to ask how you cope if you can't have children?

[ohbigdaddio]

Just that really...did you adopt? Or have you accepted it and has your life taken a new, fulfilling direction? Do you ever really get over it? Or are you still finding it difficult years later?

DH and I have been TTC for nearly a year and a half, got another negative pregnancy test result this morning, both feel very down and deflated and considering giving up. I feel really numb today and not sure what I want to do next.

Not sure we can cope with emotional highs and lows (well, mainly lows!) for much longer and it's all we think about.
Age is not on our side, I'm 38, approaching 39 so not really got time to have a break from it all. Next step would be IVF, obviously with no guarantees.

Would love to hear any positive thoughts on a child free life, especially if you really wanted children at one point.

Bloody hell. I CANNOT believe some of the crass and mind bendingly stupid comment I am reading. I am neither infertile or child free but I have a brain in my head and am not able to understand why people are writing such insensitive and down right cruel drivel to someone facing up to possible infertility.

One of my dearest friends is infertile. 3 cycles of ivf and she and her husband said no more after that. She is such a caring and beautiful person who has endured such awful physical and emotional pain. If ANYONE said things along the lines of "relax" "just adopt" "stop trying and it will happen" I would full on round house kick them in the face.

What I will say OP is that she and her husband are slowly making peace with the fact their future isn't going to pan out how they imagined and how they can move forward together. She has been getting therapy from someone who specialises in working with people who are infertile. I think it must give her a safe place to work through the enourmous bereavement she is coming to terms with. In a way I think she felt stopping ivf was a turning point for her.

Jesus Christ, this thread. Another one here who cannot bloody believe how utterly insensitive some people can be. The tact of a fucking sledgehammer, some of these responses.
I wasn't going to post, because this isn't my 'space', but I have to chip in.
I'm not saying it's necessarily comparable, but I had 3 miscarriages. I still think people who fall pregnant (especially accidentally, what the fuck even is that), and just assume that everything will be fine, are blind and stupid and unimaginably naive. And I swear, as MN and God are my witnesses, I will never say "Have you tried..." or "At least..." or (my personal favourite) "Everything happens for a reason..." (what reason is that, then? Just to fuck with me?)
It's just shit. There is nothing redeeming about it; it doesn't make one a better/wiser/stronger person; it isn't for the best, and there sure as shit isn't a fucking reason.
It's just shit, and that shitness leaves its mark, and while you're in the depths of it you just have to do whatever it takes to save yourself. Whatever it takes to stay as some semblance of a functioning person. And anyone with an ounce of kindness and empathy will still be your mate, and will understand.
So , , , , whatever to those still in the trenches, and a listening ear, and definitely no 'miracle stories' from here.

PinaGrigio perhaps we had both already adjusted to the idea of infertility then and that made it easier in the long run?

OP and others on the thread who have experienced/are experiencing infertility, it is possible to live a very happy life without children. Just stopping fertility treatment and basing your whole life around getting pregnant is a huge relief in my experience. I enjoyed having my body back to myself and having sex that wasn't planned or purely for babymaking purposes.

We realised we'd have a lot more money & freedom now so we started indulging and spoiling ourselves more. We started our business, which is totally absorbing, we bought a car that wouldn't be suitable for a family and we sort of rediscovered one another. Lastly - and I know that the person who suggested something similar in the thread got told off but it worked for me - I got a Ragdoll kitten. I actually googled 'the most loving and affectionate cat breed' because I really wanted a cuddly cat. Just the fact I had to look after and care for her helped me. She has grown into the sweetest, gentlest cat you could wish for who follows me around all day so she can keep me in view, sleeps on my feet and cuddles on my lap as much as she can. My husband and I both adore her and while she isn't a child, she has definitely brought us a lot of comfort.

In my experience, my being childless isn't much of an issue with other people. I don't really get asked about it beyond people enquiring when they first meet me if I have any children. I usually just say that I don't and that's it. Friends and family know we tried but they just act normally around us as they know that's what we prefer.

IrritatedUser
My post was quite a while ago, but my messed-up body won't let me have children in the first place. Or are you talking about a kind of superficial aesthetic mess rather than actual physical disability? Because if it's the former I'd swap in a heartbeat. (Not least because one of my disabilities comes with the fun bonus of fragile skin = easy development of wounds, which risk become infected as my immune system is weak & they heal VERY slowly - oh & even minor wounds leave [cigarette paper] scars. And the accompanying bleeding disorder means bruises all over for no real reason. Just like I'd swap a child at 21 for having to face up to the fact that my body was ceasing to be able to function at a dramatically accelerating rate.

Seriously, is there some sort of course in crashing insensitivity that MN members are being sent on? If someone posted asking for advice on how to cope after the loss of a child would people think it appropriate to talk about how they felt when their pet died? You'd bloody hope not, however much people might love their pets. Because people should have the insight and basic English comprehension skills to read the OP & think: "Does this situation apply to me? No? Then I will refrain from commenting & if it's prompted me to think of something I'd like to discuss, I'll start my own thread."

Shit, I'm really sorry OP, I didn't mean to upset you. I posted really quickly and reading my post back it didn't come out quite as I'd planned. I meant that there are options and it might be worth pursuing them.

Too often people tell us we must accept the hand fate has dealt us, and I don't believe that at all. I think if there is any way that you can have a child - biologically or otherwise - then you should be able to do that, if there are any options open to you.

Sorry again, I honestly meant well.

And all the stories of miracle babies and 'tips' are meant well too. Doesn't make them hurt less.

Don'tMentionTheWar I think that could well be the case. I do remember when we got the news it felt more of a confirmation than a shock, if that makes sense.

What I find 'interesting' on this thread is that if anyone without children posts on a parenting thread, they get told they have no idea what it's like. Yet parent after parent has posted on a thread where the OP was, y'know, asking those of us without our own biological children how our lives are. Go figure why people struggling with fertility don't mention it. I got deleted yesterday for commenting on the idiocy of one of the more batshit posts yet people blithely post on about their auntie's budgie who had quads at 55 and don't seem to have any sense of filter.

OP there is life without children, honest. And it is a very good one. I would absolutely echo the positive effect stopping TTC has on your sex life. Sex becomes......sex, rather than baby making. And the sense of liberation and freedom from the whole shebang is great. I know this is going to sound trite, but for us it really hasn't been an ending, even though it was of the way life might have been. It was the opening of a new chapter, and life is darn good.

Missdoings not intended to patronise; from my personal experience nobody understood the pain I was in apart from women who had suffered the same as me.

I completely get that the advice and success stories are meant kindly, and as someone who's been dealing with infertility for almost 5 years I always try to take a deep breath, smile and nod politely when I'm on the receiving end.

The thing is, you will almost NEVER be the first person to give them this particular piece of advice or anecdote about someone who tried for 25 years and then fell pregnant as soon as they stopped trying/went on holiday/relaxed/adopted. They have probably heard it all a million times before and although you may think it's really relevant and helpful, the likelihood is that they've heard the same stuff from multiple other sources (sometimes in a v short space of time, which can make you feel like screaming).

Over time that grinds you down and instead of being helpful or inspiring, actually makes you feel like you're doing something wrong because you haven't had a miracle baby. If it's happening to everyone else, why hasn't it happened to me? I I have to keep going forever?

Same re 'have you discussed adoption?'. I went for dinner with some girlfriends I hadn't seen for a while (since our last disastrous ivf attempt). I have them a brief update, they were all v sympathetic and supportive. As the night went on, one by one they each sidled up to me quietly and did the 'I didn't want to ask in front of everyone else but would you consider adoption?' thing.

I literally had the same conversation five times over in the space of one evening. Obv they're my friends and they're trying to be kind, but it took a lot of wine and cocktails and deep breaths to keep my shit together.

Just trying to give my perspective to perhaps helps someone on the other side understand why their friend might not want to hear these things - hope it's useful!

@Fourforyou did you ever have the classic "it wasn't meant to be." 🙄 So bloody painful to hear.
The toxic, argumentative, nitpicky nature of this thread honestly is a perfect example of what I posted earlier - those who suffer infertility and pregnancy loss do need to be a special kind of strong to cope with how much what they are experiencing is misunderstood. People I general don't say the right thing and it hurts. If that is bloody patronising, shoot me! As horrible as most of this thread has been to read, there have been some wonderful, inspiring posts that hit the nail on the head completely.

Fill your life is my only solution -
Cats/church/career/friends/holidays ... whatever it is for you. I'm 36 and divorced - I have come to an uneasy acceptance but I can sprnd time with friends' children happily. And you definitely don't need blood relation nieces/nephews to be Aunty or uncle.
Saltwater and Honey is an excellent blog for infertility related childlessness; Jody Day's "Loving the Life Unexpected" and the support groups which I think have a similar name, are more useful if you get to a point of being ready to accept and grieve.

My aunt said to me after I lost my parents in my 20s that part of how she has coped with grief is to remind herself, rigorously, at those times where life is easier not having them. It felt desperately insensitive at the time but it has actually helped me with both that and the grief of not having a child. I'm struggling with chronic illness and I truly am glad that I'm not worrying about the short/long term effects on a child. Eg. If I am admitted or can't function as I'd like, etc. In small ways, enjoying those lie ins, and my kitten, both impossible with little ones as a single mum. Anything that gets the days to pass easier. to you

Despite some of the comments, I've found this a helpful thread to read. It's especially good to hear others have been feeling this pressure of "I need to do something extraordinary if I can't have kids". It's a relief to hear someone else to say it's okay to just try to enjoy a normal life and eat doritos. :)

I don't have a great career, and I'm not really ambitious in that direction. I sometimes volunteer, but it's nothing super meaningful - just somewhere to meet people really. I dabble in art, but I'll never be an artist. We're not high earners, and we'll never travel around the globe. Our mental health issues prevent us from a lot things we might otherwise do.

It's a liberating idea, that I actually shouldn't have to think about my "legacy". That I could just love DH and try to be a good friend to my friends, enjoy our tiny home, immerse myself in my Audible collection and geek over MMRPGs, and well, just try to live my life.

I haven't done anything extraordinary with my life without children.
Apart from swear more than I would have if I had been a parent.

I actually revel in the joy of not needing to do anything special or be responsible for another human being.
I'm not a bitter dried up husk of a woman, I'm doing ok thank you very much

'I actually revel in the joy of not needing to do anything special or be responsible for another human being.'

Same here On the days where it doesn't hurt so much (or at all), I adore being able to spend money on myself, or have a couch day, or go to bed early, and please myself in many ways

I thnk the thread shows how upset women are over infertility and I can understand that. As a teenager it was my number 1 priority, over career, over everything to have babies.

I don't think people writing about adoption when the original post asked for comment on adoption should be criticised for doing as asked.

It certainly helps everyone to learn what upsets other people and is one good thing about the internet - we can learn what not to say as well as what to say. Trouble is what one person wants to hear another doesn't so it's hard sometimes to get it right.

The one thing I have taken away from all this, is how oblivious people are to silent suffering. I try to notice it more in others and to think more before I open my mouth. I suppose it's fair to say that you shouldn't judge what you can't understand.

I read a good chunk of this thread on a rainy Monday morning and am now sitting here in tears because all I want is that bfp and I know it may never happen!

Feeling just the same here fletch, been up half the night worrying about it all and what to do for the best

I was desperate for a baby from the age of 18. I don't even fully know why. I just wanted one.

When I met my Partner at 23 I got pregnant two months later. I don't know what fuelled my desire for a baby but when my Son was born I realised I'd made a huge mistake.

There's no doubt I love my Son but he's 4 now, I'm a single mum and I can honestly say these last 4 years have been the worse of my life. Having a child is incredibly restrictive., it's exhausting, it's worrying, it's lonely and it's relentless.

It is NOTHING like I imagined it would be.

I cry all the time because the physical demands of looking after a 4 year old destroy me.

I look back and wish I'd not had him. I don't trust his Dad to look after him and I believe he's too old now to give him up for adoption (although I wish I'd made that choice when he was born). I suffered horrendous PND.

Seeing me has helped my infertile friend see just how hard parenting can be. It is NOT as wonderful as people make out and if I could go back and be childless I would.

There is so much more to life than having children. There are so many positives to being childfree.

I just wanted to write a thank you to the Op for bringing this subject up: I am a long time reader but haven't had the courage to write anything - but i just wanted to say thanks to everyone (positive or not) as it really bought to the surface everything I have been feeling and trying to get my head around on next steps - I have had a couple of late MMC's and after tests they found out I had a high immune system - I have been on the steroids which completely changed my cycle (pretty sure i'm not ovulating) and I believe have bought back endermetriosis (i think, the doc doesn't) so a year later and at 41 I now cannot get pregnant and I have been looking into IVF etc... but reading everything on here, I think i have been searching for answers to life without children and i sobbed my way through this thread because I think it made me realise that as a relative newly wed (1.5 years) myself and DH have only know this heartache, this chat is all we focus on and it just seems never ending! My DH would be happy to live our lives out just the two of us and its my drive to want something so bad that is making me so miserable... i needed to read the posts here to realise my love for him is greater than a need to put us through this day after day. we have apointments scheduled for IVF consultation and adoption but i think i've had enough - its time to live again as the person i was before all this - i liked her, i'm pretty fed up of who i have become. I know I could change my mind but at the minute I think a really cold hard look is needed to see if the IVF / Adoption routes is what is truely right for us - maybe its just time to let it all go and live a great different life to what we thought.
Anyway, thanks again all, it has really helped me as I don't have anyway to talk too about all this who understands (aside from DH).

Seriously, lonely, while I'm very sorry you're having a shit time; and I very much hope that things improve, but for the love of God, why did you think this was the appropriate place to post? I've definitely seen threads before about people who regret having had children & if there's not a current one & this has prompted you to want to discuss things, start one.

Do you think people unable to have children imagine parenting is a Unicorns & Rainbows type-situation? If anything, they've probably given more thought to the realities of parenting than anyone else because when you're telling yourself that you're FINE being childless you'll go over all the reasons you're GRAND without them.

It is frankly ridiculous to say "this is one person's experience of parenting - it should make you all feel better you can't have children". I know someone who struggled to conceive & when she finally did her two longed-for & beloved children died very young from a rare disease. Gather round, fellow barren women, and be grateful you can't produce offspring in the first place as you don't then have to watch them die as tiny children within a couple of years of each other! Yay! Oh no wait, that would be miles beyond inappropriate. Ugh.

So incredibly bloody crass to suggest people should cheer up about their infertility because because they might have found they didn't like being parents after all. Jesus wept.

Lonely, it's very brave of you to share your story, and please take comfort in knowing that you are not the only parents who feels this way. However, I agree with the other posters - not the time or the place to be telling posters on here how lucky they are to be without children.

lonely sorry you're having a tough time but seriously, why on earth did you think that was a good thing to post on a thread about infertility? I just don't get how totally insensitive some people can be.