to ask how you cope if you can't have children?

[ohbigdaddio]

Just that really...did you adopt? Or have you accepted it and has your life taken a new, fulfilling direction? Do you ever really get over it? Or are you still finding it difficult years later?

DH and I have been TTC for nearly a year and a half, got another negative pregnancy test result this morning, both feel very down and deflated and considering giving up. I feel really numb today and not sure what I want to do next.

Not sure we can cope with emotional highs and lows (well, mainly lows!) for much longer and it's all we think about.
Age is not on our side, I'm 38, approaching 39 so not really got time to have a break from it all. Next step would be IVF, obviously with no guarantees.

Would love to hear any positive thoughts on a child free life, especially if you really wanted children at one point.

I really feel for you. My DH and I didn't conceive despite trying and after 10 years decided it clearly wasn't going to happen - our diagnosis was unexplained infertility and I really felt the unfairness of not even knowing why it wasn't working. I'm very sensitive to hormones so decided against ivf or assisted conception (tried clomid but was rendered nearly suicidal and still no baby). I really grieved my infertility like a bereavement - feeling very sad and raw at the point when the world and his wife were pregnant.

We decided to build a nice life without children, travelled, ate at very nice restaurants, spent time and money on us, I studied and built a career and a business and can honestly say we've been very happy. However about 3 years ago we decided to look at adoption - knowing how much we have to offer children and how much we want a family. We were approved and our children will arrive with us at the end of this month, after 24 years of marriage, 10+ years of ttc, 10 years of doing our own thing, 3 years of adoption process and at the ripe age of 46, I'm finally going to be a mum.

I say that not because I think you should do the same but because when we decided to accept we couldn't conceive we did build a lovely, happy life for ourselves and had adoption not worked, I know we would have been very happy in our life as it was. In having children placed with us I've found myself grieving my infertility again - it's all came back to the surface for me in a way I didn't expect. If you had told me at the time I'd be sitting waiting for my children to arrive I don't think I'd have believed you or thanked you for saying it. I really had to let one loss go before I knew what was next.

Trust yourself on this, you'll know if you want to try ivf and will know if adoption or fostering are right for you. Infertility is an unique pain, to long for a child and not have one is awful, my thoughts are with you.

Just to say, following my earlier post, I actually love my life and now consider myself "childfree", rather than "childless".

Two years ago, a woman in work annoying under she was pregnant at 43, after a one-night stand. Oops! I was so upset (and actually angry!!) that someone in her less than ideal position (I obviously go all 1950d when I'm upset!) would accidentally conceive a child when I, in my early thirties and very happily married, couldn't.
I got so upset, I actually gave myself a migraine that day.
Utter lunacy, looking back on it. I blame the Clomid.

By comparison, a colleague called in to the office today with her 6 week old baby. I was first in line for a hold (and a sniff), heard all the lovely things about the baby... and then happily handed her back! Beautiful little lady but just didn't feel clucky at all, which is a bit alien given I was so horrendously broody, I would get physical aches at the sight of a baby, or a bump.

Not sure if it's a coping mechanism but my body and mind have just put the shutters down on baby thoughts.

I've focused heavily on my career and it has really taken off. My husband and I travel a lot. We eat out loads, and love meeting up after work to go for a drink or see a film. We're financially secure and I'm on-track to clear my mortgage by 39, and retire at 50.

I'm not saying all these things couldn't be done with kids but, for us, it's a big positive. Our marriage is exceptionally happy, and I definitely attribute that to how much time we have to focus on ourselves, and each other.

I don't regret not having kids. It wasn't the path I would have chosen but, now that I'm here, I'm at peace and very happy.

We TTC for a very long time before doing IVF. We had a good life but for me something fundamental was missing. I'm very aware how lucky we were to have success with IVF (after another 5 years trying!) because I'm not sure how I'd have handled it.

Having said that, I had a very fulfilling creative career until I had DC and it sort of slipped away a bit - not their fault, I just lost the passion for it. So i suspect I'd have been far more career-focused and got more pleasure from that than I do now. I did really love and obsess over my job in those days. Now I just like it.

If you think you really, really want children, it's worth investigating a good IVF clinic. We've had lots of problems (including PND and one of DC being dangerously ill for several years.) But nothing in the world has ever come close to being as wonderful as having DC. The health risks of repeated IVF, the heartache of the failed attempts, the incredibly tough time of PND - all of them I'd do again in a flash, knowing that the best years ever were ahead.

My BIL and SIL came to terms with not having kids when she was in her early 40s. She gave up her job, went freelance and has a hugely successful career travelling all over the world. They got a golden retriever who is adored and spoilt rotten by everyone, and have fabulous holidays. They are a wonderful aunt and uncle, and their nieces and nephews love visiting them (though part of that is because of the dog!). They have built a rich life full of family and friends, and my serious 11yo has a special bond with my SIL and can sit for hours talking to her about history, music, politics, travel, and whatever else comes up.

This sums up my experience

www.tommys.org/stillbirth-and-neonatal-death-stories/childlessness-after-miscarriage-untold-story

As does this

www.kerryshawmummyoffour.com/2017/07/to-my-friend-who-is-trying-to-conceive.html?spref=fb&m=1

After 4 rounds of IVF, many many cancelled cycles, 2 pregnancies, 2 miscarriages and 3 surgeries, we now have to accept that we can't have children, because my uterus is too damaged to sustain a pregnancy

My entire identity is shattered because I feel utterly defective as a woman - I can't do what I'm supposed to be able to do

I feel well and truly barren. My husband and I feel excluded from society and more and more distant from our friends who all have kids. They're part of a club we can only wistfully look into from the outside.

Statistically most people get there. Not everyone does. But there is no reason to think you will be in this very small number of people who all the treatment in the world cannot fix. Good luck.

Dovecote and Gateway women are amazing resources for childless women

I feel utterly broken by my experience of involuntary childlessness, but I very much hope to one day be able to share my experience of a fulfilled life, even though it wasn't the path we would have chosen

OP, I think the comfort you can take from all these posts is that life can go in many different directions - you might get unexpectedly pregnant, you might adopt, you might not have children - but there will still be surprises, happiness and sadness in whatever direction your path takes. It's natural to grieve what hasn't been, but not to the point where you miss the joy in what is. You'll still be you. This is the intensest period, when most people you know have babies and your body's telling you that you're nearly out of time to have one, but honestly, there's a funny calm that comes after that, and then slowly in your mid/late 40s, it feels as if everyone goes back to being people rather than parents/non-parents, and you don't feel so different.

But you're way off that. I know plenty of first time mothers in their early 40s - who knows what the next few years might bring?

Be kind to yourselves, whatever happens. Modern science is a wonderful thing but I wonder if it does sometimes make us feel that that we've 'failed' on a moral or emotional level, rather than a medical one, if medical intervention doesn't work or we don't feel up to throwing everything at a solution. Turning 40 and losing my mum made me a lot more sanguine about life and death matters; both are ultimately out of our hands. I wish my DH and I had met earlier, but - hey! - we didn't. In the great scheme of things, my happiness at what we have in each other far outweighs my sadness at what we don't have.

I'm 27. Me and my other half found at when I was 22 that we couldn't have a baby naturally.

IVF was an option if we used donor eggs and sperm. It took us 18 months to decide that was not what we wanted to do and we took the adoption route.

Started the adoption process when we were both 24. We were the youngest adopters to be accepted by our local LA.

Our gorgeous daughter came home nearly 2 years ago and she is by far the most amazing thing to happen to us.

I dont regret any of our decisions.

There's plenty of life to be had and enjoyed without children. As a slightly older couple, you might also have difficulties adopting (happened to friends of mine), so I wouldn't pin all your hopes on that. I would simply keep having lots of fun sex and whether or not it happens, keep enjoying life with your husband.

Also, I know it's hard now, but if you possibly can, do keep up those friendships with people having babies. Sharing in other people's families is a huge source of joy to me.

In adoption terms they're actually quite young, most heterosexual couples come to adoption via ttc, infertility, late relationships etc so are older in natural pregnancy terms. My husband is 48 and there have been no questions asked about our respective ages. It impacted the age of children we could be matched with (i.e. not babies) but we knew we wanted older kids anyway.

OP if adoption is an option for you, your age won't be an issue.

OP the journalist Sangita Myska made a programme for Radio 4 a couple of years ago, exploring this issue. She was at the end of a long, unsuccessful journey of trying to conceive.It's called 'A Family Without A Child ?' and is available on the i-player. It may help you process your feelings.

The success stories are relevant because they do happen. Whilst I totally agree that people need to grieve and accept that they may never have children and that the platitudes are often crass, there's no benefit in making it sound like trying is totally hopeless.

I come from a very large family, I had never even contemplated that I might have a problem conceiving. I couldn't get my head round it. I tried everything, but nothing worked and after 15 years we finally had to accept that it wasn't going to happen. That was tough. It was the hardest thing we ever had to do but, gradually, over a couple of years we started to accept the benefits and plan our lives accordingly. We sorted our finances, prepared for a lock, stick and barrel move to Europe and finally we were happy again as a couple with great plans. Make no mistake, it's a very tough place to be when you are in the thick of it.

And then, inexplicably, I fell pregnant. I was almost 40, dh a decade older and we finally had the thing we had always wanted. Except it didn't feel like that. I felt like I had been robbed of my plans all over again and I had a major stress attack about not wanting the baby, being too old, I even considered aborting a baby I had wanted for 15 years - I just couldn't deal with it.

We shelved our plans to move, sorted out our lives once again and had the baby. Two years later I fell pregnant again. My boys are now strapping great teens and the pain and heartache we went through just a distant memory.

I heard all the stories of miracles, listened to well meaning advice on how to get pregnant, watched my sisters have 13 children between them, was disgusted by people I felt took their children for granted and hated them all because they had what I wanted. Even after I had accepted it.

Miracles can and do happen, iVF can and does work, people can and do survive childlessness. There are many ways to feel fulfilled and happy with or without children.

OP I wish you all the best. You will know what's right for you and which path you need to take. But there's no need to give up hope just yet, you have a long journey ahead and hope can often help keep you going.

We TTC for a couple of years then started actively trying for 3 more years with investigations and fertility drugs. Decided IVF was not for us and so stopped and embraced our life as just the two of us.

After about 18 months, we happened to see a programme about siblings that had been in care for so long as there were so little adopters wanting to take "older children" over 5 and siblings. After watching it, we both turned to each other and said "We could do that!" We applied the next week and within a year had welcomed our son and daughter. They were 5 and 3 and been in care for 2 years waiting for a family.

It's not been easy, they do have attachment issues and suffered trauma in their early life, but they are amazing and I feel very lucky most days that we made the decision to adopt and that these two were the ones.

OP I'm a little further down the line then you. Two years of trying. We know I don't ovulate, I have endometritis , my uterus was deformed and I couldn't possibly have carried a child to term (recently fixed by surgery waiting on the testing to see if they built my bionic uterus right), and husband has a below average sperm count. We will need a lot of fertility treatment to overcome everything. Our odds of having a biological child are very very low. I'm still coming to terms with how low. My husband hasn't actually accepted how low (he intellectually understands but is convinced we will be that tiny percentage that it works for).

I'm not sure what my life will be without children. I already feel my sister drifting (pregnant, conceived first try, may never get over how she announced it given she knew we were recently diagnosed as infertile at the time). It's difficult.

I've always been on the fence about kids. Never had the urge, or longing as such.
Knew I was in the last chance saloon at 41, as we'd never TTC really but it hadn't "just happened" either. Got pregnant. Lost the baby.
At first I just wanted to get pregnant again. Now I just don't know... Will I ever get pregnant again? I felt like I'd missed my only chance...
It is frustrating when a friend says "oh, you'll get pregnant, don't worry!" "these things happen for a reason!". How the fuck do they know?
So, while I'd love another chance... I've accepted that it's 50/50. Either way, I'll take what comes. I'm not considering fertility treatment, if there's a problem.

I've got 3 different stories to tell.

My aunt and uncle tried for children but my aunt suffers from something (never been said what it is but she's had miscarriages and no luck having children) and they adopted 3 wonderful kids. Wouldn't change them for the world.
Another woman I know had a son, then couldn't have anymore so adopted 4 more children. After 20 years they finally managed to have another son
And then a friend of mine who's only 2 years older than me has also found out that she can't have children. At the moment they're just enjoying it but they might one day adopt. Or maybe try surrogacy. But for now they're travelling and making the most of it.

Just thought of another woman actually. Her and her DH never had kids and they're now in their 70s I believe. Although she has never said why they don't have children, I think they were just never able to conceive. She's not let it get to her and she's quite happy around other people's children, and he is like a grandad to them (they're also Scottish and quite hilarious).

It's up to you OP. Adoption is always a good choice if that's what you want to do, as is surrogacy. But if you're ok with the decision to just accept that children may not be in the cards for you then that's ok too. Everyone is different. Either way, I honestly get peace of mind.

*Hope you get not honestly

I think the think someone said that hurt me most was when my sil complaining about the cost of raising her 3 children said 'its alright for you as you chose not to have children'.

I've known since i was very young that i couldn't mentally cope with having children due to having severe OCD since i was 5. As odd as it sounds, i'm glad i knew from such a young age (before puberty) as it meant it was less emotional, it was never a viable option. I'd never had daydreams of being a mum one day, planned my future, kids names, then had it suddenly taken away as a possibility. I've since found out as an adult that i have quite bad PCOS, and an under active thyroid which raises risks of pregnancy complications, but because i resigned myself to the fact i would be childless since i was a child myself, it hasn't had any negative emotional impact to find out i might physically be unable to conceive a child even if my mental health problems suddenly disappeared. Even if i did suddenly make huge progress in my own mental health, i could pass my mental health problem on to a child, and how much i've suffered, wishing more times than i can count that i was never born even, i just couldn't inflict that on another human, especially not my own child.
The thought of ever accidentally miraculously falling pregnant terrifies me, i know i couldn't mentally cope with the physical impact on my body of being pregnant, let alone birth, and i couldnt adequately care for the baby, but i know i couldn't keep up this clinical method of thinking thats protected me from the heartbreak of the situation all my life.
It's affected my ability to have relationships, i've never had sex, and i'm terrified of the thought of having sex incase the almost impossible happens, even with PCOS and an implant. I cope by keeping my relationships like friendships, not letting anyone in physically intimately, and quite honestly, trying not to ever think about it. That hasn't stopped me from having a name picked out for a little boy though, as irrational as it is given that he will almost certainly never exist, and i'd want him so much. I'd be terrified of having a girl though, in case she had identical manifestation of my issues as being female has made my illness worse.

banana I'm so sorry

Some people are STILL posting about their eventual success stories FFS. the op wasn't asking in her post 'if she might eventually get pg after ttc'. That is a totally separate thing. I don't think the op has been ttc for long and may well fall pg but FFS be told as plenty have posted saying it WON'T HELP HER HERE. Fucking annoying to keep reading posts by people 'who tried for years and then eventually had success'. You're on the wrong thread. Go to the ie miscarriage/ttc again section. I found threads like that are more helpful there as I know from my own experience

It will probably never happen for me. I tried for 10 years with a previous partner and two years with my current one. I don't ovulate and have never been pregnant even with intervention.

I had some bad times where I was so angry at my own body. Why couldn't it do what it was supposed to do? I would judge people on the street who were screaming at their kids or smoking while pregnant and just have a mantra of it's not fair in my head all day. I just felt there was this void in me and I would dream about having a baby each night and wake up with empty arms.

So I decided to build my life without the assumption of having children. We planned holidays and travel to really unsuitable places for children. We plan to get a dog. We eat out a lot and sleep late and honestly, it has helped. I can see a pregnancy announcement now or meet a friend's baby without crying for hours before or after.

Maybe one day we will adopt or foster, I don't know yet. But the shift for me was moving from the waiting for a child to fill that void to finding other things to fulfil me.

Oh and for whoever suggested reflexology. Yeah, tried that. Tried supplements and acupuncture and charting and even a bloody fertility spell because why the hell not. Didn't work.

I thought I was pregnant at 19 but the symptoms including loss of periods and a belly turned out to be caused by PCOS. Both my ovaries were polycystic.
I was told I would probably not conceive naturally. I didn't in that relationship.
Years later I was engaged and trying for a baby, it became an obsession. I was buying baby things, trying "fertility diets" etc even sleeping with baby booties under my pillow. When the relationship fell apart I had to try and come to terms with my potential infertility. I gave away all the baby items and pretty much gave up hope.

I then shockingly fell pregnant the first time I was with my ex. I miscarried at 10 weeks but had ds1 the next year. I have ds1&2 with ex and ds1 and bump with DH.
I am expecting my 4th baby in October.
My ovaries are terribly scarred, a surgeon came to see me after my second c section to discuss it. I don't know how they manage to work but they do.
So I was young and had at least 4 unsuccessful years of ttc with two long term partners.
I don't have any helpful advice I'm afraid, only the personal knowledge that I couldn't conceive, and medically should struggle, but one day my body just started working so there is hope.

'Some people are STILL posting about their eventual success stories FFS. the op wasn't asking in her post 'if she might eventually get pg after ttc'. That is a totally separate thing'

Well said. There are no shortage of 'miracle baby' stories and 'hang in there' stories around if you want to find them. The OP is looking for some reassurance that life will be ok if her and her DP decide to stop trying, and stop investing in the hope and the miracle and the 'one more try'.

OP, there is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding that your mind, body and relationship have been through enough. Lots of posters on here have made the same decision and, while the grief can be intense and prolonged, it absolutely is possible to come through and discover peace, happiness and contentment again.

We tried for most of my thirties and had the frustrating "unexplained" label. We had a failed round of IVF and a frozen round that also failed. There was no real distinct point that we decided to stop TTC, it was just a gradual acceptance that the likelihood was I was never going to get pregnant and that for us, having a baby was becoming less and less of a good idea the older we were getting.

I'm in my early forties now and we are not trying, in fact we are actively not trying. I think as another poster up thread said, the big 40 felt like bit of a watershed. Giving up TTC has been strange because it had so consumed us, to give IT up Is strangely liberating & I am much happier than I was throughout the TTC hell. I still have many moments of sadness, unfairness, anger and a sense of loss. It can be triggered by stupid things like a television programme or being out in the supermarket but it gets easier all the time.

It sounds weird but I found that a huge step was actively taking back control of sex. For too long it had been hijacked by TTC or medicalised or was a reminder of how broken I felt. It had become an ordeal. I decided to take it back and make an effort to make it fun again. This really seemed to mark a turning point for us a couple & helped me to mentally disengage from TTC.

We're now in a place where we can see that on a practical level life might actually be better (of course my heart will always have wanted children). We are planning all the holidays & days out we want to take when we don't have our dogs anymore (I don't mean that to sound harsh!).

You do get through it somehow. You have to do the stages of grief but it does get less painful.