated maternity leave and the sense of panic of relying on a smaller salary earned by someone else.

Sadly, I couldn't be happy if he was a stay at home dad even though he was happy for me to take time off and he never ever made me feel less valued. For some reason it is totally ingrained in me that he should work and I couldn't be attracted to a man that didn't.

Ingrained prejudice I know.

Fergus425 · 06/07/2017 09:37

I break down in tears daily and never really trust him not to put his dick in the salad crisper.

GrinGrinGrin

feelingdizzy · 06/07/2017 09:42

I am the main(only) breadwinner as a lone parent. Honestly this doesn't bother me,my career is important to me,however am on ' holidays' now and all the home admin that needs to be done,really,really gets me down.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/07/2017 09:55

I am the main breadwinner and have been for all of our relationship because I am in a higher earning industry. When we had DS2 DH became a SAHD for a while then started a business. The business has progressed slowly but DH does do the bulk of the home related stuff. Sometimes I find it frustrating being the main breadwinner and feel a bit under pressure. However, DH does do his fair share around the house and with childcare so it is a fair balance. ( I do envy the fact he can take the summer off with the DC)

WineAndTiramisu · 06/07/2017 09:55

I'm the main earner, I probably earn about 50% more than my DP, however he works longer hours than me, and our money is shared, which I have no problem with.
My ex was "starting his own business" and frankly did fuck all and the business failed due to him being a twat, now this I did have a problem with! You have a cocklodger and I'd certainly have gotten pissed off by now and shown him the door...
Bear in mind he may likely get maintenance etc if you do leave

ginnybag · 06/07/2017 09:57

I'm the main earner in our house and have been for a couple of years. Before that we worked equal hours and earned about the same.

In our case, we made a joint decision to reduce my DH hours. His job is just that, a job. He's been in it a long time, and it's completely stable, but it's going nowhere and his earning capacity is limited.

My job, on the other hand, is senior in a small company which is growing rapidly and has the potential to mean he could quit work altogether in a few more years. I currently earn twice what he does.

The trade off, though, is that I struggle with time off, particular short notice adhoc stuff for school. We both felt it important for DD to have someone who could go to things like that, and our current arrangement means we don't need childcare during termtime, and only need a couple of days each week of the holidays.

It's not been plain sailing, and there have been times when I've felt he's been taking the piss a little bit with lots of trips a week to our local coffee shop after school where he also goes to play card games rather than doing the larger share of housework we agreed as part of the arrangement or doing things for and with DD, but we've talked about those and sorted it, and it mostly works fine.

Our bank accounts are joint and always have been and I manage the finances in terms of bills and such. He has a spending money account which is his to do with as he pleases

ChildishGambino · 06/07/2017 09:58

My DH works full time and so do I. I earn more. There's a difference between being the main breadwinner and having a husband who has worked 6 MONTHS in five whole years!!!

Tazerface · 06/07/2017 10:02

I am, DH was made redundant nearly five years ago - it made sense for us to do things this way as I have the greater earning power.

In general, I don't mind it. DH is a good dad. But he's a lazy house husband. All our kids are at school now, but he's very much the type to do the bare minimum. He is bored, it would be good for him to get a part time job.

MagicMoneyTree · 06/07/2017 10:03

Fuck me. There's a massive difference between being the main breadwinner and being with the cocklodging piss taker that you describe op. No wonder you're resentful and thinking of leaving him. The nursery veto would have been the final nail in the coffin for me I'm afraid.

myusernamewastaken · 06/07/2017 10:08

Im a lone parent too so am the only earner....its scary sometimes but my kids are getting older and i can earn enough to keep the roof over our heads.

jaynelovesagathachristie · 06/07/2017 10:17

I'm in a odd situation I do have some resentment for, I work in the evenings and well paid job for 3-4 hours with a 3 and 1 year old. Oh works full time as co owner and lead designer in his company it's a new small business that's still growing so he's taking a low ish wage. I earn more and have always earnt more. I do all household things and all child things I haven't properly slept for 3 years. I kick oh to take on helping more with the kids which he does no problem but I HAVE to ask it's not implied, my head is always working I never get a day off or even a lunch in peace. So yeah I get resentful but it's a long process changing the mindset

Imariamani · 06/07/2017 10:22

As many of you have rightly stated title is incorrect, I am the sole breadwinner. My husband does all the chores whilst I'm at work, so he does more than help, he also cooks, So I always have a hot meal when I get back from work. On weekends we share household duties. Previously I was okay coping with him working this was prior to us having children, he was doing bits and pieces of business here and there and bringing in sporadic income, which was by no means regular, I'm talking once in three months type of thing, he also worked in a sales role for two months but the company went bust. My annoyance has grown since we started having children, living in London on a single wage is pretty hard, I earn a relatively decent salary but not to support a man and two kids on my own!. We meet our monthly outgoing, rent, food, bills etc however we have very little money left over to save. Any kind of unexpected costs, could put us in a pickle. My DH is not really academic, didn't do well at university and has never really worked 9-5 he has spent his life getting by, at one point hid business was quite successful (before I met him) however since we have been in a relationship nothing really. I on the otherhand very academic, unfortunately didn't get into the career I wanted so doing something else which pays decent but I do not particularly like. Hence I find it a bit annoying that he gets to start businesses faff about trying to make money unsuccessfully whilst I'm working hard, full time plus freelance work, to support the family, which has been a struggle, I have literally aged 10 years. And I feel annoyed my children don't get to have the life I envisioned because he is not pulling his weight. He is very hands own in relation to finances trying to cut costs here and there but quite frankly I just feel annoyed and think he should just get a job! Plus we just had a baby and I went back to work at 6 weeks, I feel incredibly upset not getting to spend time with my newborn, and my grandmother is living with us to look after the baby.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 06/07/2017 10:25

Hang on - he's not working but your grandmother is looking after the baby?!!

Why do you need him, exactly?