Calling all Female Main breadwinner

[Imariamani]

How do you feel about your role being financially responsible for the family ? Are you happy with it, no choice or resent it ?

I'm the main breadwinner, DH has some money coming in but very little (he's self employed). The way we work is after all the essential bills are paid we put some aside for the DC (allowance that they know about plus money for bits like uniform, clubs, trips etc) then whatever is left is split between us, 50/50 because to be fair he's done all the childcare so i could get my career going and his share works out at not a lot more than I'd have to pay a childminder anyway, DH has no say in what I spend mine on and I have no say in what he spends his on. It works fine for us.

Has he got a massive penis? Is that it?

I earn more than dp and pay for the bulk of day to day expenses.

I also came to the relationship with a large savings pot which we used to buy our house.

In some ways I do feel resentful, but in others I'm glad to be in the position we are as I can support us and he loves his job.

I also had an ex who earned a huge amount of money but was financially abusive so I'd rather it this way round than go back to that any day

But by your own admission you knew what he was like before you had the children. Did you actually sit down and talk to him before having the children about what your expectations would be after having children, especially knowing that they bring added responsibilities and expense.

I think it is time for a full and frank conversation!

I am the main breadwinner through circumstance really. I earn £20k and DH earns £16K. We split the bills as evenly as we can - he pays the rent, his and DSD's mobiles, Netflix and his loans and I pay everything else.

I do sometimes resent being responsible for buying all the food, running the car, keeping the house going, clothes for the kids and so on but it's just the situation we've found ourselves in.

DH is very good at housework and cooking, he does more than his fair share. We both do school runs and things are ticking along nicely.

In 2 years I will have paid off some debts so we should be much more comfortable (at the moment we're always down to our last £20 at the end of the month).

I have worked hard to get to where I am career wise, I've got room for progression in my workplace and have undertaken numerous training courses, NVQ's and the like over the years to allow me to get the job I have now and I'm proud of that. I do wish DH had applied himself more so he could say the same, as opposed to working for minimum wage but it is what it is and we have a roof over our heads and food in the fridge

I'm actually very grateful for what we have.

Why is your grandmother looking after the baby if your husband is essentially a stay at home parent?

Reading with interest...

I earn about 40k and my boyfriend about 20k, but this reflects the fact that his job is much easier and nicer, with little responsibility or risk. He complains about not having money for pensions, property or things but we're equally capable people, and it's his choice - I'm not going to subsidise his choice if/when we live together. He's planning to retrain this year.

I'd like to have a nice job or not work, but I can't afford to!

There's no way I want to end up in your position, OP. Perhaps it's deeply entrenched sexism on my part, but I'd find it hugely unattractive.

I've no doubt you find it difficult to respect him. This has zero to do with degrees and academic aptitude. Neither I or DH have a degree but we earn well - £50k me and £35k him. You do what you need to do and he's not doing it.

I earn more than DH and we've also had times when he didn't earn at all, as he was home with the baby. This is not a problem for me.

What I would have a problem with is if I felt he wasn't pulling his weight. Being home with a baby is of course different, but he's not a SAHP if you have your grandma there to take care of the child. I would not be amused if DH was having fun casually trying out some hobby or business venture every now and then, expecting me to finance it.

My grandmother is looking after baby more because she wants to, and culturally that's what she is supposed to do I guess. My husband does not have a problem taking care of baby though. Kezi4 I completely a agree with you in that it may be sexist but I find it quite unattractive. I'm respecting him less and less and quite concerned that my children don't have much to look up to, I know finance isn't everything but I believe it's important to have a strong role model. My mother was a strong woman worked very hard (city lawyer) my step dad whom she married and had five kids making six of us did nothing worked on the odd occasion. My mum was really resentful about this and they split up eventually, after she paid for him to go to law school (14K) to better himself, and he still didn't do much, and he was not a good stay at hom3 dad either we had a nanny. Anyway I find myself in a similar situation except my husband is good with the kids and housework. I'm just a little bit annoyed my lifestyle is compromised because he doesn't work.

i worry about retirement, we wont have enough money to live off on my small pensions

he needs to go to work and is very very reluctant

that's it mainly!!!

Never been a problem. I spent my teens reading feminist books. MY children's father is a feminist.

However we both work really really hard indeed and are both careful wtih money so never had some of the problems couples have. We also both did as much at home and with the children as each other when they were little. We both have always both worked full time too so what is there to resent. I might earn more but he is excellent in his field.

My mother, teacher, supported my father whilst he finished his physics degree and then he did after that a medical degree etc and qualified as a consultant - he was doing exams until he was over 30. So I felt both parents working full time was the example. My mother's mother worked and was a single mother - her husband died when my mother was 9 months old and she did not remarry. Her own mother born in 1899 was widowed with a one year old and never remarried - so going back all those generations back we women have had pretty equal marriages and worked. However none of us has had a lazy so and so at home who does not even clean up. All the men have worked equally as hard and my father was doing night baby feeds i the 1960s and hoovered the house every week etc etc.

I think I'd feel the same as you OP, it's about self-respect too... I could never be a person who just potters around and expects someone else to pay for it.

Is he open to retraining? Would you be open to paying for it and supporting him?

Sounds like it's time for a serious discussion - you don't want to end up resentful with more kids and maintenance/spousal support to pay for.

I was in the resent it category with a cocklodger.

One of many reasons he is now an ex.

I don't think you're being sexist OP. Going back to work 6 weeks after having a baby sounds harsh to me. I would have been ashamed if my wife had needed to do that after any of our DC. As far as I'm concerned, she experienced the physical, psychological and emotional toll of childbirth and it was my job to make sure she could fulfil her instinct to be stay with our DC for as long as she / they needed. As it is, she's been a SAHM for 12 years now, but its what works best for us. I work hard, but so does she - just in different ways. Most men have an instinct to provide and protect and it definitely kicks in after babies come along. Not sure what's going on with your DH, to be honest, but that kind of mentality is unusual.

It's fine. Makes sense for us to have the kids at home, I didn't rush back to work - am just finishing 2nd year long mat leave.

I'm sure it contributes to minor arguments etc at times, but no more than it would if roles were reversed.

Oh and DP certainly doesn't try to control the money.

I'm the sole breadwinner, DH is a SAHD to our two kids (3.5 & 1.5)
He does 99% of housework, shopping & cooking, DIY, childcare during the week and all our admin.
I feel his contribution to our family is a big as mine, if not bigger, and respect him hugely for what he does

Going back after 6 weeks must be really hard particularly as you have been recovering from a operation. I have a 13 week old and would've been gutted to leave him so early. I hope you are ok x
In answer to your question YANBU I would find this really unattractive too as it shows a lack of ambition. It's also not unreasonable to be concerned about your future. If he was taking a career break to care for the children that would be one thing but there is no sign he is ever going to have a decent job. I would say that same if the genders were reversed.

Do people feel like a SAHM "lacks ambition" though ?

(I went back to full time work after 2 weeks and I would not tolerate a man who was ashamed of that! I find that comment deeply offensive. I am not a kept chattel of a man. If I want to work I will work and it is no one's business when I work and what is morally right an this idea that men keep women belongs circa 1880 or in sexist cultures where women serve and men earn and the sooner we root out that evil the better).

I think it made it easier for him to leave me and the dc when he "stopped loving" me, knowing we'd be financially ok without him. Make of that what you will.

I'm the higher earner but we both work.

I do more round the house as DH has to commute whereas I don't - which saves a considerable number of hours meaning I have more leisure time on paper. However he has some chores that he does so he makes a contribution towards housework to keep things fair and proportionate

You are resentful of being the main earner. You are resentful because your H is lazy and doesn't want to contribute anything at all - be it his time, his effort or his attention.

WORK WORK WORKZILLA sorry op after being over invested in a 3 thread saga I really couldn't resist

I feel very guilty saying this, but I resent it.

I know it's wrong, I am a feminist and I shouldn't mind. But I do.

I'm self employed and I have found the stress and worry almost unbearable at times.

I don't love my job, it's just a way of earning money. It's a lot better than many alternatives and I do mainly have a laugh at work.

I have had to ask my partner to get a job, any job because I can't go on like this.

I feel sorry for him having to do a minimum wage job way below the level he used to work at. But it has taken the pressure off me and I feel loads better.

I think I must have a deeply internalized bias about it. I know lots of men who work in my field who are the breadwinner, and I look at them with huge respect now.