to ask how you cope if you can't have children?

[ohbigdaddio]

Just that really...did you adopt? Or have you accepted it and has your life taken a new, fulfilling direction? Do you ever really get over it? Or are you still finding it difficult years later?

DH and I have been TTC for nearly a year and a half, got another negative pregnancy test result this morning, both feel very down and deflated and considering giving up. I feel really numb today and not sure what I want to do next.

Not sure we can cope with emotional highs and lows (well, mainly lows!) for much longer and it's all we think about.
Age is not on our side, I'm 38, approaching 39 so not really got time to have a break from it all. Next step would be IVF, obviously with no guarantees.

Would love to hear any positive thoughts on a child free life, especially if you really wanted children at one point.

Oh and as PP have said please please don't make comments like

• you're so lucky you don't have kids
• they're not all they're cracked up to be
• oh you can have mine if you want!!
• any sentence starting with the words 'at least....'

-'have you thought about...'

• 'have you tried....'
• 'I know someone who...'

As well as the miracle stories, the 'I know someone who...' etc

I know it seems like a minefield and you can't say anything without worrying about offending someone

Honestly, just listen to them, don't feel the need to comment on their situation, and ask how you can support them.

Shows what my head is like this week!!!

In which case....

We adopted rather than even trying IVF. The reason being that carrying a child was less important to me than being a mum and I felt that there are kids out there who need stability and love already. I also wasn't sure that I could cope with the process of IVF. Although I do feel sad sometimes that I never felt them kick or was able to breastfeed.

Adoption is hard, the process of doing it, supporting vulnerable kids with multiple needs, dealing with layers upon layers of bureaucracy which doesn't seem to be set up to meet the needs of anyone involved in the whole process. But, it is the best thing that we ever did. The adoption boards on here are great if you want specific information.

Thanks banana - truly this thread has been very educational and I hope for other too

And peace out Margaret I truly don't want to have this thread be argumentative .

'I think some of the posts on here indicate the insensitivity that childless women have to put up with in real life. A pushing aside of the issue, an assumption that women with children have more of a 'right' to comment on anything child related that childless women...'

Very well said. I think some parents get so used to the world revolving around their children, and their status as parent being validated at every turn by our baby-crazy society, that they lose any shred of empathy for anyone who is not in the same position. Plenty of evidence of lack of empathy on this thread. And yet, adding to the childless bingo card, you get told that you're selfish for not having children!

I guess as with everything else in life, some people already get it, some people are capable of listening and reflective, and some will never get it. Ever.

I was just setting out the options I would try and I have a family member who has children by donor by IVF so yes I know large amounts about these issues so I do think I have something to add to the discussion. Yes I know often people will not know which of the two people are having the issue although sometimes tests can establish that - eg low sperm count.

Thank you, stopfucking - that was kind of you, and I'm glad you feel like you've genuinely learnt. The one thing I would add is to remember that you don't always know who is struggling with fertility. Obviously it's not possible to be on guard all the time. For instance, three days after my second miscarriage my boss jokingly said to me: 'let me give you some advice, never have children' after one of his had rung him with an annoying request. That didn't feel nice, but no one can blame him for it - he had no idea, and it was an innocuous comment. On the other hand, questions like 'when are you two going to get on and have kids then?', 'are you going to have children? Don't leave it too long!' or even, 'so, do you want kids?' are horrible and I can't see any reason why they'd ever be necessary or advisable; I do actively resent the thoughtlessness of those asking. As I said in my first post, I'm not at the end of my own journey yet - I almost certainly am going to carry on, though like the OP I'm at the point of wondering (in my case after multiple miscarriages) how much more I can take/put myself through, so I don't pretend to know or understand how much worse it is to hear those questions for years on end.

lucy but telling the op how you would make sure you could conceive if you had been unable to is very different to how do you cope with infertility. I think you were looking for the "hypothetically speaking, what would I have done about if I didn't get pg" thread.

Also, many thanks for the list but none of those avenues are guaranteed to work. None of them are news to anyone living with infertility. And you honestly have no idea what you'd have done in this situation because you weren't faced with it.

This isn't a hypothetical discussion about what you might have done in these circumstances. It's a discussion about how to cope with not having a birth child.

You can insist you know all about it because your friends mums spaniel once had ivf but offering the infertile a list of treatment options you'd have done if you'd needed to is crass and spectacularly insensitive.

I'm just glad you didn't say that you'd have relaxed and had reflexology and held your legs in the air for ten minutes

@Lucysky2017 the OP didn't ask for options for fertility treatment though. She asked how people who couldn't have children had learned to cope with involuntary childlessness

How does setting out the things you think you would have done (but never had to consider yourself) add to the discussion?

The discussion is about coping with a childless life. Whether that's because you've decided that the different paths for assisted conception aren't right for you, or because you've tried them and they haven't worked.

It's about the step AFTER dealing with infertility

It doesn't matter how much you know about infertility treatment. That's not the subject of this discussion

(Oh and re: sperm tests. And as you'll know from your extensive knowledge of infertility treatment, low sperm count is only relevant for natural conception, ICSI overrides that and removes that as an issue. So has absolutely no relevance to issues around donor conception.

As you will know, advanced sperm tests like the DNA fragmentation comet test, sperm aneuploidy test, ROS and anti sperm antibodies tests can all tell you more information. But these still can't tell you about the genetic integrity of the sperm that fertilises the egg. As you presumably know from the large amounts you know about infertility treatment. Which in any case has absolutely zero relevance to this thread!!)

Haha, I am just  at the fertile-splaining.

@Lucysky2017 Do you honestly think that women who've got to the point of realising they probably won't have kids don't know the many, many options and which are possible for them?!

And again - adoption is not the same as parenting. Not just because it's a "difficult process"!

klip I was just thinking this is like mansplaining . It never ceases to amaze me how horrible these sort of posts can become. Being unable to have a family of your own can be one of the worst possible things to happen to a couple, you'd think people would be more sympathetic. Especially those people who have gone and won the infertility lottery and actually managed to have kids of their own.

@Lucysky2017 you just don't get it do you? The OP asked how you cope with being involuntarily childless. She didn't ask what options for fertility treatment might be available to her. She doesn't want to hear about these options from people who've actually had to consider/use them and she certainly doesn't want to hear about them from someone who if they were hypotheticallly infertile, which hypothetical options they'd have hypothetically considered and what they'd hypothetically have done if they were in this hypothetical situation.

To come back and defend yourself rather than apologise for your post is almost as incredibly insensitive as the post in the first place.

If it's something you want that much, then make it happen somehow. Adoption or donor eggs. There are options. If you don't want to settle for a child-free life, then don't.

leilanni donor eggs are of no help if you can't sustain a pregnancy. Not everyone gets accepted for adoption. Even if either of these options is actually open to you they would involve a lot of soul searching and heartbreak. It is not that easy!

leilanii does that also apply to lottery wins? I'd love that too...

If it's something you want that much, then make it happen somehow. Adoption or donor eggs. There are options. If you don't want to settle for a child-free life, then don't.

I do find this insensitive Leilanii There are all sorts of reasons why someone (including myself) may not be able to pursue these avenues...financial, emotional, mental health issues etc

My OP is seeking support from people who haven't had a biological child (but really wanted one) and hearing what they have gone on to do and how they feel about their situation now.

Thanks for all the supportive comments.

Jesus wept.

And people wonder why women dealing with infertility are bitter sometimes 😑

I think I'm done with this thread too. I've rarely seen such insensitive, hard-of-thinking comments and that's really saying something.

OP, you have been extremely gracious and thoughtful in your responses, so much more than I would have been. I hope that life becomes more content for you very soon, however it works out. You will get much more thoughtful and sensitive responses on Gateway Women, should you decide to join

leilanii your comment is so breathtakingly insensitive I barely know where to start. Oh great, now we are being put on a guilt trip for daring to be infertile.

If it's something you want that much, then make it happen somehow.

I think that might just take the biscuit as being one of the most spectacularly insensitive things I've ever read.

The OP asked HOW TO COPE WITH BEING CHILDLESS (yes, I know I'm shouting), not to be put on a guilt trip or given the suggestion that if she wants it enough she'll make it happen from someone who clearly doesn't have a clue what they're talking about. I'm sure the OP already feels guilty about being infertile without your help.

OP, you raised the question of adoption in the first line of your post, so I don't see why you are objecting to people mentioning that, there have been man positive comments on adoption on the thread, surely the route to adoption becomes a relevant one?

This is the problem with Aibu people read the first post and mindlessly reply

Not everyone bothers to read the whole thread (like me ! Who had to apologise a rethink pretty deeply )

For what it's worth I have read some really amazing and touching replies to OP

I hope OP gets value from them as they were great and useful

There you go - sorted. Just make it happen OP. Why didn't you think of that earlier?!

ExConstance

It's one thing to extol the virtues of adoption if you've been through it after not being able to hear your own biological child. That's the sort of reply the OP asked for, and there have been a few of those types of reply on this thread which I've found v interesting.

It's NOT ok to say 'well if i wasn't able to have my own children I would DEFINITELY adopt' - that's what posters are taking issue with. I've had friends with children say to me in a v patronising manner 'ooh you don't have to give birth to be a mother, there are lots of children out there who need a home'.

That is undoubtedly true, but it's not their place to waffle on about it to me when they're sitting there cradling their squishy newborn that they conceived and carried with no issues at all.

Likewise, adopting to give your existing biological child a sibling is not the same as adopting when you haven't been able to have any biological children.

I don't know why this is so difficult to understand...

@Leilaniii

Hahahahaha

I can't sustain a pregnancy. My problem is my uterus. My eggs are great

Do you want to lend me your womb for 9 months? Or £150,000 for US surrogacy (because in the UK the surrogate can change their mind and keep the baby)?

For many reasons we very likely wouldn't get approved for adoption

If it's so easy to make it happen, why are there so many involuntarily childless women on this thread

Some people really are astonishingly thick

leilanii it is that kind of thoughtless and ignorant crap that really boils my piss.

Believe me, the majority of infertile women do not have children because they haven't tried hard enough or explored every possible bloody avenue open to them. How dare you imply that if we really, really want it we could have a baby. Trust me, at my peak of TTC if someone had told me that I might increase my chances of getting pregnant by one percent if I crawled over broken glass I would have done it.

I get so fed up that yet another thread for & about infertile women has been derailed by ignorance. It was so nice to be able to identify and relate to other women (for once).

AngelicaSchuyler In the real world we all share experiences and contrast others with our own to help us form or reconsider our views.
There have been a number of interesting and varied views on here and an number of people who just keep on refusing to accept that the views of others are relevant in any way - the thread police.

I joined this thread to mention my experience of adoption because the OP asked for views on adoption, and one poster hadn't even noticed that request, so I pointed it out to her. Funny that, it was the first thing the OP raised. OK not everyone can adopt but the exclusions are fairly limited, smoking, serious health issues obesity and criminal convictions against children. I'd say the main matter to consider would be the fact that you might find it difficult to get a baby, and would be looking at older children, including groups of siblings. I'm entitled to my views, as you are yours, I'd never dream of saying you were lacking in powers of understanding or to quote the post after yours "thick" I have more manners and don't find abuse the best way to put forward an argument.