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AIBU?

Wtf? I helped stuff the bags!!!

91 replies

Patriciathestripper1 · 05/07/2017 23:46

Met my friend at toddler group when our kids were 2. 10 years on and we still meet once a week for coffee. Our girls have play dates and we support each other in our relationships mostly via txt! Girls meet for birthday party's etc.. always got on great.
Sounds great dosnt it?
But I didn't get invited to her daughters communion and a mutual freind (who she only got to know via me 2 years ago via me) went. Am I right to feel pissed off??

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MeanAger · 07/07/2017 00:25

Have you really never heard of the fuss that is made about FHC in Ireland (do I have to specify Republic of Ireland)? In families other than 'Traveller families" ? Never heard people complain that it is all a bit ridiculous or had a friend in Ireland talk about what they were doing for the communion or read a newspaper article about it or heard something on the radio about restaurants booking out in May?

Really. Genuinely, truthfully, honestly, hand on my heart, may god strike me down and however many other ways you would like me to say it as what I have said so far clearly isn't enough. I have heard of children in some Belfast schools having fake tans and make up done for their communions but other than that I haven't heard of anything regarding invitations, bouncy castles, places being booked out or party bags being involved in holy communions.

but I wouldn't think that because I did things a certain way in the US or my friends in Ireland did it a certain way, it must be the same in NI.

Neither would I. Not sure where you think you have seen that I would.

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Longtime · 07/07/2017 00:32

Communion parties are the norm here in Belgium. Ds2's best friend from the age of 3 to 12 (they then went to different schools and drifted apart a bit) and his sister came to our house every day after school (I brought them home on the metro with my own dcs) for years (would have been about six years by the time he had his communion). Friend's dad picked them up around 7pm every day. Never once did he provide me with juice or after school snacks for his dc even when we were going through a tough time financially. He even asked at that time if there was anything they could do to help and I asked him to bring snacks but he never did. We saw the parents socially (and still do!) but when it came to ds2's friend's communion we weren't invited despite the fact that I definitely spent more time with him than anyone else there with the exception of his parents and sister. It may have been because Belgians are very family orientated and they know we are not catholic. I was hurt nevertheless. Was not surprised not to be invited to the sister's so less hurt.

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mathanxiety · 07/07/2017 00:46

Have you had any inkling up to now that the friend was having a hard time with her controlling husband?

Or has she ever been forbidden before from doing something she wanted to do or associating with a friend or family member, etc?

There may be an outside chance that this woman is genuinely living with a real arse.

Maybe probe a bit further. At the very least you will find out if she could do with some help. It is not unknown for controlling men to try to isolate a partner from friends.

You will also be able to find out if she is lying of course. But if it turns out that her life is not all roses, she might need a friend.

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mathanxiety · 07/07/2017 01:06

I have not seen any indication of big restaurant events, bouncy castles, party bags, etc., for Communion in Ireland. What I have seen is parties at home with family and friends and a big cake, sandwiches, fruit salad, etc.. A lot of children get gifts of money. My friends and family are middle class Irish people in both Dublin and country areas.

I wouldn't just show up to a communion party, any more than I would crash a Bar Mitzvah. The Bar and Bat Mitzvahs I have been to were by invitation, but the invitation was verbal and I went bearing gifts, which is the norm where I am.

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LagunaBubbles · 07/07/2017 01:13

What a pile of crap, both not bro g invited but helping and now it looks like you're being lied to. Either way not someone I would want as a friend. I often wonder when I read these type of threads does the other person actually stop to think about the consequences of their behaviour or do they just not care. Did she really think this wouldnt affect your friendship??

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Pallisers · 07/07/2017 01:49

invitations, bouncy castles, places being booked out or party bags being involved in holy communions.

I guess it is very different in NI then. In Ireland where I have friends/family and in the US, people invite friends and family to celebrate (the invitations), we book restaurants (because otherwise how would they accommodate 12 people on a Saturday lunchtime - it would be a bit nerve-wracking wondering if you could actually have lunch), loads of people I know in Ireland (middle class people even!) have a bouncy castle (not in US though), - now in fairness I have never heard of party bags for a communion.

For many of us it is a fairly nice celebration - a chance to invite people over and have a bit of a nice thing with kids and family and friends. I had a caterer for two of mine and invited all friends/neighbours/family. Had a lunch out for the other - again we booked the place because we were a large party.

I am particularly perplexed by the shock at invitations. How do the rest of you actually ask people to come to events? You invite them - right? Am I missing something? Does invitation mean something different in the UK - like an embossed card?

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Pallisers · 07/07/2017 01:51

What I have seen is parties at home with family and friends and a big cake, sandwiches, fruit salad, etc..

Isn't that exactly what the OP was not invited to?

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mathanxiety · 07/07/2017 02:06

There were party bags that the OP filled iirc, and some family members came from France to the event, so I think this shindig was a step up from the byob style events I have in mind. There was a family meal booked at at a hotel and also a party at home.

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mathanxiety · 07/07/2017 02:08

I guess I am thinking the Communion celebration the OP learned about was more comprehensive in nature than family and friends gathering in someone's back garden or squeezing into their sitting room if it rained.

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Pallisers · 07/07/2017 02:22

My understanding of OP was there was a family meal in a restaurant and she helped do the (unusual in my experience) party bags) for those. But then there was a big party after for family and friends at the friend's house - and she wasn't invited to that and didn't know about it.

It really doesn't matter if they hired a tent or not (otherwise isn't every party a gathering in the back garden or sitting room?). It was a more expansive party and OP didn't make it onto the invitation list.

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emmyrose2000 · 07/07/2017 03:23

Turns out she had a massive row with him one night and had said "even Patricia thinks you are controlling" during the row. He then banned me from the house. The thing is, I didn't even say that! She just made it up in the heat of the argument. And because of that I wasn't invited

What an absolutely shitty thing to say/do. I'd drop her like a hot potato.

Are you in contact with her DH in any way, or likely to run into him somewhere? Because I'd be really inclined to set him straight on the lies his wife told. I wouldn't tolerate someone making up lies like this about me.

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mathanxiety · 07/07/2017 05:41

I would not do that, just on the offchance that this man really is controlling and making the woman's life miserable.

The OP doesn't know it was a lie.

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Polichinelle · 07/07/2017 06:18

In Spain big parties are completely normal for first communions and families will definitely travel from abroad to attend. It's a religious ceremony followed by a big party. I would ask your friend as it is very odd

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Believeitornot · 07/07/2017 06:26

But I feel so pissed off about this now that I don't feel like being friends with her anymore. She was apologetic but I feel like our freindship has been damaged. I mean wtf? Im being punished for something I didn't even do!!.

What is her dh like?

My step father is a controlling dick and he ground mum down so much that she would be unable to see me but wouldn't recognise the issue. He did things to distance her from friends and family.

So if this is true I feel sorry for your friend. You're her long standing friend so of course he wants you gone.

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MeanAger · 07/07/2017 08:49

we book restaurants

As did we and others I know. I didn't say people don't book restaurants. I said I hadn't heard of places being "booked out" for the month of may.

How do the rest of you actually ask people to come to events?

The only people coming to the event were people who didn't need to be asked (parents-me, grandparents-my parents)

If it was for something like a christening or wedding then yes invitations would be normal. Maybe not so much for a christening, a verbal invite would be fine for that.

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Patriciathestripper1 · 07/07/2017 14:56

I have met her Dh a good few times, I don't really think he is controlling from the times I've seen him but 'friend' dosnt have a good relationship with him really, he works away a fair bit. And she's always complaining about not enough intamacy between them.
I don't think I'll be seeking him or her out anytime soon.
She wanted me to go over to meet her today with dc in the park but I made exscuse not to go.

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