to ask how you cope if you can't have children?

[ohbigdaddio]

Just that really...did you adopt? Or have you accepted it and has your life taken a new, fulfilling direction? Do you ever really get over it? Or are you still finding it difficult years later?

DH and I have been TTC for nearly a year and a half, got another negative pregnancy test result this morning, both feel very down and deflated and considering giving up. I feel really numb today and not sure what I want to do next.

Not sure we can cope with emotional highs and lows (well, mainly lows!) for much longer and it's all we think about.
Age is not on our side, I'm 38, approaching 39 so not really got time to have a break from it all. Next step would be IVF, obviously with no guarantees.

Would love to hear any positive thoughts on a child free life, especially if you really wanted children at one point.

[CheeseAtFourpence]

We TTC for 8 years and nothing. We were told IVF was a no go. So we threw ourselves into life - holidays, lazy Sundays, meals out. Had a blast! But actually for us, as time ticked on, our thoughts went back to having a child. We did end up adopting - which has been exhausting/amazing/heartbreaking/life changing and more.

I would advocate giving yourself time to explore life after TTC. You're not anywhere near too old to consider adoption. There needs be time to mull things over and potentially grieve for what might have been.

You and only you will decide what path to go down. I suspect none are easy.

[ExConstance]

I posted because there have been very few posts on this thread about adoption. I wondered why. I used to work with a colleague who had had several rounds of IVF, there was a sadness about her which was apparent, we had to be very careful about mentioning anything about babies and children in the office. .she told us that her husband would not accept an adopted child as it would not be his, I found this a cruel attitude. Those of us who struggled to conceive didn't know we eventually would, so our feelings at the time were the same as if that had never happened.

[SnickersWasAHorse]

I've only scanned the thread but I thought I would add my personal experience.

We tried for 2 years before IVF. I have blocked tubes. The final round of IVF worked but I lost the baby at 13 weeks.

We are now 3 years down the line and here is the thing........I'm fine with it.
In a way infertility is rather like grief. You don't get over it, you just kind of get used to it.
We now are actually happy with the lifestyle we can have. Many of our friends are child free through choice. We go on holidays, do what we like, have more money.

We both work in education and get to spend time with young children, which 'scratches that itch' as it were.

There are times that it does get to me. I'm sad that I'll never experience childbirth, that I'll never have the lovely times.
However I am genuinely happy. It can happen. Like grief though it is hard to see it when you are in it.

[TeenAndTween]

The thing with adoption is it is not just a different way of becoming parents, it involves to a lesser or greater extent parenting differently too. It is not for everyone and is not a 'cure' for infertility, but it has worked out well for us.

[NCSpanner]

I can't actually RTFT right now, as it all feels a bit raw. We've been TTC for 10+ years, although most of that not "actively", as we've had other health issues. I'm just presently trying to come to terms with the fact that I think we're done with treatments. I had serious complications after our last IVF (quite a while in hospital and months in recovery), and my mental health has been quite bad since then. DH wants us to try "one more time", but I just don't think I have it in me. It's been too long.

We can't adopt, as we both have long term illnesses.

As to how we cope day to day... Well. We have a very good marriage. I think we get to enjoy each others' company in a very different way we would in a family with children. We have long sleeps, lounge around together, share hobbies, go for long Saturday lunches with wine. Now, I would trade this all in a heartbeat to a child, but since that's not to be, I try to enjoy what we do have. Also, therapy. Therapy's great. And friends.

I'm lucky in that my closest friends are a bit older than me and had their kids when they were young, so they're mostly grown up by now. There's no baby chat in our circle, and everyone seems focused on getting the most out their own lives.

[frogsgoladidadida]

We went through unexplained infertility for ten years. I refused to consider IVF, my husband did not want to
Adopt. So we resigned ourselves to child free life, and started planning an around the world trip.

Of course, I became pregnant. And when that baby was 5.5 months old, I became pregnant again!

My very experienced and wise Gyno told me that I was not alone, it happens to many couples and there is so much that they have to learn about infertility yet...

Sadly, not everyone in my family had the same outcome and one adoption has been finalised, and a second family member is seriously considering going ahead.

Either way, surround yourself with good
Support. Mumsnet was my lifeline!

[frogsgoladidadida]

Exconstance my husband felt the same way about adopting a child. I didn't think it was cruel, but incredibly honest. We were both hurting so much, and it was a very sad time for us, but you need to honestly realise and recognise your personal limitations in order to keep your marriage strong.

[bananafish81]

When you say you can't have children suddenly everyone is a medical expert

There's this one couple who everybody knows. Who had been trying for 14 years and had 12 IVF cycles and 9 miscarriages and she had blocked tubes and he had 1 bollock and a low sperm count and they stopped trying and went on the adoption list and went on holiday and got drunk and relaxed and OMG the result is sleeping upstairs

They're really popular as everyone's cousin's sister's neighbour's colleague's hairdresser's mate knows them. And they're really well travelled as infertile women overseas are often told about them

Well that's great for them but that's of fuck all relevance to me

Them being lucky enough to be the unicorn couple doesn't make any difference to my situation - it just rubs in the fact that others succeed against the odds where we are dismal failures

The 'have you tried' game is also a winner. Yes I've tried acupuncture. And reflexology. And mayan abdominal massage. And hypno fertility. And lucky crystals by the bed. And praying even though I am a total atheist. I have taken every fertility med under the sun. I have had multiple rounds of IVF, and multiple surgeries. I have sent my period to Greece. I have hot footed it across London with vials of my own blood in my handbag to ship overnight to the US. My husband bought a microscope to check his sperm quality. I pretended to be a man with erectile dysfunction on the Internet to get oral viagra pills because some studies said it helped womb lining. I've taken all the vitamins and green juices and eaten every fertility diet. I've read every medical paper on womb lining on PubMed. I've tried experimental treatment regimes. I've taken cancer drugs for off label fertility uses. I've had samples of my womb sent to Spain for testing. I've seen Drs on either side of the Atlantic. We considered stem cell transplantation. All have confirmed that my womb lining cannot support a pregnancy and we have explored every possible avenue and surrogacy is the only way forward for us

But still the 'have you tried?' - as though the reason we're childless is because we didn't try hard enough

We fucking tried. And we failed.

Miracle stories are lovely for those they happen to. But not everyone gets a miracle. Did we not get our miracle because we didn't deserve it?

[frogsgoladidadida]

Oh banana, hugs.

After 7 years of ttc, I was almost sectioned and spent several years under the care of some wonderful
Psychologists. I had to leave my job. I just couldn't function in society, and I used to make DH quiz anyone who dared to pop in, to see if they had any announcements before I would let them in. I could not be around anyone with children or look at all the families having fun on social media.


I don't know why eventually, I had a child, and you didn't. It's fucking horrid, it's unfair, it's heartbreaking. I will never ever forget struggling to breathe and the physical ache but forcing myself to plod on, each day. I try so bloody hard to be considerate and thoughtful to my very close family member who are
currently dealing with infertility.

I posted my story, not
to anger anyone, or to offer false reassurances, but because sometimes (and as I have understood OP's situation) there can still be a beacon of hope.

[PurpleDaisies]

I posted my story to anger anyone, or to offer false reassurances, but because sometimes (and as I have understood OP's situation) there can still be a beacon of hope.

When you're trying to move on, hope is the absolute last thing you want. You can say you're not trying to conceive any more all you want but while you're still hoping for a positive every month you're just stuck. I don't think the op has said anywhere she wanted messages of encouragement that having having a sucessful pregnancy could happen for her.

[frogsgoladidadida]

Ok, ok, ok, purple, I bow out. Clearly, this is not a thread I am welcome on and nothing I can say will be right, despite the best of intentions

[PurpleDaisies]

frogs you seem to have taken things incredibly personally. It honestly wasn't meant that way.

Can't you remember what it was like trying to come to terms with not having a baby? Would someone saying "don't give up because it can happen for you-look at my two children" have helped with that? That's all I was saying. You were incredibly lucky to have your children but some people really do have to make a different life for themselves.

[SnickersWasAHorse]

I'm still in touch with a amazing group of women I met on here who are also struggling with infertility.
They are such support.

It is possible op. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Don't let this be a thing that defines you.

[ZebraOwl]

I've been told there's a small chance I might be able to carry a baby almost to term. If I spent the entire pregnancy in hospital. But needing a c-section would be disastrous, so the attempt - which would almost certainly produce a baby who'd inherited at least one of my disabilities - would be more than a little risky. And of course I'd struggle massively to care for the baby once born...

I'd given up my hopes of having children before that conversation though - not only because I know I'd not be able to care for a baby by myself; but also because I've decided to stay single because I don't want to get into a relationship with someone who'd [feel they] have to care for me. (Which is totally My Personal Thing, I don't have a view on anyone else's relationship or think it's somehow Morally Wrong or anything. Just I personally couldn't do it. Possibly the zenith of my Being Bad At Being Looked After, yes )

In a way I suppose I'm lucky in that I've had the practice of adjusting to having to live a very different life than I'd expected/hoped? So I know it's really about finding all the good things you have in your life & focusing on them. Which might sound a bit twee, but it's much better for you than getting bogged down in the things that you've lost & you lack & you long for. It can be hard & I have times when I get angrysad but I have a bit of a rant & I feel better.

Have been a volunteer with Girlguiding since I was a teenager, too. Getting to work with children & young people and help them learn new skills, develop in confidence, and generally Become Even More Awesome is amazing. It's incredibly rewarding & I love it. Having been volunteering for so long means that I now have ADULT former-Brownies excitedly hailing me in public, still fondly reminiscing about their Adventures & telling me how they're doing now. I still get to be a formative influence & get the joy of seeing small people learn & grow & achieve things & be excited about small things & be awed by big things - but I also get to give them back to their parents

You will be ok, though it might take some time. Remember it's ok to feel however you feel about all of it; and to share those feelings or to keep them to yourself. Maybe you & your DH could start thinking about stuff you're interested in like travel or study (am thinking say a cooking course or language course or dance classes) that you could do together? It's a positive way to start building A Different Life without committing to massive changes.

Good luck with everything OP

[frogsgoladidadida]

Of course I remember. I would love to forget but doubt I ever will. It wasn't very long ago. Like I said, I was almost sectioned, I was incredibly desperate and depressed.

And yes, I do understand what you are saying, But I hate the way people who do go on to have a family are automatically dismissed, regardless of their journey.

I was just trying to be kind, that's all.

[heyjude12]

Frogs you succeeded in being kind. When I was struggling stories like yours kept me sane

[Joey7t8]

Also, I do REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY wish that the people who had difficulty but ended up conceiving anyway would fuck the fuck off

This. They can fuck off to the same place as the completely unqualified people who barely know us but tell me that my partner isn't too old to have kids.

To answer the OP's question. We don't always cope that well. We have a brilliant life and have loads of disposable income to spend on holidays etc., but we can't get away from the fact that we're getting older everyday and are destined to not leave a legacy. It can be quite depressing.

[Coughandsplutter]

We started ttc when I was 30. Tried for a year and nothing. Referred for tests and told we'd need ICSI. Meanwhile we were given clomid. Fell pregnant twice and miscarried. Had ICSI #1, fell pregnant and miscarried. ICSI#2 didn't get pg but had some frozen embryos left. DS who was a frostie is now 2.5. We then had a surprise and DD is 14 weeks. My point is not to say relax, go on holiday, try this position (yep a colleague advised doggy!), don't stress, drink alcohol, don't drink alcohol, eat nuts, don't eat nuts, buy a lucky charm off ebay and all that shit....my point is to keep going. We had started to fill all paperwork in for adoption as we were doing frozen cycle. But we were prepared to adopt. Not everyone is. The reason j kept miscarrying was due to an immune system problem, discovered after some private tests. Keep going. My mantra was "no regrets" Good luck xx

[Coughandsplutter]

And before anyone moans at me for posting about 'how it's all ok for me' etc.....I know OP has asked for what might happen if kids don't happen. Obviously we didn't end up going down that path but we both had extensive counselling to prepare for a childfree life. We planned a move to the coast and lots of travelling.

Hope my original post upsets no-one. It's a shit journey wherever you are on the road but I was ready to adopt and very,very ready to move on.

[Thankgodforthat]

I couldn't have children (unexplained) and reading this thread, I am so glad I didn't make it common knowledge that we were trying and failing, had IUI and IVF. I have never had to put up with people asking me personal questions or telling me their miracle stories. It was sad but I never felt desperate and I accepted it.

Honestly there are advantages. I have lots of childless friends; maybe we attract each other. Childless for various reasons eg divorced young, recurrent miscarriages, second wife with adult stepchildren, hereditary health issues. The happiest couple I know (in their 60s) are childless and they have a really lovely lifestyle. They have had successful careers, a lovely home, lots of travel and they are still nice to each other.

[Thankgodforthat]

And I don't agree with the advice to keep going. I felt a lot better when I gave it all up.

[Turquoisetamborine]

I conceived with clomid for my first baby, the second took 4.5 years and two rounds of ivf. My marriage almost cracked under the strain. My friend tried for a baby for 12 years and came to the conclusion she could live without kids if they moved to Australia. That didn't work so they adopted their baby boy on the same day I had my second. We are both equally happy now.

[dontslouchdarling]

And I was keen to hear from people who have faced the same situation, whatever direction their lives have now taken

The OP said this a few pages ago.

[bananafish81]

I conceived with clomid for my first baby, the second took 4.5 years and two rounds of ivf. My marriage almost cracked under the strain

With respect, if you conceived with Clomid for your first child, were you facing the very real possibility of a completely childless future? Genuine question - for most people know clomid is a very early stage intervention and there's shitloads more advanced treatment available so at the clomid stage most people I know aren't facing the very real likelihood of never having children. You are not my friends so I don't know you. I'm asking a genuine question.

I'm very sorry your marriage faced so many challenges when going through TTC for your second

But at this point you had a child. You weren't facing a childless future. You were a mum.

With respect, this thread is about how women coped with never having children.

[TravellingFleet]

One of the obvious things I see among my peers is that people without children have far more time, energy and money to put into their own interests. That means we can get really into something very niche and travel the world to do / see / hear / learn more about it. That is a hugely fulfilling luxury to have. Friends with children of course can pursue interests and hobbies to a high level, but it involves a lot of negotiation and compromise as far as I can see.

Someone mentioned above that they missed feeling that they were leaving a legacy through children. I know of a childless friend who felt the same way - when we talked about it, I said that I never felt that because of the nature of my work and volunteering. He was able to shift his responsibilities at work to take on a really terrific project that will have a major impact on animal welfare in the UK, and I hope he now feels that he is making the difference that he wanted to.