Calling all Female Main breadwinner

[Imariamani]

How do you feel about your role being financially responsible for the family ? Are you happy with it, no choice or resent it ?

No huge issues here. It's hard on a single income for a family of 5 but we expected that. He's doing his degree part time which will pay out in the end, I'm climbing the career ladder and come home to a dinner and a clean house most days (which I don't expect or take for granted, same Ashe doesn't weekend lie in's when I give him some him time).'

I had a "do nothing" DH. I was still in hospital after a C Section when a pipe burst at home. He did not get it repaired in case he had to pay the bill. I was back at work 2 weeks after the birth/Csection. He did nothing was more trouble than any of the kids or work or even the whole lot put together. 6 months later he was out the door. He would not listen about the rating of a cooking item and gave one of the DCs food poisoning.

It was the best thing I did. He produced no money or household work. Now years later he is giving it out that he paid a fortune in Child Maintenance but not one penny reached me. He refused the opportunity to visit Child Support with me and ask for the money back.
Total idiot but the DCs seem to be taking him as truthful.

I would resent it too.

DH and I are very traditional and both share the view of the man being financially responsible for the family, so neither of us would be happy if that were the case.

I won't say I am the sole breadwinner but I do earn a lot more than my DH. I see us as a dual income household. I pay a much larger share of the outgoings and we have separate accounts. We wouldn't dream of controlling or questioning each other's discretionary spending. Although we have both agreed to put aside a certain amount each month as savings and home deposit. My partnet was unemployed for a fairly long period in our relationship and it waste definitely difficult on my one income. I did resent paying for everything. I dont care that I pay for more or even pay for most but I want to see and feel that my partner is contributing and doing his best to contribute SOMETHING. He felt like shit when he wasn't working (it wasn't due to health reasons) as it made him feel like a leech (his words) but he was a bit fussy when it came to looking for work so that was where I started to get annoyed after a while.
Your DH sounds lazy. If you are the sole breadwinner then he should be doing ALL the housework, cooking and child care not merely "helping".

My partner does a lot more housework than me but that's not becuase I earn more than him. It's simply becuase he is a neat freak and I am a lot more lax about housekeeping standards. I do pay for a cleaner every 2 weeks though.

"Do people feel that SAHM's "lack ambition" though?

It's a fair question. As a SAHM myself for over 10 years, I can only say that my priorities changed after the DC came along. I guess that change in priorities was only possible though because DH is highly ambitious and saw it as his role to provide financially. I have been very fortunate to never have any worries in that regard and I do respect DH all the more for that. I would have been devastated at having to return to work 6 weeks after having a baby, so YANBU at all OP.

I don't think lack of ambition is a bad thing anyway.

What I want out of life is to be happy. I'm very clever and have a good education behind me, but I do a minimum wage job I enjoy because I don't want a career. It's just not what I want, and that's fine, because as long as it's legal, people should feel free to spend their lives as they see fit.

I've always been the higher earner (although this may change in the future). I earn just over double the amount my husband earns. No, I don't resent him. All of our money is joint money, I insisted upon that. We are equal partners in our marriage and this doesn't have a bearing on it. Would it be fair for him to resent me if I happened to earn less than him?

To be honest I feel pretty guilty a lot of the time as he works a lot more hours than me these days, does most of the housework and is an excellent, loving father to our DC. The balance in every relationship will be different and, as long as it is balanced and both partners are happy, who earns what is pretty irrelevant.

Based on your OP, the issue seems to be that your husband is lazy and does not contribute much at all, financially or otherwise. I think focusing on the financial aspect is a mistake because you probably wouldn't care about that if he was a good partner and pulling his weight in other ways.

That said, having to return to work six weeks after having a baby is not something I could have coped with or accepted. He should have stepped up and done something, any job even temping, to ensure that you did not have to do that. The fact he didn't shows disrespect and selfishness so you are not unreasonable to resent him for that.

I have mostly (and do now) earnt more than dh. He has also had periods of not working much/at all and being at home with the dcs. I really don't mind, I like working and when they were little I would rather they were with him than anyone else. Now they are preteens and teens he has started a new business, he is working hard atm and I do look back to his SAH days with nostalgia, it made my life much easier, his current income - less so.

I'd be very unhappy with that situation. I don't subscribe to the 1950s theory that men only work but the lack of work ethic would turn me off. I believe work should be a shared burden not a sole one.

I earn 6x my DP. I am highly educated and had a great career before we met. He is not and had travelled the world doing lots of random things. On paper you would never put us together.

I now have a great freelance career and he has a small business. I'd like not to have all of the financial responsibility but without his support I could not live where I do (project house and huge garden) and our son would not get the input he does from two available parents.

We do not share finances but everything either of us wants is paid for.

I went out with plenty of high earners and found them all a bit dull!

I wrote the comment about 'lacks ambition' and what I actually said was that I would find a lack of ambition unattractive. But I find ambitious men attractive and one of the things that attracted me to DH was his work ethic so if that was to change for no good reason I would find him less attractive.
No judgment at all on men or women who choose to be a stay at home parent, I think that's a really important and hard job in itself.

Before having kids, no, didn't resent it. But now, if it was my husband earning my salary (and worked full time), I would be able to cut down my working hours or take a less stressful job without any worries. But, wouldn't say I am exactly resentful. My husband is an equal partner in looking after the family, and I couldn't wish for a better husband.
Wouldn't swap him for anyone else. No matter how rich they were

I'm a single
Parent. I do have a partner of
6 months but we don't live together. I earn 36 k and pay £700
Mortgage and £700
Childcare.
I dislike it and wish I had more support but I don't. I am always amazed when two income
Families talk about being "skint".
Canni get my head around it

My DH doesn't work, he home educates our child. I have so much more respect for him than whatever his pay packet happens to be.

He is a very strong role model for our DD.

I hope he values me at more than the wage I bring in too!

Hooliodancer I feel exactly like you,the burden of worrying about the family's finances is too much for me alone, and I resent that. I need to tell him to get a job maybe some kind of ultimatum not sure how to though, he acts like he is not the 9-5 type, and should have his own business which he has not managed to get off the ground. I have lots of hobbies I would like to turn into money, but I'm not going to stop my 9-5 pursuing a dream, when we are not financially sound. It irks me that he gets to faff about trying all sorts whilst I should stay in my 9-5 because that's what "I'm made for". .... I'm not bothered about what he does just want him to pull his weight and not leave the responsibility for me, we have free childcare so there is no reason he can't work. We will never get a mortgage with my salary alone, I'm now looking into buying a property with my brother, which I shouldn't have to. I know money isn't everything but I'm just fed up, since day 1 I feel like I'm sponsoring him, paid for our entire wedding, bought the rings, honeymoon everything, paid his rent plus pocket money when we were not living together. I did all this because he was trying to sort himself out, but now after 5 years of marriage it's still the same. We have great family time together, but this money issue is a huge problem for me.

I would say that SAHPs don't have as much professional ambition, because if they had they would probably not be SAHPs. But I would not say that it is something they "lack", because it's not a moral choice. Ambition comes in many forms, earning money is only one of them.

OP, I don't think the problem is that you outearn your husband, the problem is he's one of those twats who thinks they are creative and special and above the daily grind....yet are quite happy for someone else to subsidise them. He's not doing childcare or homemaking, he's not contributing to the household and all he's doing is taking. I think anyone would be resentful of that.

If he won't listen to you when you explain how this makes you feel and how unfair and one sided it is, you have the option not to remain in this situation. Honestly, since you're already the earner and have free childcare in place, I cannot see what you'd be missing.

To anyone saying that men at fault if they l et women go back to work after 6 weeks isn't that incredibly controlling and sexist if the women want to work. Who sets out some divine principle that women must not work for x weeks after birth? Are their tablets of stone on which it is written and any woman who goes back to work sooner must be ill or mad or have a bad husband? Surely we should be allowed to make a choice to return to work early without someone saying we are mad or bad or in effect abused by a husband who allows such a "dreadful" (not) thing to happen. We should instead live and let live. People differ. Let men and women have choices.

I cannot see what you'd be missing.

The worry for me would be contact arrangements if they split. As the at home parent (whether or not he was doing any actual parenting or letting granny do it all) he would have a strong case for full time custody (sorry I know that's not the term anymore, but I can't remember what it's called) - and the op would be required to pay maintenance. Still an option of course but certainly worth consideration/further investigation?

I was a SAHM for 8 years - DH sole earner while I also took further qualifications (and occasional paid work) during this time. We then swapped - although DH has always worked and hours to fit His - and still earned a reasonable wage - as he became the main carer (used to drive me mad when the school rang me - he was the contact!!). I earn a lot more now than him - and this is possible due to his complete support and encouragement - so no I do not in any way resent him - after 30 years I appreciate my lovely feminist DH more than ever! (Though he does say he has only supported me so he can stop working - not that he has!)

His = DCs!

How old is your latest baby?

Why do you continue to breed with him if you're not happy ?

I'm main breadwinner but my husband works full time so this situation doesn't really apply to us. We both have pensions, the money is our money.

magic not true.
My SAHD ex has less residency of DS2 (DS1 chooses to live with me) even though I work full time.

We made a nearly 50:50 clean break financially.