To hate the way I come across?

[RingTailedLemurFan]

I'm one of those people who seem to get other people's heckles up, I'm sure.

Feeling sad about it, because I don't mean to come across a certain way, it just happens. You have to really get to know me before you like me. Wish I was one of those people who everyone instantly likes and talks to

Marmite Vipers
Is this our new secret handshake so we can recognise each other

Thank you for posting RingTailed. It's really helped me feel a bit more normal knowing there are others with the same thoughts around.

TwoBobs how did you realise you were autistic? I often wonder if there's a reason why I'm a bit different. Seem to have spent most of my life not fitting in...

At least you're garnering a reaction of some sort! I also feel like I come across wrong, the persona in my head is smart, funny, warm, kind, interested, efficient, capable, engaging. But I am invisible in real life. Pretty much! I do have a few friends but I have to chase them down to meet up! The reality is that I'm excluded and rejected and overlooked and underestimated! So either I can't be as wonderful as I think I am or it's a tough audience to crack out there, socially, and in the working world, and in the dating world! Lot of audiences I haven't cracked yet.

I think I am Marmite. People seem to either love me or hate me! I have no idea why.
I've been thinking this about myself lately - although in my version it's more a case of 'either tolerate me or hate me'! I can literally count 'proper' friends on less than the fingers on one hand. i'm now 54 and no longer dwell on it or get upset about it. Glad you're feeling better op.

cosmoclock

the persona in my head is smart, funny, warm, kind, interested, efficient, capable, engaging. But I am invisible in real life

Yes! I feel just like that.

I think, actually, that I am now too scared to put myself out there, socially. And so I hang back and just fade into the background.

Or perhaps I've always been like that? I remember feeling crushed when even my mum said I came across as aloof when I was a teenager. It's not easy being an introvert.

Waves hello to all the other Marmite Vipers out there!

So glad to have found my people. I am guilty of the talk too much/ forced grin/ asking too many questions, not enough questions social death.

Have started recently going to a new toddler group, and we had a day out at the park today. I manged to chat to the organiser and another lady who was about 60, no one near my age talked to me despite me trying to join in conversation without taking over, making nice comments about their children etc.

Was there for a couple of hours and nearing lunch time we began to pack up and collect things. I went to round up DD who was playing. I was gone for about 2 minutes, turned to walk back and everyone had gone without a word, leaving just us. DD looked round and just said "Where did everybody go?"

I felt so bereft sitting in an empty park in the sunshine with a sad DD.

Heyroly, that's an interesting point, I'm also wary of being ''too'' myself, so I put a seat belt on my personality. Not sure why, I know I fall within the parametres of normal! So really if somebody took a dislike to me rationally I know that that is unusual enough not to matter, or their issue. I am not brave enough to risk being marmite, and perhaps there's a hesitancy in that that others feel.

I've found my people!
You are all describing my life and friendships. I see people at work who are not great at their jobs but everyone LOVES them. Then there's me. I'm newish to my role but have done similar for a very long time. If/when I say something should be done a certain way, there is a huge backlash. When I then provide evidence that I'm correct, people get even more arsey despite telling me I have to provide evidence. It's shit.
If I question something, then I'm not willing to learn etc.
I seem to have very few friends and had a falling out with someone a while back but all my friends still socialise with that person despite them moving away. Best friend agrees other person was in the wrong but still sees them.
I read a thing one day about being "the Karen of the group". Made me feel so awful.

Aw the people in the park, the school yard are just weird and rude. I work with diverse groups of people often in group settings and find that people left alone just hang out with those evidently similar. Push past that Amanda friendships flourish in amazing places. I do think some people are better in smaller groups with individuals / I am great at a party but really prefer one to one - just keep going and well you really wouldn't want to be friends with people who think it's ok to leave you out.

some of our best friends came when the kids were older, guides/rugby that kind of thing ... keep going and be as kind to yourself as to wild to others.

Gibble1 that was like my last job. I felt I was held to a higher bar than people who'd been there much, much longer. I was hauled in to a meeting room and accused of making mistakes and I tried to defend myself in as calm and logical way I could without criticising anybody else but I couldn't figure out how to defend myself without being ''defensive''. I got let go in the end and I did nothing but turn myself inside out trying.

What's being made the Karen of the group?

I often feel like this. I find that whenever I meet anyone new and have a conversation I then mull it over for hours after in my head and analyse every little thing I said to see if I was too overconfident or chatty. It's made me keep myself to myself. We have recently moved area and none of the school gate mums speak to me, so I make sure I time it that I get there just as the doors open for pick up and drop off. In the kids old school I had friends who I could be myself with but here I feel very judged. Even the people who are my new neighbours seem to ignore me. I seem to spend all of my time on my own crying but I've now learnt to accept that I'm obviously not a likeable person. Sorry that you all have had to deal with this situation too, but every comment I have read you all seem like really lovely people (Have now read this message 100x over to make sure it sounds ok!)

Can I join in? I feel the same. I'm most definitely an extrovert, in that I crave being around other people and can't stand being on my own (even I think I'm annoying!) but I'm also quite socially anxious. I seem to have no filter like most people have, and will often just blurt out whatever comes into my head. I talk way too much, all about me, and then feel awful after the event and worry how I came across. I tend to have lots of acquaintances but few close friends. I do try to cultivate friendships, but feel like people don't usually reciprocate, and I worry I'm being irritating and pushy.

Sorry OP, I have no advice at all, but you're not alone!

Ps, everyone here sounds really nice! I do think friendships get harder as you get older. You meet new people less often and have less free time, others have friendship groups already established, and I, at least, feel more socially awkward than I did as a teenager.

I have met some lovely people through a new hobby, who may turn out to be friends (fingers crossed). Could that be an option for you OP, and others, if you're wanting to meet new people?

Hello my fellow misfitters!

I have been like this for my entire life. Primary school was tolerable but I was quiet and shy. Secondary school passed in my own bubble.

Roll on college and I befriended two girls and we became the trio that the entire rest of the group liked to laugh at. We went for coffee while they headed to the pub.

Work was the same. In a company of thousands, although a number of us lunched together every single day, I gave gifts when they had babies, I invited to my home when I was not in work and although they accepted my invitation, I was never invited back to theirs. When I left, no one came out with me for a leaving drink. I was and probably am still so hurt about that. They passed around an envelope to make a collection and they scraped forty pounds together and one girl made it her business to tell me that she put in twenty as she couldn't believe how small the amount was!

I really don't know why. I am quiet but I chat. I am not funny and am probably a bit serious at work but I am friendly, I chat, I ask people if they are okay if they look upset. But it is more than that. People seem to actually take a dislike to me. They admire what I'm wearing one day and the next they mimic my accent (I don't have a strange accent). If in a meeting, I smile at someone (in an effort to be friendly), they smirk back. It is really strange. I don't talk about other people, I don't gossip and for some time I put it down to that. I know that my face probably looks shocked when I hear others being gossiped about and I probably am judging them and that is obvious to everyone. In the next job, I joined in with the gossip but it didn't change how I fitted in. I tried probably too hard to be helpful and I remember one day being sent an email that was meant for my manager about how unhelpful I was about one particular thing that I had been told not to work on anymore as it was taking too much of my time. I was really taken aback. I've thought about it so much over the last fifteen years and I'm still aware that I'm disliked but I don't know why.

I haven't RTFT but your title especially tells me that you're way too harsh on yourself. Please try not to do that. And you've got a really fun username.

I feel a bit like this too. Thought it was just me!

I'm the same. I have HF aspergers so really struggle with social situations. As I'm HF people don't realise that I have issues and I'm sure they just think I'm an odd ball. I try too hard, rattle on about pointless shit, say weird things and basically just come across like a weirdo.

If I'm in one of my antisocial moods (very often!) I come across as stuck up and standoffish.

I'm also terribly passive aggressive as I have no confidence to say what I really want to say and I hate that about myself.

Hello. I recognise so much of what people are saying. I spent first year of uni in halls and met a group of friends. I then discovered that they had been looking at house shares for the following year but didn't want me. Hadn't told me until it was done. I was so hurt but tried to ride it out. I never spoke to them again and instead enrolled to study abroad for a while. Had a fab time but now I'm older realise there are old scars there. Some people don't realise the upset they cause and how the effects can impact so deeply.

Such an interesting thread...

I have found that the best friendships for me are one to one or a couple of friends. I've got more discerning as I've got older and the friends who've stuck are kind and don't judge me. I have a few really nice friends I see intermittently. Work is generally a bit more difficult...

I do find people difficult to understand especially how people can be so cruel to others. When I get a dodgy comment rather than ignoring I can be a bit passive aggressive.

the persona in my head is smart, funny, warm, kind, interested, efficient, capable, engaging. But I am invisible in real life

Yes, this is me all over. If I was in a team I would be the last person to be promoted despite doing all the right things; working hard, turning up on time, etc.

"tonight discovered they've all organised a night out together and not invited me."

Sympathies, that is a truly horrible feeling - but is it possible it's not deliberate? With school mum outings they can be quite informally organised, and rely on 'will you ask x if you see her' and then that person forgets, or you just aren't on someone's radar that day. So it may not 'mean' what you think it does - which doesn't mean it isn't hurtful, I know!

If you are someone who people like once they really get to know you then that is an absolutely huge point in your favour - means you must be an amazing 'close' friend!

I do think groups of friends can have the potential to be very hurtful places and cause a lot of insecurity. The dynamic for some reason often seems to require 'insiders' 'outsiders' (even in groups of 3 or 4!) and someone is permanently in danger of being dropped. Groups do 'work' for some people, but for many people one to one friendships are easier and more rewarding. So if there is anyone you particularly like in this group, could you send them a few friendly inane texts, suggest meeting in the park with dcs? And focus on getting to know just them?

Reading with interest as I feel the same. I'm getting to the stage I can't speak to the other mums at the gate coz I have a big lump in my throat. I then think I look like I have resting bitch face.

I'm the same. I'm currently in the same situation at work. There was 4 of us who I thought were quite close, one has now moved jobs. They send me lots of texts, we've been out together and generally I thought we were quite close friends.

It was one of their birthdays a couple of weeks ago, I went out and bought cake, took a gift and took work off them so they could finish early. THEN discovered the 3 of them had a night out planned that i hadn't been invited too. I'm in my thirties and I sat and cried when I got home.

I've questioned myself and who I am and the way I am.

Yesterday I found out they have another night out planned which again I'm not invited too. But then they text me 30 times once we've finished work, I don't understand it. It seems to be one in particular that is very possessive of the others and the others are following her lead I think. I've taken a step back and won't let it hurt me again.

I just remind myself that my husband is one of the kindest, loveliest people I've ever met so I can't be all bad if he decided to marry me. But I've just realised that's a really sad way to think about myself

to you op.

Oh, that's really mean, YouCan

Just take a step back and start viewing them as work colleagues. Send the occasional reply to the texts but start phasing yourself out. Be terribly nice but don't explain yourself.

If it's any consolation, that's exactly the type of thing that used to happen to me. I'd go above and beyond then find out while I'm finishing someone else's work they're out on the town enjoying themselves and probably laughing at me.

No more though. My mantra this year is 'care less'. I do less for other people and don't explain myself. I think I may have been viewed as 'good old reliable user'. Whereas now if people want any sort of friendship/relationship with me they need to step up a bit.

A lot of people discussed on here (the school mums and work colleagues in particular) just sound really mean and immature. I thought this kind of bullying and excluding would end when we finished school, but it seems like it's alive and well. I agree with the posters above saying that one-on-one friendships are easier in many ways. My sympathies to you all, it's so hard trying to negotiate adult friendships.