to ask how you cope if you can't have children?

[ohbigdaddio]

Just that really...did you adopt? Or have you accepted it and has your life taken a new, fulfilling direction? Do you ever really get over it? Or are you still finding it difficult years later?

DH and I have been TTC for nearly a year and a half, got another negative pregnancy test result this morning, both feel very down and deflated and considering giving up. I feel really numb today and not sure what I want to do next.

Not sure we can cope with emotional highs and lows (well, mainly lows!) for much longer and it's all we think about.
Age is not on our side, I'm 38, approaching 39 so not really got time to have a break from it all. Next step would be IVF, obviously with no guarantees.

Would love to hear any positive thoughts on a child free life, especially if you really wanted children at one point.

[lanouvelleheloise]

OK, so it's a process of coming to terms with something. A process of grieving and pain. And a process that you don't have to enter yet because you are VERY far from done with the TTC.

Also, I do REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY wish that the people who had difficulty but ended up conceiving anyway would fuck the fuck off. It is NOT the same experience as coming to terms with not being able to have kids. It is not even helpful to compare the anxiety and pain you feel before a happy resolution to the anxiety and pain and then finding out it's not possible. IT IS LIKE COMPARING A STORY OF SOMEONE HAVING CANCER AND SURVIVING 100% CURED TO A STORY WHERE THE PERSON DIES. They are totally different stories, with totally different outcomes.

The answer to your question, which you don't need yet and may never need is that it is difficult, but you get through it. And yes, there is a rewarding and fulfilled life the other side.

[TammySwanson]

OP, I completely understand the need to want to see beyond the pain of infertility and know that it will be ok even if it doesn't work out. My DH and me are just about at that point after 5 years and 1 miscarriage (and multiple IVF failures). I second looking up gateway women - I'm not a member of their boards but you can join them via meetup.com and they have regular meet-ups all over the UK. It really does make a difference to talk to people (especially women, where the identity as 'mother' is so revered and it hits so hard when you aren't part of that club when all your friends and seemingly everyone you meet is a member and you are left out of it all). It's really helped me and there are so many stories of women changing their life and finding happiness. For me and DH it's the potential for both of us to change careers into something else (I'm in the middle of this and DH will follow soon hopefully).

Also, second what others have said about people butting in with unhelpful and useless stories - if someone is asking about overcoming not having children then stories of people eventually having children (or secondary infertility which is horrible I know but is completely different from what OP is asking about) are just plain cruel. How would you like it if you posted about coping with being terminally ill and then someone posted 'hey, a friend had that but guess what... they survived!!!'. Maybe think before you post?

[TammySwanson]

Heh, crosspost with poster lanouvelleheloise!

[Doodlebug5]

I have a incurable disease and we made the decision when I got diagnosed that we would have no children. It's hard when I see squidgy babies but honestly I've moved on. I love my late mornings I love working the hours I want to and not be dictated by childcare etc. I love deciding last minute we will go out for dinner at a nice restaurant.

I have that pang but it's slowly going as I get older. The adult only holidays will be nice too.

[worriedmum100]

I'm sure no-one who has shared their experience of infertility has done so with the intention of upsetting the OP and if my contribution has done so I'm very sorry OP.

It can be difficult to share how you worked through feeling like giving up without putting it in context. Also the OP mentioned not knowing what to do next so I (and I'm sure others) tried to address that part of the OP.

Anyway OP if my post was upsetting for you I'm very sorry.

[BabyHamster]

Amazed at some of the responses, particularly at the start of the thread. How incredibly insensitive to tell someone in the OP's situation that kids aren't that great anyway or that they just need to relax and then they'll get pregnant.

OP's responses to those posts are very dignified, not sure mine would have been!

[dustmotesinthesun]

Gateway women is fantastic. Please do check it out. The founder of it has written a book I believe which is supposed to help you both come to terms with having no children and help you plan a positive future for yourself.

In all honesty I can't cope with having no children. Most of the time I get on with my life and don't think about it because that's the way I function. I try to value things like lazy Sundays reading the paper and anything else people with young children struggle to do. But sometimes it hits and I fall apart for a bit.

It is a cyclical thing I think. It's never ok but a lot of the time the grief goes away if i'm caught up being busy. I do find being creative is essential. If i'm making stuff I feel more at peace and am making the most of my empty hours. Being able to talk to friends in the same position helps too. I still value my life and have a lot of good in it

[JustKeepDancing]

I'm not sure if I'll be a relevant comment, as I am not technically infertile, but I am in my 30s, single, and have several health issues which mean that being a birth parent is something which is not likely to happen for me. I realised this when a long term relationship ended just as my friends were starting to have children and I have, to be honest, found it hard. I was very lonely for a while, partly because of the grieving process of the end of a relationship and realising that the life I had planned was not necessarily the one I was going to have, and partly because my social circle rapidly changed. However, a couple of years later, admittedly thanks to some counselling and a lot of soul searching, I have largely made my peace with it. I've travelled on my own, started new hobbies and exercise regularly (celebrating and looking after my body rather than punishing myself for its failings is important to me). I've moved hundreds of miles to be closer to the nephews and nieces that I do have, so I'm trying to craft an alternative family for myself, and I enjoy being part of their lives. I am starting to think about alternative futures. To be honest, financially I will be more stable and have much better career prospects without children (living in a small flat with a small mortgage rather than a family house, for example, and being able to take on freelance work on the side as it arises) and I will be able to craft a happy life slowly and surely. Maybe I'll travel more, maybe I'll change career, maybe I'll set up an animal rescue charity... Who knows? But I am determined to be fulfilled, and be enough for myself as things have panned out.
Hope that helps.

[House4]

We have secondary infertility OP but still so upsetting. Older DS is 12. We are getting too old now to try for another, will try for a little longer but not too long. We have no long term plan if we are not lucky again. I have found using the extra money we have and spending it on something expensive that we really want makes us feel better in the short term. I think maybe career and travel when DS is older.
joystir59 Wow what an amazing couple you are. Wonderful.
Good luck OP. You still have a good couple of years yet to keep trying, just another bad day today I know x

[TravellingFleet]

I nearly died a couple of years ago and ended up not sensibly to have children, plus I'm now single. Things unexpectedly worked out (so far, aged 40) really well for me. I've been able to take on a huge challenge (upending my life totally to work on a voluntary basis in the developing world) that I don't think I could have taken on if I had children. I've always loved to travel, and now I can travel and serve the world's most vulnerable for a time, rather than living my comfortable UK life. That said, I also spent a lot of time before this point reflecting on my values and on what was genuinely important to me in my life. I made a list of my 7 core values and checked in every week as to whether I was living them. I also created a bucket list and worked through it to challenge myself. All in all, I created a very rich and fulfilling life, and I'm very happy with it.

[sodablackcurrant]

Will not be happening for me.

I love my life now, having had counselling and so on. It is what it is sometimes, and we have to accept it.

I have ten N+Ns and I know it's not like your own flesh and blood, but have learned to enjoy them as if they were my own. They love it, We love it, and can enjoy life just the same, with a bit of disappointment of course. But we are still here, still alive, no illnesses, no cancer, no anything other than fertility issues. But we have learned not to make it the be all and end all.

Just my opinion of acceptance.

[ohbigdaddio]

Thank you so much to everyone who has posted. Nobody has upset me well, possibly the person who told me they wished they were child free! and a lot of your posts have really helped and given me a lot to think about.

I'm considering either giving up TTC or having IVF (with the thought at the back of my mind that it may not work) so there is a real possibility that me and DH won't end up with the child we would so love. It is good to hear from all sides and to those who are child free and have shared your stories, you have really inspired me. I hope that doesn't sound patronising.

SloughCooker your post really touched me and joystir59 your story is lovely. WhereDoAllTheWildThingsGo thank you!

Thanks to all who suggested support groups and websites.

My DH and I need to have a long chat and see what route we want to take but it's been really lovely to get support today when I have felt so low.

[Ladyofthehouse]

We tried for years (pcos on my side, took me 2 years to get ovulating under control but low sperm mobility and motility on hubbys side), had 2 goes of ivf/icsi with a 6 month break in between.

It was an awful time..... we went all in! I did fertility yoga, we both had acupuncture, cut out alcohol, no hot tubs or hot baths for hubby, lived on kale and quinoa etc. But nothing!

Was about to start our 3rd round when I said nope! So we adopted! We had gone to adopt before trying ivf but was put off by all the doom and gloom at the intro session. This time went to another county and best decision of our lives!

We have 2 beautiful daughters! Don't get me wrong it has been very hard as they have their own unique issues and support was minimal but totally right for us.

We said from the start I wasn't fussed about being pregnant or having a newborn so I didn't feel like that was a problem.

Hope this helps.

[ohhereweareagain]

araiwa i was thinking the same thing. i spent a small fucking fortune on reflexology & acupunture from high end specialist places and didn't get pg once, possibly a couple of early mc's. whilst some people do have success using one or both of these methods, it certainly doesn't work for everyone. nor does ivf contrary to what a lot of people think.

[ohhereweareagain]

btw op a year is nothing. whilst i get the frustration, really, one year of ttc really isn't that long although i think they recommend getting some basic tests done after a year which may help you as it could be something that can benefit from help. best of luck ttc btw

[ohhereweareagain]

silentpool i was thinking the same thing too. too many (well meaning, i know) people coming along saying how they were struggling to conceive and then BAM they got pg. this really doesn't help someone who is struggling emotionally to get pg. it might very briefly but then it (from my experience) makes them feel like shit so please stop it

[luckylucky24]

We adopted.

We were very fortunate that after being told we could not conceive, we fell pregnant the very next month.
When wanting a second child our chances of conceiving had gone from few to none at all. We didn't want to stop at one so adopted DD. I love them both so much. They are my miracles!

[Oysterbabe]

There are some pretty unhelpful responses on this thread that really highlight the bullshit infertile people have to hear every day. I'm sure intentions are good but people really should think before posting sometimes.

[HipsterHunter]

Having children is quite time, energy and mentally challenging sometimes - if you don't have children you can spend that time and effort (and money) on work, hobbies, friends, animals, each other, holidays, can retire early as no children to fund etc

[weedol]

We have come to terms with it after ten years and three rounds of IVF. Adoption would never have been something we'd considered, so we've just accepted that our lives will be childfree and fulfilling in other ways. We definitely try to make the most of it - we both have busy careers that would be incompatible with children, we live in a flat in a busy part of central London (not one of the nice, safe suburban bits) and we spend all the money we would have spent on childcare and school expenses on nice things like weekends away, quality restaurants and good theatre seats. Life is good!

We're lucky that we have lots of nieces and nephews nearby whom we love to spoil, and we get to feel a little smug when my siblings are moaning about the cost of school trips and house prices in decent catchment areas. We're not ttc, but I've not used contraception for years. I have never got on with hormonal contraception and I hate condoms, so I am pretty happy about being hormone free yet having no fear at all of ever falling pregnant.

[sodablackcurrant]

Most kids hate you anyway. Verbally I mean you know the shouting stuff and all the rest!

And then they go off to live with friends, or Uni or whatever and are delighted to be away from you.

So it is 18 years of money, angst, WTF. and then they disappear.

Sorry if I sound bitter, but glad I don't have that. Came to terms.

[FreyaJade]

I would like a baby. The pain is there every time I see or hear about a baby. But with no partner & serious MH issues I've got to be realistic- I can't adopt, definitely couldn't cope with being a single mum & am nearly 41.
I spent since 2008 being ill so my 30s were wasted. In my 20s I was enjoying life, building my (now lost) career.
I am still hopeful & I don't honestly know how I will come to terms with life if I don't have a child... so OP I do really understand how you feel.

[TeenAndTween]

We tried some rounds IVF which was exhausting and unsuccessful.
We had an 18month break to ponder and regroup.
Then we started the adoption process.
About 3 years later our daughters moved in.

Neither IVF nor adopting are an easy route and you aren't guaranteed children at the end of either option, but I found it hard to imagine life without children in it, and for us it was ultimately worthwhile.

[JustHereForThePooStories]

Honestly? I just got over it. Tried for years, found out that IVF would very likely not work. Had a little chat with myself, decided to focus on the amazing things in my life. Grieved a bit but weighed up my options and was determined to not waste any more of my time, energy, and health on something I couldn't have.

I'm very happy now.

[Lottapianos]

'Gateway women is fantastic. Please do check it out'

Also a huge recommendation for GW from me. It can be so lonely when you're longing for a baby or even feeling ambivalent about the whole thing and it feels like the rest of the world is pregnant

OP, we decided not to have children and it was definitely something I had to grieve, which took me by surprise. I'm still getting there but feeling so much more content in being childfree. We live in a baby crazy society and it can be hard to imagine having a fulfilling and happy life without children but it absolutely can be done. Take things at your own pace. Again, Gateway Women is incredibly supportive and I can't recommend it enough