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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the way I come across?

101 replies

RingTailedLemurFan · 04/07/2017 21:11

I'm one of those people who seem to get other people's heckles up, I'm sure.

Feeling sad about it, because I don't mean to come across a certain way, it just happens. You have to really get to know me before you like me. Wish I was one of those people who everyone instantly likes and talks to Sad

OP posts:
Morecoffeeurgently · 04/07/2017 21:15

What do you think you do Lemur that gets other peoples hackles up? Unless people have told you what you are doing 'wrong' then it maybe that you are harshly judging yourself here?

CauliflowerSqueeze · 04/07/2017 21:15

Oh I wouldn't worry. Sometimes those people that others are drawn to and seem nice and fun turn out to be arseholes.

Some of the best people are the slow burner types.

Remember:

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

Original poster
RingTailedLemurFan · 04/07/2017 21:17

Probably. Feeling a bit low.

I have a habit of coming across over-confident, too chatty, annoying I guess. I'm not "cool" in the slightest. Try too hard. Think too much. Worry too much...

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 04/07/2017 21:17

What is it about you that gets people's hackles up?

HipsterHunter · 04/07/2017 21:18

Aw love with thyou right people that won't matter. When you find 'your peope' they won't judge you for silly things like 'being too confident'.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 04/07/2017 21:19

I used to do that Lemur. I have stopped a bit, now I am older. I realised I was over-compensating for nervousness.

tigercub50 · 04/07/2017 21:19

Are you shy OP? Shyness can come across as something else sometimes. I once lived with a girl & was convinced she hated me but after about 6 months, she started to "thaw" & we ended up really good friends. I was glad I had kept on being friendly towards her, even though I didn't get anything back for ages. My DH has a way with him & I reckon people sometimes think he's miserable but you have to look past the initial impression. Actually, he can be a grumpy bugger but not all the time lol. I take it for granted that I can get on with people straight away but I guess it's a gift really & I should appreciate it more. If I met you, I would definitely try not to judge on first impressions :)

tigercub50 · 04/07/2017 21:20

Ditto to overthinking & worrying too much!

Original poster
RingTailedLemurFan · 04/07/2017 21:24

I have a few circles of amazing friends who love me for who I am. They have known me for years though. I intensly disliked my best friend when we met aged 11...just goes to show you can't always judge people on first sight.

Thought I was handing being a School Run Mum quite well now my eldest is in Year 1. Turned out I was wrong. Have been trying to "fake it til I make it" with the other Mums, but tonight discovered they've all organised a night out together and not invited me.

I feel like I'm 14 again, which is ridiculous as I'm in my late 30's ffs Hmm

OP posts:
Titsywoo · 04/07/2017 21:25

I'm similar. I don't get peoples hackles up but generally people don't like me (well not until they get to know me). I'm a bit of an introvert - not shy really but I don't really do small talk so if I've got nothing to say I don't say anything which can make people uncomfortable. I also have a bit of a resting bitch face. Luckily I have some pretty good friends who know me well and like me anyway (I think!).

HeyRoly · 04/07/2017 21:29

Oh gosh, I felt exactly the same as you when a group of Reception mum friends who I go out for a drink with semi-regularly all got invited to a party... except me.

I was so happy to finally have a group of mum friends (and a social life!) but ended up questioning what's wrong with me and why I must be less likeable than the others.

I can only hope it's because I'm shy and introverted and tend to let other people dominate conversations. I don't think I'm dislikeable but I guess people don't immediately warn to me either...

Original poster
RingTailedLemurFan · 04/07/2017 21:29

I'm not shy or introverted - I sometimes wish I was! I'm confident and outgoing, but probably a bit try-hard. I do talk too much when I'm nervous.

Titsywoo I know what you mean about resting bitch face. I actually think in my case it's more that my eyes are super expressive. My face don't lie iyswim?! Also, dh says I can be patronising/condescending sometimes, but I really don't mean to be Sad

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 04/07/2017 21:30

You just care too much.

Does it matter if a few other women whose kids go to the same school as you haven't asked you out for a drink? They're just random people you stand in a playground with. It's not a reflection on you if you're not best buds.

Do you actually like them for who they are, or are you just a bit down because you think it means you're not in with the in-crowd?

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 04/07/2017 21:31

I'm like you. I get very nervous when I meet new people and talk, asking lots of questions. I basically scare some people a bit Blush

I promise I'm nice though-I just want to be kind to people.

Bringmewineandcake · 04/07/2017 21:31

I'm in your club too
Introvert, tries too hard, resting bitch face. People don't dislike me as such, and I have "friends" it's just that in a group of 3, I'm the 3rd if you know what I mean. If I can't go, nights out still go ahead as planned. If others can't go, they're rearranged.
'Tis shit. I don't have the answers but hoping the solidarity will make you feel better.
Am also about to start the school gate dance in September so that'll be a whole new pool of rejection!

Desmondo2016 · 04/07/2017 21:32

I literally could have written this op. I can't actually add anything lol, just that you literally could be me!

gamerchick · 04/07/2017 21:32

Thought I was handing being a School Run Mum quite well now my eldest is in Year 1. Turned out I was wrong. Have been trying to "fake it til I make it" with the other Mums, but tonight discovered they've all organised a night out together and not invited me

Ah is that what's unsettled you? Flowers honestly the school run thing is like a rats maze with stingy bits, you're really better off out of it. 22 years I've been doing the mam thing and never saw the attraction of hooking up with people who the only thing we had in common is we had babies the same year.

Honestly there will be nothing wrong with you.

Pagwatch · 04/07/2017 21:33

You say you are chatty and confident, do you think you are on 'play' a lot?
Do you listen to others, ask questions etc?
I ask because when I'm nervous I tend to talk and it can be self absorbed - I'm so worried about making a good impression that I don't pay enough attention to listening and actually asking questions and being attentive.
Might that be a thing?

Morecoffeeurgently · 04/07/2017 21:33

No it's NOT ridiculous to feel like your 14 again when you found out about the night out. Many many people would feel hurt, confused etc. Try to focus hard on the fact that you have a few circles of amazing friends who love you just as you are. That is a treasure beyond price. Try being yourself more around people you don't know perhaps. The real you is good enough for your good friends. And it's worth remembering that no matter how popular you are, there will still be people who simply don't like you for some reason. That applies to everyone. Could be you remind them of someone in some way or your personality and theirs doesn't gel. It doesn't mean you aren't a likeable person though.

Keep remembering you are good enough as you are.

Original poster
RingTailedLemurFan · 04/07/2017 21:33

HeyRoly it's shit, isn't it? I may be a thousand annoying things, but I'd never exclude someone from a group outing. Sorry you've had a similar experience. I too thought I'd made some new friends/drinking buddies, but hey ho.

Looking back, I've only been out with them when I've organised something, I've never been invited out before.

OP posts:
VeryButchyRestingFace · 04/07/2017 21:34

I'm like this (see user name).

I'm shy, but it comes off as standoffish and supercilious apparently.

HeyRoly · 04/07/2017 21:36

To make matters worse, I'm supposed to be meeting up with them for a drink next week, and it used to be something I really looked forward to, but now I feel embarrassed and paranoid that they'd rather stop inviting me along.

clickhappy · 04/07/2017 21:41

It's hard isn't it? Try not to take it personally, it could be that no one thought asking you, rather than maliciously leaving you out. I'm not in some whatsapp groups etc but have grown to learn that everyone's busy and you can't be friends with everyone all of the time.

I tried to include a new mum in a coffee after assembly that some of the mums had organised and got ignored so hey ho. You can't win them all. Maybe I patronised her, or maybe she has some issues in her life that have got nothing to do with me.

Concentrate your efforts on those who love you, and good luck to those who don't.

Original poster
RingTailedLemurFan · 04/07/2017 21:42

@SaucyJack You're absolutely right; I do care too much.

I'm not bothered about being in with the "in crowd" though, as I'm a realist and know it will never happen, nor would I want it too (not my scene). But the list of people on this group chat is very eclectic. I know different folk for different reasons if that makes sense.

thanks for the support everyone Flowers

OP posts:
Zarah123 · 04/07/2017 21:45

I've found my people.

It's been the same since I was at school.

The Spanish language assistant in Secondary school hated me at first. I think she completely misunderstood who I was. Much later, she would get on her haunches next to me to chat for ages.

Same with colleagues. Some said I seemed aloof when they met me.

I think my face just doesn't fit.