to ask how you cope if you can't have children?

[ohbigdaddio]

Just that really...did you adopt? Or have you accepted it and has your life taken a new, fulfilling direction? Do you ever really get over it? Or are you still finding it difficult years later?

DH and I have been TTC for nearly a year and a half, got another negative pregnancy test result this morning, both feel very down and deflated and considering giving up. I feel really numb today and not sure what I want to do next.

Not sure we can cope with emotional highs and lows (well, mainly lows!) for much longer and it's all we think about.
Age is not on our side, I'm 38, approaching 39 so not really got time to have a break from it all. Next step would be IVF, obviously with no guarantees.

Would love to hear any positive thoughts on a child free life, especially if you really wanted children at one point.

[PidgeonSpray]

We wanted kids. Then found we couldn't have them. And the more that time went on, the more we realised we didnt "need" them to make us happy.

And always in the back of my mind when we were thinking of having kids we thought "what if they mess things up for us". In terms of strain on relationship. No time for each other etc. Seeing other people's lives in a mess when kids come along. (Not all couples of course)

Now I can't imagine having kids at all.

We love being child free. We only need each other.

[tldr]

Hello OP, I've not posted before because I thought reaching parenthood through adoption disqualified me, but as it's not stopping anyone else...

For us, we decided from very early on that if we couldn't have bio children we'd try adopting so we always had that in reserve if you like. If it is something you'd consider at all, maybe try looking into it a bit now, so you it can help inform your decisions. (The adoption boards on here are great.)

I remember very well the crushing pain and horribleness of it all. I wish you well.

[Ineedacupofteadesperately]

ohbigdaddio - in terms of IVF I did a lot and it never worked for me (I ended up having 2 dc naturally but it took a long time - over 10 years trying - this last time I was well over 40) but I know other people who got pregnant with every IVF they did. Similarly some people find IVF hard and others sail through it. I really think the statistics hide the fact that for some IVF can be fantastic and others not so much. It does depend on your diagnosis (and some of the women on the fertility message boards are amazingly knowledgeable and can help you make sense of it all). Good luck, I really hope you figure out what will be best for you and that it works out well for you (and the book is great - it really helped me through some difficult times)

[ohbigdaddio]

Thanks Ineedacupofteadesperately I am still here and that book sounds very useful.

I am at a difficult stage of deciding whether or not to have IVF. Like Onedaysoooon says I'm not sure what lengths me and DH are willing to go to and if I am strong enough to endure IVF. So I'm exploring the real possibility that we may not have children. Whether we adopt in the future or find some other route to parenthood, I just can't say as that all feels very far away to me right now.

It is great to hear from those who have survived and come out the other side and gone on to have happy lives, whatever happened next for you.

Thank you for sharing your stories and I'm sorry to all those who have suffered or are still suffering. I'll look at all the websites/forums/books that have been suggested.

x

[Ineedacupofteadesperately]

mrsfw that's a great list. I was also going to add for the OP that finding online communities (for infertility &/or those doing ivf if you go that route) was something I found very helpful especially when you don't have anyone to talk to who understands IRL.

[TeenAndTween]

Mrsfw Absolutely no offence taken. I completely agree that adoption is not a magic answer, and it isn't a route that many people would wish to take, for various reasons. And anyway, I agree there is no 'just adopt', life isn't that simple.

[Mrsfw]

TeenAndTween- my sincere apologies if I offended with my last comment, it was unintentional. I've had a lot of 'just adopt, problem solved' type conversations in the past, which to me is completely separate from what we are going through. Or people thinking my feelings of depression over infertility would disappear by doing this. I simply wanted to comment on how I try to cope with my infertility which I hope came across, in answer to the OP.

[TeenAndTween]

Leilanii we couldn't have BC and we adopted. It wasn't second choice/best because the first option wasn't actually open to us. Many many people come to adoption via infertility.

So now I am a parent, but have never felt a baby moving inside of me, never held a newborn, never given a first (or second) birthday party, never gone for the first new shoes, or seen the first steps, or heard the first words.
I have also had to accept that my children had a family before us, that my eldest will always be somewhat conflicted between what she feels for her birth Mum, and what she feels for me, that when doctors ask for medical history we always have to say we don't know, and that my DDs are many years later still impacted by their early lives in so many ways.
Adoption is not for everyone, and it certainly isn't a 'cure' for infertility. but it did help us to become parents.

[Lottapianos]

Mrsfw, I really like your list, especially giving yourselves time to cry when you need to, acknowledging your grief, not wasting time with people who are hurtful / unhelpful and not feeling obligated to put yourselves in situations that you find upsetting. You need to make yourself your absolute priority when you're grieving and be ruthless in protecting yourself from further hurt.

[Mrsfw]

OP if you are still there, this is how I'm dealing with it:

1.My husband and I see a counsellor. We also give each other the time to talk about it and listen whenever needed.
2.Sometimes I allow myself to think about it and cry. I acknowledge this is a grief I will always bear and not give myself an even harder time by trying to 'get over it.'

1. We sent our close friends & family an email telling them of our situation and what not to say (including FO NOT ask us if we are considering adoption)
   
2. We avoid things that will upset us, not because we are over sensitive, because we need to survive (kids bday parties etc
   
3. We cut anyone out who continues to give us shit unhelpful advice or who thinks they can fix us. Just don't have the time.
   
4. I chat with a marvellous bunch of incredible women on the infertility board for support. Love you all.
   

Leilanii- As many have already said......No. this does not fix my infertility and does not relate can to it. I also think it should be a first choice rather than a second choice.

[Ineedacupofteadesperately]

zippybear . Sorry you've had such a difficult time.

[TravellingFleet]

Coming back to the discussion about whether women without children feel a pressure to be Mother Theresa / voyage the world / run triathlons / write a bestseller, or whether you can lie in the sofa in your pants watching Love Island guilt free, I'd say there's absolutely space for both. I have plenty of childfree friends who are sometimes busy doing terrific things - and then come back and crash out on the sofa with the remote and the Doritos. It's not a duty, but it is an option.

On a more practical note, I told my mum straight out that I did not want weekly phone calls to be entirely about her existing grandchildren because that made me feel like she was uninterested in my life (Doritos, sofa and all) and it did work.

[Leilaniii]

Sorry to hear all you've been through Zippybear .

[Leilaniii]

Can I ask a question, if no-one minds? If you were unable to have biological DC, did you consider adoption?

[Zippybear]

Well for balance... we have had multiple cycles at home and abroad. I had to quit my job. I had surgery. Dh had surgery. I was hospitalised due to very severe complications and required further surgery. I dread to think what we have spent and have never added it up. The end result - we have not managed to have (even one) child.
The whole process has cost us emotionally, physically, mentally, financially. I feel the personal cost must be even higher when at the end of the day you have nothing to show for it. It isn't always possible. We have a strong marriage and have been lucky to get through it unscathed, but plenty of couples end up breaking up along the way.

[Onedaysoooon]

Well Leilaniii that was the price you were prepared to pay but I wasn't. I did consider going abroad for treatment but Tbh I don't think my marriage and career would have stood it. Looking back I have no regrets.

[MargaretCavendish]

Jesus, this thread. Every time I think it's finally died someone new pops up to tell infertile women that they're overreacting, that children are rubbish anyway, or - my new favourite - that they're being ridiculous because at least they don't have cancer.

[Ineedacupofteadesperately]

oneday absolutely agree with this: Sometimes in life you don't get what you want no matter what you do and I don't agree with those posters who say don't give up, try everything. At what cost? - the book i mentioned upthread really goes into detail on this. For everyone there will be a difference in terms of what you'll try and what costs you're willing to bear, I found it was really useful to think this through clearly. Fertility treatment and the health problems I developed as a result put a huge strain on my marriage. If we had carried on with ivf (which never worked for us in over 6 years) we couldn't have bought a house. It's so easy to be drawn into endless rounds of treatment.

[Leilaniii]

Sometimes in life you don't get what you want no matter what you do and I don't agree with those posters who say don't give up, try everything. At what cost?

Well, the cost to us was our house. And we will never get back on the property ladder. It was also very stressful. I am terrified of flying but had to do 4 long-haul flights, 3 alone. I had a hematoma, requiring 4 months on bed rest and lost my job in the process. We also did gender selection for DC2 (we were doing PGD anyway) and the amount of flack I get about that is unbelievable. I have always been very open about our IVF journey, but sometimes that honesty bites you on the arse.

But I am honest about it, because I can't bear it when people comment on our "perfect family". I need them to know what we sacrificed to have them. And for people with infertility, I want them to know what is possible.

[ProzacAndWinePlease]

People do have very different ideas of what infertility means. An old friend of mine was talking to me about having secondary infertility and how she now understands my pain (10+ years of several IVFs and other treatments) - when they'd been trying for less than a year and were starting to talk about maybe seeing a doctor. They did conceive naturally. (She now regularly tells me how hard it is to be a parent and I'm really the lucky one.) It is possible I've become "oversensitive", but it seems like a very very different situation to me, yet both of have thought and talked about ourselves as "infertile".

[Onedaysoooon]

I am letting off all those posters who are sharing their ivf/miracle stories as there have been so many since the beginning of the thread that it must be impossible for some people with children to appreciate the reality of infertility, especially if they didn't conceive straight away.

I am infertile (unexplained) and accepting it has been helpful to me. Getting off the stress of medical tests/ivf treadmill made me feel way better. I don't feel terribly sad or sensitive about it although I do feel angry that ivf clinics appear to offer couples a lot of hope when the success rates in reality are very low.

Sometimes in life you don't get what you want no matter what you do and I don't agree with those posters who say don't give up, try everything. At what cost?

[EarlGreyT]

Confusedandintrigued it's an analogy used to illustrate the inappropriateness of some of these comments.

You've completely missed the point. No one is suggesting infertility and terminal cancer are the same thing. What they are suggesting is that you wouldn't wade into a thread on terminal cancer telling the poster to think positive/have you tried X,Y,Z/it's really not that bad/suggest miracle cures because it's inappropriate, so why can people not see that suggesting similar on a thread about how to cope with being involuntarily childless is also inappropriate.

[EarlGreyT]

That have been a couple of shockingly insensitive posts, but all the posts telling how they tried for many years and rounds of ivf and were then successful, well, I don't think they're being insensitive

That's because you haven't suffered with infertility. Try having 5 unsuccessful rounds of IVF, spending £40,000 and then come back and tell us whether it's insensitive.

When you've reached the end of the road with IVF because it isn't going to work, you can not live the rest of your life in limbo hoping for a "miracle" natural pregnancy or thinking maybe you should try having a 6th round of IVF (which is almost certain to fail) as it's too much of a head fuck. If you're done you have to mean it, as the rollercoaster of hope and disappointment each month is too soul destroying to live with.

IVF is statistically more likely to fail than it is to work, so it's a very reasonable approach to go into it considering what to do if it doesn't work. Why would you go into it assuming it will work-that's more than likely setting yourself up for a massive disappointment.

If the OP decides IVF isn't for her for whatever reason then she has come to the end of the road. Either way her reason for posting was to ask how to cope with being involuntarily childless. Posts about miracle pregnancies, how awful being a parent is, having had successful IVF, what the OP SHOULD do from people who've never had to consider any of these things are irrelevant to the discussion and insensitive.

I don't understand why some people who've NEVER been in this situation and never will be in it are arguing these comments aren't unhelpful and insensitive when all the people who actually ARE in the situation are saying they are.

[PurpleDaisies]

Ffs isn't it obvious I'm using the umbrella of different conditions which people call "cancer" as an analogy for the umbrella of different conditions people call "infertility"? Some have better prognoses than others but people don't understand this and give totally irrelevant advice. I'm not saying infertility is the same as pancreatic cancer.

You obviously think you know best despite never having been in the position if people on the thread who are telling you why you're writing. That takes a serious dose of arrogance.

[PurpleDaisies]

If you read the OP, she has not come to the end of the road. She is considering a first attempt of IVF.

If you read the op, this was what she asked...

Just that really...did you adopt? Or have you accepted it and has your life taken a new, fulfilling direction? Do you ever really get over it? Or are you still finding it difficult years later?
...
Would love to hear any positive thoughts on a child free life, especially if you really wanted children at one point.

Where's the "encourage me to keep on trying even though I've said I don't think I can?"