WIBU to cancel DS birthday party as a punishment?

[Superheroessidekick]

DS is due to have friends over at the weekend for his birthday. I have just been called into the school because he ripped up a sentimental item that another child brought in for show and tell. The poor child was devastated and I am mortified. He was also messing around with another boy kicking each other. With 2 weeks left till the summer holidays it seems like there has not been a week where the teacher hasn't had words with us about silly behaviour and he always gets grounded/ punished appropriately in and out of school. I have got to the point where I feel something really has to be done I do not want this to carry on into year 5/6 then god forbid secondary. Is it too harsh to cancel his party?

Real natural consequences are when the parent just allows the natural result of the behaviour to happen and doesn't intervene - child tears item, other child cries/decides he doesn't want to play with him anymore. Logical consequences are externally applied but 'make sense' -child tears item, child makes amends by fixing or replacing item- unfortunately not possible here. Child hitting at soft play must sit with mum/leave. Punishment : contrived and unrelated and imo less meaningful and long term less effective. Many view imposed rewards in the same way.

Thanks mikado.

I would cancel the party and any in-the-near-future other treats to show that actions have consequences - sounds like the kid needs to learn this lesson now before it escalates. He should also apologise to the kid he upset and needs to understand it is not right to hurt other people the way he did when he destroyed a sentimental item - thoughtless, selfish and mean - certainly not behaviour that should be rewarded in any way. He's old enough to know better, and old enough to get why he will not be having a party this year.

Sounds like he's a right little pain in the arse......if it goes unpunished he'll think it's just funny and keep on doing things to get a laugh or attention from the other kids in his class. He's not endearing himself to the teachers either and every time he moves up a year his reputation with go before him. Nip it in the bud now !

I would cancel. He seems to need a wake up call and maybe that is just what is needed. It might seem horrible but he needs to learn.

My DS is the same age and to be honest I would do the same in your shoes. I would still make it clear that we will celebrate his birthday at home just us and he still has a cake etc but if he can't be nice to classmates then he can't be trusted to share his party with them. Like you mentioned this isn't a one off of bad behaviour he's been playing up quite a bit lately so I think he needs a punishment that will actually make him think.

I would make the DS spend the time working out how to make it up to the kid he upset. And then follow through with some action. And I would wind tunnel him for misbehaving in class, that is absolutely not allowed in our family.

I'd cancel it, but not because of the punishment aspect. If he is consistently being silly and thoughtless at school and hurting other children (physically and emotionally) in the process he is probably going to do more of the same at a party where he'll be excited and wound up. It is unlikely to be a pleasant occasion for you, him, or the guests, if you have to step in multiple times to pull him up on his behavior, as I suspect you will.

i would cancel the party

its taking away something that ds wanted - hopefully it will make him think about his actions

he will still havea birthday, cake, pressies and day with granny

Too harsh and will just continue the negative spiral you are already on. His self-esteem must be rock bottom - it all seems to be about bad behaviour and punishment. WHY is he behaving like this? Children naturally want to be cared for and approved of - if they are acting out they are trying to express something that they don't have words for. He doesn't sound happy, there is clearly a problem. The ever harsher punishments are not working and they won't work, it will just get worse. What is going on for him and what is he trying to express? The adults around him need to start trying to help him and find out what's going on. Had you thought of going for parenting counselling/support? It can be really helpful.

Mcamp, he still needs sanctions for what he has done. Then op can try and get to the bottom of it.

If you define bullying as a single act of meanness then every child is a bully surely?

I nor anyone else defined it as a single act of ""meanness" I put the definition and it certainly wasn't that.

And for me this is more than just being "mean" .

Don't cancel the party. Get him to write an apology note, and buy the boy a present to say sorry. What was the lead-up to the ripping up? What was the item?
Speak to him to find out why his behaviour isn't good at the moment.

I would cancel a party at that age. It was a callous thing to do and it sounds quite deliberate, too. Sometimes a short, sharp, real shock means next time brain engages before the action.

I wouldn't cancel the party - I do think that is quite drastic, and the other children will also be looking forward to it (if there is a bullying issue you don't know about, this will definitely make it worse)

I would however ask him to choose the best birthday present he has be given, and donate it to the child that has lost his sentimental show and tell. Nothing can wind back time, and it was a terrible terrible thing to do (a mistake) but he is nine years old and still learning.

You have done the letter to the child, I would also write to the parents.

I would naturally ban him from all games and stations, no treats for two weeks etc. I would spend some time getting to the bottom of why he is being like this though....how is doing at school generally?

I always try not to punish other people for my DS behavior. For example if he's due to go to my mums for the night then I wouldn't cancel that as it is punishing my mum

I would find another punishment. If it wasn't his birthday you would have to.

We've found an 'earn it back' approach works. So we ban electronic devices for a weekend then he has to get to 10 points on an earning basis for various chores he wouldn't normally do. The same works for losing the privilege. He starts with 10 points and then for each misdemeanor he loses a point, sometimes two, until he's at zero and the punishment starts.

I think you will regret canceling the party and I'm not sure it would get him to behave in the long run.

Sometimes it takes ages to earn it all back!

I am shocked at the amount of parents that think this should be let slide or just with a talk. I don't think the punishment sounds bad at all. I admire you OP for not being one of those 'my little pudding couldn't have possibly done that, you must have done something too' types.

When I was little I had a 'shock' punishment. I wasn't expecting it but it was appropriate and I remember it to this day. I was lucky to have very loving parents, but they didn't skimp on discipline. In contrast I knew of kids who parents didn't punish them, or tackle bullying behaviour and many of them amounted to nothing in life.

However only you can decide what's appropriate OP.

Something slightly different. I did this at exactly the same age. The other child was actually a friend from a not well off background and I tore up his sentimental card. I remember thinking it was all part of joking between us during the day but afterwards it escalated fast the teacher was very cross and called my mum in. TBH I don't remember the punishment at all I remember how embarrassed I was to have hurt. Someone I cared about so carelessly especially someone who had so few precious things. I remember the horror of my teacher and my mother. I never did anything like it again whether you cancel the party or not the escalation, the true hurt of the child, your utter horror.... he won't forget! And wasn't particularly well behaved at school for the duration but I never used my naughtiness to be mean to others again.

Not. Ecessatily U. However visits punishment on his mates and their parents too.
If it were, say. January and not near his party what punishment would you impose over and above the usual. That might be a better solution.

Not necessarily

I have informed the parents the party has had to be cancelled due to family circumstances and apologised for letting them down. He is taking in his apology letter and present for the boy tomorrow. The item he ripped up was an old Spanish note the boys grandfather have him so just just something easily replaced 😞.
I have also bought him a diary and told him he can write what ever he wants in it, just about his day or his feelings or things he would like to do.. anything he feels like really and I have also arranged a behaviour/ activity book for school so his good and bad behaviour can be recorded. Hopefully things improve for year 5

I think you made the right call OP. Hope you're ok and your DS is taking it well. x

He is more than old to know better.
He'll learn unacceptable behaviour has a consequence

Good, you made the right decision. You are addressing the unacceptable behaviour, whilst also trying to establish the root is his behaviour. Have you sat down and had a chat with him? Yes mabey a diary is a good way, if he does not feel he can talk to you. Mabey see if you can discuss his feelings with him?