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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the way I come across?

101 replies

RingTailedLemurFan · 04/07/2017 21:11

I'm one of those people who seem to get other people's heckles up, I'm sure.

Feeling sad about it, because I don't mean to come across a certain way, it just happens. You have to really get to know me before you like me. Wish I was one of those people who everyone instantly likes and talks to Sad

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Original poster
RingTailedLemurFan · 04/07/2017 21:46

Pagwatch you have hit the nail on the head there. I'm so busy trying to make a good impression that I don't think I listen well enough sometimes. I'm definitely more of a talker than a listener. I'm usually acutely aware of this though, so consciously shut the f up and listen !

Needmorecoffee thank you so much for the kind words and reassurance Flowers

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Original poster
RingTailedLemurFan · 04/07/2017 21:47

gamerchick 22yrs?! Will take a leaf out of your book and take a step back. It's hard though as I live in a small town and am a SAHM.

Apologies for the multiple posts btw, it's just that I'm on my phone and have already lost a big message due to my sausage fingers Angry

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Pagwatch · 04/07/2017 21:49

Oh RingTailedLemur, it's crap isn't it?

I have to be really anal about it when I'm out and make sure I'm not just talking.

Its a double whammy because it can seem like you don't care when that's far from the truth

Carouselfish · 04/07/2017 21:51

OP I am/was similar to you in the way I present. What helps is keeping in my head not to talk too much about myself but to ask questions of the other person. Not in an interrogating way, but about neutral subjects.
Oversharing can put people off.

Original poster
RingTailedLemurFan · 04/07/2017 21:52

HeyRoly are you going to go? I'm exactly the same; paranoid that they just feel obliged to ask me along. Only, just realised they actually don't...I've normally just happily tagged along with folk doing my own thing and winging it.

Zarah you sound exactly like me. It's funny when people really do get to know you and they say things like "I used to think you were a right stuck-up cow!" Haha. Charming. I feel like producing a t-shirt saying "please don't judge me on first impressions" Grin

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IAmcuriousyellow · 04/07/2017 21:53

Happens to me too. I realised recently that my face stretches into a rigid smile i dont mean when i try to do the social thing. I make efforts not to do it now, it must have made me look weird! I have AS kids and one of them does this too in fact its in all their childhood photos.. hard to describe. Like they know what a smile looks like so arranges the face to suit. Sorry no help!

Original poster
RingTailedLemurFan · 04/07/2017 21:55

Pag and carousel do you two have an angel and devil on each shoulder sometimes then?

Angel: "relax, be yourself, chat away, chatting is good"
Devil: "stop talking, you're coming across as a self-absorbed twat. Remember to listen! Listen! You're not listening to them are you? Because you're listening to me mwahahaha".

Maybe I need to go and see a doctor! Grin

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muckypup73 · 04/07/2017 21:57

Your not the allergic to teacher one are you? with a different name?

TeatimeForTheSoul · 04/07/2017 21:59

Snap RingTailed to everything you've posted. Have always been the 'go to' person for advice, support & all things academic but often left out when it comes to fun. Think I come across as a bit too serious, but comes from nerves.

Recently got invited to one of our year mum's evenings out when someone else dropped out. Upset at first that I was an afterthought but decided to go and enjoy. Found out some 'really lovely people' are vicious after a few drinks and sure I'll have been on the receiving end when not there. So no longer sad to not be spending more time with them.

Friends who know me realise when I'm comfortable around them I'm not serious at all but rather silly and very naughty. Still hurts being left out by others though.

MadisonAvenue · 04/07/2017 21:59

So sorry you're being made to feel like this.

I'm introverted and shy but feel the same. Because I hold back when I first meet people they get the wrong impression and think I'm aloof (that's the word my sister in law used to describe me to my husband anyway) but when I get to know people and feel comfortable I'm chatty and quite bubbly (maybe as much a reflection on my sister in law as on me that after 33 years of knowing her I still feel uncomfortable in her company).

Bringmewine that something I experience too with nights out. If someone else in the group can't go then it's rearranged but if it's me then all that happens is someone will say "that's a shame, see you next time" and they carry on with the plans.

Snugglepumpkin · 04/07/2017 22:00

It could be worse Lemur, you could be me.
I have worked in offices where I later found out I was the only person out of hundreds who had did not have a single other member of staffs number in their mobile, never got invited to a single thing after work ever etc...

I have been on the net for pretty much as long as the general public could get on it & haven't ever even managed to make a single friend on here.
I don't even get randomly friended by strangers of Facebook.

Same in real life, I haven't had a single actual friend since primary school & I'm now nearly 50.

Thought I had made a friend once about 10 years ago, but she turned out to be a stalker & it required police involvement along with moving several times to get rid of her.

Not complaining, but I do wish it was different.
I don't even know how people socialise any more, so I am not sure I would even know how to respond to someone friendly anymore.

I also know people don't think I'm horrible, apparently I'm 'lovely', but somehow that doesn't mean I've ever in my life been so much as asked to meet for coffee with someone I'm not related to.

Original poster
RingTailedLemurFan · 04/07/2017 22:03

muckypup eh? Allergic to a teacher? Don't know what you're on about.

TeaTime that sucks. So you only got invited because they needed to make up numbers? Angry Interesting that you got to see that some are actually horrible people. One of the people on this list I don't have much time for, but the others I really like that's why it hurts.

Oh, and forgot to agree with the pp who said about not liking everyone in life. Absolutely. Will be teaching my children what my Dad taught me: "you don't have to like everyone in life, but you do have to get on with them".

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Rufus27 · 04/07/2017 22:05

OP you sound like me! i think you will find there are more in our club than you might have imagined!

muckypup73 · 04/07/2017 22:05

Look seriously I am always in trouble for what I say, I cant help it,it just comes out, just try not to be to soft! cause it dont get you nowhere.

user1495915742 · 04/07/2017 22:16

Yep, count me in.

I think I am Marmite. People seem to either love me or hate me! I have no idea why. I have come to the conclusion that I am often misunderstood. An old boyfriend said it about me a long time ago.

I do listen and always ask questions though. I think I have a tendency to overshare so I am very mindful of revealing too much about myself.

orangewasp · 04/07/2017 22:19

Fwiw I'm really quiet and absolutely love being with people that can easily chatter on Grin, don't put yourself down OP or assume the fault lies with you.

Snuggle - sorry you've had some shit experiences, you do sound nice!

happypoobum · 04/07/2017 22:28

It's really horrid that you have been excluded like that no matter what the reason Flowers

If you do feel you come over as over confident, when really you aren't then the solution you have come up with yourself is the best (listening without comment) it's just you have to do it five times more than you think you do!!

I know that sounds crazy but for those of us who always have something to say, it really is a case of taking a gigantic step back, to get others to see us differently.

Good luck!!!

TeatimeForTheSoul · 04/07/2017 22:28

Yes, just making up numbers for the 'thing' we went to RungTailed. Never mind it was a lesson.

So many people are describing what I'm like here. What a relief. I overshare and forget to listen enough. I also don't ask enough questions as I don't want to seem nosey but think it actually looks like I'm not interested. Why, why why do I do it!

RingTailed love your Dad's advice, I'll be using that Smile

TeatimeForTheSoul · 04/07/2017 22:31

User, marmite Grin I LOVE that idea Grin

ForFSake · 04/07/2017 22:45

I'm in your club too
Introvert, tries too hard, resting bitch face. People don't dislike me as such, and I have "friends" it's just that in a group of 3, I'm the 3rd if you know what I mean. If I can't go, nights out still go ahead as planned. If others can't go, they're rearranged.
'Tis shit. I don't have the answers but hoping the solidarity will make you feel better.

I could have written that!

I know how you feel OP, I'm constantly questioning whether people like me, its horrible Sad I think I either say too much, or too little I think!

Original poster
RingTailedLemurFan · 04/07/2017 23:00

snuggle Flowers that sounds proper shit, and I agree you sound lovely! No advice on how to make friends (clearly, I'm no expert haha) but it sounds like you would make an awesome one.

user misunderstood marmite folk. That's us. Ooh, we have a club all of our own everyone welcome of course Smile

happypoobum thanks for the great advice. Will remember to do giant steps back. I'm good in the day, but if I'm out with friends having a few drinks then I forget and then rant on and on and on....! Then wake up the next day and hate myself for being the annoying chatterbox, aka myself, again. It's one of the reasons why I don't drink much these days.

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Original poster
RingTailedLemurFan · 04/07/2017 23:03

@ForFSake - yes, constantly questioning whether people like me. It's so draining and unnecessary. Maybe others pick up on our desperation and that's why we don't get invited to things?!

If I were a dog, I'd be a Labrador puppy most days, and a feisty Doberman during "that" week. Maybe that's why people don't like me Grin

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TwoBobs · 04/07/2017 23:11

I felt the same as you a few years ago. I was friendly to everyone on the school run. Was trying to make friends with a particular group of Mums and found out they did nights out and didn't invite me. They also tried to engineer the kids' friendships too so only 'suitable' kids were involved with their kids.
It really upset me at the time. Since then I've discovered I'm autistic. That made me feel SO much better about myself. It made me see it wasn't my fault and they were just sending something different about me. I don't fit their perfect mould! But that's ok. I stopped caring, backed away from them and have made other Mum/Dad friends.
That lovely 'in' crowd has since had a falling out over their kids and have split down the middle. I felt slightly smug Wink Who'd want to be friends with them anyway?

ethelfleda · 04/07/2017 23:15

I wouldn't worry OP, people are overrated anyway. Who gives a stuff what they think!

Original poster
RingTailedLemurFan · 04/07/2017 23:18

Thank you all for "listening" to me tonight, and giving me your time and wise words. I really do appreciate all your support, you wicked nest of vipers Flowers

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